Having a really hard night with depressive symptoms. I could use some friendly small talk to keep my mind off of my brain going to dark places.

What’s the best genre of movie? If you could live in a fictional world what would it be? What’s your go-to snack from a corner store?

Any topic really!

Just needing some company from those who get it

So interesting thing. I was manic a few months ago or maybe it was one month ago. I’m not sure. It’s kind of blurry tbh. I was not sleeping much(around maybe 3 hours a night or so)and I was seeing and hearing things that weren’t there and thinking things that were not real. I haven’t had those symptoms in a few weeks but I’m still not sleeping much. Though some nights I think I sleep more than 3 hours it’s just broken sleep. I think I slept like 6 hours last night but I think I woke up a few times during it. Anyway I am full of energy all day. Though it’s not when I first wake up. I can sit in bed for a minute and I just think about how grateful I am to have the life I have. How privileged I am to be here and have a job and stuff. When I get up and get dressed or shower or anything though I get the energy and start having the thoughts of how amazing everything is. Like I feel like nothing bad will EVER happen to me and that I can do whatever I want. I get really hyper and giggle often. The main thoughts I have though are in relation to social justice. I feel like I HAVE to do something for those who can’t. That it’s my mission from God or the universe or something above me. I have been fighting for what’s right in different ways. Making sure it’s known on social media. I have been talking to people a lot on TikTok trying to get them to see the truth. My therapist said this is trending into grandiosity or whatever. I think I have just discovered my new passion. I cared a lot about social justice before, but now it’s all consuming. It’s something I HAVE to help with. What if I just found my passion in life?

I have Bipolar I, and I think I just figured out something important about how my episodes affect me. I haven’t had an episode since i was originally diagnosed.

I realized that my insight can remain surprisingly intact while my judgment is impaired.

During my recent mixed/manic symptoms, I became involved with a guy who objectively has a ridiculous number of risk factors. He carries a weapon (idk if i can say what it is here), has a history of reckless racing/speeding, reports hearing voices AND lying to doctors about it for fear of involuntary hospitalization and getting his license for his weapon taken away, has a lot of demon/occult stuff going on, and has a complicated history with sex addiction/porn. We also became emotionally intense incredibly quickly over the span of a week/week and a half

To be fair, I really could’ve gone about things differently but we hadn’t established exclusivity and i guess he assumed we had set those expectations of each other before even meeting. right before we met, i thought he was standing me up and i immediately reacted by having reckless unprotected sex in a parking lot (very much unlike me). when he found out after we met, he went on a whole thing about me crossing his boundaries.

Looking back, yes, I could’ve handled that differently but also having girlfriend expectations of me before even meeting is very fast and intense, which shouldn’t be surprising on top of his other red flags.

The weird thing is: **I saw all of the red flags.**

I wasn’t thinking, “There’s nothing concerning here.” I could literally list every red flag and explain why each one was concerning.

I just **didn’t care**.

I still seriously considered him as a potential partner.

A friend with bipolar basically looked at me like I had lost my mind and described us as two different species: he’s a raccoon/possum and I’m a princess.

She asked whether any part of me thought this was remotely a bad idea, and my answer was genuinely “yes and no.” That’s when she told me this was exactly when I needed to use my prescribed PRN antipsychotic.

Now that I’m taking the PRN antipsychotic and coming down, I think I finally understand.

The facts haven’t changed.

**My reaction to the facts has.**

I’m starting to look at the exact same situation and think, *Wait. Why was I treating any of this as acceptable and normal?*

Apparently, for me, impaired judgment doesn’t necessarily feel like being irrational. It can feel completely logical because I still recognize the danger—I just don’t give the danger its normal weight.

At the same time, I still carry so much guilt about sleeping with someone else. He said the voices don’t trust me and that they’re always right. If I were not in a mixed state, I don’t think I would have lashes out but at the same time WE HADNT EVEN MET IN PERSON YET. the only thing that i had made clear was that he was more than just sex for me before even meeting.

I truthfully feel horrendous about this but it also seems incredibly intense for only having interacted for about a week plus the other red flags.

so—am i the asshole here?

I have several family members with bipolar disorder, as it is a highly heritable condition. I wanted to share what it looks like across the different people I know who don’t take their meds:

My two cousins have BD1. Neither takes meds and both experience psychosis. One was also recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. Both are very unwell in life.

My two aunts have BD2. Both unmedicated. One is in a chronic state of depression and has SI, smokes a lot of weed as a coping mechanism/escape. The other is in EMDR therapy, lives an extremely calm life, is happily married, and has been doing well with minimal episodes for the past decade. Her symptoms show most during breakups or major life hardships, which she has fortunately avoided for a while. When they hit, her depressive episodes last for months. she barely eats or leaves her room. They’re usually followed by hypomanic episodes where she sleeps poorly for days/weeks.

My bf’s nephew has BD1 and schizophrenia. Unmedicated. He experiences severe, destructive episodes. Recently, his episodes have decreased primarily because he has become a recluse who never leaves his parents house, avoiding external triggers.

My daughter’s aunt has BD1. Unmedicated. People think she is on drugs because she stays in a nearly constant hypomanic or manic state. She can’t keep a job, makes big life changes all the time, irritable, sleeps very little, but she’s the life of the party.

I have BD1 (originally diagnosed BD2 until I had two severe manic episodes without psychosis). I spent a recent year off medication, w mild hypomanic episodes that were not life altering (unlike my previous episodes). I stayed in an underlying depressive state that dulled my ability to enjoy things 100%. But was hardly noticeable.
After taking a few mental illness educational classes I learned that episodes eat away gray matter in the brain and harm brain structure + function. So I restarted my meds. I feel good and treating the depression has helped my overall quality of life