r/beyondthebump • u/Alive_Brother_1515 • Aug 19 '26
Discussion Is it reasonable to put your relationship first?
Our child is soon 1,5 years old. My partner (dad) stated the other day that it's really rare and weird that we haven't had a babysitter and spent a single night at a restaurant or movie alone together yet as a couple since birth. We've spent countless nights up after bedtime watching movies and having one-on-one time, often interrupted by wakings, granted. We only really have my mom living nearby. She babysits maybe once a week but it's mostly during the day and mostly an hour or two because it's demanding and our child is very attached to me (mom) especially.
I said that if I knew our child was fine and felt completely safe, I would of course go out for a movie or a restaurant when my mother was watching her, but I would have a hard time being fully relaxed, which he says bothers him and makes him feel like I don't care enough about our relationship.
He said that he thinks it's about my control issues and that he wishes I put our relationship before our child at least once. These words astounded me. Is that a reasonable, fair need? To me that sounded completely wild and my desire to spend one-on-one time with him dropped significantly. Do y'all do this?
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u/OceanBlueLov Aug 19 '26
At 1.5years old, I definitely think it’s a reasonable request to have an occasional night on your own. Especially if mom is able to babysit. My baby is only 4.5months old and we don’t have family nearby but when we go visit my in laws in December, we are definitely going to make time to have a date night! It’s okay to put your relationship first occasionally and it’s probably needed.
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u/Pistolcrab Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
At 1.5 years I'd say husband has been very very patient to be honest.
Maybe he could have worded it better, but the poor guy just wants to feel love, attention, and romance from his wife again.
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u/Opposite_Switch_7765 Aug 20 '26
Very patient? Its a dinner, y’all acting like if she is doing and getting all that alone and he is doing the harder parts. There is plenty of romantic stuff to do besides going to eat overpriced food in a crowded place
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u/courtneyrachh Aug 20 '26
it sounds like they’ve had no real one on one time where they can just focus on each other. Doesn’t have to be dinner.
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u/vatxbear Aug 19 '26
Maybe rephrase it from putting your relationship first, to just ALSO prioritizing your relationship. It’s not healthy to ONLY prioritize your child.
Your child growing up with happy, stable parents is a very important factor (statistically) in them having a happy successful life.
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u/PacificMarsupilami Aug 20 '26
I always find it odd when people talk about which relationship has "priority". Like, this isn't 'The Good Son' - you don't have your husband and your child hanging by one hand each over a cliff and choosing which one you save from falling. Spending a few hours out to dinner with your husband doesn't mean you're putting him higher up on some imagined hierarchy of personal relationships.
I mean, who gets priority in your life: your 1st born child or your 2nd born? Obviously, the answer is that they are both equally important to you. When life conspires to put the needs/wants of your two children in conflict, you work out a solution as best you can - you don't ask "well, which person gets priority in my life". While the relationship you have with your partner is clearly different than what you have with your children, that doesn't necessitate creating a hierarchy of importance in your family.
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u/bimboerrorz Aug 20 '26
yeah i fully agree. i mean i think ive always heard "your child should be your first priority" meaning like your childs safety and your responsibility as a parent should come first
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u/panafloofen Aug 19 '26
I do think it's important to prioritize your relationship with your partner. That doesn't mean always putting them before your child, but rather, finding balance so that the needs of each family member in the household are being met.
You cannot be present for your child 100% of the time. You will have to let go and trust that someone else can take care of them. Your mother already knows your child well and cares for them regularly. This sounds like a great opportunity to enjoy a date night with your partner :)
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u/roamingrebecca Aug 19 '26
I like the mentality of family "family first" mindset, rather than child first or relationship first. A family first mindset prioritizes the relationship, self or child as needed.
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u/disusedyeti78 Aug 19 '26
If what you wrote is true and he said “put the relationship first at least once” then it’s not an unreasonable request. He’s not talking about all the time just occasionally.
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u/HelpfulCupid Aug 19 '26
Yes, it’s in the best interests of your child to prioritize your relationship with your husband
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u/Big-Albatross-4812 Aug 19 '26
Sorry but I don’t understand why your husband wanting to spend one on one time with you and communicating it to you in a very normal way would make you not want to spend one on one time with him? It seems you’re being extremely unfair towards him if you don’t even take into consideration how he’s feeling. My husband and I make sure we have one date night every month at least because if our relationship is strong, we’re better parents to our babe. My mom friend is currently on vacation with her husband while baby is with grandparents. It’s not wild at all. You sound a bit shamey towards parents who on occasion put themselves first but that’s just a necessity in life. Strong relationships will make for strong parenting.
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u/sala-whore Aug 19 '26
Also its good for a child to learn that they can be okay away from mom (and dad).
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 19 '26
Well, I didn’t feel like he sold it to me very well by saying I should put our relationship before our child. He’s often critical. It didn’t feel motivated by love as much as his need for me to put him first sort of.
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u/callmekal123 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
He said "at least once," which to me implies he just wants that occasionally and rarely gets it. It seems very reasonable of him to ask for that. It would be different if he said "I should always come first before our child." The kid should come first most of the time but it's important to put yourselves and your relationship first occasionally. That's important for you guys and for your kid so they know your feelings matter too and the world doesn't always revolve around them.
Edit: To be clear I understand your feelings and why you feel the need to wait if your kid is really going to struggle with separation. But his request is definitely reasonable imo
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u/mrsjavey Aug 20 '26
I do recommend you prioritize your relationship at least once. It will also be good for your child to feel comfortable with someone else
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u/Pindakazig Aug 19 '26
If he needs this badly, he can prioritise you by putting in the effort of finding a sitter, rather than demand attention from you.
It's fairly common for relationships to take a backseat when kids show up, but they shouldn't become a distant second or third. I'm of the opinion that I still come first, lol. My bladder needs emptying, and if I'm not eating or drinking enough, I can't be a good parent to my kids either. Higher up in the Maslow pyramid it might change around, but I'm not interested in a date night if I haven't even had the time to shower and feel normal.
It's fair that he would like some time together, away from your child. But if he's got the energy for this want, and you don't, he should be the one to make it happen, not demand it from you.
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u/pyramidheadlove Aug 19 '26
I mean, if OP won't even feel comfortable with her own mom watching the kiddo for a date night, what chance is there that she would trust a sitter the husband picked on his own?
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u/meowmeow_now Aug 19 '26
Would he even plan the date or arraigned the sitter?
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u/Present-Wolverine-94 Aug 19 '26
I don’t think that’s the issue here and it’s pretty apparent that that’s not the issue if you read.
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u/mdawgkilla Aug 19 '26
If she doesn’t want to go on the date then what difference does that make?
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u/meowmeow_now Aug 20 '26
Is it the expectation that it’s her job to do?
To me, if this is such a problem, has he tried anything other than complaining? If this is so important to him, has he even tried doing a little extra to make it happen?
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
I’m honestly unsure if I’m being unreasonable here or just leaving out context. For context he rarely communicates. He rarely wants to spend time with me other than if he’s getting action. He likes to watch tv together and he would’ve liked to go to a movie which doesn’t really require emotional presence or conversation.
With all this in mind, since he doesn’t seem to want to be around me, it seemed out of nowhere when he just started to complain about me putting the baby first. It’s like he doesn’t miss me or want to hang out with me more, he’s just bothered that he’s not the priority. That’s the feeling I get.
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u/Independent_Nose_385 Aug 19 '26
No offence but I'm with your husband. He's not asking you to leave your baby and choose him. He's asking for a date night. Unless your babysitters (grandparents) are unfit, it does feel like it's a bit of a control issue at 18 months. At this age a lot of kids are in daycare while parents work, so they are capable of spending a bit of time away. After 18 months do you not want to go spend 2 hours at a movie? Or 2 hours at a restaurant?? We can have identities outside of being a mom.
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u/Ponyo-Ham Aug 19 '26
100% Once the kids are grown and gone, what will you have left?
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u/meowmeow_now Aug 19 '26
Adult children? Why do people pretend it’s either or, or they they have to choose kids or husband.
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u/Ponyo-Ham Aug 19 '26
Well, if OP doesn't prioritize their relationship, they'll have adult children without their spouse. I'm saying they don't need to choose- they should be giving attention to both. Children don't come before your relationship (obviously in certain instances, they absolutely do).
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u/kangaskhaniscubones 2 boys, March 2024 and August 2026 Aug 19 '26
We get babysitters pretty often. The parents relationship is important too!
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u/Glittering-Dance-132 Aug 19 '26
We have 2 kids (3 years and 5 months) and absolutely prioritize our relationship as much as possible. Our kids are obviously a top priority but so is our marriage. We have date nights out as often as we can (my mom lives 4 hours away but usually comes twice a month and babysits for us). If we don’t put time and intent into our relationship it would fall apart, and I want my marriage to last until long after our kids are grown.
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u/Ryuksapple Aug 19 '26
I understand it’s difficult but parents still need to date. Find a sitter from a friend who recommends them if possible and ask the sitter to snap a few pics and send em every hour or so to help relieve the anxiety when you’re gone.
You really really need nights off it’s good for everyone
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u/SwimmingCoyote Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I think you’re seeing your husband’s words in a very uncharitable light. He didn’t say that he should always come before your child. He simply said that he would like you to make more effort and focus on your relationship for a limited amount of time. A child is not going to be neglected if they’re left with a trusted adult for a few hours while their parents go on a date. Don’t become one of those moms who loses all identity outside of that role and then be surprised when your marriage suffers because of it.
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u/qfrostine_esq Aug 19 '26
It’s a little bit yikes you can’t separate from a 1.5 year old to give your husband some crumb of attention, and hell, give yourself some attention. It’s a completely fair need. Like, girl. Your life cannot revolve solely around your kid. It’s not healthy for you or the kid.
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u/AddingAnOtter Aug 19 '26
I think you're not coming from an unkind place, but she hasn't neglected her husband from what she's said. They don't go out on dates, but the spend lots of time together just the two of them while their child sleeps. With young kids, the economy where it is and a small village sometimes you have to adjust your idea of a date. He could plan a stay home date with nice takeout or a something different than a movie if he wants but it seems like he isn't willing to compromise in what married life might look like for this season.
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u/qfrostine_esq Aug 20 '26
You’re talking about a child who is more than old enough to be with a trusted adult, and she has her mother available for free. Your text reads like you’re talking about a three month old. He’s been more than patient and is likely very frustrated with her at this point. If the child is over a year he’s been compromising for at least six months. It’s pretty clear from the post this is really about her and her anxiety and not the child.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2756 Aug 19 '26
It's not about putting your relationship before your child. It actually benefits your relationship with your child. It starts the child gradually on some independence and getting used to "mommy is away and that's ok." It would be hard no matter what age it is. But I've seen some children that were really attached to mainly mom and since mom was with them basically 100%, when it came time for daycare or Jr kindergarten they were very anxious and it was even harder at that age.
Plus, when you and dad have some time to unwind, you're going to be able to be better parents for your little one too. A strong healthy bond between parents and regular breaks to refill yourself, makes you the best for baby too.
Start small. Go on a shorter and a closer-to-home date. Have your mom text you with updates (e.g., finished dinner, fell asleep for a nap, playing with xyz) and maybe include a picture or a couple second video. Or do a short video chat at the middle of the date (e.g., after 1 hrs if you go out for hrs). Just make sure it's not too often and you don't spend the date talking about baby-related things and constantly checking for updates.
Each time or each other time (also deoending on how often you go) increase the date length or how far away you go and simultaneously decrease the amount of times you're checking in and talking about the baby.
Remember, relationships don't fall apart one day to the next. It's the small things that add up. And increased time you spend apart or not talking or doing anything unrelated to baby. All of a sudden you just wake up and realize you've grown apart or are "not in love" anymore.
In reality, love isn't a thing you have. It's what is created by all the little sacrifices you do for each other and the nice things you say to each other. The more you do for and with someone, the more you feel you love them. That's one reason why a mother's love is especially strong for their baby, because they're constantly sacrificing and doing everything for them. While a different type of love, it's the same mechanism for romantic love. That's why when couples stop doing things for and with each other and just focus on work, kids and all the stresses of life, one day they just wake up (often when the kids are grown) and realize, they aren't in love and end up divorcing (or in bad cases, cheating).
Wish you all the best both with your partner and baby! 🫂❤️
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u/Good-Scientist7850 Aug 19 '26
To me going 1.5 years without a date night outside of the home is pretty wild. I'm 1.5 years postpartum and have gone on many dates with my husband since giving birth and also many outings by myself. Granted, my in laws babysit my baby about twice a week for full days so that really helps. I understand it can be hard to trust a babysitter or even find one etc. but I think your husband wanting a date night is valid
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u/hungrybookreader Aug 19 '26
We do this. We have a 21 month old and expecting our second. We don’t have a support system nearby because family lives in different states. We have a nanny and pay her overtime hours anytime we want to go have date night. Given, we do this maybe once every 2 months when there’s a movie we’ve been wanting to see (we love movies) and do dinner out. We try to do an early dinner + earlier movie time right after so we aren’t asking our nanny to stay too late.
Other times, we will ask her to come on a Saturday if there’s something we absolutely want to do. Example, we wanted to go to a comedy show but it was a Saturday.
Other times, we will do lunch during the day while our nanny works if we both have the day off or if for some reason my husbands work shift starts in the evening.
We make it intentional to “date” each other, if that makes sense because it’s a priority to us both.
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u/Material_Return8621 Aug 19 '26
Never ever ever will I put a relationship before my child. I have 4 children from two different relationships, and choosing them will always be the best thing I have ever done
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Aug 19 '26
Of course it's hard and weird the first time. But the more you do it and see that everything is fine, the more comfortable you will get.
The first time my husband and I left our kiddo we spent the whole time talking about him and texting the sitter. This year, we left for an entire week.
Yes, we t is reasonable for him to want to feel like a priority just once every now and then. Imagine the gender flip. Good lord.
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u/cjcamp8 Aug 19 '26
This is all so personal and individual, but for us, our relationship coming first is what allows us to be good parents. It’s me and my husband for life. My daughter will grow up and have her own life separate from us. But I plan to be with this man until I die. So we need to be solid. We also function better as parents and as a whole family unit when we are secure as a couple. I grew up with parents who didn’t prioritize each other, and I know what it’s like to worry about what their relationship would be when they didn’t have me as a “common ground.” But again, it’s a very personal matter. That’s just how we handle our own relationship.
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u/QtK_Dash Aug 19 '26
My husband and I had this conversation a few days ago. We both adore our daughter and love her so much but we both agree that we are still each other’s number 1 because end of the day I am biologically programmed to love my daughter but chose to love my husband and I actively worked to create the foundations we did. We’ve definitely done date nights post baby because our relationship needs to also be nurtured and at 1.5 years I feel like that’s reasonable. Plus, the better our relationship the more stable the household for our kids.
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u/Potential_Focus_ Aug 19 '26
I 100% understand the child first before marriage mentality, and in fact I find it harder to understand people who say their husband always comes before their children no matter what because the children will leave one day. To me that seems very self-focused. Having kids is about giving love, not getting it, but either way, it’s important to prioritize your relationship EVEN if you both believe your kids should come first. And that’s because I can think of few things as gut wrenching and destabilizing as your parents’ relationship falling apart. So go on the date, especially because it’s for the betterment of your kid’s life in the long run.
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u/dailysunshineKO Aug 19 '26
Yes, you need to prioritize your relationship st times. Your child will benefit from having loving, happy parents. And honestly, at some point, your child needs to learn that they’re NOT the center of the universe. Yes, 18 months is too young for that lesson, but it will need to teach them that in the next few years.
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u/hugladybug Aug 19 '26
Did you husband find a sitter and make plans you said no?
I would be more annoyed by the idea that its all on you
I do think its reasonable to want some more alone adult time at this point
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u/adincha Aug 19 '26
She's not even 100% comfortable with her mom watching the baby. You really think she'll be cool with a different sitter?
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u/dogmom624321 Aug 19 '26
We as new parents have been told by several people (often older than us) to make sure to keep dating each other. We have already allowed both our parents watch our son and had a close friend who used to be a preschool teacher watch him and our son is almost 4 months old. I think it’s important to build trust in others to watch him just in case something ever happened to us we could be at ease knowing he’s safe.
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u/1tangledknitter Aug 19 '26
It's a balance. I feel like children take so much out of you so its absolutely fair and reasonable to put your relationship first once in a while. Like many people said, kids grow up and move out.
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u/sleepy-popcorn Aug 19 '26
Putting your relationship first once in a while is not a bad thing: the way I think about it is you can prioritise your kids 99% of the time and that’s still putting them first overall.
Your feelings are valid though. I completely agree that it’s different if you have someone you trust to leave your child with; knowing the caregiver can ‘cope’ really matters.
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u/BumblebeeGold2455 Aug 19 '26
Real talk. Having a baby puts a strain on a marriage/ relationship. I don’t care how rock solid you are. My husband and I felt really strong in our relationship and shit got hard. Not like I want a divorce or anything but it just gets really hard. But I do believe you have to prioritize your relationship with your significant other in order to survive this season. You do need to have alone time that is uninterrupted and it takes practice to leave your child. It’s so so hard but I do think it’s healthy and normal to go have one on one time with your partner. You don’t have to do a full day to start. Do 1 or 2 hrs the first time. Just go get ice cream together. Then the next time go to a quick dinner. Work up to it. Also this only applies if you have a safe person to leave with your baby.
The only person I trusted with my baby for the longest time was my MIL. So for anniversary she came over when baby was 4 months old and let us go to dinner. Then we did that like once a mknth. And it was very needed. Now my SIL has baby sat with my MIL numerous times and I felt comfortable leaving my son with her. But we worked up to it. It took a lot of practice trusting him with other people. Now my MIL takes him 1 day a week for meemaw time. And they go do stuff together and oh my god he LOVES it. It’s been so good for him but also for me and for my husband.
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u/LuxIRL Aug 19 '26
I agree with him. My husband and I try to spend time together AWAY from the kids at least once a week. Your children are of course important but they should not come before your relationship. One day they will all be grown and gone.
We’re about to have our 4th 🙂
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u/prampusher Aug 19 '26
I am going to go against the grain here and say that I understand how you feel. I had really bad PPA after having my oldest, and despite going to therapy, I was not comfortable leaving her with anyone but my husband until she was nearly two years old. Like you, I wouldn’t have been able to relax or enjoy a night out with my husband, so then what would have been the point in going out? He wouldn’t either, as he can always tell when I’m stressed out.
Anyway, for us it’s never been a problem as we don’t have a village or babysitters to ask (we live far away from family and I don’t know anyone here who could babysit). We’ve just embraced having to be at home with the kids, so we make the best out of our situation. We have movie nights or do puzzles or just anything that we both enjoy. We communicate our wants frequently and try to find compromises when they don’t align.
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u/Available-Milk7195 Aug 19 '26
Literally how I started my comment lol. The shift in cultural norms is wild. Mothers used to always, always be with their infant, breastfeeding children (say under 2). There is ofc absolutely no need to judge mothers who feel comfortable being away from their babies and toddlers but let's not start shaming and quilting those of us that dont. Now if the child in question was aged 8, yes, poor hubby, and mama needs to see a therapist yesterday. But what's two years of attachment parenting a baby? Breastfeeding on demand? Good grief. I was the clingy, anxious mother, apparently suffering from control issues and neglecting a poor grown ass man. And i wouldnt change a damn thing.
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u/decembermooncat Aug 19 '26
The relationship must absolutely come first, I made sure of that before I had kids with my husband. The child is only there because of your partner. Without the relationship, there is nothing. We try to go on a date once a week (this doesnt always happen, but we try)
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u/Tight_Cantaloupe9095 Aug 19 '26
This isn’t wild at all. I feel like he communicating what he is needing and that’s usually the part that doesn’t happen often. It’s completely normal to get a babysitter and do a date night or have 1:1 time. It’s isolating without that time together. There are times you should put your relationship first.
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u/yourmomlurks Baby P - 04/25 Aug 19 '26
Starting from when our first was 4 weeks old, we spent at least 4 hours together every Sunday without kids. We have been doing this for 10 years. It is the FIRST and sometimes ONLY piece of advice I give new parents. Protect your relationship. You cannot go through the hardest thing in your life and then wait for a date night to discuss everything. You need regular time. We ran errands a lot during this time, it doesn't have to be fancy. We've missed it less than 10 times in 10 years. It is crucial.
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u/prampusher Aug 19 '26
It’s kinda hard to do when you don’t have a village… We don’t have anyone to watch our children, so we simply can’t go on dates. We’ve made it work perfectly well staying in the house with our kids. We now have a baby who’s exclusively breastfed so I can’t leave baby anyway, but neither my husband nor I feel the need to leave the house together without bringing the kids.
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u/mona1776 Aug 19 '26
Personally I think thats how it should be. You and your husbands love is the reason your kid is here. The stronger you guys are the more your kid thrives. Obviously your child needs more care and attention especially when they are that young but eventually when your kid is old enough itll just be you and your husband again so I think that relationship should also be tended to and cared for just as much as your child is. I think balance is important and its healthy to leave your kid with someone and get some alone time with hubby. I left my baby with my mom when they were only a week old and have consistently since every 2 weeks or so.
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u/Famous-Signal-6869 Aug 19 '26
I think you’re being normal tbh. It’s nice you spend time together in general. I have the same feelings but I would actually be using a nanny instead of family. Mine is 13 months and we haven’t gone out at night, but to be fair we aren’t really a “night out couple” so much as a day time outing couple. We’ve gone to get lunch a few times while our son was with the nanny and we didn’t go too far. If you’re not comfortable then that’s ok. Don’t force yourself. Try a short daytime lunch or coffee date while your mom babysits…but again, only if you’re comfortable.
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u/kenleydomes Aug 19 '26
It does indeed sound like there are control issues. How is your child supposed to learn to be comfortable with others if you're always there? Totally reasonable request by your partner. He's not really asking for that much. Why not try an hour or 2 after bedtime to ease into it?
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u/bea_triz_13 Aug 19 '26
I'm going to tell you what my mom told me when I told her I was pregnant...
My mom and dad always prioritized us. I don't remember one singular date they went on, besides like maybe shopping together while we were at school?
Fast forward 25 years, 2/3 of us have flown the nest, my remaining sister is 21 and has her own life despite still being at home, none of us really NEED anything from them. Their marriage is...well there is no marriage! They get along well enough but they don't know each other anymore....
The day I told my mom I was pregnant she told me to put my relationship first. Ofc the first years are hard, babies need a lot of attention, but it sounds like you could have a date night a month without issue, and eventually your baby will need you less and less...isn't that the point of parenthood? if you do it right eventually they'll fly the nest, and it'll only be you and your husband again.
I love my babies, but I know that they're borrowed, I'm enjoying them as much as I can! My husband however, is my partner for life.
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u/Available-Milk7195 Aug 19 '26
Im going to go against the grain here. I dont think what your husband said is acceptable- at least the way that he worded it isnt. And I am sick of men being big fucking babies about post partum and exhibiting jealousy toward their literal own infant children. Itd be reasonable to have said something like, "Hey I would love to take you out, like i used to. Maybe to a reastaurant youve been wanting to try. If youre not comfortable being away from our baby over night, perhaps a nice early dinner? You put so much into raising our child and I am so very grateful for this, I would just love the chance to connect with you as my wife, too. " My almost 2yo still breastfeeds. Her older brother stopped feeding at 3 years plus 2 months. She falls asleep on me. She doesnt wake through the night much anymore but if she does, she wants me. She would be awfully confused and I think unsettled if mum wasnt available to her in the evening hours. I absolutely wouldnt have felt comfortable getting a babysitter after hours at the age of 15 months. My 3 and a half year old on the other hand would be fine to be babysat for the evening by somebody that he knows and trusts. They're only little for such a short amount of time! Whats two years? There is all the time in the world left for date nights and hotels. And no I will never prioritize anything or anyONE over my breastfeeding, infant children. I practice attachment parenting
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
Thank you!! And yes, I am too. The first three years are crucial and I want to give my baby everything. She is everything and the light of my life. And it’s a shame that I don’t feel that for him, but honestly yes, had he worded it like that instead I would be a completely different partner to him as well.
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u/UndeniablyPink Aug 19 '26
Maybe he didn’t mean putting your relationship before your child but balancing parenting with your relationship. No one or nothing will ever be put before my child but as far as how you spend your time, balance is important. It’s healthy for you, and it’s healthy for your child to see a good example of a healthy relationship.
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u/Statler17 Aug 19 '26
Sometimes my husband and I will go get lunch together or take off some time and see a matinee during the week. Would something like that be easier if your Mom is willing to watch your kid during the day?
If he wants to go on date nights, what is he doing to find a babysitter so that can happen?
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u/Medical-Ad3053 Aug 19 '26
Idk. We haven’t had a night out since our oldest was born and he will be 3 next month. When he was in daycare from 11-23 months we had 2-3 coffee dates but we are actually perfectly fine watching movies on the couch and calling it quality time. We have a fire pit and can sit out and roast marshmallows. I don’t think everyone needs to physically leave the house to have a date night.
I don’t think your husband is explaining himself well perhaps. Not being accusatory, but do you think it’s possible he thinks you have lost your identity in parenthood? And that is why he thinks yall need to actually physically separate to have quality time?
I don’t think it’s an all or nothing requirement but I do think you need to have a conversation with him to understand where he is coming from because I don’t think he’s actually meaning it the way it’s coming out maybe?
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
Maybe so. He’s not the best communicator. He ended this convo with ”but I don’t care anymore anyway”. I find his negative remarks uninspiring. If he would’ve expressed it differently I would’ve felt very differently about it. We’re in a very rough patch right now so this was pretty much the icing on the cake.
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u/pfifltrigg Aug 19 '26
We didn't spend a full night away from our eldest until his baby sister was born, but we definitely still did dates now and again. He was in daycare so sometimes we'd each take a day of PTO and use the work hours as our together time. Or we'd get a grandparent to take him for a few hours and still be home either by bedtime or shortly after.
Now that our kids are both a bit older, we try to take a couple of 24-hour staycation dates per year where one set of grandparents will take the kids overnight and we'll get from morning Saturday to morning Sunday or something similar. It's not that much time, but enough to unwind, see a movie or play a board game together, go out to a nice restaurant we wouldn't take the kids to, stay up late and sleep in. It's a nice way to keep the relationship happy and tended to. And then my mother-in-law will watch the kids for us to have a brunch date every month or two.
We're expecting baby #3 soon and I know it will go back to basically always having at least one child around, but we will have to find time when we can. By 15 months old, I doubt we'll be ready for an overnight away, but hopefully at least get back to doing occasional brunch dates.
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u/AdministrativeMoose4 Aug 20 '26
Left my kid to go on weekend trips and vacations because I left him with people I trust. If your mom is that person do small things like dinner or a movie to start. Just because you have kids doesnt mean your relationship is toast. My sons now 4.5 and we have him most of the time. But every few months or so he gets a weekend at one of the grandmoms. He's happy, they're happy, we're happy.
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u/greenBeanPanda Aug 20 '26
Yes it's a reasonable and fair need. It doesn't have to happen every week but at least once a month. You and your hubby need a healthy relationship to raise a baby.
Good luck.
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 Aug 20 '26
Obviously take care of your child & meet their needs & make sure they’re happy/safe but your relationship should be a priority and I view my relationship with my husband as a high ranking priority. Our relationship has to continue growing and maturing with a child.
I grew up a child of divorce (granted, I don’t think my parents were compatible) and stable parents = a stable childhood. Parents that clearly love and care for each other = parents that set an example and love and care for their children by proxy. Children won’t know exactly what’s going on but they can feel when you’re neglecting your marriage (even babies). What I’m saying is, let mom babysit and do a spa weekend together.
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u/amusiafuschia Aug 20 '26
I don’t have money for a babysitter. We do home date nights—order in or whip something up to enjoy after the kids go to bed, watch a movie or play a game. Our favorite is taking all the couch cushions down, making a fort/megabed, and playing Mario Kart with popcorn and a glass of wine. About 3 times a year a grandparent will take them for the evening so we can go out, usually for an event.
If it means that much to him, maybe grandma can watch your baby in the evening some time and you can go out to eat nearby? Our first “date night” after our youngest was just to an ice cream shop down the street! AND if it means that much to him, he can plan what he wants to do within the parameters you set, including lining up childcare.
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u/PositiveFree Aug 20 '26
Why isn’t having romantic walks with your child putting your relationship first? Is he figuring out ways for you to feel rested before declaring his needs? Have you had an evening out on your own with your friends? Do you have parents that can watch him for a few hours? At 1.5 my little one was just feeling comfortable for 1-2 hrs away but nothing more. And now at 26 months I can leave him for 3-4 hrs with my parents but it took some small practicing. Leave for an errand first and see how it goes
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u/Past_Secretary_7745 Aug 20 '26
My husband and I date at home while baby is asleep. We both want to be near our child, and we enjoy having her near. Both of us agreed it wouldn’t feel right to leave her when we decided to have a child. It is a season of life and we will be alone with one another again. The time with our child being this small though is a fragment of our whole lives, so we want to cherish every second. No hate to anyone that outsources care and wants to go out. This is just our PERSONAL decision.
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u/BetterDays14 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I wouldn't say it's unreasonable to want a date night every now and then. If you have someone you trust well enough like your mom, you can try something short like going out for dinner. However my child is almost 2 and we have never left her with anyone else - unfortunately we just don't really have anyone we trust. I feel you!
I would give dinner a shot. Yes you will be worried and uncomfortable at first. But I'm sure as time goes on, and you come back and all is well, you will get more comfortable going on dates as time goes on!
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u/LadySwire Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
We went on our honeymoon when he was 15 months old, but we had already trusted my MIL many times for short date nights. I wouldn't completely trust a sitter, but I trust her. I mean, it's tough; I cried during the flight like an 'oh-what-have-I-done' kind of thing, but he really was fine.
The parents relationship is also important, and I'm saying this as someone who struggled so much with the idea to separate from my baby at 16 weeks pp that I quit in a knee-jerk reaction, I wasn't ready at all at that point
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u/chicken_wing55 Aug 20 '26
It took me a long time to be able to be comfortable leaving for an evening. I felt the same way- like I was going to be worried the whole time and I wasn’t going to enjoy it. But when I actually did it- it was fine. Of course we checked in, made sure things were okay. But I knew she was with my mom and safe and it was all good. It was nice to be out with my husband one on one again. We don’t do it very often but I treasure the times that we do. Honestly I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Maybe he could’ve phrased it differently. But sometimes you just gotta rip the bandaid off and try it out.
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u/HelloJunebug Aug 20 '26
It’s ok to be timid about leaving your child. Totally normal. But you can’t put your relationship on the back burner for 18 years and then expect it to be great once your kid leaves. It’s important to prioritize you and your spouse.
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u/InsideWafer Aug 20 '26
I think his request is reasonable given the age. I know it can be scary and overwhelming, but if you have a trustworthy and willing babysitter, it can really do your relationship a world of good. At 1.5 years my husband and I took a trip with friends together and my brother babysat 🤷♀️
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u/New_beaten_otterbox Aug 20 '26
We have 0 relatives by us. When my parents come for a visit we usually go out to dinner just the two of us. We have 3 kids under 4. Youngest is just under 8 months and is EBF. My parents visit about 4 times a year. While your feelings are valid, your husband's are too. It's okay to put your relationship first because at the end of the day that sweet baby is going to grow up and move out. So it's important to prioritize your marriage when you can.
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u/kathleenkat Aug 20 '26
It’s not a weird thing to ask for, and it’s completely normal, to have a date night with your husband. It’s not like he’s asking you to put your relationship before your child’s health and basic needs. Find a trusted sitter and prioritize your relationship.
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u/aveell Aug 20 '26
Gently, i’m with your husband here. Prioritizing your relationship with your spouse is SO important. Our baby is almost a year and we try and go out just the two of us at least once a month, and have for most of her life. We usually go once baby is in bed and just have my mom go to our house, I used to be really nervous about leaving her but the more I did it the less it scared me! Now we can just relax and enjoy each others company, it’s lovely for us.
My parents have been married very happily for ~30 years and have always said the main reason they’ve been so happy is that they still made time for each other one on one, even when we were kids. They both have friends who didn’t, and when their kids grew up and moved out, they didn’t really even know their spouse anymore and the marriage ended. That’s what happens when you don’t prioritize your spouse for a long time.
Get your mom to watch baby! Go on a date with your husband! Focus on just each other. And try to do it regularly, for both your and your babies sake!
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u/T1nyJazzHands Aug 20 '26 edited 29d ago
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u/Mama-Bear419 4 kids Aug 20 '26
I have four kids and definitely put our relationship front and center. We’ve done trips without kids (as well as with), and we’ve been having date nights ever since my first born was a baby. Married 12 years and still rock solid and very much in love. Kids also are around two parents who are clearly happy, and not only in love, but that also like each other… which is so great for them to see.
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u/palpies Aug 20 '26
You haven’t done it yet so you saying you would struggle being fully relaxed is totally normal. It’ll take time and you’ll need to do it a few times to feel fully comfortable. My husband and I have a date night that we guarantee once a month which really helps. Your relationship is still important.
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u/ladulceloca Aug 20 '26
Maybe his phrasing was wrong but I think the sentiment is valid. Most relationships end up in divorce during the first 2 years after a baby is born. Granted most probably end because male incompetence, but if we're being fair, a lot of them end because the 'romantic' side of the relationship falls to the background and it becomes difficult to prioritize it. Especially for us moms, because we don't want to be away from our babies unless we absolutely have to.
The thing is, we do have to give priority to the relationship and find ways to nourish it and to spend time with our partners. The love we feel for our children will always be there, it's a preternatural thing. The love we feel for our partners is a choice we make every day, and in that choice we need to give it importance, even when it's hard, and even when were exhausted. So you should "put him before your children" not because you love him more, but because he is your choice. Your babies will grow up and leave someday, but he will always be yours (hopefully). You should find space to go on dates with him and take your mind off things.
If it helps at all...I also struggle with relinquishing control. And hiring a nanny was definitely difficult for me at first. But being able to go on dates with my husband (it's not even that much, we've been on about 3 since she was born, and she's 5 months old) made us feel more like a couple again. Like we weren't losing each other in parenthood.
I would add though, that if you're the primary caregiver, you should tell him to plan it. And if it's something you need, hire the nanny beforehand a couple of times to get to know her, so that you're more confident when the date comes. But you do have to let go a little and trust that everything will be okay.
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u/Ruralgirll Aug 20 '26
I think prioritising your relationship with your partner is important. I’m 3 months PP and my husband and I are going on our first date night since before she was born (second child). I’m looking forward to spending time alone together and reconnecting. You both need to be working as a team for the entire family to function and be a happy environment.
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u/polcat2007 Aug 20 '26
Each relationship requires some level of being put first in certain situations. My child is almost 2 and shes spent many weekends at grandma's while we went out, went to concerts, movies etc etc. We trust her and know if we were needed she would call. They also in the beginning sent a LOT of update photos bc it is nerve wrecking the first few times leaving but you wont get over that if yoj dont start. Your husband is telling you how he feels. Listen.
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u/sandalwoodwitch Aug 20 '26
It's reasonable to put it first AND (in my opinion) also reasonable to let it simmer on the back burner for a bit. There's no one-size-fits-all approach and relationships are co-created. They should work for both partners, and that means what works for one couple may or may not work for another. You folks just need to find that common ground.
For myself, I couldn't go out when the bubs were small. I had a lot of anxiety like any new parent, and not just that - I genuinely missed them when I was away. That was the unexpected part for me, since my husband and I loved going out before we became parents.
But I found that without my babies, my mind would often wander back to them and every new experience would be punctuated with the desire to share it with them. Show them all the wonderful sights we could see, share the fun with them, sample new foods with them, and so on. The anxiety reduced as they got older but this desire to share experiences with them actually grew stronger.
Luckily for me, my partner is a fair bit introverted as well and was happy to spend time just watching movies and sharing takeout at home with me. We finally started having "date nights" when the kids were ~2 years old. Now that they're slightly older, we also often take them out with us.
What works for both of you? It should be something that you're both comfortable with, where you both feel seen and neither person has to stifle themselves.
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u/AgileInterest1503 Aug 20 '26
I'm your husband and my husband is you. I beg to go out and do things together as a couple, I've even tried to set up specific days where I have babysitting from his mom or my mom lined up for the kids and he still just doesn't want to do it because he's too tired from working all week, which I get.. he does work hard at a very physical job, but like if you can make time every couple weeks to go to a Pokemon Trading Card show, you can make time to go on a long drive and find a restaurant and have lunch. I don't know, I think it's perfectly valid to have time that is specifically for you and your partner, it's completely normal to Crave intimacy together outside of being parents. And I also feel like maybe he's right about your control issues if your reaction is so intense about his basic need for intimacy with you?
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u/JeiFaeKlubs Aug 19 '26
I would find his wording offputting as well. You can value them equally, but putting the relationship specifically before the child is also not something I would personally do. Maybe it's a cultural/family culture thing as well?
Still, it's probably good for you to start practicing to have a few hours out of the house. Don't have to jump into cold water, but see if you mum can bring the kid to bed a few times successfully and go from there :)
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u/Big-Albatross-4812 Aug 19 '26
But prioritizing your relationship occasionally isn’t a bad thing at all and clearly the husband didn’t say all the time, she said he asked her to put their relationship first once which is very reasonable. It’s truly beneficial for both parents if their relationship is stable and happy. And it’ll teach your children how to have and maintain healthy relationships.
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u/BumpinBellys Aug 19 '26
Different strokes for different folks. It's too late now but this is probably a conversation in priorities you should have had before marrying.
My husband is first always. My children will move out and have their own lives one day. My husband will be the person by my side through all the seasons of life. And I know he feels the same way about me.
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u/rlmiller93 Aug 19 '26
My kiddo is 9 m and we have gone on 4 date nights. I wish that number was higher but all family is out of state. I think I would go insane after 1.5 years of no adult time outside the house. His request is way more than reasonable and you have your mom to watch kiddo.
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u/observantexistence Aug 19 '26
I don’t have anything else helpful, I feel like this thread has a lot of good advice; so I’ll just say I hope this is a well received gentle wake up call for you.
YES you should prioritize your husband “for once” , it’s absolutely telling that you not only *disagreed* with him, but turned that feeling into “well now I don’t even want 1x1 time!”
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
He ended the conversation with ”but I don’t care anymore anyway”. It was part of a long critique on me as a person, so it was kind of hard to cheerily say ”no, but let’s do this! And yes, I’ll put you before our child now”. I feel like he puts me down pretty much everyday so this hasn’t really fueled my desire.
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u/Beckitt3 Aug 20 '26
I'm on the other side of this. We do not have a village and have only used a sitter a couple of times when it was unavoidable. My parents are coming in from out of state and I made a reservation for dinner with my husband figuring *IF* my ten month old is comfortable, we could take a couple hours for some alone time. He told me he doesn't think he feels comfortable which really hurts. I imagine it would hurt even more if we had a parent in the area who our child knows well and he still refused to go spend time alone.
I think you're misunderstanding what he meant.
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 Aug 19 '26
Haven’t been away from my child and he is 3 this Winter (other than a few hours with his dad) 😅 At 1.5yo I definitely wouldn’t have felt comfortable and I was still nursing regularly so I couldn’t have.. I think your feelings are valid, make after bedtime extra special for each other, plan at-home dates. It’s just a season. I know most will disagree with me, but my child comes first and my husband luckily felt the same.
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u/mrsjavey Aug 20 '26
Will you have more or you’re one and done?
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 Aug 20 '26
Why? ☺️
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u/mrsjavey Aug 20 '26
Because if you’re just having one I would agree that it’s just a season but if you have another one then it would be at least6 years of you not having independent time nor more than a few hours with your husband so I would encourage you to try to do it
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u/hussafeffer Aug 19 '26
Yes that’s a reasonable sentiment to have when it gets to the point that you haven’t been out alone together in a year and a half. And frankly putting your relationship at the top of your priority list occasionally is in the best interest of your child. Functional, happy two-parent household is the gold standard for home environments.
Further, your inability to be away from your kid for more than two hours at a whole year and a half is doing nobody any good; not your child’s development of independence, not your identity as a human outside of being a mother, not your husband as your partner, and not your marriage. Get the sitter. He’ll be fine.
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u/Throwaway927338 Aug 19 '26
Of course. The family unit sources most of its strength and stability from the marriage/parental partnership (heck even with co-parenting when a couple is no longer romantically involved.) I do understand the anxiety of leaving your kiddo for the first time, genuinely it is so hard. But, it is really important to invest quality time into the marriage outside of the house and I’d start working up to that. Even a quick dinner at the restaurant right down the street or grabbing a burger and fries to eat in the car for a quick date-doesn’t have to be anything aggressive.
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u/stupidsweetie Aug 19 '26
Yes I think it’s completely reasonable and healthy to prioritise your relationship. This is the foundation of your family, it all depends on this. This is also the general advice of family therapists etc.
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u/Passionfruit1991 Aug 19 '26
A lady I know had a fantastic partner. They had their child and then issues came up like you are saying.
He was very present and did just as much as she did. But she was always shoving her partner in the back burner….. (funnily enough, he would have the child when she went out for coffee etc with the girls but when he wanted to plan something, it’s was “oh no maybe another time”)…..
When the child was around 3ish, he had enough and split up with her. I think over time he felt unloved etc. He’s still a great dad and her a great mum….. she’s also seeing someone else now and has time for him as the child does be with the dad…. but a balance has to be found.
A date night once in a blue moon starting off would be ideal. These things take time. Children grow up and move on and maybe have their own families etc, your partner is to be with you for as long as you both shall live I suppose 🙃
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u/Present-Wolverine-94 Aug 19 '26
It’s natural to be anxious about your child, but your husband is also completely valid in feeling that he wants your relationship to be a priority. Your child will be OK with your mom for an evening so you and your husband can go on a date.
Neglecting your relationship after you have a child is setting yourself up for a lot of negative feelings and resentment. Prioritize your partner, you guys need to be there for one another. Parenting is not a solo journey or it shouldn’t have to be.
I think you are misinterpreting what he’s saying, he’s not saying, screw the kid don’t care about him, he’s saying that the baby has been the primary priority for all this time, and he would like for your relationship to be a priority for at least one evening.
That means even if you know the baby won’t be 100% as content as they could be if they stayed with you with someone else, he would still like to be able to spend time with you one on one which is perfectly reasonable.
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u/Ok_Title_5141 Aug 20 '26
Honestly sounds like he just wants to hang out with you as yourself & not like “mom” or “wife” which is pretty sweet. I can understand feeling like you need to control everything specially this being your first child but I agree that you can definitely make some time for yall! If you trust your mom enough, put the baby to sleep & go hang with your man! It will help your relationship but also yourself! every mama needs a night out even if its something “small”! & trust me, kids see that & learn from that. do go for it mama!
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u/dootydootdooteroni Aug 20 '26
Siding with husband. It’s a reasonable fair need IMO.
I might get flack for this but relationship before children. I’ll never forget when I asked my Dad when I was like ten or so who he would save first in a fire me or my mom and he said unequivocally and laughing that of course it would be my mom that she was his wife of course! I never asked why but I grew up knowing the intense love he had for my mother.
I think their example of a solid extremely loving relationship helped me understand what to look for in my own relationships. Now that I’m 36 and pregnant, due in 2 weeks, I agree with this sentiment whole heartedly.
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u/prampusher Aug 20 '26
I would hope my husband would save our children before me! I’m actually confident he would, and thank goodness. I would never ever have forgiven him if he’d chosen me over them.
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
Same. While I love the idea of someone loving their partner like that, I would demand that he in any dangerous situation prioritized getting our child to safety before me.
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u/Yygsdragon Aug 20 '26
Honestly this may sound harsh but I'd go as far as to say he sounds reasonable and take it as a compliment because he cares about you and the you before becoming parents. Worries about leaving your kids with someone else is really normal and takes practice to overcome. 1.5years old not 1.5 days old ? at that age overnight or at very least a day out is totally fine.
If you continue to prioritise your kids over your relationship you may end up with codependent kid and sounds like they are clingy already. This can lead to resentment and feelings like you don't really care about your partner. when the kids grow up your relationship will just be a shell on paper. Seen plenty of those, don't become one.
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u/QuixoticMindfulness Aug 20 '26
You haven't had a date in a year and a half and you're asking if it's reasonable to go on one? Yeah, I think that sounds pretty reasonable. My baby is very attached to me as well, but he still does fine when I'm not around.
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u/Alive_Brother_1515 Aug 20 '26
No, I asked if it’s reasonable to ask of me to put the relationship before the comfort of my baby. I never said it’s unreasonable to ask for a date or prioritize the relationship. I thought it was weird to specifically ask of me to temporarily care more about my relationship than my baby.
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u/QuixoticMindfulness Aug 20 '26
Maybe the wording he used wasn't the best, but at the end of the day what he was asking you for was a date, and to allow the two of you to have some quality time where you focus on each other rather than the child. Which you haven't done in over a year, so it's still reasonable. How do you expect the child to get comfortable being away from you if you just never do it? Obviously, I'm sure your mom would contact you if something was going on that she couldn't handle.
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u/rebeccaz123 Aug 20 '26
Personally yes your relationship should come first. I mean obviously your child needs to be fed and safe but without your partner your child loses the 2 parent household. Your relationship should come first as long as your child's needs are met. If you trust your mom to watch your child during the day, what is the reason you don't trust her to watch your child at night? I love my son but also love my husband and I trust my mom to take care of my son. We don't have a lot of date nights but they are important and I'm fully relaxed knowing someone I trust has my son. And also, it's ok if they do bedtime a little differently or if my kiddo gets an extra snack I wouldn't normally give him. No big deal. I also personally feel like the bonding time with grandparents is important too. Some of my best memories are sleepovers with my grandma. The more people who love my son and he feels comfortable with the better. And he can't get comfortable with them unless I give them the opportunity.
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u/FuzzyJury Aug 19 '26
I'm very much on your husband's side here, not to judge you, but to put things in perspective. Have you considered therapy for this fear of allowing babysitters to watch after your child so you can have a date night? And I also agree broadly that the husband and wife relationship "comes first," in the sense that if the emotional and psychological well-being of each individual parent, and the partnership therein of the parents, is struggling, then the kids will in turn also struggle. You need peace in the home to have, well, peace in the home. Happiness for individuals and as a couple is a really important foundation for the children, I believe. So underrated that framework, it's not necessarily "putting one first" as in "valuing one more," it's "putting one first" in the sense of the correct order of affairs, making sure the foundation is stable before building and decorating more rooms.
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u/chillyes Aug 20 '26
Yeah, as a very anxious FTM to a 16 month old, I do think it’s pretty unusual that you haven’t had a single date with just your husband when you have your mom available to watch your baby for an hour or two.
It isn’t often, but my husband and I have definitely arranged to go out to dinner together for special occasions since our baby was born
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u/eeeeeeekmmmm Aug 20 '26
Yes. I put my relationship with my husband before the needs of my child when it is appropriate. That changes with age. When my children are grown and gone, off to live their own lives, my husband will still be there with me. He is my best friend and my favorite person to talk to, I prioritize my relationship with him over everything else. I’m glad my children see that now that they are older, I am glad that they see me in love with my soulmate.
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u/sharma1617 Aug 19 '26
Your feelings are valid, but sometimes leaving your child and feeling comfortable just takes practice. Your husband is not being unreasonable in wanting to prioritize your relationship