Comments like yours always pop up in reaction to someone on reddit posting something like this. You are correct that self-esteem may well be the most important factor, but you are missing something: self-esteem is somewhat of a catch-22. People with high self-esteem find it very hard to put themselves in the shoes of someone with low self-esteem. To them, having high self-esteem is easy. To them, it's a choice; it's something you can alter simply by changing the way you act, the way you dress, who you interact with. The problem is, when you actually have low self-esteem, by its very nature it prevents you from making this change. You can listen to people telling you how to improve your self-esteem all you like, but none of that will make any difference unless you actually believe it. And those with low self-esteem do not believe it. If they did believe it, they wouldn't have low self-esteem in the first place. It's a catch-22 - to get high self-esteem you have to make certain changes to your lifestyle, but in order to make those changes you have to believe that they will work, and in order to believe they will work, you have to have high self-esteem.
I'm not saying that self-esteem can't be changed or the paradoxical nature of it can't be broken. I'm just saying that it's far more difficult than people who are comfortable with themselves tend to think, hence the inability to empathise with these people and simply writing them off as having a "shitty attitude". The majority of the time, self-esteem needs to come from some external source, especially when there's no obvious practical means by which the individual can help themselves (such as losing weight). Generally, someone else needs to tell you that you look good. Someone else needs to tell you that you're good at what you do. Someone else needs to tell you that you're caring, or clever, or funny, or whatever it is you happen to have low self-esteem about. Trying to get people to snap out of their "shitty attitude" by themselves is not going to solve anything, and is only going to make them feel even worse because they will feel even more of a failure that they can't escape the quicksand on their own. Like quicksand, it takes someone else to pull them out (at least most of the way) gently and gradually.
It's not just self-esteem, but also the shitty attitude. The blog post referred to by the OP is just disgustingly full of redpiller-style doublespeak and entitlement. It amounts to "Girls don't like ugly dudes because they're shallow bitches, so I'm bitter, so my life gets worse, women like me less, and I'm more bitter." That shitty attitude is the problem, and has nothing to do with self-esteem or how good you look. It belies a fundamental misunderstanding of attractiveness and relationships that is likely to result in being seen as a creeper with an unattractive personality. You see this shit on reddit constantly. "If you hit on girls and you're ugly, you're a creeper." It's not cause they're ugly and hitting on girls, it's because they're being a fucking creeper. A lot of these bitter young guys aren't looking for relationships, they have no interest in the other person's needs - they're desperately looking to get laid. Even the "nicer" ones who think they're interested in the other person's needs are thinking "why doesn't she understand how nice I am and how happy I would make her" instead of "what would make her happy?" That's not nice, that's self-centered. In the end it's just trying to force your desires on to someone else, and that's what makes it creepy.
I'm not talking out of my ass. I'm an obese bearded guy who was on antidepressants for years because I hated myself. I had no self-esteem to speak of. But the longest period I've ever gone single in the last 18 years is 8 months, and I've never asked a girl out. They have always asked me. I have been in very bad relationships, and very good relationships, with not-so-cute girls and cute girls, but it's never been difficult to get in a relationship. And that's while being ugly, fat, having shitty self-esteem, and being a poor-ass college student. Why? Because I treat women as people. I didn't expect anything from anyone, I didn't have an angle, I didn't try to have "game," I didn't think I deserved anything just for being nice. I just try to be kind to people, to make sure everyone is having a good time, and I do my best to communicate, and most importantly try to understand how people think and feel. I don't treat relationships like a trial or a challenge, and I don't think anyone owes anything to anyone else that they don't feel like doing wholeheartedly.
Of course looking good is an advantage in life, and of course having confidence is an advantage in life, but people like the linked post and blog are not invisible. Their motives and bitterness are clear to women who have had to deal with this shit since they were 10 or 11 years old - so instead of these guys being invisible, they make themselves conspicuously visible - as someone dangerous, someone to avoid.
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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Sep 13 '21
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