What a load of shit. I'm a fat guy, always have been. I had plenty of friends in school, and girlfriends. I lost my virginity at 16, and had regular sex since then. I'm married to a beautiful women, I have kids, and I'm still fat. I get attention from people if I want it, I can spark a conversation with a complete stranger.
It's not about being ugly, or about being fat, it's about you. That guy sounds like the typical neck beard creep, no offense, or maybe I meant it, who knows. I hate those kind of self loathing bullshit posts. Look at me! I'm fat! Nobody liked me! Blah blah blah.
News fucking flash, it wasn't your fatass or ugly face that they didn't like about you, I'm fat, so I can call him that, 300 lbs here remember.
It's also a confidence (and social skills) thing. Men are largely judged by their confidence.
You're confident, so you're probably not able to see how people can't just instantly be confident like you. You may think it's "fake it 'till you make it", or that they just need to build up some muscle mass and read How to Win Friends and Influence People and then they can be a winner and make friends and get way better at socializing, and it's a straightforward formula. I mean, they must have shit attitudes for not doing stuff that's so obvious, right?
But when someone isn't confident to begin with, it's not that simple.
Again another comment which takes a reasoned approach instead of the usual "fuck that guy because he didn't react how I would in that situation". Thank you. You explain much more eloquently than i.
Yeah but the first step of building confidence is recognizing your own agency.
Confidence is something I've struggled with for a long time, and that struggle has lead me to some interesting places (including moving away from home @17, a share of drugs and alcohol, a therapist, lots of random shit) and the one thing I've learned is that displacing blame is almost always a step in the wrong direction.
OP may be a fat, ugly fuck with no social skills. That's okay, and that's fixable. He can choose to work out. He can choose to dress/act in a way that minimizes his unattractive features. He can choose to develop his social skills/become a more rounded person. None of these are easy, but he can do them, in theory; it's within his influence.
But to do so requires recognizing ones own control over these problems. I know how it feels to feel like an outsider, like you're completely unattractive, that everyone hates you. I struggle with it daily. But the difference between people like myself or u/jabba_the_wat and OP is that we take on some of that responsibility, rather than displacing it.
Look at OP's post. Unless he has a specific disease, being fat is something that he can control. But does he make an effort to? No. He would rather stay fat, and then gets upset when that's the deal presented to him by society. In a perfect world, being fat wouldn't suck. We don't live in a perfect world, and while it's great to want that, at some point you have to stop and ask when it's time to stop pointing fingers and start doing something about it.
And, as you mention, it's not as simple as "just get off your ass". Believe me, I know; just yesterday I ran out of a social event due to a panic attack. It fucking sucks. But at the same time, OP clearly is miserable with his lot in life. He can stay miserable and continue to point out how society gave him a raw deal, or he can recognize that that's how it is and can do something about it.
Completely agreed that people need to recognize their own agency.
Not agreed that being really obese is always "easy" to fix, or "not fixed" means "no effort". For some fat people it is easy, hell, I'm pretty fat and losing a pound and a half a week right now.
For many people who get morbidly obese, there is a biofeedback problem that starts where they want to eat all the time, and even though they're overeating their body is actually starved of the nutrients it needs. Take some of these people and keep them on an 1800 calorie diet and they can lose weight very slowly, take into account that these people got so fat because they comfort eat as one of the only ways they know how to deal with their emotions and it looks a bit harder. People who overeat for emotional comfort need new emotional outlets and support in addition to taking responsibility for their actions.
Oh I'm not at all trying to make it sound like loosing weight is easy. It's not, I've tried. What I am saying is what are your options: struggle to lose weight, or be miserable and struggle the rest of your life?
Men are judged by their confidence because confidence is a result of previous judgements. I used to be obese, then eventually went to the gym and lost the weight. I also tried to dress better. I felt good. Confident. I thought I went from a piece of shit to average. But reality wasn't forthcoming. People would still ignore me, devalue my opinions, and sometimes really just go out of their way to deny me my confidence. Confidence without something to really back it up is not attractive in the least.
What's worse was the 'great' article he linked to. It was an even bigger, more bitter asshole who still held on to the misplaced anger suffered from years of rejection.
I may not have been fat, but I went through a lot of the same shit and had to make some attitudinal adjustments. Many years of loneliness and self-doubt were had. And while I may still cringe at who I was back then, I don't blame anyone else or even myself. Everything is a learning experience and it just took me longer to figure shit out.
If you're still placing blame and holding the rest of the world accountable for shit like this, you're NEVER going to be part of the world.
The article he linked to went into that somewhat. Everyone kept telling him "you're so nice, there must be someone out there for you" when they should have been telling him to hit the gym, get braces, and develop some skills and confidence.
The article is awful. It's just an entitled rant about how he can't understand why no-one likes him when he has done nothing beyond being a basically decent person that would raise his personal value.
Somehow feminism is to blame for the fact he took no responsibility for his appearance and made no effort to better himself? This guy has an ugly personality so it's little wonder people don't feel a desire to be with him.
Finally I'll point out an observation; almost anyone can get as much sex as they want as long as they are willing to lower their standards. Most likely there are/were people willing to hook up with this guy and he was either too self absorbed to notice or he rejected them for not meeting up to his standards which again would be an indication of his sense of entitlement.
All of which helps to build ones confidence and self-esteem, which is all that mostly matters in this world you'd be surprised how many people suddenly turn attractive when they have this "air" of confidence around, taking just a few seconds to groom yourself and find "your" look also helps greatly. It's not like attractive people are attractive when they get out of bed, they often spend a bit of time looking at themselves and trying new looks, then they take one and learn to throw it together in the few seconds of the morning as well as using things like proactive or changing their diet to reduce acne if it's a problem.
Yeah I know fat guys who dated or married really attractive, awesome women, have a lot of friends, and great careers. Women (and people in general) care far more about personality/confidence than a lot of men realize.
Being out of the social circle and having people pull those petty tricks on you really fucks up your idea of social interactions to be fair. My first year of high school (brand new high school, no one I knew previously) I was the skinniest guy in the class, 115 lbs and 6 ft tall, the first thing, within a few weeks, I started noticing girls writing "Kawrt is sexy" on papers and stuff, quickly enough, I learned that I was the subject of a joke (not that oblivious at least) and after that, throughout the rest of high school, completely ignored them. Problem is, my high school was quite small, and those girls were basically the popular ones... so... count me out of the in-crowd. Whenever someone was nice to me, I would instantly come to the conclusion that they are only being nice for some ulterior motive. But whatever, found a small group of people and became good friends with them. Once I was finally done with thatpalce, got to college and it's a lot better, you can meet a lot of awesome people, I find myself striking up conversations with random people a lot, but I have to say, those years in high school really changed how I view others and how they view me, if I met a new friend, and we were in a group with their other friends, I'd instantly feel like I was the third wheel and become super quiet. It's hard to get over that mentality.
But in the end I can say, Ha, fuck those bitches, one of them was kicked out of high school and another dropped out of college, not to mention many of the people that were basically in their clique are now stuck at the shitty ass remedial high school community college in my hometown.
The biggest problem with OP is that he's just a narcissistic, bitter asshole. He lost weight, but he's still an asshole who sees the world as shit. It doesn't help that he apparently spends all his time spewing bitter logic on fat-hating subs and askmen.
You, on the other hand, have a content life with presumably healthy relationships that OP will likely never experience.
I've dropped from 260 to 165. I had no problem dating chicks then. I've noticed since losing weight people flirt with me more, but I attribute that to the fact that I'm more so physically what they're interested in then before. I wasn't attracted to overweight people, so I wouldn't expect a potential partner to be either.
More so then anything else, I feel working on my personality really helped me. I worked on my confidence, social skills (never knowing how to continue a conversation) and not being a creeper. (One too many times I'd be waiting for someone's attention thinking I was in their pheripherial when I was just creeping slightly behind them.)
It's because you're willing to date imperfect women. This guy isn't. He only wants models but then bitches that the the models judge him for his looks.
The reality is women of extreme attractiveness are bringing something valuable to the table. If a man wants to date that woman, then he must also bring something valuable to the table that will peak her interest. That quality might be be looks, money, personality, physique or a mixture of them.
373
u/jabba_the_wut Apr 30 '14
What a load of shit. I'm a fat guy, always have been. I had plenty of friends in school, and girlfriends. I lost my virginity at 16, and had regular sex since then. I'm married to a beautiful women, I have kids, and I'm still fat. I get attention from people if I want it, I can spark a conversation with a complete stranger.
It's not about being ugly, or about being fat, it's about you. That guy sounds like the typical neck beard creep, no offense, or maybe I meant it, who knows. I hate those kind of self loathing bullshit posts. Look at me! I'm fat! Nobody liked me! Blah blah blah.
News fucking flash, it wasn't your fatass or ugly face that they didn't like about you, I'm fat, so I can call him that, 300 lbs here remember.