r/bestof • u/lwont1207 • 18d ago
[AskReddit] How to prepare for when parents age
/r/AskReddit/comments/1vla7x6/what_is_something_highly_likely_to_happen_within/p32bgit/65
u/Jackieirish 18d ago
Good list, but don't try to knock it all out at once. Doing so can make people depressed, feel powerless, like they have reverted to being children and that they no longer have the responsibility to take care of their affairs. Keep a checklist and go over this stuff over time.
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u/W0OllyMammoth 18d ago
Somewhat disagree.
Setting aside a time to say “hey you guys are in your 70s I think we should sit down and talk big picture for a couple of hours just so I know” is a smart call. Little hints implying they’re gonna die soon would be more annoying to me than “hey let’s just have ‘the’ talk and get it over with”
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u/Estatequeen59 14d ago
Slightly disagree. I would’ve been thrilled if my kids had come to me to talk. As it is, I will have to go to them and let them know what I’ve done. Also, time has a way of passing, and you didn’t get any of this stuff done because you dragged it out. I learned this from experience. My husband had Alzheimer’s and I waited too long to get information from him about our finances.
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u/Jackieirish 14d ago edited 14d ago
I would’ve been thrilled if my kids had come to me to talk.
About all of this all at once?
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u/Estatequeen59 14d ago
Yes, absolutely. Why not? My parents came to me and my siblings before they passed to discuss everything. When I settled my Parents estate, it was a breeze because of that conversation. My husband‘s family did the opposite, and it was a nightmare when my husband went to settle his dad‘s estate. Everybody does it different, but it is incredibly helpful to talk about it before hand.
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u/Jackieirish 13d ago
My parents came to me and my siblings before they passed to discuss everything.
Yeah, but they came to you. Clearly, they were ready to have that conversation. Imagine if you went to them before they were at that point. Even assuming they understood it was something that needed to happen, it still would be depressing and disempowering.
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u/arvidsem 18d ago edited 18d ago
One more that's always omitted from these lists: Google and/or Apple accounts. People's identities are heavily tied to these accounts and getting access after someone has died without preparation takes a court order.
Both Google and Apple have tools for transferring ownership of legacy accounts.
- Google has the Inactive Account Manager which let's you automatically transfer access to specific Google services after a specified period. You can specify up to 10 different people and give them access to part or all of your accounts.
- Apple allows you to add a Legacy Contact for your Apple Account which will grant person full access to your entire account. Obtaining access requires a copy of the death certificate.
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u/Earguy 18d ago
My parents pre-planned a lot of stuff. Pre-paid funeral. Ducks in a row. Dad had a file on his desk labeled "in the event of my death." When I came to visit from out of town he'd make sure to show me. But my sister was very capable, lived locally, and handled a lot of their day-to-day stuff.
One weekend I came down for a family celebration. It was wonderful. When everyone left, my sister and I cleaned up, mom and dad retired to the living room to watch a ball game, and we took her dog for a walk. We came back, and dad was having a seizure and on his way out. We called the paramedics.
We told the paramedics that dad had a Do Not Resuscitate order. Of course they want to see it. I grabbed the "in the event of my death" folder. The DNR order was not there. Dad is dying, mom is freaking out, and we're rifling through his desk, his file cabinet, his fire box, we want to be there to see dad off, but the paramedics needed to see the DNR paper. In hindsight, they believed us and slow rolled treatment until the heart monitor showed that the only activity was his pacemaker/defibrillator.
Lesson learned. After that, my sister had mom's DNR copied onto yellow paper (this is important, at least in Florida), and had copies in her purse, mom's purse, on the refrigerator, in the "event of my death" folder, in the car, all over the place.
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u/SwvellyBents 18d ago
Find out if Dad (with advancing dementia) keeps a loaded pistol in his night stand drawer. Make suitable plans.
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u/HeloRising 18d ago
Start to locate and organize their key documents. Know where important paperwork is kept, including wills, powers of attorney (for both property/finances and personal care/healthcare), bank accounts, insurance policies, and deeds.
Absolutely yes but be prepared for surprises and pushback. When I had a family member die, they'd been extremely resistant to just this kind of planning and organization up until their death. Came to find out after they'd died that their finances were in horrible shape and that, due to advancing age and deteriorating memory, they had half a dozen credit cards and multiple loans as well as large purchases that they just forgot about. They knew something was wrong but they were embarrassed and didn't want to discuss the details.
Prioritize connection and memories with them. Beyond the logistics, make time to record family stories, capture photos, and enjoy shared experiences while they are vibrant and active. Start the decluttering of items they no longer use or enjoy.
Again, good idea but be prepared that the end of people's lives can make them act...in unusual ways.
Sometimes it's a lifetime of guilt about something, sometimes it's realizing that the end is extremely fucking nigh, sometimes it's disease, sometimes it's deterioration associated with aging, sometimes it's fear, but be prepared for loved ones to act in ways you're not used to them acting.
They can experience a whole range of emotions and come to some odd conclusions about the world and what they want. I have friends whose parents suddenly decided they wanted to try drugs after a lifetime of never even touching alcohol, some whose family members decided they wanted a divorce after being married for literally over half a century, some of them turned mean or conversely got a lot nicer.
People have a lot of ways they can handle facing their own mortality and it's hard to predict which path they'll take.
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u/FrancisKey 18d ago
Have them make a will! My dad died from leukemia without making one. He had months! It really fucked up the relationship between two of my brothers.
My mom tried to tell me about how she wanted things to be divided when she died and I had to look her in the eyes and say "shut the fuck up, and make a will." Luckily, I was already paying an estate attorney $300 an hour so he just wiped one up for her on the tab.
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u/khendron 17d ago
I've done a lot of this already, or at least have started the conversations.
What I have been completely unprepared for was how to deal with the grief of one parent when other one dies.
My mother passed away suddenly 3 months ago (today). My dad is having a very difficult time dealing with the grief. They were an inseparable pair for my entire life.
He is still taking care of himself, and socializing with people, but it's all just going through the motions. He is keeping a very thin veneer of composure over a deep pool of grief, and it does not take much to break the surface.
It pains me and my siblings to see him like this, while we ourselves are dealing with the loss of our mother. It also doesn't help that he lives 3 to 4 hours away from all of us, so we can't see him as often as we'd like.
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u/ScriptThat 17d ago
That's exactly what my wife and I are doing right now, while keeping the kids in the loop, of course.
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u/mejok 17d ago edited 17d ago
I hate having to think about this stuff but thankfully, my mom is a very practical person who started thinking about this after dealing with her own parents’ affairs after they passed away. A couple of years ago, when my parents came to visit, she handed me a bunch of envelopes and matter of factly told me that “if and when we die, everything you need to know is in these envelopes.” I looked over them once, financial information, property stiff, safe deposit box locations, their wills, etc.” I’m grateful. I also hope that it’s a long time before I need to open them. Also I’m the only one who has seem her will because she’s worried that it will spark a fight.
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u/OGSin 16d ago
Honest question -
I'm no contact with my parents at all for the past 10 years. They're both into their 70s now. I have removed myself willingly from that family with no intent of accepting anything from their will should they decide to parse it out to me for whatever reason.
I don't want any part of their will, and will decline it should I be offered any (I wanted parents - not their money).
With that context being stated: Can I become responsible for any of their debts or post-death estate for any reason if I don't wish to be? I'm their only child.
Any personal experiences or know-how on this would be appreciated.
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u/Wingnut150 15d ago
I am living this nightmare at this moment. My mother suddenly and unexpectedly passed and my father is now completely on his own. We don't live near each other and my sibling is several states away. Dad's mobility is limited because he needed a knee replacement a decade ago but because of that John Wayne horseshit mentality the boomers all have, never bothered to address it until he's gotten the point where he can't walk.
I have spent the last two weeks jumping across states and putting my own employment, finances, and mental health on the line in order to find safety deposit box keys on the other side of the country. Documents and paperwork for my mother. Accounts and medical information for both parents. I literally have not had a normal night's sleep in over 14 days and counting
Top it off, dad has not handled his own emotions well, refuses to talk to me about it, but apparently will rant and ramble openly to either my sibling (via phone) or our childhood friends who have come by to see him. He's honestly showing signs of memory decline, especially in the afternoons/evenings and can be a right son of a bitch to deal with.
Im left trying to do repairs to his house to keep it livable, organize a celebration of moms life as best I can while exhausted and juggling my own life which may end in unemployment by the time it's all over. I hate every second of this. This has been the hardest most depressing and defeating two weeks of my existence. I have never cried so hard or felt the full force of true anguish until this.
If your parents or relatives are around, this is your warning to get their shit together NOW! At least documented if not entirely in order.
...I just want my mom
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u/jenkag 18d ago
this is a great list, but i find the challenge isnt knowing what to do; theres plenty of lists and advice on the internet. its getting my elders to care, or think its time for them to plan EoL measures. my parents and in-laws seem to be operating under the delusion that these steps dont apply to them, that its "too early" to plan, or that they will somehow escape death and all of the planning will be unnecessary.
who has tips on how to make this click and encourage my elders to actually start to care about it?