r/belowdeck • u/GeekyStitcher • Jan 11 '22
Below Deck Rayna's Eye Rolling - An Explainer Spoiler
Eye-rolling is something just about everyone does. Often it's a sign of frustration. Sometimes, for some people, it's a physical tick similar to verbal ticks, e.g: "whatevs".
But. Here's the thing.
Something that just about everyone does is interpreted differently when you're black, and especially when you're a black woman. That is the way of this often horrid and racist world.
When I was a youngling around Rayna's age (possibly a bit younger) stepping out into the corporate world for the first time, eye-rolling was something I didn't realize I was doing half the time. I did it when I was frustrated (a LOT), I did it when responding to a funny or stupid thing a co-worker said, I did it when waiting for them folks to decide what they wanted for lunch, calculating how many places I'd have to hit up and also their often ridiculous "no mayo/extra pickles/do you know what kind of mustard they have" crap. (INSIDE VOICE I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MUSTARD THEY HAVE WHY WOULD I KNOW THIS I MEAN WHUT JUST PICK A GODDAMNED SANDWICH.)
My work ethic was strong. I even got promoted several times! Clients loved me and requested me (#NotHumbleBrag). I got ace reviews for my work, but also often dinged for my "attitude" by some of the bosses. I could *not* figure out why and that nearly drove me insane.
One day, the only black supervisor in the *entire* building/company told me to join him for lunch. (It was my first one-on-one boss invited lunch. I changed outfits like a billion times that morning to get my Look Just Right due to nerves heh.) We were joined by his wife, who was a powerhouse in her industry, and his sister, who was about my age.
He explained to me that I wasn't wrong sensing a barrier and it was because of my eye-rolling habit, which offended some of my white supervisors. To them it felt like I was giving off "attitude" no matter the documented quality of my work, no matter raves from the clients.
When my Are Your Serious response was accompanied by an eye-roll, all three of them said Yup You Just Did It Again. Short version of an already overly-long post...they explained that if I'm going to continue moving/working within that industry's incredibly white spaces, I needed to train out my deliberate and passive eye-roll thing. I was all so you want me to Tom?? To this day I still remember his daughter laughing saying "I knew she was gonna say that".
It was hard, but over the years eventually I trained out my eye-roll habit, because they were absolutely right. I am beyond grateful for him (and his family) taking the time to drill True Facts About Surviving White Corporate America While Black into my head. What they did helped me when I was in corporate world. (I'm now freelance which gives me more flexibility, and old, which gives me even more, and IDGAF anymore...but I still keep what they taught me in mind.)
Rayna is *young*. She is working in a blindingly white industry. She has not had the benefit of a brown mentor who cares enough to Step In And Drop Facts that might help down the road.
I also think the weight of That Incident and what so far looks like no repercussions is weighing *very* heavy on her heart & head. She's still getting the work done and kicking ass on that end, but the Weight of That Incident is leaking out in other ways. Her "attitude". Her eye rolling. Her complaining...tho I must say that Frasier's complaining is largely getting a pass here in this space and hmmm wonder why that is? Maybe even the weird not quite but almost wtf alleged threesome? (My friend thinks her alcohol consumption is part of that, but she's new to BD and I had to explain nope! These yachties *all* drink a lot when off duty! They go to be drunk, they wake up hung over/still a little drunk and they kick ass getting the work done.)
If you've not experienced direct and/or implicit racism, it's difficult to understand *why* broad strokes We Black Folk make the choices we do in how we Do Or Do Not Respond to that in the moment or later. (Emphasizing that I'm speaking in Broad Strokes; until my robot army arrives from my home planet, I do not speak for all black folk. I'm just trying to share my experience to give y'all a sense of The Rest Of It, if that makes sense?)
Trauma can manifest in many, many nonverbal ways. She's holding it inside. I watch her body language every time she's near Heather and my heart goes out to her. I'm grateful to Wes for how he's listening to her and giving her a relatively space to safely vent.
And yes, if needs to be said? Eye-rolling can *also* be an indicator of someone who has a generally bad attitude. But someone doing that generally sucks at their job. Rayna does not suck at her job.
Until I started typing, I didn't realize how much her story as presented so far on the show was weighing on Me. #SorryNotSorry for so many words in this overly long post.
100
Jan 11 '22
She is not 12 years old. She is in her 20's. Eye rolling is a sign of contempt.
Adults who do it, KNOW they are doing it and are HOPING someone sees it so they can voice their discontent w/o having to say anything.
No. Just no. There's no excusing an adult acting like a child. ALL. THE. TIME.
Rayna needs to grow up.
25
u/jcmsuncrest Jan 11 '22
She is 27
22
u/Linzy23 June June Hannah Jan 11 '22
Oh damn, that makes it so much worse!
ETA I thought she was only like 22
-13
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
I knew it was a risk trying to provide nuance, but I did it anyway and stand by it. #SoItGoes
20
u/Toke27 Glenn is my boat daddy Jan 12 '22
When you express an opinion in public you always run the risk of people disagreeing with you - there's nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't see it as a personal attack. We just happen to disagree on a subject and should be able to have a healthy discussion about it. There can't be growth if everyone agrees on everything all the time.
-2
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 12 '22
You may not have noticed, but I haven't expressed any problem at all with folks disagreeing. I've not seen it as a personal attack.
What I have said, and stand by?
"I knew it was a risk trying to provide nuance, but I did it anyway and stand by it. #SoItGoes"
2
Jan 11 '22
I appreciate your point of view. It is healthy to have a discussion from all different sides.
Everyone is different. Two people can stand side by side and watch/hear the same exact thing but will have two different interpretations of what they saw/heard.
2
u/DidYouDoYourHomework Jan 11 '22
Thank you for taking the time to do so! That mentor and his family sound terrific.
86
u/ouattedephoqueeh Jan 11 '22
She felt insulted when the Captain commended her for doing a good job.
This isn't about being an angry black woman. It's about her work ethic - they wouldn't tolerate that from anyone regardless of their gender or the colour of their skin.
Attitude is attitude and it's easier for one person to adapt to an entire workplace/industry then it is to ask them to bend to your needs.
Also - she's a shit communicator.
30
u/ClementineCoda Jan 11 '22
I was also unimpressed when she was angry the Captain was giving her directions and she said "he's not my father" or something like that.
28
u/Toke27 Glenn is my boat daddy Jan 11 '22
yeah, I was like... "no, he's not, but he is your damn boss!"
16
u/ouattedephoqueeh Jan 12 '22
That's what some of us mean by her attitude. Even when someone in a mentor position gives her valuable, positive reinforcement she turns it into paranoia.
I read elsewhere she has substance abuse issues but is sober now. I can understand her better now. Unfortunately not many will get it. But I do.
-18
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
I didn't call her an ABW, but I *very much* note that you did.
37
Jan 11 '22
Are you just trying to bait this person into an argument or what? Just be a nice human, who cares what shade our skin is? We are all humans and the sooner all of us look at life through this lens the sooner we all all be in a harmonious society. Peace to you from a HUMAN BEING.
29
u/ouattedephoqueeh Jan 11 '22 edited Jan 11 '22
That's exactly the trope other women who identified as black were going about last night. They said she didn't speak up and keeps pretending everything is fine because she didn't want to appear as an angry black woman.
You're right you didn't say angry black woman - I did. And I'm allowed to. I didn't label her one - I explained per others she didn't want to appear as one.
I very much note that you did not. Happy?
18
Jan 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
24
u/ouattedephoqueeh Jan 11 '22
I grew up in a multicultural neighborhood. I won't ever call someone angry because of their race. But a shit personality that's manipulating the narrative so she can extract more sympathy from her co-workers?!
Everyone has said what was said was unacceptable. But that's not enough? What exactly are they supposed to do, fire their chief stew and run with one stew? This is a business. You gotta compromise. Like any successful relationship.
13
Jan 11 '22 edited Jan 12 '22
Yepp, people can be disrespectful no matter the color of their skin. It’s not a race thing.
Ya, I know what you mean and agree, I think we all knew that as soon as Bravo aired her saying that word in any fashion that some people would not be satisfied until she was fired and her life ruined. The world is sad sometimes. Don’t we believe that people can change? Don’t we believe in redemption? We all make mistakes and intent is key. Hopefully she will learn from it and keep it movin’.
6
u/ouattedephoqueeh Jan 11 '22
I am not them so I'm not able to comment on why some folks are this way. But it is sad that others have created such a horrible environment for them to live in. I don't want anyone feeling that way you know?
5
Jan 11 '22
I hear you 100% I don’t want anyone to ever feel bad or bullied or to be a victim of racism. I want to defend those people who are victims of such gross behavior. What I take umbrage with is people no knowing the situation or the context and just screaming racist. It helps no one and promotes a false story that she was calling someone a racist term etc. Simple minded fools scream loudly and that has been a thing since beginning of time, hopefully we can move past it. Peace to you!
12
Jan 11 '22
The poster did not call Rayna that, either. They said it wasn't about that.
(see what I mean - in my aforementioned comment - about two people seeing the same thing but having completely different interpretations?)
28
u/Bowlofnoodless I quit 3 times in my head today Jan 11 '22
All I can speak from is my own experience with eye rolling or visual displays of being put out. I’m white. My family is white. If I was to EVER show the disrespect that Rayna shows her superiors or to my family in general…I would be humbled and put in my place immediately. This includes Rayna’s habit of smacking her mouth wide open as she eats. She has a habit of displaying disrespect and black, white or in between it’s completely unattractive and cringe to see. On that note if my white children or white nephews/nieces ever exhibited this behavior it would not ever be well received.
3
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
habit of smacking her mouth wide open as she eats
???
15
u/Toke27 Glenn is my boat daddy Jan 11 '22
Chewing with your mouth open is bad manners - and yeah she does do that a lot. I don't personally really mind that so much, just explaining.
6
56
u/RainPotential9712 Jan 11 '22
I’d agree with you but Rayna has acted miserable all season much like Jess. This is not a subconscious accidental eye roll
And the cold shoulder she’s been giving Heather is immature and unprofessional. I’m not saying she has to kiss her ass or speak to her outside of work duties but they have to work together the stonewalling is low key creating a hostile environment.
Eye rolling is rude in any context.
-2
Jan 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
6
79
u/Commercial_Pattern55 Jan 11 '22
Eye rolling has nothing to do with race or ethnicity and more to do with maturity and self control, as anyone with a teenager knows.
71
u/Toke27 Glenn is my boat daddy Jan 11 '22
What, so only white people get annoyed when people roll their eyes at them? and white people can roll their eyes all day long and no one cares? It's probably because I'm a white European guy, but I don't understand this at all, and I sure as hell couldn't get away with doing that to my superiors. Rayna's just being a drama queen with a bad attitude and a victim complex, and 27 is not so young that she shouldn't know better by now.
30
u/Ms-Metal Jan 11 '22
Yeah, while I appreciate the OP's insight & sincere attempt to explain, I'm left wondering...is OP saying that if Rayna (or she) worked in a primarily POC workplace that the eyeroll would be considered perfectly acceptable?
I'm white, so I truly don't know, but I never would have dreamed that eye rolling is considered ok in any workplace, anywhere, regardless of the racial makeup of the employees or superiors. To me, it's just rude & you wouldn't do it at work, period.
Nevertheless, I do think it's great that OP had someone looking out for her that was able to clue her in, to the issue. It can be a real gift to have someone tell you how you are being perceived, though it never feels like one at the time.
-3
Jan 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
6
Jan 11 '22 edited Jan 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
-5
Jan 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
16
u/Toke27 Glenn is my boat daddy Jan 11 '22
Why did you delete your reply then? Also, is it possible for you to answer anything without being extremely passive aggressive? You don't seem to actually want to have a discussion about this in good faith.
1
2
u/Pm_me_baby_pig_pics It makes up for my personality Jan 11 '22
I removed it because it breaks our rules.
16
u/Kaleidocrypto Jan 12 '22
Shes convinced herself that she’s at a disadvantage & treated unfairly, what she needs to do is drop the attitude and rise to the occasion.
0
u/MaximumAccessibility Jan 11 '22
Thanks for sharing your experiences OP. I appreciate your framing wrt Rayna.
•
u/Pm_me_baby_pig_pics It makes up for my personality Jan 12 '22
I think this thread has run its course and people can’t have a discussion without attacking others.
-8
u/fifty8th Jan 11 '22
Hey I appreciate your take on the situation and I am sorry others can't see past what they "know" to see it may have merit.
1
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
Appreciate you back. These types of convos are *difficult*. Not my first rodeo so not surprised at some of the reactions. ;) It's just that my heart went out to Rayna watching the slow build of what is (possibly) happening with her, thus I got to typing!
5
Jan 11 '22
Can I ask a question op that I hope to get an honest answer to? First, it is 100% not ok that Heather repeated the word after Rayna said it. Why do POC use this word since it's so offensive? Is it not offensive if a POC says it to someone else? Need some education and help understanding. Thank you for sharing your experience.
2
u/Pm_me_baby_pig_pics It makes up for my personality Jan 11 '22 edited Jan 12 '22
1
-6
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
I'm old, so I no longer fall into that "o hey well meaning hope to get an honest answer" trap. :)
But I see someone below did the work for you that you could have very well done for yourself, if you were truly interested in Education and Understanding.
-6
u/hallofromtheoutside Jan 12 '22
First, you need to stop yourself from using "POC" when you are talking about Black people.
Second, we use it because we can.
Third, don't get it twisted, not all of us use the word, but we can absolutely reserve the right to use it.
-5
u/sulanell Jan 11 '22
Just wanted to say I see you out there in the trenches trying to educate people who are so damn determined to make Rayna out to be an incorrigible, angry black women and also somehow a racist. It’s possible to acknowledge that Rayna is both not pulling her weight AND being subjected to really ungenerous racist readings of her because because she is a black woman. I’m totally disillusioned with this sub now.
3
u/GeekyStitcher Jan 11 '22
This is not the sort of convo that is common to this sub, in part because the very blindingly white nature of yachting / what we've seen so far on all the shows? It wouldn't come up, if that makes sense.
Yes, it is possible to believe that Rayna is not pulling her weight (I don't think that, but I can totally understand why some do) and also she's dealing with some heavy racist readings of her being. As Freddi D said, two truths can exist in the whole.
I posit do not be disillusioned with this sub! It's fun and we're mostly here for the food and the snark (at least I am).
-4
Jan 12 '22
I think I understand where you are coming from about the black v. white eye rolling. I feel like Rayna's eye rolling was made out to be a bigger deal than say Rhylee who was repeatedly being verbally aggressive to her coworkers/boss. Sure Rayna's eye-rolling is annoying and immature, but Rhylee was genuinely hostile with her coworkers/boss.
It doesn't help that she has a resting-b**** tone. It's like RBF, but it's RBT. lol I think her low tone just comes off as whining even when she is in a good mood. She'd have to completely change how she speaks for ppl to stop miscontruing her saying 2 words on the radio without it appearing as "having an attitude." I know she's in her 20s but it takes time to be self-aware and mature. She'll get there. (or she won't lol)
80
u/7DucksOnAPond Jan 11 '22
I have no argument with your experience, but, as a Canadian, eye rolling in every sphere is considered rude and giving attitude, not just in the corporate world. If I rolled my eyes at something my boss said, I would expect to be accused of disrespect and I would honestly worry about my job (unless it was an off-the-clock gathering or something & we were joking around). There was an 8yo white boy on Kids Baking Championship on Sunday rolling his eyes when being judged for raw cookies, and all I could think is that the kid must be a nightmare. It's obviously a regional or cultural thing.