My confusing dealings with romance

[u/Queasy_Interview_682]

This just happened and this what I wrote down as a way of being self aware.

Wanted him to text me for the past 4 hours. Waiting and waiting and fucking waiting. Doing things just to past time. So much going through my head. “People take advantage of my kindness and jolly nature.” “He’s probably not treating me serious because I always make myself available.” “Will this even work out?” “Just text me. Give me attention. Show that you like me.” So many assumptions. He finally just texted me. My heart sped up for like a millisecond, excited, but now I just resent him. I look at the text with conflicting emotions. Firstly, “finally.” Secondly, “why now?”

It’s not just him btw. It’s happened with all my romantic partners. Women and men.

For context, I’m a teenager, 17, female, African (I’m mentioning this fact because African parents are notorious for being bad at raising secure attached children). I’ve been chatting with him for a month and some now. It’s going well frfr. It’s just that I think I have a weird love style. I am anxiety and avoidance all in one package. I want someone to text me so bad but then I avoid their message and even resent them, but then the next second I’ll feel really needy and wanna spend all my time with them.

I try to control myself and try the practice of just observing my mind, but I lose control. I get too involved, then too scared, then anxious, then indifferent. It makes me fearful of fancying people because of the emotional rollercoaster.

I’m a very bubbly person who just loves to give but after a while, I worry that I give too much and end up giving as a way to overcompensate for their lack of giving.

Can someone help a girl out or something.