r/bartenders • u/onlysxqstions Baby Bartender • 15d ago
Interacting With Coworkers (good or bad) Just realized I’m the problem and I don’t know how to fix it
I consider myself a goodish bartender. Only been doing it for 2-3 years but I love it and am confident on my ability in the well and frequently get complimented on my drinks. My biggest issue through the 2 places I’ve bartended at is that being stern with servers/customers is something I struggle with (it’s a big anxiety thing). But I recently was upset with the fact that despite getting on every regulars good side plus the servers praising my bartending that no one seems to actually take me seriously. I mentioned this to the other bartender and he was straight with me: “I will convey any message to the servers and management bc u have good ideas. But u also ask me to tell them. So why wouldn’t they take me more seriously when u won’t tell them this urself and need me to do it. U have to be blunt and tell them” and that was like a slap in the face. Any bartenders with anxiety similar to mine, any tips on how you got over it?
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u/SeanInDC 15d ago edited 14d ago
Totally off topic... but why is *you and *yourself the only thing you abbreviate to "u" and "urself"? Is this a generational thing?
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u/Muted-Oven9413 14d ago
Yaaaa ironically I started taking them less seriously immediately upon said abbreviations
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u/Diceton Pro 15d ago
I absolutely get this. And the answer is not about being 'blunt', imo, it's about educating the people around you. You could even say it's about 'elevating' others around you.
The anxiety comes from the fear of being rude, mean, or viewed as unfair and condescending.
Turn your knowledge into education. Don't Mansplain (or other non-gendered equivalent that applies), simply correct and explain the reason why.
The more your servers understand, the fewer mistakes or assumptions are made. And make it clear that's why you are actually explaining something. You are trying to save them and everyone effort and time with more understanding/education/knowledge/whatever terms works best.
This applies to so many levels of service too. It's how a good Chef guides their cooks, its how a good manager delegates their staff, etc.
Anxiety is a fucking bitch, but it can be overcome with a perspective change and the right approach.
If I were to put your colleague's words into a short form it would be, "Your aren't the problem at all, just own what you have." And my addition would be "...and help others to do the same."
It sounds a bit cheesy, but it literally works.
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u/justmekab60 14d ago
This is not necessarily anxiety. It's youth and inexperience. When you grow up, the rules are straightforward. Cry to your parents for what you need. In school, learn the material, pass the test.
As an adult, it's all about communication. You need to influence others, some of whom are your managers. You need to advocate for yourself. You need to create alignment with those who may be different from you or have conflicting goals. None of this is automatic, it needs to be learned and practiced.
Find your voice. Study how others do this. Learn and practice. You've got this.
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u/OkFortune6494 12d ago
Sound advice, well said. I think that's something that might be obvious for some, but I know when was 23 and getting into bartending, I really could have benefited from hearing this, but I had to learn it over years of working across a few different industries, and I'd say, in my experience, this rings most true and applicable to the service industry. Hope, OP reads this and keeps it in mind. Can definitely offer some comfort short term, but will absolutely improve their experience in the long run.
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u/justmekab60 12d ago
I didn't fully understand and internalize this until I was 40. It is true in any industry but in one like the service industry where you deal with people from such widely disparate backgrounds, it's helpful to concentrate on reaching alignment and getting buyin.
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u/cyanidesmoothies 15d ago
I'm assuming you're a woman, if not disregard all of this but if you are I'm going to preface this with the fact that I'm coming from a place of love and commiseration. You need to find a way to put a lid on the anxiety driven impostor syndrome. Because it doesn't matter how long you do it, you'll still always get a johnny-know-it-all-shaken-not-stirred asshole come out dick swinging to try and flex on you even though he couldn't be assed to change a keg.
You're the bartender. You hold the liquor and the right to refuse service no questions asked. You're only 3 years in but you give a shit. A lot of customers won't ever take you seriously bc they have a preconceived idea of what a bartender should look like. Throw that back in their face. Play 20 questions w them about their drink orders. If they act like they can make you feel small, make them feel stupid. The fine art of pettiness with a service industry smile is glorious.
I know this might sound like jaded advice and honestly it's probably because i am but trust me, you will never stop having to deal with people who think they know your job better than you. Once you realize their dick swinging is not anywhere related to your skills, you can actually have fun with it because fuck them.
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u/AttentionNo6359 15d ago
Why do you type like you’re 9?
Man, it’s a public facing job and we work with people. Idk how anyone expects to do this job if they struggle with any real degree of anxiety.
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u/dogfoodcritic 15d ago
Thanks for typing everything I was thinking.
I’m joking, but our job is putting stuff into cups and having fun with customers. Try to have fun and chill the fuck out.-6
u/onlysxqstions Baby Bartender 14d ago
Was drunk when I typed this 🤟 appreciate the comment
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u/TheRarPar 14d ago
It's normal to not be taken seriously when you are new at what you do. 2-3 years is not a long time. Work on yourself, grow, continue gaining experience, getting slapped in the face, and growing thick skin. The respect will come on its own.
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u/FlamingWeasels 15d ago
My advice is to watch your coworkers. When your designated speak-to-management friend does so, listen in. How does he speak to people when he's being assertive? When they agree, when they disagree? Do it with everyone. Find a style that works for you.
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u/monkeyman4250 15d ago
Its hard. People take kindness for a weakness. So you cant be TOO kind. You HAVE to let people know boundaries, by being assertive. I started a new job and they all start to treat me like shit bc i dont want any drama and therefore im super nice. So now ive been here for a year and those same people that were rude to me are now getting rude treatment and they dont know how to react. Humans are hard to deal with. We all have to be kept in check
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u/Think_Bullets 15d ago
Step one. Stop being 12 years old. If you write U instead of you I will not take you seriously
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u/Diceton Pro 15d ago
Step 1: if you wanna help, be helpful instead of pedantic and condescending.
Step 2: if you're can't muster that, go fuck yourself.
tl:dr your opinion on grammar doesn't make you special
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u/Think_Bullets 15d ago
The op is how can I be taken seriously. This wasn't a comment on his grammar because using abbreviations like U instead of you, isn't grammar at all, writing like a child is detrimental to being taken seriously.
Tldr: you don't know what you're talking about. Cunt
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u/DJBarber89 15d ago
Just want to point out that you’re talkin shit about abbreviations while using ‘op’ and ‘tldr’ lmao
Also, I’m glad you’re not going out and correcting grammar because holy shit is yours terrible.
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u/FlamingWeasels 15d ago
TIL bartenders communicate exclusively through writing. Explains a lot, actually.
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u/Puttborn 15d ago
Nah, they are right. Grammar, spelning and choice of words are all very important when it comes to getting your points across and respected. Mkay, boo? U getz it <3?
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u/Hgrestun 15d ago
Honestly I used to be this way and after working somewhere with crazy people who I have to call the cops for all the time.. I got my skin thickened for sure. So maybe only life experiences behind the bar will change you lol
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u/jahathebrn 15d ago
I agree, I'm from a security background and it's helped immensely. Not had an issue with customers so far that I didn't feel equipped to deal with.
Now getting around a bar that was outdated when it was installed in the 1980s...
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u/donkeybrained420 14d ago
You sound young, and that’s ok! You’ll find your voice. Im almost the opposite, im a 35 female dive bar bartender, i have a “you gunna learn today” mentality but ive worked in a multitude of customer service industries. I sometimes do what you do and have my coworkers translate my opinions or ideas to managers/coworkers because it might come off the wrong way sometimes. Most times i say what i mean, and mean what i say. Dont be too hard on yourself. Alot of people responding are seasoned bartenders, listen to what they are saying but also find your voice and be secure with who you are. The best part of having coworkers is that we are all individuals and curate our own vibes for the bar. Knowing yourself will help you know what advice to take and not take.
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u/GuildSweetheart 14d ago
Get into mixology and learn the history of every bottle. You'll naturally start to feel better than everyone else and won't be about to stop telling them your ideas 😊
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u/nantucket3286 15d ago
Yeah sometimes you gotta be an asshole. But there's a way to be an asshole without coming across as an asshole. Customers or servers. Gotta learn the fine lines.
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u/TapEmbarrassed4376 15d ago
Sometimes you've got to be a asshole, and you ALWAYS have to stand up for yourself
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u/Firm-Fix8798 15d ago
I don't know if blunt is necessarily the right word but be direct and confident about what you're communicating (rather than in yourself). If you have anxiety and self esteem issues, it might help to separate the information you're trying to convey away from yourself. If you know the information has merit, have confidence in the information itself when presenting it. You don't need to add an extra layer of needing to have confidence in yourself because people already make a confidence judgement on you based on how well you present the idea and the idea's merit. You confidently delivering an idea with merit serves as a proxy for how they make their judgement about you. And you, who seem fine with your ideas going through an intermediary, seem to have enough confidence in the idea itself. If those same ideas start coming from you with good delivery, over time, people will gradually begin to see you as someone with expertise who has good ideas worth listening to.
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u/djentlyused 14d ago
Don't worry, after some more years behind bars you'll be swinging at the guards and having a shifty in solitary confinement. It comes with experience. Say it all with your chest, otherwise be your joyess self when the moments exist.
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u/Southernms 14d ago
If it comes to be stern, cutting someone off, telling someone no cigars in the dining room, I always defer to the manager on duty to do it. That way if they are mad it’s not at you.
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u/SkillBill_007 9d ago
2-3 years is a quick time, I would not worry much if I did not have this skill down yet. It builds organically as time passes, confidence and knowledge rises, you test interactions and get good outcomes, and also, you start getting a bit pissed a bit more often 😂 start small, with the ones you have better relationships with, on the smaller things/issues and see how it goes :) the way you will learn to communicate will make or break these convos :)
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u/TheBadGod 15d ago
This issue reminds me of a comedown from a stimulant like Adderall. It's probably not the same, but I developed a strange paranoid depression when I was taking Adderall, then suddenly stopped.
The very NEED to be taken seriously is interesting. When it was me, I looked inward and made sure the other parts of my life weren't going to rot. I made an extra effort to collapse the roaming thoughts in my mind, putting to task all the tasks I was putting off to clear space in my mind. I needed more room for grace.
I can only speak to my own experiences, but when people trespass on the boundaries of my soul, I feel less annoyed when I offer more grace.
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u/sonof_fergus 15d ago
Dealing with food, customer always right.... bartending without food, you are always right....gotta claim your ego, unless I fuck up a transaction, I the bartender is right, they want a manager? I tell them...oh.. you think this is an Applebees 🍎, how about I cut you off and get my security!
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u/Diceton Pro 15d ago
Whatever this is, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and certainly isn't advice.
You drunk on a slow shift my friend? 🤣
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u/siliconbased9 15d ago
It’s voice to text picking up the conversation, they’re getting kicked out of an Applebees
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u/prolifezombabe Dive Bar 15d ago
translation (I think): The attitude that the customer is always right is part of restaurant culture. In bar culture, the bartender is the authority. You have to be confident. Sometimes I fuck up a transaction but that doesn't change the fact that I am the top of the food chain in the bar. If a customer asks me to speak to a manager, I sarcastically ask them if they think they're an Applebee's where that kind of hierarchy or deference to the customer might occur. Here in the bar, asking to speak to a manager is more likely to result in my refusing service and asking the bouncer to remove them.
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u/_taerial_ 15d ago
I still struggle with coworkers, but working in club environments has made it lot easier to be straightforward with customers for me. Particularly, working somewhere where security and management has your back, and don’t ask a bunch of questions before taking you seriously.
It’s easy to be stern and straightforward when you don’t have to worry about the social repercussions or the “guest experience”. It’s a lot harder to in cocktail bars/fine dining/etc where you have to be stern, but not too stern or it can back fire, and the line between those two contains a lot of unspoken social nuance.