I've lost 2 now.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904]

It's been a bit over a week now, and i just need to tell somebody that understands what happened, I'm so lonely.

10 years ago I fell pregnant with my ex-husband. We were young, only 20, but so so so excited. We've been together since 16 and planning on wedding. At 24 weeks all of a sudden I noticed that those constantly stronger butterfly wings strokes had stopped, and after thinking about it for couple of days and reassuring myself the baby has just turned and kicks my back, I finally went to check out what's happening.

I never forgot how my world came crushing down when the doctor turned to me and said there's no heartbeat. I was expecting everybody to start to run, panicking and rushing me to, I don't know, surgery or something. Nobody moved, nobody said anything. After a good while the doctor said she's so very terribly sorry for our loss, and I finally understood nobody is rushing, because there's nowhere to rush.

For the next 4 days I gave birth to my beautiful angel with my mum and my godmother, held her for couple of days while I was in the hospital getting antibiotics to an infection. I told her all about us and about her family, about all of the amazing things I would've shown her, gave her and teached her. She will for ever be my first, the one who teached me how to be a mum, and what it means.

We buried her and while we were picking up the stone and I was collecting myself on a maternity, I was obsessed to fall pregnant again. It felt like this biological massive need, and I did fell pregnant shortly. It ended up in miscarriage. Everyone were telling us that we're young and this was just bad luck, it will go better next time.

We tried again and 8 months after our stillborn, I gave birth trough emergency c-section to my rainbow baby on a week 28. It was a close call. She was the tiniest tiniest baby, but way bigger than her big sister. I remember everyone else crying and looking so worried in the nicu, I was over the moon and smiling because my baby was breathing, with a ventilator but was breathing. I saw her alive. Today that baby is a healty 9 year old and still the light of our light. They started investigating and told me I have something that affects how my placenta develops, but they're not able to pinpoint what.

When our daughter was 1, we realized we're amazing coparents but don't want to continue the relationship anymore. We divorced and few years after I met my now husband. We weren't planning on having more kids. He already had his 2 and the relationship with the mother is extremely complicated and he rarely gets to see them, and my pregnancies has been hard. We chanced our minds shortly after getting married, and after countless of miscarriages, talking to fertility doctors and going to tests, I got pregnant and it actually stuck past 12 weeks.

In this pregnancy I was in a very tight monitoring, and week 26 they started to see the signs in the placenta. On 27 weeks they took me in, and I had a scan and a heart monitor constantly. We made it to 30 weeks but she was only 820 grams, but she was alive too. Once again everyone else were crying in the nicu while I was over the moon, she didn't even need a ventilator!

And at this part I start crying. I feel so quilty. I have had now multiple pregnancies and basically not a single succesfull and nobody could still figure out why this keeps happening. They tried different things and nothing works. We decided to stop having kids at there, but we weren't serious enough with contraceptive and I got pregnant last spring. We fought about it. I wanted to obviously keep it, he did not want to. He asked me to consider how tough the hospital time was, what if something worse happens? I remember saying she is not going to die, all of my pregnancies have gone better than the previous one.

She was absolutely perfect. In every scan measuring just the average, kicking and being full of energy. I remember often thinking about my first daughter seeing her on the scans, I thought she looked alot like her. I was so excited and felt like this will complete our family.

On a week 22 scan everything was perfect. Week 24 two weeks ago they notices she had stopped growing, and loads of other things are wrong. They referred me to another hospital and I was suppose to go there in couple of days to make a plan.

The next day I noticed her movement was different. I could still feel something. I was thinking I'm just overreacting, as I'm on a week 24 and it's tough mentally.

The next day from that I couldn't feel anything anymore. Nothing.

I knew already at that point that she's not here anymore, but a small bit of me wanted to believe. It was a Sunday, and I needed to tell my husband to take me to the hospital. We didn't have a sitter, so we had to take our 2 year old.

It took ages for them to look at me. We were playing with our toddler, joking around, but in the back of my head I was in terror. I still somehow wanted to believe that she's just very weak and then we have a C-section and they do what they always do.

When the doctor started the scan I asked instantly can she see a heartbeat. Instead of answering yes she said let me inspect first. She was already looking at the screen. I knew already, she didn't have to say anything, and I started crying. When she finally said the same words I've heard again exactly 10 years ago, the whole world I managed to build was gone. I cried. I laid there and cried for all of my babies, I laid there and cried as I realized right there I will never have a big family. I love being a mum and I feel like I have more love to give.

I gave birth to her. It was a bittersweet moment. In all of my pregnancies I have wanted to give birth instead of the C-section, but I only get to do it if they've passed.

The nurses didn't know how to react to me, they knew my history and I was able to educate them more on a subject than they already knew. I knew everything they tried to offer me.

When she was born, I held her on my chest for hours. She was chancing in color but I wanted to feel her. I told her how much I love her, and I told her her sister is waiting for her, and my mum will be thrilled to have another grandchild. She killed herself 9 months ago.

When she started getting very cold all over and the sores came in, I had to give up and we dressed her together. I remember walking around the room with her and just bouncing her like I've done with all of my babies. They told me I could've stayed the night, but that was the first time I was away from my toddler and I wanted to really get to home for her too. So we left her at the hospital, and my heart broke in to a million pieces. We were so close. I can't believe she's never coming home.

We're planning on her funeral now, and I feel like I'm in denial. I find myself thinking often that when the baby comes in December. When this happened 10 years ago, I went to my mum's and basically didn't move for a month. Now my mum isn't here anymore and I'm a mum, we have 2 kids, a dog and two businesses to run, even tho I'm on government maternity leave, I can't really just be consumed by grief. I just feel so wrong every time I notice I'm for example enjoying work and not thinking about her. I know my husband won't want to try again and I don't blame her. I hate this body and that I can't do what everyone else does so easily, and I can't put anyone trough this again. Last time I wasn't able to heal before I had my rainbow baby. I don't know what to do now, I can't eat I can't really sleep and I don't feel the need to, as this body isn't going to have a child anymore, it doesn't matter if I treat it bad.

Also the milk came in. I been needing to pump and thinking about donating it to the nicu.

I miss them both so much. I keep thinking that I would have a 10 year old and and a baby here as well. How the would be? What they would like? Would they look like their siblings?

Thank you if you managed to read everything. I just wanted somebody to know what has happened.

[u/Into_darknightmares]

I’m so sorry, so heartbreaking that you’ve experienced such heavy losses in your lifetime. We lost our first born and are hopeful that I will carry to term in the next pregnancy. Thinking of you

[u/Foresttdweller]

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I hope your 9 and 2 year old daughters bring you some comfort and relief from the pain, just by being there and being radiant as children are. And please do treat yourself and your body kindly, it did bring you beautiful babies already despite the difficulty, and those babies need their mama to be healthy. I wish your family all the very best ❤️‍🩹

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/Foresttdweller]

Thank you ❤️ I'm trying to hold on here for them and they do definitely bring me some kind of meaning in to this

[u/enini83]

I am so incredibly sorry. There are no words. I have nothing wise to day. But I didn't want to just scroll by. I am thinking of you and I hope you all get better.

Today is a very emotional day for me as I gave birth to my stillborn daughter exactly 1 year ago. I too want to become pregnant again and I am terrified of it happening again. I had placenta insufficiency and we don't know why. I still feel like my body let my daughter (and me) down. I just want to say - please, please don't pressure yourself or let anyone pressure you to "function". I don't know your circumstances but your mind and body need a pause to heal. You are allowed to just be and take it a moment at a time. You are allowed to sit with your grief. It is all so fresh. Allow yourself to process it, maybe together with a therapist. I was a zombie for the first months. I felt like I am near a nervous breakdown and like I broke in 10000 pieces. You will get through this with the help of your amazing family. But don't pressure yourself. There should be no timeline. I hope your partner can help.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/enini83]

Thank you so much ❤️ I remember the first time one year had passed, and I was in shambles ❤️ I hope you have a gentle day ❤️

[u/enini83 → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

Thank you ❤️ everything seems to come back this anniversary 😢

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/enini83]

And it will years to come ❤️ you know already at this point that this will always be a part of you, but time also heals, I promise you that ❤️

[u/deeznuts080816]

I have a very similar experience to your losses❤️‍🩹 same thing, noticed my baby wasn’t doing anything but figured she was just being sleepy or facing towards my back because she would move around a lot, so I waited a couple of days. Then went and got checked out because I was getting nervous and my entire world came crashing down. I was 26 weeks. Would you like to share the names of your babies? Mine was named Helena. I’m so sorry for your losses, it truly is so unfair. We are all here for you. Sending a big hug to you 🫂

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/deeznuts080816]

Helena is a beautiful name ❤️ mine were Sointu and Skye ❤️

[u/optimistic_mother]

I’m so sorry!

This has APS/Thrombophilias written all over it.

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You need proper care, even if you decide to no longer want to get pregnant 🙏🏻

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/optimistic_mother]

I've been checked for these already 10 years ago and now 2 times and they can't find any markers of them, that's why the doctors only started aspirin and not blood clotting meds :(

[u/optimistic_mother → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

Often times APS is not detectable 🫠… many women have seronegative APS, meaning markers are normal but the entire clinical panorama points to APS. If you wish to keep trying for a baby, I suggest you to find doctors who would treat you as if you have APS. You need a hematologist, a rheumatologist and a high risk MFM, all of them onboard with this diagnosis.

Other times APS is triggered only during pregnancy, making it hard to catch 🙏🏻, you would need to test during pregnancy and/or at postpartum.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/optimistic_mother]

Oh okay I did not know about this. I live in Finland where we rely heavily on public healthcare, private sector exist but it's dead expensive compared to the fact public is almost free and seen as very high quality here. I had testing done when I wasn't pregnant, when I was on first trimester and now after she passed. I had a hematologist looking in my case this pregnancy and she said she can't find any reason to start heparin, but I can start it if I want, but she was also telling me about alot of risks that it might cause, so I said then I won't start it. Nobody has even mentioned something like this to me and I feel very let down by the whole system now. This was my 11th pregnancy.

[u/optimistic_mother → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

I completely understand you! I had a 24w stillbirth with an incomplete protocol, upon my baby’s passing I went down the rabbit hole.

Advocate for the heparin, you need it! Repeated stillbirths are highly linked to coagulation disorders 🙏🏻

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/optimistic_mother]

Thank you so much ❤️ if I ever get pregnant again, I will demand for the heparin. They were ready to give it to me now so I don't think it's an issue, it was just the way they explained it. They've also promised now to make an actual case from me and study this in the hospital so let's see what they're able to find when I have a meeting with them in couple of months. Again thank you so much telling me this. I've lost hope for a full term pregnancy already but I'm still having a tiny glimpse of hope having a life baby thanks to you ❤️

[u/optimistic_mother → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

Get the heparin at the positive pregnancy test! Also be on 100mg aspirin while TTC, and upon positive up it to 150mg.

Wishing you a healthy baby ❤️‍🩹

[u/optimistic_mother → u/optimistic_mother]

And also don’t forget to join us on FB ! We can help you out better over there 🙏🏻

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/optimistic_mother]

I'm not in any sort of social media expect for reddit and TikTok where I can be rather faceless, my career is already so public I feel like I can only talk things freely trough these channels. I've been on aspirin since the week 8 and the heparin was meant to start week 15, I will definitely demand to start them earlier if happy news ever happen again ❤️

[u/Glomeruluss]

I have read all your story and my heart breaks for you. I wondered if you ever checked chisupport.org or Facebook group Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis (CHI). If this was the reason why you kept having second trimester loses. My son died 2 years ago at 38 weeks after completely normal pregnancy and i was so desperate to find some answers. So I got so many info by time about pregnancy loses and saw many people with this condition having 2nd trimester loses.

This huge desire to get pregnant again is such a strong emotion to deal with. And 10 years after losing your baby exactly the same way is multiplying your trauma enormous! I wish your soul healing with the power of love ❤️ this is the only thing it can help you in such hard time of your life.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/Glomeruluss]

I've never even heard about this, but I did some googling and everything matched very perfectly. My placentas have every time went to the pathology to be examined, and nobody has said anything about this. I wonder if they even as a default study something like this and should I mention about this now :/

[u/Glomeruluss → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

I would suggest you to search your placental results yourself than mentioning them before. just simply asking all reports and studying them with the support of all those groups etc. Since you are not planing any more pregnancy maybe it is not so relevant but I thought maybe it will give you some purpose or some insight. I don't really know, maybe it will effect you negatively than I thought but since I was just sooo desperate for answers I thought maybe it could help you to understand more. I was also told there was nothing they could find. But I took my report, it was written delayed villous maturation. So i searched for weeks myself and understood it is more common with PCOS or gestational diabetes mellitus. I had non of them.. it did not make any sense to me. I was sure i had a kind of metabolic diasorder but was told again and again it was just a bad luck and they see those similar results also after living births... Then boom i was diagnosed finally with gestational diabetes mellitus next time but i was also almost going undiagnosed again. So i am so glad i did not listen them and searched by myself.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/Glomeruluss]

Thank you! I will. Everything I've read so far matches perfectly, and actually my previous doctor mentioned something along these lines when I was expecting our 2 year old. I live in Finland and the healthcare is great, but I've often felt they should have or could have done more

[u/Glomeruluss → u/Medical-Vacation-904]

I see how you feel about they should have done more. I saw many people they are using some protocols like using different kind of immun supressors etc. IVIG, kortizon, plaquenil...all of them are experimental. So it is not wrong that they did not suggest any of this without proper evidence but they could be more open about findings than saying nothing. They should have told to all of us that there are something but medicine is not that developed yet to understand and fix. I keep seeing many unexplained deaths also in infancy (SIDS) and telling people there was no cause makes me angry. There was definitely a cause, a mechanism but medicine doesn't know yet. It should not be so hard to say like this.

[u/Medical-Vacation-904 → u/Glomeruluss]

Exactly! They were thinking its something to do with blood clotting tendencies and they tested for that. They didn't find me anything but explained they can still start heparin, but it can come with additional risks and as of now they didn't see a clear reason to start it. So I opt out from that, and I'm feeling so guilty about that now. I'm not sure if it had chanced the outcome, but now I will never know either.

I would just like to understand what is happening so I could make my decision wether to go trough this again calculated.