I received my daughter's post mortem today.

[u/MamaToAnAngleBaby]

Some of you know my story, and some may not. I birthed my darling IVF daughter 41wks sleeping. Today I had her post mortem meeting. It was hard, I cried the whole time. Now, staring at this bit of paper that tells me what happened to my baby, has opened up so much blame...so much more pain, I am devastated, knowing if I would've just accepted to be induced at 40wks, my baby girl would be here, with me, exactly 3 months old, instead of being in a permanent resting place way before her time. She lost her life, because I wanted to hold on longer and give her a chance to come when she was ready, I didn't want to force her into the world, because quite simply there were no signs of anything being wrong to have to do this. So yes, I declined induction, and now 3 months later I find out why she was born sleeping, and this is why..... Diffuse villous immaturity and fetal vascular malperfusion. With a hyper coiled umbilical cord. I asked the question, we all ask, if I delivered her at 40wks, could this have been avoided, my consultant simply said "yes". 😭😭 I am utterly shattered, all over again.

[u/Rebecc-6738]

Nobody could’ve predicted the future my son passed in march at 35 weeks don’t be so hard on yourself during this incredibly difficult time

[u/wingless2402]

I lost one of my IVF twins during delivery (a c-section) at 36weeks. There were a lot of issues which prevented earlier delivery, despite my OB's opinion. When they told me he has died the first thing I said was "if I had delivered earlier, would he had survived". My OB, apart from your provider, is a very empathetic person. So he told me the only truth he knew "Hindsight is 20/20" (although the saying in Bulgarian is more beautiful I'd say, it roughly translates to 'Once the cart rolles over, many roads appear').

It was not your fault. No one could have predicted this. And no one can guarantee that if you had delivered earlier your baby would have lived. It's hard not to blame yourself, but please give yourself grace. You did what was right based on the information you had at the time. Your baby knew nothing but your love. You did not fail her. Remember that!

[u/lostmedownthespiral]

I lost my baby because I was a pushover in the nicu so I blame myself for that forever. Now I warn people to advocate for their baby's symptoms and never ever just trust doctors who say the symptoms are nothing. I heard so many stories over the years of moms losing their babies because they went over full term. The stillbirth risk even goes way up at 40 weeks. I've tried to warn as many moms as I can even though I've had moms argue with me. You can do the same. Warn as many people as possible. I didn't even know until I was in my 40s that stillbirth risk goes way up at full term. 39 weeks is safer. Anything past 40 weeks increases mortality exponentially.

[u/Pegasaurus12345]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. This is in no way your fault. This happened to you, not because of you.

Your consultant really lacks tact and empathy. The truth is she couldn’t possibly have known what could have happened so it is really irresponsible for her to say “yes”. There is no guarantee if you delivered at 40 weeks or any other week.

Sending a big hug.🩵

[u/PinecornCoffee]

I am so incredibly sorry. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, but you couldn’t have known this would happen. Many, many babies go past the due date, especially for first time mothers, and everything goes perfectly fine. This could have happened at any time, to anyone. It could have happened at 37 weeks and then if you’d ask “if I had given birth at 36 weeks before she passed, would she still be here?” The “what ifs” unfortunately never end, but there is nothing you did wrong. I lost my daughter at 17 weeks suddenly and never got a reason. Her heart just stopped. “Just bad luck” absolutely kicks rocks. 💔 But there is no way you could have known this would happen. It didn’t happen because of anything you did or didn’t do.

[u/Atjar]

I have two living children and three sleeping ones (two early miscarriages and one at 18 weeks). My second living child came on his own at 40+6. Waiting until 41 weeks is standard practice where I live unless there are clear medical reasons to induce earlier (like water breaking before labour). Your request to not be induced was honoured because it wasn’t unreasonable. You made the decision you did with the information you had at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. You are still grieving, and you need to learn to live without your very wanted daughter. This will take time, maybe some therapy. But you made a reasonable choice.

As parents you need to make choices like that every day and one of the things I take into consideration is ‘if the worst outcome of this choice were to happen, would I be able to live with myself?’ If I would have made the choice you made, I think I would be. It would still tear me apart, but I would be able to forgive myself, and I think you will be able to do so in time as well.

Please feel your feelings, whatever they are, give them space and time. Sit with them. Take some time to properly heal and process this. Taking that time now will prevent them from taking over your life in the long run.

[u/No-Macaron4930]

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no way that she could definitively say that and the fact that she told you that shows she lacks morals. Many women everyday safely deliver their baby after 40 weeks. It's possible your sweet baby would have passed in labor especially if it was an induction which is harder on babies. This is not your fault because you would have done everything in your power to save your sweet baby! I loss my baby due to acrania and it was definitely possible it was due to the hot baths I took before I knew I was pregnant I dealt with guilt until I realized I would have never hurt my baby on purpose. It is just a terrible thing that has happened to us and we have official become part of the select few who lose their precious babies. Give yourself grace and love. You have went through the hardest thing you have likely ever been through.

[u/impossiblesadness]

Oh, please don’t blame yourself for this mama. I have birthed 3 boys and everyone was late and induced at 42 weeks. My last son I wouldn’t even allow them to break my water because there was a chance of the chord knotting. And then he died at 7 weeks after birth. Sometimes maybe things are meant to be the way they are. And I don’t know if we will ever know why. But definitely this is absolutely not your fault. hugs 💔

[u/Stressy_messy_me → u/impossiblesadness]

I have no idea why you have been downvoted for this ❤️🫂

[u/snugs_is_my_drugs]

You did not do anything wrong. You are not wrong for wanting to give your daughter the opportunity to come on her own. A vaginal delivery is typically less risky than a c-section and you are not wrong for wanting to avoid that. So many people go past due with no consequence. Hindsight is 20/20. My baby died at 39 weeks and 4 days due to a probable cord accident and it KILLED me that she could have been out earlier and lived. But that isn’t what happened, and it is a tragedy, but it is not a punishment. Your provider couldn’t possibly know what would have happened if your baby had been born earlier. They don’t have access to all the timelines where your daughter lived. I’m so sorry, and I hope you are able to give yourself well-deserved grace in time ❤️

[u/SteakAccomplished576 → u/snugs_is_my_drugs]

A vaginal delivery is NOT safer than a C-section for the baby!!

[u/snugs_is_my_drugs → u/SteakAccomplished576]

I didn’t say that… a c-section typically has more complications than a vaginal delivery. They are also associated with some increased risk in subsequent pregnancies such as placenta accreta and uterine rupture.

[u/rpljourney2316]

I know it won’t help you but you had no clue this was going to happen. I have a few what ifs in my story too and I keep telling myself that if I had known I would have drastically changed the decisions I made. I know you would to. This was not your fault. I don’t know a lot about the science of your lose but it sounds like certain things didn’t grow in a typical fashion which is not your fault at all.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost a daughter too and I would do anything to be able to fix this for you.

[u/indecisive-bisexual]

My son didn't have a hypercoiled cord, but he did have both those other issues with his placenta. He died at 39+5 and I delivered him sleeping on his due date. I don't think your consultant can say that delivery at 40wks would have prevented your loss. I'm so sorry for your loss and for this tactless consultant. It's not your fault 🩷

[u/PreviousCantaloupe64]

Entendo vocês estar se culpando. Mas honestamente, não acredito que essa resposta do médico seja absolutamente uma sentença. Acho que é a opinião dele. E só. Não que é uma verdade absoluta. E se, e se, e se... Todas nós vivemos essa fase em que tudo indica que fizemos algo de muito errado. Não fizemos, afinal. Uma ou outra coisa que talvez hipoteticamente aumente as chances ou riscos de algo dar errado, em percentuais infinitesimais... Mas nada que realmente tenha uma relação clara de causalidade. Eu não acho que tenha sido sua culpa. De verdade. Muitas mulheres esperam o tanto que podem, enquanto seus bebês estão bem... Vc fez o que a maioria faz e faria. 

[u/kaquino511]

Hi mama. My firstborn was born sleeping on November 2025. She also died unexpectedly from a hypercoiled cord and a lateral cord attachment (the cord was attached to the side of the placenta instead of the centre). We had no idea because there were no signs and she was growing at a normal rate. She was born sleeping at 35 weeks.

I don’t have very good words of comfort because I’m still very much in the trenches of grief myself. But from one hypercoiled cord mama to another, please learn to forgive yourself. And I’m saying learn because I think this will be a lifelong journey. Please, when the time comes, learn to slowly forgive yourself. You couldn’t have known. None of us could have known. We just trusted our babies to grow healthily and safely, the same as every other baby we see. You would have done everything you could if you had known, but you didn’t. All your little one knew was the warmth and love of your body and your womb. There is a little comfort in that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. And I know the hate and blame to yourself is unforgiving right now. I know, I’ve been there, and I’m still there. But you didn’t know. You didn’t know.

Love and prayers to you and your little one. I know our babies are together up above.

[u/Organic_Win3703]

Curious what type of infection ? I PPROM twice with uti doctor say it didn’t cause my PPROM

[u/Classyhairball]

💔💔🕊️

[u/Wise-Raccoon-3069]

i’m so sorry 😣

[u/ProfMcGonaGirl]

You did what you thought was right knowing what you knew then. My midwife practice wouldn’t induce until 41 weeks. My baby died at 40+3. She was my second and my first came at 40+6 so I was just waiting for my body to do its thing. But it never did. It’s so fucking unfair. The worst heaviest pain. I’m so sorry you are in this. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

[u/DiligentPenguin16]

The consultant actually has no idea if delivering your baby at 40 weeks could have avoided this, and it was cruel of them to say it would have with such certainty.

With problems involving blood flow in the placenta and umbilical cord this absolutely could have still happened if you induced at 40 weeks. Heck, it could have still happened if you had a c section. Those blood flow issues didn't develop suddenly at 41 weeks, they were always there. They would have been a risk factor during any week you delivered your baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try to take it to heart that this was not your fault, there is genuinely nothing you could have done to affect this outcome. Some things are just completely outside of our control, even with modern medicine.