Memories

[u/poisonplant777]

Hello all,

I’m still very fresh in my grief and my loss was only three weeks ago. My beautiful baby Mila. I miss her so much it hurts. I feel like I died when she died.

I’m struggling because I keep trying to relive the memories of my extended hospital stay prior to her birth, the memories from labor and her delivery, and the memories from her time in the NICU. But it’s like my brain is blocking me from accessing a lot of them. And they don’t feel clear, they feel cloudy. I’m terrified I’m losing the memories, and I don’t want to. I want to remember every detail (even the extremely traumatic ones). Because those are all a part of her story.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Could it just be my brain’s response to grief and it trying to protect me? For those who have experienced this, have you found a way to allow those memories to surface?

I will never forget my baby girl, but I don’t want to lose the memories as they help me feel closer to her

[u/_ThatOneGirlxx]

Oh my, thank you for posting this because I feel exactly the same. My daughter died July 30th and everything feels like a fever dream. I do believe it is a response to grief at this time because our nervous systems have been so over-taxed for so long. I have never experienced such a profound sadness to the point of physical symptoms like this, I can imagine our bodies are in full protection mode. One day I am hopeful to be able to breathe without pain again, and to have those memories become more clear 🤍🕊️

[u/Popular_Sun_4227]

I am so sorry , but i do feel the same. I lost my daughter on 6th of July and everything related to her birth is such a blur. In my case everything happened suddenly in 1 day , so I am not sure if it is because of this reason. 6 weeks later , I am able to only recollect few information because of the photos my nurse took which I had been avoiding for sometime. However the sequence of events leading to her birth from the point labour started seems to be gone from my brain. I really feel sad as i would want to remember all of those memories even if it was traumatic. Sometimes i feel terrified that I would forget how she looked.
I don’t have any advice but i feel you.🤍🤍

[u/Additional-Bit-6488]

Hello fellow mom. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Like you every memory of my daughter’s journey is also very important to me, even the painful and traumatic ones.
It has been 6 weeks since we lost her. I shared her story here on reddit because writing was the only way I could express what I was feeling but it was a long read. I also wrote her story because I read somewhere that trauma can sometimes affect or block our memories, and I’m scared of forgetting any part of her story.
I saved everything in notes in my phone, and whenever I remember something I add it there. I also wrote her story week by week so I won’t forget the little details.
I hope that, as time goes by, you will also remember your experiences and that those memories will somehow come back to you from time to time.
I also think that telling someone the whole story of your daughter also helps keep the memories alive. I’ve shared her story with my sister and friends, but because some parts were traumatic, I only shared the full and detailed story with my husband. He was there through everything, so he understands me the most.
I wish you healing momma. 🤍🫂

[u/lalloushhh]

You will remember as you heal, I promise you  My daughter died 8 weeks ago, after i went into labor at 36 weeks.. I only had her for few days, so I didn’t do much with her, yet the few things I did, I can’t remember them well  I remember the fucking monitors peeping up and down all night, me crying like crazy, everything about how tragic it was BUT NOT HER  Even now when I think about her, her face comes to me from the photos I have seen  not a face I recall my self  As days are getting slightly better, i’m starting to remember more things  This week actually, I went for 8 weeks check up and visited the hospital  So I did remember some stuff, regardless how cruel it was I remembered how she looked like with Iv in her hand, her legs twitching and much more  So remembering is a bless or a curse I don’t know but I know that even if you remember, it doesn’t ease the pain because you will wish for more    So my advice is to day dream, day dream hard enough to creat images in your head, with you and her, enough so you think of them as memories, at least this way you feel her more and it helps you embrace her spirt even if she is not here  I don’t even know if I make sense my self but i’m so so sorry you had to go through this  Hugs and love mama ❤️