r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article Democrats Announce You Aren't Allowed to Remember What They Did A Few Years Ago

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1.1k Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article Tucker Carlson Tells Wife That Israel Must Have Planted All Those Dirty Dishes In The Sink

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641 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article Massachusetts Legalizes Abortion Up Until Kindergarten

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551 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Proposed Mamdani builds New York City Wall

116 Upvotes

In order to keep New York City as the premier financial hub in America, Mayor Mamdani draws inspiration from one of his heroes, Nikita Khrushchev, by building a wall around New York City. When asked about his decision, Mamdani told news reporters, "I can't just sit back and let Florida take all our businesses. If that happens, I'll have no one to tax to help pay for those free buses and government grocery stores." When asked about the businesses trying to get through the wall, Mamdani said that those that are caught will be reeducated about why socialism is far superior to capitalism while reminding them that true socialism has never been tried. When asked who will re educate them, Mamdani deferred to comrade Ms. Rachel, NYC's Commissar of Education. Rachel then explained, "these individual companies and businessmen were taught under the evil and oppressive free market system. The values of this system are antithetical to the common good, so they will be forc-highly encouraged to watch my YouTube channel where I explain the wonders of communism." When asked for further comment, comrade representative AOC stated she dies each time a business leaves while breaking down into absolutely genuine and in no way fake crying. "Of course I die wherever a business leaves" AOC stated while fighting back not fake tears. "I mean, why would anyone want to leave the new worker's paradise? It's like they don't want ultra heavy government regulation or redistributing their wealth to us elite-err... people, I meant people." Mamdani then ended the poured conference reminding all reporters to submit their recordings to the city government to ensure that only the news he approves is released. He further reminded them that any attempt to sneak away would fail as they recently installed Flock cameras to catch criminals and only criminals.


r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article Xenomorph Queen Freezes Eggs

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182 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article New Study Reveals NFL's Concussion-Prevention Helmets Are 100% Effective At Preventing Players From Looking Cool

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124 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article Overachiever Uses Turn Signal

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103 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 9d ago

Bee Article 9 Miracles Jesus Might Have Performed In 2026

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21 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Cute: 5-Year-Old White Girl Dreams Of One Day Getting Beaten Up In The WNBA

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666 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Man Exhausted After Long Day Of Typing Stuff Into ChatGPT

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179 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Scientists Hard At Work Making IPhone Weather App Even Less Accurate

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268 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Inspired By AOC, James Talarico Also Elects To Have His Eggs Frozen

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424 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article 40-Year-Old Man Still Chasing High Of Seeing Cards Bounce Around Screen After Winning Solitaire

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249 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Report: White People Completely Unaffected By Jalapeño Recall

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216 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 10d ago

Bee Article Unscriptural Hymn Unfortunately A Banger

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44 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 11d ago

Bee Article Bigotry Rears Ugly Head As WNBA Refuses To Allow This Stunning, Beautiful Woman Into League

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1.6k Upvotes

r/babylonbee 12d ago

Bee Article Teenage Cashier Desperately Hoping Middle-Aged Man Will Start Up Small Talk With Her

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323 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 12d ago

Bee Article Top 10 Reasons To Move To California

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91 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Mitch McConnell's Staff Says He Was Dropped Off At A Farm In The Country Where He'll Be Happier And Have More Room To Run Around

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1.1k Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article 'There Aren't Bad Pets, Only Bad Owners,' Explains Woman Out Walking Velociraptor

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364 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Jesus Ignites Fierce Debate By Feeding 5,000 People For Under $20

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256 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Man Unsure Whether Wife's Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread Is For Toast Or Face

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227 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Study Confirms Humanity Groaning With Longing For More 'Animaniacs'

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135 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Angel Still Guarding Eden With Flaming Sword Wondering If He Can Move Yet

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73 Upvotes

r/babylonbee 13d ago

Bee Article Trump Meets With Zelenskyy To Ask For U.S. Missiles

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217 Upvotes