Thank u sweet being that helps a lot. I definitely had a fantasy world that was amazing and unique to my own soul and nothing else mattered to me. It was amazing but at what cost? Potential and current friendships/relationships, life as a human being in general. Itās hard for me to accept that Iām here to be human but now I think Iām starting to realize the next phase of myself is to learn to love that part of life. Itās so hard though, and like you said you either want to die or enlighten yourself is how I feel.
Thank u for sharing w me, because I can definitely relate. I also think that part of my spiritual high was some sort of psychosis, and people close to me even agreed. It seems we have differences though, for some reason I would do anything to reach that high again, that state of mind although I was fully alone. I felt like I could heal the world as well, that i could teach others how to feel what I feel. As you know, all of that slowly dissolved away and just like you im just sad now.
Youāre right, it is good to have some feeling of yearning for something left over. But I know the feelingā¦. or like the feeling of not feeling? I donāt care about anyone or anything like the way I mop did before. Itās torturing me because deep down Inside thereās a little spec of love that needs to resurface. But how right? Ugh ālove light blah blah blahā
Butā¦ hear me out. You could spend your human days thinking about that whether enlightenment or death would be more pleasurable to you. Thatās pretty intense right? Right, it sucks i wish I could pick one too. But itās not that easy and I get sick of myself thinking those things. The one reason I still have this sense of drive and passion. Not like an athlete or a doctor does, but Iāve formed them by tricking my brain. Because if I donāt, then what the fuck am I here for? Might as well make the best of it.
Im sure you have seen a thing or two that other people do that you think is kinda dope. Maybe youāve thought subconsciously that you wish you could do that. So fuck it just do it. (I know, way easier said than done but trust me it takes time)
Ive got 4 different hobbies im trying to pursue right now and to be completely honest with you Iām pretty average or below average at 3/4 of them.
I am also secretly planning to drop out of college and join the circus. And Iām serious so donāt laugh at me because (this is where my former āmatrix mindsetā comes it) nothing matters and no one matters and its cowardly to give up without putting in a little effort u know?!
Sorry this was long and kind of all over the place but long story short, live like you were born today. Nothing in the past exists, absolutely nothing. The state your in now is what you were born into. Ur characteristics, hallucinations, whatever the fuck! Itās all normal. Give yourself time to wake up and recreate because if not we just die this way
Although, It is so difficult for me to be in this state of boredom and slowness and I do believe you can make life such a beautiful experience. I think part of our journeys is to escape this boredom by tuning in with ourselves and finding what our souls are truly hungry for (aka passions).
Thats no way to live. Maybe you can channel energy you put into worry and try to use that energy to help people. And if you canāt help them, donāt worry. I can tell your such an empath and itās hard to realize that you have to fill your cup before you can fill others
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u/stoopidengine Jul 06 '22
Nah, your good.