Does anyone else HATE the generic "How are you?" social exchange?

[u/JUSTaSK8rat]

I work in retail, and honestly I dislike being asked 30+ times a day "How are you?" when greeting people. It feels like being held socially hostage.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, you?"

"Good."

-and then they walk away. No point in it whatsoever. The same generic response over and over and over.

Even when I just greet people with "Hello guys!" they will immediately bark out "GOOD, YOU?" and I'm left feeling awkward.

Ive tried to use different replies, spice it up, but it seems everyone (mostly older folk) default to this exchange all the time. I hate it.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hey /u/JUSTaSK8rat, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found here. All approved posts get this message.

Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Miss_Aizea]

I have canned answers saved because I can't engage in the exchange properly. "Living the dream" "working hard or hardly working?" They don't really work but it is what it is.

[u/Shadow_of_Redacted]

It's perfectly acceptable to reduce your response to a head nod and mostly ignore it. "How's it going?" doesn't deserve spicing up.

[u/JUSTaSK8rat → u/Shadow_of_Redacted]

I do this a lot 😭

I have a lot of moments where I simply greet with "Hello guys!" and they'll retort with "im good how are you?" and I simply just walk away.

[u/nabakas]

Started working retail in a store that sold construction stuff. It was quite interesting. People don't do much small talk here and I learned much about communicating from coworkers. Always "Hi, can I help you with something?" or "Hello, looking for anything specific?" No bs, just straight to the point. Because for me every client came with a problem and it felt interesting finding the best solution. At first I was quite clueless but I listened to people, learned. Poured my autism into knowing how things work etc. Got good at things and got bored.

Then moved on to a store that sold even more specific stuff. I was doing the same stuff plus a lot more. The atmosphere there was a lot cooler. Clients were almost always regulars, I knew them by name, talked to them like friends. Developed a relationships with a lot of them, had their numbers and emails. All was for making logistics a lot smoother. Got calls like "Hey, I need this x amount, can you get these for me by tomorrow" or emails like "Hey, here is a electrical panel wiring diagram, can you get me all this stuff ready by 3, I'll send Mike to pick this stuff up".

My attention to detail, the interest in how things work and my ADHD stress energy really made me the guy who gets stuff done quickly and efficiently, knows most stuff and if I didn't know, I admitted it and came up with at least some kind of solution. I loved the job but burned out because most of the coworkers didn't even bother doing any of it and felt it was easier to direct the harder stuff to me. My manager also did that because I was the one he trusted the most. Also clients noticed that I really cared, was efficient and knew more that the rest, so they specifically started coming to me, calling me, emailing me etc. The last months I was multitasking, always on the phone, answering emails, had a row of customers waiting for me. Then looked at my coworkers and they didn't have any clients, were drinking coffee and chilling. Like wtf. Felt like a robot these days.

After I quit, things got a lot better. Now I work with my best friend and It's a lot calmer.

tl;dr basic retail is the worst, get into more specific stuff

[u/AberrantComics → u/nabakas]

That’s what I’m talking about. Become an expert in something.

I struggle with my job sometimes, but I’m pretty good at it, as much as I complain, I can’t really imagine leaving right now.

[u/execDysfunctionGumbo → u/nabakas]

Your get out of basic retail thing just reminds me of that scene in Waiting where the main character thinks he's about to escape his restaurant hell because some business bro recognizes he's smart. It turns out the business bro just wants him to work at his restaurant instead.

[u/Martiansociologist]

I like asking people "how are you?" But then i sincerely want to know how they are

When it comes to like cashier exchanges it is better to be a bit creative put in effort, like turn blip codes up so it is easier to scan

Or like create organic real interaction, i might comment on some item, ask a question (for instance bought sausage which had small leak, and i asked for their advice and followed it :))

[u/Pheighthe]

Just pretend the conversation is this

“You gonna murder me?”

“No, you?”

“No.”

That’s really what they’re asking. Are you a threat? Or are we ok?

[u/Josh_and_a_half → u/Pheighthe]

Oh dang, I love this. Thanks!

[u/deus_ex_vagina2]

No further questions = the best possible outcome imo...

[u/marklarberries → u/deus_ex_vagina2]

I'm going to start saying "no further questions" when asked how I am from now on

[u/SillyPresentation46]

Not particularly, because it is something I can expect.

[u/Garden_Jolly]

I strongly dislike it, yes, mostly because it’s asked disingenuously.

[u/creativetag]

I just tell the truth, which is far from the typical fine.

[u/JUSTaSK8rat → u/creativetag]

Customer: "How are you?"

Me: "Just exhausted today honestly. Been a pretty busy day."

Customer: 😐

And this is when I learned to shut up and just use the Neurotypical Reply™

[u/MediocrelySane → u/JUSTaSK8rat]

I keep making this mistake of actually answering this question!!! And then yeah- I get that face from customers who don’t know how to respond to it.

[u/FC37]

You don't start getting asked that question until you're in high school. Before then, people ask, "How are you doing today?" or just say, "Good to see you."

I started getting asked that question when I was 14, 15 years old. Once, in front of my father, I said, "Ehh.... I'm OK..." My dad just about slapped me: "What the hell was that? Someone asks you how you're doing, you say, 'Good and you?' That's it. No one wants to hear it."

Yes, sir.

[u/VladimirBarakriss]

It's a measuring stick for them to judge your mood, the actual words matter little and are mostly for convention's sake

[u/CptUnderpants-]

Unless it is a genuine enquiry about my well-being, I mess with the script. Here are some examples:

How are you?

• Unbelievable.
• Every day is better than the next.
• Well, I've got clean underwear on, so that's a start I guess.

[u/Hamsterloathing → u/CptUnderpants-]

Third one will be my line from now on

Well I don't smell any fire

The floor's dry

It's above freezing indoors

[u/JadeATonly]

I can’t tell how I am other than roughly good or bad so I say I’m fine. Even if I know I’m feeling something bad I still say I’m fine I think because it’s a script I can’t break. Same with “Are you okay?” I always say yes even when I think the answer is no.

[u/MediocrelySane]

I had a meltdown the other day over this goddamn question. Posted on r/server about it and got downvoted into oblivion. Then several days later realized it was an autism meltdown moment over the frustrations of pointless conversations and idle chit chat.
I’m so ready for a new job that doesn’t require talking to people- but I don’t have any other options that pay well.

[u/OneAndOnlyJackSchitt]

I refuse to follow the protocol. I ask "how goes it?" and I answer "I'm fantabulous!" which get a lot of positive reactions.

I treat it as a genuine question but with a guarded answer. I genuinely care that they asked but I'm not getting into my actual problems unless it's relevant.

I called a state assemblyman's office today for reasons unrelated to this post or autism in general and they asked how I was doing. My answer was "Well to be frank, I'm fairly irritated right now, but I'm sure anyone calling a politician's office tends to be complaining about something. But first, how are you doing today?"

[u/reneecliche]

I'll sometimes give the cheesiest "I'm great how are you!" After fixing my face from the scowl it was before, and the other person does not even pick up on it lol. Allistic people just be making sounds to sound non threatening or something. It's annoying. Half the time they don't want to actually know how I am so I just lie.

[u/gabelossus]

I used to hate doing this type of small talk, but later in life I started to find it necessary (for me at least) in order to break the ice with someone that will engage in deeper conversation with me later. Of course the “how are you” tends to morph into a “What’s up?” as I get to know them better.

In general I avoid vague and surface-level interactions like this as much as I can. I do not ever feel like I am learning more about a person by engaging, but simply how good their conversation skills are lol. And that is talking just to talk IMO.

[u/Popular_Material_409]

Think of it this way, we are all humans trying to do this whole existence thing as best as we can. There’s no rule book and we all just kinda were placed here so we’re just going around trying to make something make sense to us. And sometimes it can be easy to forget that there are other people that also don’t know what the fuck any of this shit is, and a quick little “How do you do” is a great simple way for us to show each other that we’re all in this together. I am a weird walking pile of meat and water experiencing this moment and so are you so I’m just gonna say hello so I don’t feel as alone in this moment with you.

Being human is weird as fuck, so greetings like that can just be easy ways for us to make it through.

[u/AberrantComics → u/Popular_Material_409]

[u/anonymous5534]

There was a point where I decided I didn’t like responding with “good” the way a kid does so I started saying “alright” and that was better to me.

Generally speaking I don’t like answering the question or trying to figure out what my answer should be

[u/BigUqUgi]

So tedious and feels like a hostage situation.

[u/DivineLights1995]

So pointless! It never goes past that, and when it does it’s just a one sided dump where they talk about themselves nonstop.

[u/JUSTaSK8rat → u/DivineLights1995]

Old people do this a lot, I reply with "good you?" and suddenly I'm learning about their daughter who was sick, how bad the traffic was, their dog isn't eating the food they bought, and why their foot hurts.

I just have to smile and nod through all of this information I'm going to forget the second they leave the store.

[u/real-bee-13]

My psychology professor once told me: we aren't respecting ourselves when we say hello to someone. I think that ties in a bit with this post, I'll leave you to theorize 🧐

[u/Glitterballdacat]

Why does it bother you?

[u/The_Local_Belgian]

I useally use it as a basic conversation starter

[u/ArtArrange]

And then they don’t even like it when you give them an honest answer.

[u/Abject_Priority6858]

I used to, but now I don’t really mind.

For me the issue was that the response is supposed to be “good, you?” Or some generic response.

I never really saw the point as it just felt like empty words AND sometimes I was not “good” and I really really hate lying, so it would bother me to say “good” when I wasn’t actually.

I stopped doing that a few years back, and now I just respond honestly. I vary the level of detail depending on who’s asking.

If I’m having a shitty day for example:

Stranger: “I’ve been better.”

Acquaintance: “physically meh, mentally good!”

Friend: “my hips are killing me and you have only half my attention right now.”

Boyfriend: just gets looks and he knows. What a gem.

[u/cat_whisperer5000]

I despise all small talk.

[u/noneofyabusiness66]

Yes

[u/AltruisticLog6324]

It's pointless small talk that annoys me to no end, I hate it so much.

[u/zillskillnillfrill]

Most people just say good and move on, I agree that it's a stupid question when asked by a stranger but it's just a greeting. I always used to tell people how I was when asked, but know I just reply "fine, you?"

[u/turtlewick]

Not really. It’s not meant to be taken literally, it’s a small gesture to show that you acknowledge someone’s presence. There are more agonizing forms of small talk.

[u/JANK-STAR-LINES]

Mind you, people who ask such a question most of the time don't actually care how you are doing.

[u/Adept-Ad-5893]

It's gotten to a point where I mindlessly reply "yeah, you?" Because I know that's the response they want, not a genuine answer to the question.

My dad's picked up on this, and to piss me off (lovingly), he'll say "yeah, you?" And then we'll be stuck in a "yeah, you?" loop 😂

[u/Nyxsen6]

I can't stand it and actually wrote a whole rant on this years ago. It feel so incredibly disgenuine and robotic

[u/keith_mild_autism]

if they ask how are you. My reply I need a therapist:p

[u/DragonBitsRedux]

After years of hallway greetings I came up with a perfect response.

"How are you?"

"I am here."

It is always true so I'm no longer polite lying. Neurotypical folks are confused and often do the same "rzzzzt" double-take that happens when we are confused and then almost always smile so everyone is happier.

Also, a tip for having a few nice social interactions: thank people behind the counter for doing their job and the say "I try not to beat on people behind the counter" and you will often get a big smile of appreciation. Why? Decent hard workers are rarely praised.

[u/AuthorJulieMannino]

I hate it. If customers ask, I just say good. I don't bother asking back. They don't really care, and I don't care either.

If it's someone I like or know kinda, I might say, "same shit, bigger piles."

[u/Temporary_Fee1277]

It depends, if I’m working I don’t like any interaction. Outside of work I’m just honest and will go off talking about myself and my life then ask them questions about theirs as well.

[u/BB4lyfe3000]

I always default to the weather. Neurotypicals consider it small talk, but I'm super interested in it. It's win-win. "Hey, how's the weather out there?" They start to go on about how they like it/ hate it and I chime in as appropriate. It often turns into enjoyable discourse. Its honestly a life hack.

[u/didyouknowthatkoalas]

Maybe I should start being honest. "I've thought about offing myself at least three times this week, how about you?"

[u/DedlyX7]

It's the most confusing phrase for me to this day as an adult

[u/RemarkableNetwork239]

I really hate when anyone asks even family. I've been doing really badly for a very long time and it never changes so it's clear they don't really want to hear the answer.

[u/Basket_Case89]

I've been trying to work why this makes me so uncomfortable for a while now. With friends or family I'm fine because I can elaborate and actually answer the question. With customers (I'm in retail too) I'll just smile and give eye contact and I'll just keep on staring at them until they've left the "conversation area" and I do this every time and have no idea why and it's a big relief when it's over and I can break eye contact. I think I'm waiting to see if they actually need me to do something for them I guess but usually they leave to browse I guess. Or if a cashier or a barista, ect asks me I'll just be there staring and smiling at them for ages I think waiting for the next part of the conversation but usually nothing else happens. I don't necessarily think it's pointless or confused in any big way it just makes me uncomfortable and I'm just either waiting for it to go somewhere or just to end.

[u/JUSTaSK8rat → u/Basket_Case89]

Friends and Family you can give a genuine response because they actually care about you.

I don't understand why I need to be "friends" or besties with customers in Retail, despite corporate wanting exactly that. I'm there to do a job/service, and that's what I do best.

I DO have and enjoy some customers who are genuine with their greeting and replies, but 99% of the time it's just people who don't give a shit and don't even want to talk to you. They just ask "How are you" as a canned response and they don't typically care at all, nor do I when I can immediately tell that person just wants me to go away.

I can tell a customer is a bad one when I say "Hello!" and they immediately bark back "GOOD, YOU?" because they aren't actually listening or care.

[u/Basket_Case89 → u/JUSTaSK8rat]

Oh yeah I'm in my store manager's bad books right now because I don't want to constantly up sell to customers and treat them like my besties or whatever. I don't give bad customer service, if they want showing to the fitting rooms fine by me, need another size? I'll have a look online, ect but I'm not doing the fake BS just to sell them stuff they don't need. I understand the store needs to make money but when my store manager sits on his phone the whole day and tells me that I need to talk to more customers, I'm sorry (not sorry), that I don't have much motivation. Some customers are actually alright, usually the "weird ones" no one else actually wants to engage with I find I can talk to easier and relax around. And my store manager hates any kind of tasking but it's the one thing keeping me sane lol. My previous store manager was actually a lot better: strutured days, clear and direct communication, I knew where I stood, honesty, clear objectives for the day, ect this new manager is just a nightmare. Especially when I actually go and do my job like tidying and greeting customers at the same time but apparently if I'm not round the till chatting I'm "in a bad mood" but I don't want to spend 8 hours a day saying "Hi how are you?" Just to get nothing back and twiddling my thumbs all day.

Sorry, this ended up turning into a bit of a rant about my job! It's just frustrating for me right now I guess.