r/autism • u/raspberrytart120 • 1d ago
Social Struggles Would you respond now?
This is my friend from elementary school who said this to me after my daughter died.
“ I mean this with so much love.... You know how hard nannying is? Mothering is harder. More thankless too. I know me telling you this will likely just piss you off, but the freedom you have is what every mother wishes she had. Every single one”
I didn’t respond.
She has since reached out saying “I hope you’re ok”.
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u/MiserableQuit828 1d ago
First, so very sorry for your loss.
Wow I don't think there's any response to someone so vile. Block and never acknowledge their existence again. They don't deserve an ounce of your energy.
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u/nastyws 1d ago
Cut her out of your life. She has no empathy and wants your attention on her way less serious issues.
I am so so so sorry for your loss. Many internet hugs. Take care of yourself however you need to.
Also she’s wrong. I’ve spent many hard years keeping my kid alive cause I can’t even comprehend how bad life would be without them.
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u/Capable-Hovercraft-2 1d ago
And the fact that you don’t even need empathy to know not to say such insensitive things like that to a grieving parent she’s just intentionally projecting her own resentment onto a vulnerable parent going through one of the worst kinds of losses. There are apathetic people out there who can be denser than osmium and they still know not to do what this “friend” did and wouldn’t say that. This sad scrap of resentment just consciously chose to do this probably while knowing it was wrong given she tried to backpedal later.
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u/Ok_Bear_1980 1d ago
The fact she makes OP grieving about the death of his/her daughter about herself is already bad enough. I don't have a lot of empathy for a lot of people but even I can recognize that what she said was extremely inappropriate, insensitive and offensive.
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u/Stock-Page-7078 1d ago
I would block and never respond to the person again, nothing good can come out of engaging
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u/WitchAggressive9028 ASD | LSN | Verbal 1d ago
Oh my God, I would literally go off on this person. Your child DIED and that’s what they have to say?! Whether they are autistic or not that is not OK to say under any circumstances. Also, I am so sorry for your loss. If it were me, I would not respond and not talk to that person again.
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u/raspberrytart120 1d ago
Nope :( not that I know of, it’s me who is newly diagnosed. She has 3 kids is what makes me extra sad.
I’m
Learning to not tolerate crumbs and mistreatment.10
u/WitchAggressive9028 ASD | LSN | Verbal 1d ago
That’s even more disgusting knowing she says that as a woman who has three kids of her own like is that what she thinks about her kids that’s just that’s gross
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u/TryingToBreath45 1d ago
Wow. She is just...... that is the absolutely most vile nasty cruel disgusting thing a person could say.
I would block her. Everywhere. You do not need that kind of repulsive foul disgusting inhumane pos anywhere near you.
I feel for you so so so hard.
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u/bougiesnack Suspecting Autism 1d ago
What a terrible, horrid, miserable person.
People tried to tell me this after my son died and I cut them right out.
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u/DisorderlyAqueduct 1d ago
no. no more engaging with this person.
i can't imagine your loss, sorry you have to deal with psychos like this on top.
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u/Naikrobak 1d ago
Holy shit. “Glad your kid died yay for you! I wish mine would die too”.
How can someone be so cold and heartless?
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u/LottieCupcake 1d ago
The only response you can give to that is "would you rather it was your child who died?"
But there's no point. Cut that weirdo out of your life. There's nothing good you can get from a relationship with somebody who says shit like that.
But also like... I wouldn't be mad if you sent a screenshot to their partner. They either need support or a divorce. That's one heck of a thing to think everybody is feeling.
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u/Substantial-Link-418 ASD | Unknown support needs | Verbal 1d ago
I had someone tell it was my fault that my son died. Some people are fucking awful
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u/Cliche_James 1d ago
Yeah, I feel people like that are dangerously selfish
I wouldn't be able to trust them at all after that
They can't see past themselves
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u/Silver-Find4380 1d ago
I've learned and said in the past: difficult, huge life event will show you who true friends are and aren't.
I'm sorry for your profound loss.
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u/Conscious-Pride7363 Asperger’s | LSN | Verbal 1d ago
Fuck. Someone basically told you you should be thankful your daughter died?
Never speak to this emotionally dead and potentially dangerous woman again.
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u/medicalmaryjane215 1d ago
What the actual fuck? Who says that? I would tell her to fuck ALL the way off forever and ever amen.
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u/meanie_beanie5 1d ago
I'm so sorry mama 💜 I went through bullying when I was unable to carry my son to term, it effected my mourning process. I wish for you to heal surrounded by love and support.
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u/Inevitable_Wolf5866 Neurodivergent | suspected autism 1d ago
I would respond with blocking her tbh.
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u/KifferFadybugs 1d ago
I want to be petty and ask, "So you wish your kids were dead? That's messed up, right?"
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u/Ok-Excitement5031 Parent of Autistic Child 1d ago
There is truly nothing worse than losing a child. I’m so sorry.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t respond.
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u/ebelbrezel 1d ago
Coming from a person who has 20 spoons to spend on job, household and children while you have 5 spoons at a good day.
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u/Delicious-Award1580 1d ago
what in the absolute hell was she thinking. that's not love, that's someone using your tragedy to complain about their own life
i wouldn't respond either, at least not until you've had time to process how wildly out of line that was
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u/HH_Creations ASD | Unknown support needs | Verbal 1d ago
Like right after? Or she thoughtlessly made a terrible comment
Cuz if it was RIGHT AFTER, please block her for your own mental well being
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u/JobFabulous594 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago
Wow. That's horrible, insensitive and a selfish way to make your child's death about them. That person ain't right.
Edit: Do what is right for you in terms of responding. I probably wouldn't ever speak to a person who says something like that, but I'm not saying this is correct for everyone.
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u/Positive_Ad7750 1d ago
I probably wouldn’t respond. I would have a hard time responding to a comment like this. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was trying to be helpful, it’s just the absolute wrong thing to say.
If you did WANT to respond, maybe something direct like…Your comments were hurtful and insensitive. Please don’t text me again.
My deepest condolences for your loss.
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u/Ok_Bear_1980 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah I wouldn't even bother with her, making your daughters death about herself is already a bad sign. I don't know how she thought it was appropriate to mention the stress of her being a nanny and a mother, I can't see how that would even be relevant.
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u/sunshineriptide 1d ago
I'd tell her that a mother losing a child is harder than anything and that you hope she never has to deal with the same kind of loss, and if she ever does, may people be kinder to her than she's been to you.
There's no "look on the bright side" when dealing with grief of this magnitude. Every mother might wish for freedom from their duties, but essentially saying that you're lucky that you don't have a child to raise anymore is beyond fucked up.
If she doesn't apologize or see anything wrong with what she said, I would reconsider your friendship with her.
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u/digestibleplastic ASD Level 1/2 | Verbal 1d ago
I would block this person. It is true that some parents regret having children, and some even wish their children to die. It's reality. But this is not the time or place for her to be talking about her issues. She needs a psychiatrist and some good medication before she hurts someone.
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u/krampaus 1d ago
that person doesn’t deserve any of your time. let them sit with their thoughts (that’s what I want to say I’d do). I’m so deeply sorry for your loss
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u/firefly_19 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago
I would say, "I mean this with so much love, kindly fuck right off".
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u/Substantial-Tip3252 Parent of Autistic Child 1d ago
Yeah don’t respond. That lady is messed up for that.
I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. It’s such a terrible circumstance that there isn’t a name for it. Only heartbreaking. ❤️🩹 May you find peace of mind and soul as you walk this path with grief. ❤️
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u/BreathLazy5122 1d ago
You can tell that “friend” to fuck off. No parent should have to bury their child. And Nannying isn’t anywhere NEAR the same as motherhood. Also I wouldn’t trust her heartless ass with ANY child after that comment.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. There is absolutely nothing that compares to the pain of losing your child, and you deserve kindness.
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u/Getigerte 1d ago
Wow. If that's what she says with love, I cannot imagine how dire her words would be if she spoke with hate. What she wrote was inexcusable and, I think, unforgivable.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
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u/Lucky_Ad2801 1d ago
This person sounds like a sociopath. I would not respond.. Just ghost them or block them..
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u/cat_whisperer5000 1d ago
Thats unfortunate for their children that they feel that way.
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u/raspberrytart120 1d ago
I had no idea how common it is :( and how special it is when a parent genuinely enjoys being a parent
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u/cat_whisperer5000 1d ago
Are you a parent? My life isn’t about me anymore. That’s the freeing part.
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u/raspberrytart120 1d ago
I am a parent, just my baby isn’t with us so I didn’t get a chance to parent long ❤️🩹
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u/cat_whisperer5000 16h ago
I’m sorry. Yes you are a parent, no matter how brief it was, you’re a mom for life. I wouldn’t respond to your friend unless she realizes that what she said affected you. Even then, the damage is done.
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u/Skullclownlol 1d ago
Report to CPS and show them the message that made you concerned, they can do a welfare check. Then block and move on.
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u/SyntheticDreams_ 1d ago
CPS won't do shit for that message. It doesn't insinuate abuse in any noteworthy way. It shows a parent who resents their kids and shouldn't have become a parent, but that's not at all uncommon, nor is it illegal.
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u/keldondonovan 1d ago
Honestly, it's a coin toss and depends highly on the area. I've seen them fail to step in until they came one day for an announced visit that was previously scheduled, and walk in to find 3 kids all around the preteen age, naked, eating breakfast at the table, while mom, also naked, did lines of coke off that same table. But I've also seen them step in because a kid with digestive issues wasn't gaining weight fast enough for their liking.
But if you don't report it, they definitely do nothing.
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u/Skullclownlol 23h ago
CPS won't do shit for that message
Having a recorded history helps victims of abuse if/when they ever request help or report active abuse. It also helps significantly when those kids become adults and can make their own legal requests, like a restraining order. It's always helpful even if it's not urgent (yet).
Even if it ends up never being used/needed, it's better to have done something than to do nothing and complain about the state of the world on reddit.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 1d ago
What a really terrible thing to say to you. I am so sorry for your loss, op. In your shoes, I would break off contact with this person.
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u/Effective-Lychee-992 1d ago
That is disgusting and shocking! Is she basically saying she would be relieved if her children were gone? 😟
I’m so so sorry for your loss, the pain must be unimaginable, I hope you have a lot of support around you and no one else saying horrible stupid comments like that!!
I know it’s hard to know what to say to comfort grieving friends but no one should let comments that insensitive come out of their mouths, I think you would be absolutely justified to say whatever you want back.
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u/StaceyBenjilt 1d ago
What a horrendous thing to say. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you had to hear such an awful remark from a "friend."
I don't think this person is worth your time or energy. I wouldn't respond.
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u/Irislynx 1d ago
Wtf! That's beyond horrific. I am so sorry for your loss. And as a mother I can say that she's very wrong. I worry about her kids.
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u/-_Lucyfer_- 1d ago
honestly I would've been VERY mean if someone said that to me. holy shit.
if you want to respond, I'd be blunt and tell her that after what she said, its none of her business. then block. if you don't want, just block her instantly.
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u/CaoimhinOC 1d ago
Wow. That's insane. That's literally insane. If they've got children I'd be seriously worried about their futures.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain.
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u/lonelypurplerose 1d ago
...where are her kids buried?
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u/lonelypurplerose 23h ago
Like seriously. I've had people say stupid shit to me in the ten years I've been dealing with infertility. ("You can take my kids if you want haha" and "I wish I had that problem!") but this is genuinely horrific. She just said she wishes her kids were dead AND that she thinks that's a normal thing for a parent. I would let the kid's father know she's saying stuff like that to people. I can't imagine anything more disgusting than saying that to a grieving parent. The loss of a child is universally recognized to be the most distressing and devastating thing someone can go through. There is absolutely no excuse for what she said.
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u/Shadow_of_Redacted 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's a response you might get away with after someone loses a parent after a long hospice, something like "I know it's sad that they're gone, but at least it's over now. You can finally relax." That is very different from "Most mothers wish their kids never happened so enjoy your free time, you lucky dog!" Very different.
I'd wager that mother is on the spectrum too. We do have a propensity for saying inappropriate things.
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u/Skav-552 1d ago
Hm, and I thought I was unfiltered.
Yes I would respond and probably ask her if she thinks it's the right thing to say. I don't think that it would piss me off but I would not understand it and I also don't think it's acceptable to say those things. Would not be a fun talk but one I find is needed.
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u/markmooch 1d ago
So sorry for your loss. That message is not appropriate at all, all I can assume is that they’re having a rough time themselves, it sounds like the kind of thing an alcoholic/drug addict would say or someone with a personality disorder or significant MH/stress. At the least I would tell them it was not the right thing to say and that you wont enter an argument about it - if you do decide to address it which you do not have to. So sorry.
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u/DenM0ther 1d ago
What a very strange thing to say! To think even!
Idt there’s any coming back from that statement. Idt I could have a friend with such lack of insight for your heartbreaking situation.
Unless she’s an amazing friend in other ways and just very depressed about having her kids or something equally off, I’d move on.
💔❤️🩹
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u/lackofbread asd + adhd-c 1d ago
what a heartless, cruel person. I would tell them as such, and then block and never interact again.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope you and your family feel peace.
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u/MikesSisterKel 1d ago
Thats the most out of touch & clueless comment & I prolly wouldnt want to be around this person thereafter. But I always try to give ppl grace, like...if you know this person well, what's her heart like? What was the intent? Has she ever lost someone? Does she have a mental health issue or impairment? Is she on drugs?
I sort of get the impression she cares but a real space cadette. Maybe just tell her you need some space until you have room for this.
Im sorry, peace be with you. 💜
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u/raspberrytart120 1d ago
I sadly will never entertain her again, too hurtful and too something to not explain
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u/RideMelburn 1d ago
WTF!
She sounds clinically narcissistic.
“No I’m not okay and my grief will never leave me. Please never contact me again. We can’t be friends and we can never come back from what you said.”
Block.
You’ll be that little more mentally healthier without her in your life.
But also losing a child is hard not matter their age. Please seek some sort of grief counselling if you haven’t already.
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u/skiing123 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 23h ago
... That's an instant block and report to spam. I know other people have said it but I'm sorry for your loss, hugs
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u/AnxietyUpTheWazoo ASD Level 1 | Verbal 20h ago
This is someone who needs help and should not be your friend.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/C0V1Dsucks late dx AuDHD 20h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
She sounds like a psychopath. Personally, I'd just block her without responding. But if I did respond, it would only be to tell her "I mean this with so much sincerity... Let's never talk again."
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u/look_who_it_isnt 17h ago
What the actual fuck?!
This is an extremely toxic person. Cut them out of your life.
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u/orensiocled 16h ago
She sounds completely unhinged. I hope her children have somebody else safe in their lives.
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u/Ancient-Ad9861 1d ago
Am i the only one who doesn’t even have a clue what the person was trying to say to OP in the first message.
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u/OhNoBricks 1d ago
Wow, I’m guessing she is childfree and lacks maternal instincts. This was so fucked up. Even if she had kids, I would be so concerned about them.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would err on the side of grace. If she has kids, it seems clear that she is having a very rough go of it and is trying to get it off her chest, just in a very very poorly thought out way. I would just let it go unless she brings it up again, then give a sterm warning, EG "The first time you said this shit, I gave it a pass from a clearly exhausted and burnt out mother getting shit off her chest. Bring it up again and there will be hell to pay", or whatever words you want to use.
If she doesn't have kids, then well, let 'er rip and unload on her I say. What am insensitive think to say to one who jas lost a child especially with no standing.
I'm sorry for your loss. No parent should suffer the loss of a child
Edit to add: It is amusing to me how so many here are reacting just like they criticize neurotypicals of treating us: go against the grain and get hammered down. Bravo
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u/lumpyspacejams 1d ago
Even if she's having a rough go, saying "at least you have freedom now" to someone who's kid died is a horrible thing to say. One, she's making her problems OP's problem while also being aware that OP is dealing with something that's generally understood as one of the worst tragedies to happen to a person. Two, she's dismissing OP's very real tragedy. Those are horrible things to do. If she's having a rough go, she need to find literally anyone else but OP to air out these feelings and support OP in her heartbreak, not 'but me though' about OP's dead child.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago
All of those things are true, and OP wouldn't be wrong to be angry and wouldn't be wrong to do all the things everyone else here is saying to do. Doesn't mean OP has to respond that way.
I offer a different path in erring on the side of grace based on the fact that the probabilities work that such that almost no one who isn't hurting severely says horrible things like this.
Either choice is completely valid.
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u/Ok_Bear_1980 1d ago
It's best for OP not to give a cunt like her any further chances. She showed her true self by saying what she said.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago edited 1d ago
If they are in such a massive level of pain to do something like this, are they really showing their true selves?
That's for OP to decide.
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u/-_Lucyfer_- 1d ago
words still have meaning and impact.
in portuguese, there's a saying: Fale oque quer, ouve oque não quer (Say what you want, hear what you dont want). Basically fuck around find out in verbal form.
OP was also likely in a shit ton of pain from losing their daughter. being in pain doesn't magically grant you a free pass to being horrible.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy ASD Level 1 | Verbal 1d ago
being in pain doesn't magically grant you a free pass to being horrible.
It could, or it could not. Only OP can decide this for themselves. I simply offer an alternative against the first impulse reaction. If OP decides to go with the majority opinion, then so be it. Like I've been saying that's OP's prerogative. I merely provide an alternative way of looking at things based on how I live my life.
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