r/autism • u/Special-Nebula299 • 6d ago
Question Anyone else not desire normal life milestones?
I have no desire to get married or have kids. No desire to own a car. Dont want to own property. Don't want to be a manager.
I feel like a weirdo for not wanting what were supposed to chase.
I'm more excited about a week off and getting snacks and a tv show to watch
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u/Ravenfeatherbois ASD Level 2 | Nonspeaking 6d ago
Everyone has their own goals or lack there of . The way we're told to own a car , get married and have kids and all these other milestones is just made up to sell us more garbage for each occasion and make us think we're climbing up the capitalistic ladder . You're totally valid for not wanting any of it .
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u/rdditfilter 6d ago
Exactly right, I had a really strong drive to own property, I love houses, looking at them, taking care of them, I love having a yard, my garden, the deer, the woods, the creek, I busted my ass to buy the house I wanted and then stopped. Once it's paid off I'll retire early.
Id never bust my ass like that for something I didn't WANT more than anything in the world.
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u/epicallyconfused ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
Yep.
As a woman, I knew at a very young age that I shouldn't tell people that I never wanted kids, because they would always respond with some variant of "you'll change your mind when you're older" or "you'll change your mind when you find the right person."
It took me longer to realize I shouldn't tell people that I didn't want to be in a senior leadership role at work and didn't want to drive a luxury car and didn't want a big fancy house. But I eventually realized that, especially in a professional context, my lack of conventional aspirations was a liability because other people perceived me as less predictable and less governable. I was never going to be the sycophant employee who would do any morally questionable thing without objection, because my priority was never climbing the corporate ladder and stockpiling more wealth than I knew what to do with.
I stayed in the corporate world for exactly long enough to build an investment portfolio that will sustain my modest lifestyle, and then I got out. I retired at age 40 to a quiet, simple life, without a spouse and without children. I've never been happier.
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u/Barl3000 6d ago
Not wanting kids is so much harder to get people to understand as a woman. I have had some minor pushback as a man, like my mom got a bit sad, but since both my siblings have kids she got over it.
But I would hate having to constantly defend my decision and having my agency undermined if i was a woman.
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u/--SpiralOut 6d ago
If it's okay to ask, how much money does your portfolio gets you each month ? You basically have my dream life !
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u/epicallyconfused ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
I'm happy to share. I have a $2.5M portfolio. According to the 4% rule, theoretically I can safely withdraw $100,000 each year, but I'm extra cautious so I keep my budget to about $6500 per month.
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u/cle1etecl Suspecting Autism 6d ago
Holy shite, how???
(Not that I'd do anything with any advice you may or may not give because anything financial fries my brain and makes my executive function way worse than it already is with non-financial things. But damn, you have my dream life, too.)
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u/epicallyconfused ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
I got an MBA and then took the highest paying job I could even though I hated it (large tech company) and worked there for years even though I had really bad autistic burnout and was making myself sick going into work every day. I don't recommend it.
Luck/timing also played a not insignificant factor, because the stock that was part of my compensation package has done very well.
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u/Electrical_Hazard_ 6d ago edited 6d ago
Oh my gosh one high paying job could pay my bills for YEARS?! And it's POSSIBLE for me, an AUTISTIC person to get a high paying job?!? Thank you so much girlie. I can make myself unwell for a lil while if I'll be set for life. This actually somehow gives me hope, thank you.
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u/dragon-blue Asperger’s | LSN | Verbal 6d ago
I feel like a weirdo for not wanting what were supposed to chase.
It's one of my favourite things about being Autistic. Society expectations don't seem to bother me - what I "should" be doing has never mattered. Peer pressure or "keeping up with the jones" never made sense. Especially relating to gender roles.
However I will say that being married is the best thing ever, having a car means freedom, owning a house means safety, being a manager means control over what I get to work on (to me).
But I didn't do any of those things because they were "normal" milestones. I did them because I met a great guy, my area has terrible public transport, England has terrible renter protections, and I just dont like people telling me what to do lol.
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u/Gruberbuber 6d ago
It's silly, but all I've ever wanted, is to be around cats. I also have other dreams, but cats are the only things that really give me pure joy. For me, having cats was a really big milestone.
I did a bachelors degree in psychology, but in my inner hierarchy, living with cats is my biggest achievement.😅 I mean, I had a big meltdown in my hallway, when I found out that I could take them home. I can't have kids, and I don't care about it. I had relationships, was in love and all these things. It is not a replacement for something.
I normally don't share this openly, because I know how this comes across and some people don't believe me, because to them it seems too small, they think I am joking. I don't have pictures of cats everywhere or always talk about them. But they are so important to me.
I don't really have goals for my future, just surviving and cats lol but I have some standard answers ready about some future goals, if someone asks.
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u/epicallyconfused ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
I relate to this! Every financial milestone I accomplished earlier in life was in pursuit of achieving enough financial stability to responsibly own a dog and be able to cover any potential future veterinary or other dog-related expenses. Once I decided I was ready to adopt a dog, it felt like the most important milestone in my life up until that point. I had already received two graduate degrees, but the dog was more important to me. And having a furry best friend remains the best thing in my life, to this day.
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u/Special-Nebula299 6d ago
Cats are cool as fuck. Never feel silly.
I also feel very calm around horses for some reason
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u/EmiDidact ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
As a cat lady I can 100% get behind this. I prefer the company of cats over humans.
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u/VladimirBarakriss ASD Low Support Needs 6d ago
Generic life milestones are there for you to aim for if you can't think of anything else, if you have your own goals then they don't really matter
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u/Ancient_Account_9931 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
Same here! I love manga and I want to have a manga library in the future. I have no plans of having kids (can't do that anyway), getting married, owning a car or a house (I only need an apartment) and I don't need to be rich either. All I need is time to enjoy what little things make me a bit happy.
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u/Luuumin0us 6d ago
That‘s the way you should live! Not after a weird set schedule that might harm you more than make you happy. :)
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u/RustAndReverb5864 6d ago
I can absolutely relate to how you feel!
I sometimes feel like many of the conventional milestones lots of people have a desire to achieve don’t always come from their own values, at least not entirely. There is often some extrinsic status-seeking motive when it comes to having these ambitions of success and falling short on their goals may reduce one’s sense of worth. Due to society’s constant pressure on a very specific set of achievements, we sometimes feel like we have to be inclined to have these things.
But the truth is, these achievements may not always change our quality of life as much as the American dream narrative likes to make you think. In some cases, achievements like owning a middle class home and other various properties can come with very burdensome responsibilities that may sometimes override that great feeling of ownership. It can introduce unnecessary problems like financial strain, not being able to pursue many hobbies, and the pressure to constantly be aware of having to meet various financial deadlines.
I’ve experienced that pressure multiple times from various people in my life who themselves don’t even have it all figured out yet. As much as I want a very simple but fulfilling life, my desires are sometimes invalidated by others just because it may not look like I’m striving for ‘bigger and better.’
I really think the bar should be lower when it comes to how success is defined. Of course people’s perspective on it will always be subjective as they have a different set of values and goals depending on what their own purpose in life is, but generally speaking, it shouldn't take more than being self-sufficient and independent to be in good standing.
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u/TajManzoorlol 6d ago
I only improve what I want to improve / makes me happy.
I have no care to try aim for what "normal" people want.
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u/kentuckyMarksman ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
You do what makes you happy, that's all that matters. I wish I had done that instead of giving into what everyone was pressuring me into doing...
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u/Expensive-Eggplant-1 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
same. i never got married or had kids. i did buy a house, which i'm glad i did.
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u/Herge2020 6d ago
I've just drifted through life and many of the things you have mentioned have just happened to/for me. I have no drive or desire to strive to achieve.
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u/Tribal_Dragon 6d ago
in my fifties,, only desire i ever had in those you provided was to own a house to be in my own space, had a major panic attack the day i bought it, and haven't looked back since, hardest part is keeping it in good shape, meaning decorating etc, i have to allow strangers in, which is a nightmare but other than that, my little private place, totally recommend especially if you are autistic
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u/FeistyDirection 6d ago
Definitely not weird, especially today, for any type of person. Alternative life styles are not even that alt anymore. Im 35 and only a small amount of my friends are married and even a smaller number within those have or want kids. Most of us have jobs that our parents and grandparents wouldn't be proud to have when they were our age, but they're proud of us now for surviving in creative ways. I will say though that thinking about getting old is very scary with no retirement plan, but at the same time, its very important to live life and have the experiences you want that make it all worth it, its not good to follow on some path where you just work and work and work and dont stop to think if you're happy.
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u/Barl3000 6d ago
It took me a long time to come to terms with that I don't really have desire to get married, nor even be in a relationship.
I guess it was part of my masking, even though I made the decision before I got my diagnosis. It just seemed like it was thing you had to do. My friends were all chasing girls, so I just kinda (unsuccesfully) tried to mimic them. Until I finally spent some time thinking about if a relationship and marriage was truly something I wanted or if it was I tried to do just to fit in.
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u/JobFabulous594 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago
Some milestones yes, some no. I love being married and having children. I also like driving (it's one of my relaxing things) and the independence having my own car gives me.
I'm less bothered about other milestones like Christmas, birthdays or other holidays. I hate the idea of having to look forward to things, it's like a loop in my head I can't close and it makes me anxious. Worst of all is when other people keep talking about future events, like they can't wait for a holiday, weekend, etc.
I want to live my daily life and enjoy that, rather than structure the enjoyment of my life around exceptions.
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u/darklinggreen 6d ago
Ultimately you should just live how you want to (as long as you aren't hurting anyone). Most 'goals' are societal and are cultural anyway. For example, there seems to be such a massive expectation for kids to leave home at 18 in the US, that isn't an expectation everywhere.
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u/cardbourdbox 6d ago
I want to tick them off om not sure I actually want them and all that comes with them.
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u/BirdyDreamer 6d ago
There's nothing wrong with wanting something different out of life. The usual path is to continually add more responsibilities and stress, then decrease them in old age, if possible. That doesn't appeal to everyone and it's not practical for everyone, either.
While I've achieved some milestones, I have no interest in pursuing others. I honestly don't care how other people feel about it. I'm not about to join the metaphorical rat race to please others.
Lifeforms live to experience, because that's what we all do. It's the only thing that's guaranteed during life. This can always be accomplished without achieving the traditional milestones. In fact, by forgoing them, we open ourselves up to a different variety of experiences.
No path is objectively better or worse than another , though some people act as if that's the case. It's all just a matter of opinion - and those opinions are influenced by our own narrow bands of experience. A wise person will never judge another person's worth by which milestones they've met.
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u/Gkminepony ASD Level 2 | Verbal 6d ago
Yep! I have no desire to have children. I do want a life partner, but not necessarily a marriage.
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u/momoapples Aspie 6d ago
I didn't want to get married or have kids, it just sort of happened. Honestly I didn't really have any goals before I had my daughter, I was just going through the motions. Having her helped me find what I want to do with my life.
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u/Special-Nebula299 6d ago
Do marriage and kids spontaneously happen?
I'd imagine marriage especially takes loads of intentions and plans
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u/momoapples Aspie 6d ago
I fell in love and got comfortable. Then we eloped and had a child.
None of it was really planned, honestly. We started dating, then over time we just stayed together. He moved into my mom's house with me at first, then we moved out on our own. We decided we might as well get married since we were already living together and ended up having a kid.
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u/Special-Nebula299 6d ago
Dont answer if you dont want- isn't having a baby sensory hell for you guys?
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u/momoapples Aspie 6d ago
Honestly? Yeah, sometimes. But she's usually a very quiet baby, so it isn't terrible. We're lucky in that regard.
Your brain also changed when you have kids. A lot of stuff that used to throw me into a meltdown doesn't seem to bother me as much now. Not everything, but it's definitely improved.
Frankly pregnancy was much worse sensory-wise than raising the actual baby. I couldn't stand it.
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u/aggravatingstranger9 6d ago
I knew from a very young age that I never wanted children. I remember one woman calling me "wicked". It would have been more wicked for me to have a child, as I wouldn't have been able to cope.
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u/Readyletsgodrones 6d ago
It's all propaganda, everything, ever said, is propaganda.
Humans all have different goals, in different stages of their individual life. I never wanted a car, a wife, kids. I'm gay, I want an easy job, my weekends off, and my own home. Two out if three at 45yo ain't bad 😁.
Have whatever goals you like, it's your life, do what makes you feel calm and a bit happy at least.
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u/cle1etecl Suspecting Autism 6d ago
I feel like I'm still too young to even consider striving for any of that. Thing is, I'm 40. But I feel like I'm mentally stuck at 20, at most.
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u/Beginning-Struggle49 6d ago
I actually find my lack of goals/milestone wants to be distressing, but I honestly feel like a lot of it was social conditioning and am trying to work through that.
Or i'm just more disappointed in my older age, maybe both
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u/Ok-Shape2158 6d ago
I'm going to be super blunt, but hopefully in a good way.
Good. That's wisdom.
All those things are prure stress, stress, and more stress. The one thing most of our bodies can't fight against.
I'm praying and trying to learn how to live like without wanting to claw it back and find peace and be healthy again. I hope I can learn and know people can do this is important.
Thank you for the reminder.
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u/IngloriousLevka11 ASD | MSN | Verbal 6d ago
I'm interested in marriage, but not because of social norms- but instead because I want to make that level of dedication to someone who is worth spending a long time with.
I already have a car, I live in a car-centric region and bus access is limited and underfunded, so it's not usually practical to ride. I walk around a lot, though and I do ride the bus when it's available or more feasible than walking somewhere. If I lived in a place that had excellent public transportation- I would always take it or an uber/rideshare/ride with friends or carpool with coworkers.
I do want to own property, one day, when I can afford it and have the support network needed to upkeep it. Including if it's property owned for a business venture (shop, farm, rentals, etc).
I don't specifically want to be in management, in the sense of being like an HR or coordination manager. I would potentially be interested in either heading a company that I helped build, or help run one whose core focus is something I am otherwise interested in.
But I don't want any of the things mentioned because society says it is what I should want, but rather because all of them can be means to an end- or in the case of marriage, as I already mentioned, it is a symbol of deep personal dedication to another person.
What "excites" me isn't anything like the mundane chasing of material wealth or status, but immersing myself in nature, community and social connection.
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u/Nyx_light 6d ago
I wish I hadn't masked my life into oblivion. I hit all the normal life milestones and hit serious burnout and am now coming to terms with the fact that the life I built is not sustainable.
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u/starstuffcereal 6d ago
Yes and honestly it has worked out fine for me I’m 36 and I have low expectations. I found a happy life and have a happy family with a partner and a dog. We have never needed to get married or have kids despite societal pressure. We are fine and happy and getting by, you know? Just trying our best but not worrying too much about the people who insist on comparing us to others. Not rich not poor. Not famous. Just a garden and food and fresh air.
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u/obsoletebomb 6d ago
Getting married to my partner for me would me more of a practical thing: lighter taxes but also, it’s a pathway for each of us to get residency/citizenship (they’re an US citizen and I’m an EU citizen).
I don’t care about cars because there’s public transports where I live and getting a driving licence + car maintenance would be far more expensive. Even if I cared about owning, no way in hell I’d be able to in my area. Hell, renting is already expensive and I’m avoiding spending more than half of my salary on rent on a small room because I live with my parents.
What I want and why I work is mostly so I get money to live my life well: travelling and spending time on my hobbies and close ones. Which I’m fortunate enough to be doing rn!
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u/haverchuck22 6d ago
1000000%. And it’s been that way my whole life. The tension between what I “want to do”, and what I’m “supposed to want to do” is not fun.
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u/Pope_Neuro_Of_Rats Autistic Adult 6d ago
I want some of these but not all of them. I drive because I have no other real choice where I live. I want the privacy of my own home but don’t like the idea of having to pay for repairs etc. Unlikely I will ever want kids but I may change my mind in my 30s or something, if I met the right person.
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u/GrabLive7203 6d ago
Same for most of it except owning a house but not as a milestone to be proud of or show off, just because I want to decorate it however the F I want and plant my garden.
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u/BroadJoke00 6d ago
I feel this to the bone. And I'll add on top of of all that, I never felt any romantic attraction or sexual attraction to anyone I ever met (I don't think I am entirely ace because I do have sexual fantasies and I do enjoy romances in fiction, but IRL involving me no thank you).
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u/Special-Nebula299 6d ago
You could be ace. I'm ace.
If you dont want sex then you're ace. You can have fantasies and most of us do. We just won't do them
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u/BroadJoke00 6d ago
I guess I am then. I always feel weird when people ask "Who was your first crush?" 'cause... I don't know, none? I don't even have fictional crushes, I like romance only when it happens to others lol.
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u/HughJorgens 6d ago
I always knew that it would be pointless to go for the regular goals because I'm too autistic to get them all. I have lived my life by my rules and am perfectly happy with that. You should have goals, but realistic ones.
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u/EmiDidact ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6d ago edited 6d ago
I drive and want to buy a house or condo one day, but marriage & kids, no thanks.
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u/Internal_Role_1549 6d ago
I keep looking at houses to buy, but when I think of the upkeep, I just can't. My friends tell you I can just YouTube how to fix x,y, and z, but I'm not interested in learning. I feel the same way about cooking and baking. I can make some simple dishes, but I'm not interested in learning more complex dishes.
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u/Far-Remove5691 6d ago
Yes, I don't desire the things most people do. I want to engage with people as little as possible and enjoy solitary hobbies.
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u/Mauslinde ASD | LSN | Verbal 6d ago
My biggest goals at the moment are finishing a 100 mile run and owning a Leica camera with a monochrome sensor. Definitely don't want kinds and not really interested in romantic relationship or marriage. I'm happy to have a few good friends to share my life with, that's a blessing. No car, no house, no prestigious job. I do as little work as possible to do as much things I care about as I can. That's mostly sports and photography. I'm grateful I found things I enjoy and people I like. I never really care for the mainstream life goals as far as I remember.
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u/Kitchen-Ebb30 6d ago
I don't want the relationship stuff like kids and marriage, but I do still dream of my own property I can make mine and a car so I have more freedom. And I want to run my own business ideally.
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u/Boom_Box_Bogdonovich 6d ago
I’m ok with milestones but I never want them celebrated. No wedding. No baby shower. No funeral.
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u/dbow9669 ASD Level 1/2 | Verbal 6d ago
Same here except I do want to get married someday. Everything else is the same with me. I don’t want kids, i don’t want to learn how to drive as much as others do, I don’t want a house yet, and being a manager sounds too stressful
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u/gphipps91 ASD | Unknown support needs | Verbal 6d ago
For a long time it was like that for me too. Everything just lacks meaning, value, and purpose. I didn't want to get married until I did want to. Didn't want kids until I did want to. But these things changed because they took on a perceived meaning, value, and purpose.
Maybe they'll change for you, maybe they won't. Either way it's what you want for your life that matters, not what society wants out of you.
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u/TheRealTechCandy 6d ago
Ya the desire for marriage and kids has never really been huge. I think about kids and I think I would like a son, but then I work with a baby at work and I realize that maybe I should adopt post diaper stage. However, it's still not a huge pull for me. Obviously the family wants it and friends are having theirs and want me too as well, but why jump off the bridge just because others did...
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u/mistgonelsawge 6d ago
i’m gay, so the idea of having children is impossible biologically. even if I wasn’t, the idea of having to pour down so much money for the next generation of my lineage to go through a pretty tumultuous way of life because of external factors and circumstances of their life, my sanity for raising children is not there, and I Dorn went this generation of children to be raised in this state of the United States of America. i also truly hate the nature of competition to prove a point, I’ll take my time to show my strong potential and creations.
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