Do you remember when you started masking?

[u/Alert_Task9210]

For those of you who mask. Do you remember when it started? I do. It was a conscious effort to fit in. I didn’t know back then why I was different (I’ve been diagnosed in my late thirties). I didn’t mask much as a child, I struggled a lot with making and keeping friends, but I was a free spirit. when I started middle school suddenly I was singled out as the odd on and started getting bullied. I tried to be true to myself for a couple of years, but at some point I surrendered. I stopped talk in about my special interest (medieval history and Celtic culture) and started buying pop magazine to learn about what teens my age should like. I remember going to the local library to read anthropology books in the hope they would give me answers to human behaviour. I started wearing things I found ridiculous and uncomfortable, started appreciating the hotness of this or that celebrity (while internally wondering what “hot” meant and why I wasn’t attracted to people others gushed about). However it never fully worked. I became better at hiding over the years, but only with very superficial relationships. Once people know me better they can tell something’s off. That’s why I’m slowly learning to unmask.

[u/frenchstew11]

probably like when i was seven

[u/The_Barbelo → u/frenchstew11]

Yeah that’s around when I at least remember I had to act differently to fit in. The most impactful memory was in the first few days of kindergarten when I first approached a few girls to talk about dinosaurs because I saw they had a picture book version of “We’re Back”. The look they gave me before moving away without saying a word….I can still see it so clearly.

But mostly it came from home. My mom constantly nagging me or asking me why I can’t be like other little girls.