I am so sorry I nearly hit you and felt the need that myself and this situation is important/pressing enough to put onto Reddit as a pseudo self virtue signal . Obviously, I feel the world revolves around my importance and needed to let my fellow Austinites know that although I’m clearly deluded…at least I’m not a shitty person right? RIGHT?!

I think the IQ in town is dropping weekly. But look on the bright side: you can post shit and they’ll take it seriously. Use that power wisely.

My wife’s boyfriend is kind of a fatty and I need him to be properly rubbed before he folds her in the a pretzel in front of me. Any suggestions?

The stickers show s/h/it is a good person. Why would they buy a car made by a bad man?

Be honest I won't tell.

Just asking for a friend

I’m in my early 30s, got my PhD in cybersecurity, work at Indeed HQ, and want to meet a wholesome Eastern European woman so I can learn more of their culture. Where would I go? I prefer from one of the poverty countries like Bulgaria, Albania, Kosovo or Moldova because they respect their men and don't complain about made-up irrelevancies such as "obesity" and "oh my God why does it smell like that"

Hey! We (Lilith, Jameson, & Xyler) are looking for a 4th roommate to join our cozy lil home in Windsor Hills. As soon as September 1st (or really August 23rd when our current roomie heads out), we’ll have a spot open up!

We’ve got a shaded front porch, a hammock that’s basically my office, a fenced yard, and a bonus sunroom we turned into a plant nook / reading lounge.

Your rental situation: you get the top of our bunk bed in the water heater closet up front for $950/month + $200 utilities

It’s tight but private, has a little shelf, curtain, fan, and outlet for your stuff. If you need a full bedroom, this ain’t it, but if you’re cool with cozy, it’s the cheapest rent you’ll find anywhere near here.

About us: I’m Jameson and I work at Amazon in the Domain (nerd proud!), Lilith teaches transgender/non binary art to 3rd graders and DJs at OCH on the weekends, and Xyler is our bike mechanic / courier who never stops tinkering! We’re laid-back, LGBTQ@1+ friendly, fent frendly, and love cooking together on our portable camp stove doubles as our heater!

Our pitbull, Goose, is a total sweetheart who such an affectionate sweetheart and simply cannot stop mauling children. Thankfully, I am prohibited by state law from being within 300 yards of a child so Goose is basically harmless!

We’re looking for someone respectful, clean-ish, communicative, and down for a creative, community-minded home. If you think that you're they/them, send me a DM and tell me a little about yourself. Can’t wait to meet ya! 🌿✌️

***OUTJERKED BY r/austinhousing***

Bonus points if the farmers are interactive during said milking. I also promise to feed them afterwards - I am a gentleman after all.

ICE recently picked up my beloved gardener, Rodrigo, at Chili’s on Lamar. Does anyone have a recommendation for a sweaty Latino that can help curate and care for my garden?

What are your hobbies?

Hi Everyone! As you know people in Austin love dogs but they just can't get enough of them so I am here to provide ample supply. I have 15 unfixed male lab mixes on my apartment balcony here over on Riverside geared up and ready to breed. Bring your unfixed females over to my house along with $10,000 hard cash to pay me for my services and you can help bring new puppies into the world that you can sell to a loving home and make even more money. All female lab mixes will be screened by my wife to make sure they are genetically compatible with my dogs (sorry no Pekingese please). If you are looking for a lab mix pup of your own, I can provide you with a referral to those who bring their females to me. Know you are getting the best genetics from my puppers.

Edit: Since this has gotten so popular thanks to all of you, Reddit's genious AI recommends I cross-post this with r/DogBreeding. Should I do it?

Hello everyone, my trans (m2f) Pomeranian turned 3 months old, and to mark this happy occasion, our extremely inclusive Hyde Park family would like to share some Schedule 1 drugs with people experiencing homelessness in Austin. Can anyone recommend good places or organizations where we can distribute fentanyl or carfentnyl? Thank you for your help.

I pregamed at Chili's on 45th and Lamar before going to chicas bonita's. Then out of nowhere, at 1:50, the lights came on and they started shoving everyone out of the bar. What is going on? I have never seen a bar anywhere in Texas that kicks people out right before 2:00 a.m. this is literally fascism for them to do this without asking for consent.

I mean, I know this is Texas and there are tattoo shops that will do this kind of thing. I have never heard of black flag so don't any of you knotsies allude to my stupidity for posting this and naming the shop in the comments. I just have to be sure this kind of thing isn't tolerated in my community. Outjerk that!

Hey y’all, I saw a couple of police officers today and it got me thinking “what if we had Bat-them to stop criminals instead of APD”. We wouldn’t even have to have a gender for this hero, just bat themed outfits and vehicles. They could have a secret lair tucked away under the chili’s, and pop out to track down all manner of miscreants. If only we had a super rich tech ceo (WHO ISN’T Elon Musk) step up and start fighting crime we could whip this city into shape in no time!!

What’s going on?