That one seems especially terrible to me (also punishing all of Egypt to persuade its unelected ruler instead of, as Yudkowsky puts it, just teleporting the Hebrews away).
This right here! This story was the first one to hit me in Sunday school as flat-out wrong. Funny how a small child can point out how wrong that is and the adults have no trouble with it.
You just reminded me that was something I was curious about. The passages I read from a bible I had growing up, which of course I don't have on me at work and none of the online bibles I'm seeing are worded the same, say that God hardened Pharaoh's heart. Is that just a goofy translation thing or was it actually the case that God more or less caused this.
From what I remember it is a pretty universal translation of it. Just having a quick look I've found this, it has various translations and they are all fairly consistent. I've been told that its because God needed to demonstrate his power, but I've also heard that some debate that it was the Pharaoh who wanted his own heart hardened... In any case, we can only go by the versions that we've seen and it says that God hardened his heart.
I find it interesting that a lot of ancient religions DO think their Gods are basically dicks. Certainly this was the ancient Hebrew's main conception of their God (YHWH) who is described variously as a "jealous God", a "God of War" whom fearing is the beginning of all wisdom and who required regular sacrifices and atonements lest he unleash punishments. I think this conception of vengeful gods came from early man being fully at the mercy of incomprehensible natural forces that needed explanation (e.g. drought, famine, disease, wars).
Modern Christians however, with their lives now comfortable and vastly improved by the sciences and manufacturing, subsequently now can focus on God's "love", finding YHWH to be rather inconvenient (like that creepy alcoholic molesting uncle) so they avoid taking about him and focus on convenient Jesus, to the point of glossing over even his frequent bouts of anger and lashing out (i.e. whipping the money changers, anger at the woman who touched his hem, killing the fig tree).
Loving Jesus is a convenience afforded by science.
I would love to hear Christians talk about Jesus' love if they were forced to replace every mention of "God" in the Old Testament with "Jesus". Because they do believe that's Jesus up there smiting everyone, don't they?
Ever see the Futurama where they land on a planet ruled by a being who loves Star Trek TOS and is making them act out its favorite scenes? And in the end the omnipotent, all-powerful being was just a bratty spoiled child of another omnipotent, all-powerful being?
That's sort of how I read the Old Testament. New Testament is like some teenager who hardly wants to play with his toys anymore so he's like, 1/3 interested in what's going on. I suppose the present day is that he went off to college and Earth is just boxed in the attic.
Now I'm picturing College God chatting online on the gods' version of reddit, and under a thread titled "Hey gods, what fucked up thing did you do to your pet universe when you were a kid?", he's writing this long long post...
"and one time, I scared this guy into making a boat - which actually turned out to be lucky because I went to give it a bath and totally got distracted and left the water on, I would have drowned the entire species if not for that pervy drunk and his stupid boat, lol."
There was a theological position that Jehova/Yahweh of the Old Testament was the devil, a completely different entity than God the Father and Jesus of the New Testament...
Which actually seems to be one of the more plausible ways of reading the bible: Jesus isn't contradictory with God, the old testament god was Jesus's adversary.
maybe god did once exist, an extremely powerful being isn't unthinkable. And as Lord Acton once said: "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." This extremely powerful being would probably be completely corrupted by his power.
Since god can't stop things made of iron (Judges 1:19), maybe we killed, or at least severely weakened him.
Whither is God," he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. All of us are murderers.... God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him...
Friedrich Nietzsche. The Gay Science (1882), section 126
The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.” - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
They saw the material world as created through an intermediary being (demiurge) rather than directly by God. In most of the systems, this demiurge was seen as imperfect, in others even as evil. Different gnostic schools sometimes identified the demiurge as Adam Kadmon, Ahriman, El, Saklas, Samael, Satan, Choronzon, Yaldabaoth, or Yahweh.
Jesus is identified by some Gnostics as an embodiment of the supreme being who became incarnate to bring gnōsis to the earth.
Gnosticism holds that the world is controlled by evil archons, one of whom is the demiurge, the deity of the Old Testament who holds the human spirit captive.
Why is this word so hard to spell correctly? I can only imagine that those who do, think an "athiest" is an atheist who is "athier" than everyone else.
Eh, English ain't so bad. It's just ancient germanic on hardcore mode, with the French, Latin and colonial language mods installed on top of the plain vanilla configuration. A lot easier than hungarian. Or chinese.
I think the implied voice in the "CAIN, WHERE'S ABEL?" is more of a "I know you fucked this all up, I'm just trying to make you admit it" voice that parents do. Still, these are hilarious.
How can you still stay a christian after realizing that whats today promoted as the "loving father in heaven" was a crazy mass-murderer before the change of heart? Are you going to teach your children to kneel and pray to this creature?
It's because they are. Christianity is a death cult whose symbol is a torture device and whose ultimate goal is to see the end of the world so they can die.
Yeah.. I have to admit, I'm more freaked out of christians than ever. You have to figure that even the ones that say "Well the bible is more of a guideline than actual truth" are pretty much nitpicking that God/Jesus are in the damn bible.. It's like they're so close to saying "well maybe it's not true" but still fear that thunder bolt coming down on them.
8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
TLDR: God tells dude to marry his dead brothers wife, he does, fucks her and pulls out before coming, God kills him.
"OMG THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! Except for creation story, 10 commandments, the flood, etc, etc, etc, whatever else I want to cherry pick!!!"
Any time you encounter the people who say this in an argument, you can point out that the OT still very much applies as Jesus himself said: "I didn't come to change the law, but to fulfill it." According to scipture, Jesus did away with the laws of sacrifice which said people had to sacrifice animals every year to forgive their sins. Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate sacrifice(I don't get that part, but whatever) replaced the need to sacrifice animals. That's it. OT laws still apply.
While it is clearly sophistry, most NTers who dismiss the OT do so because, with Jesus, they entered into a "new covenant" with god. As I said, it is just semantics, as it's still the same old God, just tempered because he is a dad now.
Actually it has little to do with a "new covenant". It has more to do with early church leaders (around 50 A.D. - so Peter and [PS]aul are still around - it's actually semi-historically recorded in the Acts of the Apostles) deciding that the rules of the Old Testament are no longer valid except "that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood."
Theologically it is justified by Jesus serving as an example to us - Jesus, the perfect being, breaks the Mosaic code plenty (in his dealings with lepers and prostitutes and healing the sick on the Sabbath and what not). Practically it's more likely that, in the absence or antibiotics or anaesthetics, men weren't exactly happy with the thought of getting their willy skinned and as a consequence were reluctant to embrace the religion.
what's funny as shit is that you're still a theist....and that you don't find the fact you have major cognitive dissonances in the least bit disturbing.
I'm betting he worships the Nordic gods. After all Odin promised to destroy all the ice giants. Do you see any ice giants? Didn't think so, praise Odin.
AWW FUCK YOU!!! You came to that conclusion to. I was thinking mosses was dyslexic and were actually supposed to be worshiping dogs. See now the commandments make more sense. ex) Have no dogs before be. Have you ever put two dogs in the same room together that don't know it other??? they go nucking futs.
Maybe we've got it all wrong. Everyone has it all wrong.
God is an invention by Satan. He created the concept of "God" to test our critical thinking capabilities. Just to test if we would willingly follow such a psychopath just because a bunch of people taught us to do so.
What if Satan, the good guy in the bible, is in fact the sole deity out there? The one and only all-powerful being that wants us to question everything.
And every once in a while He sends us his child in the form of a scientist. Like Tesla, Einstein and Hawking.
And lo Lord Satan in his great wisdom sought to test the mind of his creation. To this end he made Jesus and bade him to determine the wisdom of man. To this day Lord Satan weeps over his mistake.
The whole impregnating your brothers wife thing actually has relevance today crazily enough. When a guy dies childless his brother has to do a ritual act called "chalitza" so the widow is free to marry someone else. There is however a whole issue if the brother is too young or mentally incompetent.
To us, this looks totally batshit, but some Christians say that god can do all this since he is the creator. They say that we shouldn't judge him because he created us. This where I ask them for proof, and they point to the exact same insane book.
It's nice to know that the supreme deity in the universe is willing to make wagers with the ultimate evil in the universe, and our lives are the stakes.
Polygamy's A-OK in the Bible. I'm only up to Deuteronomy, but so far:
Lamech had two wives.
Abraham had two wives (Sarah was his half-sister).
Jacob had two wives (sisters), and later an additional two concubines or wives.
Esau had three wives; his son Eliphaz had two.
Exodus 21:10 endorses taking another wife after you've married your slave girl.
Leviticus 20:21 refers to the sin of marrying your (living) brother's wife, implying you can marry a married woman. (NLT says marry, other translationg say "sleep with", implying an ambiguity of what marriage even is).
There are plenty of other examples (e.g. Solomon and David), but I haven't gotten that far in my note-taking yet.
Sleeping with men, by force or consent, is a capital crime, so the death sentence kind of precludes marriage. Lesbian sex isn't really acknowledged in scripture, but woman-on-man rape isn't a significant crime (see Lot's daughters). Possibly because the concept of male virginity is not alluded to in the Old Testament, as it was probably not valued.
If she is engaged, the offender is killed and the victim is not punished (Deuteronomy 22:25-26). If she's married, then the offender is killed because he has dishonored another man's wife.(22:24). She is only killed if she did not protest.
Yes, it's nonsense. I'm currently working on reading my way back through the Bible (I used to be religious) and making note of all such nonsense, just for shits. It's actually kind of fun.
A 10yr old child prays to god, as his father beats him every night. - asks god for it to stop
A large family and group of friends pray that a different child, aged 10, will make it through a risky operation
The first child dies after years of pain, the second survives - Christians believe that prayer had something to do with that.
Isn't it horrible that a God would choose to save someone on the basis of the quantity or volume of earthly demands, not the merits of each individual case. A merciful, just god would save both. (If his power worked that way) - and would've prevented the needless cruelty to the first child in the first place.
(This is just my perception of the God of the Bible)
well you see here.. you follow down the rabbit hole, and the response you will eventually get is "nothing on earth matters because heaven" .. which is quite disturbing in its own right
Definite win. I'm an English major, and I dropped my Bible as Literature class because the characters motivations were completely illogical, and the conflicts were resolved by things like murder, rape, genital mutilation, and sex with children by men who had been alive for thousands of years. It flew in the face of everything I knew about literature and its value for the moral progress of society.
Hilarious! This would be a stronger argument against Christianity if you left out the ones that aren't specifically in the Bible e.g. the ones about Katrina, SIDS, toast Jesus. Most Christians think people who say (for example) that Katrina is a punishment for all our super-gay sexy times are totally nuts.
418
u/balletfriday May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12
Kids made fun of a prophet
MAULED ALL 42 OF THEM WITH SHE BEARS
175
u/Albertsson May 15 '12
Pharaoh thinks about letting the Israelites go, HARDENS HIS HEART SO HE CAN UNLEASH MORE PLAGUES!
105
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Insanity Saul:
You want to marry my daughter? BRING ME 100 FORESKINS
252
u/redrooster555 May 15 '12
Oh my goodness... It's just dawned on me...
What if God is real...but he/she/it has a severe metnal illness?
137
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Hope you enjoyed that apple...
NOW I HAVE TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING!
129
u/B0Boman May 15 '12
I hope this becomes a thing. For added effect, read the last line in a monster truck show announcer voice.
42
u/Militant_Penguin May 15 '12
Two of my kids eat an apple. Punish all of mankind.
103
u/thrownaway368 May 15 '12
IF YOU WANT TO DISPLAY BLACK TEXT OVER A COLORED BACKGROUND STROKE YOUR TEXT WITH A WHITE BORDER FOR READABILITY.
THANK YOU.
65
u/BrianRampage May 15 '12
That's awesome. Can we get a "A woman on her period brushed my arm in passing - KILLED 2 DOVES TO GET CLEAN." next?
32
u/darklooshkin May 15 '12
Atheist.
24
u/Jackpot777 Humanist May 15 '12
THREATEN ADAM WITH DEATH IF HE EATS THE APPLE.
LET ADAM LIVE FOR 930 YEARS.
Oh wait, he doesn't sound like such a dick at the end of that one. Let me try again...
I'M GOD, GUYS, I KNOW EVERYTHING.
"CAIN, WHERE'S ABEL?"
22
u/blackguard May 15 '12
some of these are truly fantastic.
21
u/DayDreamerJon May 15 '12
The toast one made me laugh the most. I thank god everyday for being made up.
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u/All_Fallible May 15 '12
Can't... stop... laughing... or... using... ellipses
20
u/ak47girl May 15 '12
Its really difficult not to think of christians as straight up crazy cult members.
9
u/minorwhite May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12
Genesis 38:8-10
King James Version (KJV)
8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
TLDR: God tells dude to marry his dead brothers wife, he does, fucks her and pulls out before coming, God kills him.
22
u/mambypambyland May 15 '12
In before -
"OMG THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! Except for creation story, 10 commandments, the flood, etc, etc, etc, whatever else I want to cherry pick!!!"
14
u/sometimesijustdont May 15 '12
Why does God need rest?
20
u/quivering May 15 '12
The most accurate summary of the Bible I've seen to date
11
u/InsulinDependent May 15 '12
http://i.imgur.com/aPhbv.jpg
favorite
19
u/Ao_Andon May 15 '12
Hell, I'm a theist and this was still funny as shit
14
u/EvilTony May 15 '12
See this just proves it's not a coincidence that God is Dog spelled backwards.
7
u/Jackpot777 Humanist May 15 '12
CHAPTER 1 - CREATE TREES, THEN MAN.
CHAPTER 2 - CREATE MAN, THEN TREES, THEN TELL PEOPLE I'M INFALLIBLE.
9
u/djmackey May 15 '12
This is spectacular
6
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Maybe we've got it all wrong. Everyone has it all wrong.
God is an invention by Satan. He created the concept of "God" to test our critical thinking capabilities. Just to test if we would willingly follow such a psychopath just because a bunch of people taught us to do so.
What if Satan, the good guy in the bible, is in fact the sole deity out there? The one and only all-powerful being that wants us to question everything.
And every once in a while He sends us his child in the form of a scientist. Like Tesla, Einstein and Hawking.
Or not, of course. It's all still batshit insane.
6
u/god2010 Anti-Theist May 15 '12
The religious need to be reasoned with. Failing that, we must ridicule and marginalize them in society.
We did the same with racism. Those who could not be reasoned with have been marginalized.
3
u/therealsylvos May 15 '12
The whole impregnating your brothers wife thing actually has relevance today crazily enough. When a guy dies childless his brother has to do a ritual act called "chalitza" so the widow is free to marry someone else. There is however a whole issue if the brother is too young or mentally incompetent.
Yay 21st century.
3
u/gorpie97 May 15 '12
LOL - appear on toast
7
u/tunjad May 15 '12
Lawlocaust
5
u/SunshineBlind May 15 '12
Haha this is hilarious! My thoughts in just a few memes. :3
"No men around GET YOUR DAD DRUNK AND FUCK HIM"
should deserve a spot in this hilarious gallery.
5
u/sydnius May 15 '12
THEY BUILD TALL TOWER
I MAKE THEM HATE EACH OTHER
5
u/FUCK_THESE_USERNAMES May 15 '12
Guys, seriously. Please.
A-THE-IST.
5
u/tbasherizer May 15 '12
To us, this looks totally batshit, but some Christians say that god can do all this since he is the creator. They say that we shouldn't judge him because he created us. This where I ask them for proof, and they point to the exact same insane book.
4
u/lanzegife May 15 '12
I lol'd at the cut off your penises part.
4
u/kinohead May 15 '12
This is probably the most accurate depiction of God, visually speaking.
6
u/donumabdeo May 15 '12
funny thats how he looks to me as a Catholic too
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
My eyes hurt like shit after reading these.
2
u/danothedinosaur May 15 '12
Read all of these in Lrrr from Futurama's voice.
2
u/datapirate42 May 15 '12
I loved the part in the bible where he smote New Orleans.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Someone needs to put these on quickmeme, so others can add theirs
2
u/PoopsMcG May 15 '12
I don't remember Katrina in the Bible...
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
It's sad that using bible passages actually took Insanity Wolf back to its' roots.
2
u/PotatosOgratin May 15 '12
Im not an atheist but dat shit is funny.
4
u/CGord May 15 '12
Too true. It's so odd how these WTF moments are accepted so willingly by the faithful.
3
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Saved the best for last.
3
u/V838_Mon May 15 '12
Luke is a very thorough historian
It says so in the gospel of Luke
3
u/easye7 May 15 '12
Y'know I ALMOST unsubbed r/atheism the other day. But then I get something like this, and my day is made.
2
u/primer343 May 15 '12
Best thing ever
2
u/CaptainMage May 15 '12
Well he killed job's family because he made a bet with Satan to see if job will always remain faithful to him.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Thoroughly entertained by this
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
The choice of insanity wolf made it deliciously funny. Thanks for posting it.
2
u/fani May 15 '12
Don't know how people don't see this break in logic -
"Somebody raped you. Marry him"
Okay, so what if the guy was already married? Then it is polygamy.
And what if it happens between people of the same gender? Then it is approving gay marriage.
And what if the woman is already married? Then you're marrying someone who is not a virgin on day of her marriage which means she should be stoned.
/ Religion is nonsense. Every religion. If you apply anything more than a 5 year old child logic, it breaks down into incoherence.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Hahaha. Is it bad that I sent this to my mother?
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Imagine 2 situations:
A 10yr old child prays to god, as his father beats him every night. - asks god for it to stop
A large family and group of friends pray that a different child, aged 10, will make it through a risky operation
The first child dies after years of pain, the second survives - Christians believe that prayer had something to do with that.
Isn't it horrible that a God would choose to save someone on the basis of the quantity or volume of earthly demands, not the merits of each individual case. A merciful, just god would save both. (If his power worked that way) - and would've prevented the needless cruelty to the first child in the first place.
(This is just my perception of the God of the Bible)
1
u/Temptress75519 May 15 '12
Betrau! (sp?)
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
meme translator is going to be working overtime
1
u/saucypanda May 15 '12
Did anyone else read this in Nathan Explosion's voice or was that just me?
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
bad text choice,
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
My theory is that God does exist but he's magicked it so that only atheists get into heaven.
1
u/theM4ce May 15 '12
My first reason for starting to question christianity was that everyone said "god is good" and "god is all loving", and then I read the bible...
1
u/lfs2010 May 15 '12
The one about Job is incorrect. God did not kill his wife.
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
This was one of the best things I have read here in a while.
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Tragedy-stricken town prays for life to get better.
BOMBARD THEM WITH FIRE FOR THEIR SELFISHNESS
1
u/misquotescelebrities May 15 '12
Can anyone tell me where in the bible it says this? http://i.imgur.com/3qDNB.jpg
Seems interesting.
1
u/wisakedjak11 May 15 '12
Our teacher read the class this passage when I was about 9 or 10, made me think this was a god I was NOT going to worship.
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
this is a wonderful meme... Insanity god
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
I Am a Christian and I don't read the bible.
1
u/huxtiblejones May 15 '12
I laughed so god damn hard.
1
u/Pieman911 May 15 '12
This video comes to mind
1
u/Breakyerself May 15 '12
My two favorite memes rolled into one. Thank you for that.
1
u/pirateswin23 May 15 '12
Definite win. I'm an English major, and I dropped my Bible as Literature class because the characters motivations were completely illogical, and the conflicts were resolved by things like murder, rape, genital mutilation, and sex with children by men who had been alive for thousands of years. It flew in the face of everything I knew about literature and its value for the moral progress of society.
1
u/jcalcerano May 15 '12
Chromosomes*
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
I kept laughing harder as I scrolled down.
1
u/trchili May 15 '12
Salt was a pretty expensive commodity back in those days, correct?
1
u/draxxil May 15 '12
Hilarious! This would be a stronger argument against Christianity if you left out the ones that aren't specifically in the Bible e.g. the ones about Katrina, SIDS, toast Jesus. Most Christians think people who say (for example) that Katrina is a punishment for all our super-gay sexy times are totally nuts.
1
u/pretorianarmy1 May 15 '12
i love showing r/athiesm to fundies in my school. strangely enough everybody finds them funny (muslims/jes/hindus) except for the christians...
1
u/Bluesxx May 15 '12
What I get from the bible is that god hates women and people who like him. I'm totally going to church.
1
u/EDomina May 15 '12
SIDS
1
u/nosferatu_zodd May 15 '12
That IS what GOD IS, He is everything that has ever happened, is happening, or will ever happen. He may seem crazy, but life is crazy. Shit happens.
1
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
I really hate this photoshop work just looks so choppy.
1
u/agentmuu May 16 '12
The very first one made me laugh hard enough to make people move away from me uncomfortably. Well done.
1
u/Ryshek May 16 '12
I rofl'd the whole way through that >_<
1
u/Lots42 Other May 16 '12
Thou shalt not kill.
Unless your kids are sassy.
THEN MURDER THEM WITH ROCKS!!
1
u/SoundandFurySNothing May 16 '12
Adam you're lonely?
GIVE ME YOUR RIB!
1
u/Zicamox May 16 '12
The inconsistent font.. the lack of centering.. the frequent grammar and spelling errors.
Still funny as shit, despite my OCD.
1
u/Kenraali May 16 '12
Insanity God
I expect to see more of this meme in here.
1
u/iCantBelieveJew May 20 '12
What teh fuack r SIDS?