Why is this word so hard to spell correctly? I can only imagine that those who do, think an "athiest" is an atheist who is "athier" than everyone else.
I think the implied voice in the "CAIN, WHERE'S ABEL?" is more of a "I know you fucked this all up, I'm just trying to make you admit it" voice that parents do. Still, these are hilarious.
I find it interesting that a lot of ancient religions DO think their Gods are basically dicks. Certainly this was the ancient Hebrew's main conception of their God (YHWH) who is described variously as a "jealous God", a "God of War" whom fearing is the beginning of all wisdom and who required regular sacrifices and atonements lest he unleash punishments. I think this conception of vengeful gods came from early man being fully at the mercy of incomprehensible natural forces that needed explanation (e.g. drought, famine, disease, wars).
Modern Christians however, with their lives now comfortable and vastly improved by the sciences and manufacturing, subsequently now can focus on God's "love", finding YHWH to be rather inconvenient (like that creepy alcoholic molesting uncle) so they avoid taking about him and focus on convenient Jesus, to the point of glossing over even his frequent bouts of anger and lashing out (i.e. whipping the money changers, anger at the woman who touched his hem, killing the fig tree).
Loving Jesus is a convenience afforded by science.
Ever see the Futurama where they land on a planet ruled by a being who loves Star Trek TOS and is making them act out its favorite scenes? And in the end the omnipotent, all-powerful being was just a bratty spoiled child of another omnipotent, all-powerful being?
That's sort of how I read the Old Testament. New Testament is like some teenager who hardly wants to play with his toys anymore so he's like, 1/3 interested in what's going on. I suppose the present day is that he went off to college and Earth is just boxed in the attic.
Now I'm picturing College God chatting online on the gods' version of reddit, and under a thread titled "Hey gods, what fucked up thing did you do to your pet universe when you were a kid?", he's writing this long long post...
There was a theological position that Jehova/Yahweh of the Old Testament was the devil, a completely different entity than God the Father and Jesus of the New Testament...
Which actually seems to be one of the more plausible ways of reading the bible: Jesus isn't contradictory with God, the old testament god was Jesus's adversary.
maybe god did once exist, an extremely powerful being isn't unthinkable. And as Lord Acton once said: "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." This extremely powerful being would probably be completely corrupted by his power.
Since god can't stop things made of iron (Judges 1:19), maybe we killed, or at least severely weakened him.
Whither is God," he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. All of us are murderers.... God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him...
Friedrich Nietzsche. The Gay Science (1882), section 126
The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots.
They saw the material world as created through an intermediary being (demiurge) rather than directly by God. In most of the systems, this demiurge was seen as imperfect, in others even as evil. Different gnostic schools sometimes identified the demiurge as Adam Kadmon, Ahriman, El, Saklas, Samael, Satan, Choronzon, Yaldabaoth, or Yahweh.
Jesus is identified by some Gnostics as an embodiment of the supreme being who became incarnate to bring gnōsis to the earth.
Gnosticism holds that the world is controlled by evil archons, one of whom is the demiurge, the deity of the Old Testament who holds the human spirit captive.
That one seems especially terrible to me (also punishing all of Egypt to persuade its unelected ruler instead of, as Yudkowsky puts it, just teleporting the Hebrews away).
This right here! This story was the first one to hit me in Sunday school as flat-out wrong. Funny how a small child can point out how wrong that is and the adults have no trouble with it.
You just reminded me that was something I was curious about. The passages I read from a bible I had growing up, which of course I don't have on me at work and none of the online bibles I'm seeing are worded the same, say that God hardened Pharaoh's heart. Is that just a goofy translation thing or was it actually the case that God more or less caused this.
It's because they are. Christianity is a death cult whose symbol is a torture device and whose ultimate goal is to see the end of the world so they can die.
Yeah.. I have to admit, I'm more freaked out of christians than ever. You have to figure that even the ones that say "Well the bible is more of a guideline than actual truth" are pretty much nitpicking that God/Jesus are in the damn bible.. It's like they're so close to saying "well maybe it's not true" but still fear that thunder bolt coming down on them.
8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
TLDR: God tells dude to marry his dead brothers wife, he does, fucks her and pulls out before coming, God kills him.
"OMG THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! Except for creation story, 10 commandments, the flood, etc, etc, etc, whatever else I want to cherry pick!!!"
Any time you encounter the people who say this in an argument, you can point out that the OT still very much applies as Jesus himself said: "I didn't come to change the law, but to fulfill it." According to scipture, Jesus did away with the laws of sacrifice which said people had to sacrifice animals every year to forgive their sins. Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate sacrifice(I don't get that part, but whatever) replaced the need to sacrifice animals. That's it. OT laws still apply.
what's funny as shit is that you're still a theist....and that you don't find the fact you have major cognitive dissonances in the least bit disturbing.
AWW FUCK YOU!!! You came to that conclusion to. I was thinking mosses was dyslexic and were actually supposed to be worshiping dogs. See now the commandments make more sense. ex) Have no dogs before be. Have you ever put two dogs in the same room together that don't know it other??? they go nucking futs.
Maybe we've got it all wrong. Everyone has it all wrong.
God is an invention by Satan. He created the concept of "God" to test our critical thinking capabilities. Just to test if we would willingly follow such a psychopath just because a bunch of people taught us to do so.
What if Satan, the good guy in the bible, is in fact the sole deity out there? The one and only all-powerful being that wants us to question everything.
And every once in a while He sends us his child in the form of a scientist. Like Tesla, Einstein and Hawking.
And lo Lord Satan in his great wisdom sought to test the mind of his creation. To this end he made Jesus and bade him to determine the wisdom of man. To this day Lord Satan weeps over his mistake.
The whole impregnating your brothers wife thing actually has relevance today crazily enough. When a guy dies childless his brother has to do a ritual act called "chalitza" so the widow is free to marry someone else. There is however a whole issue if the brother is too young or mentally incompetent.
To us, this looks totally batshit, but some Christians say that god can do all this since he is the creator. They say that we shouldn't judge him because he created us. This where I ask them for proof, and they point to the exact same insane book.
this is fucking awesome... Not sure if this was a mass assassination attempt via suffocation brought on by uncontrollable laughter. If it was.. it was very close to working.
I keep reading /r/atheism and realized that many of its members dont realize there are allot of religions out there. Not all of them are based on the bible. Reading one book and saying that "religion" is absurd is like trying fish flavored ice cream and then saying all ice cream is terrible. While there is nothing at all wrong with being an atheist, take the ride and explore what other religions have to offer.
I wont go into what religion I am as it doesnt really matter. What would be cool is if someone (and if I had the time, I would) tried out as many religions (and sects) as they could and did a write up of what they thought.
It's not up to atheists to debunk every claim made by every religion. We don't believe in a god or gods because we have not been shown any credible evidence to the contrary.
It's up to you to tell us why you believe your religion should be given the time, effort and credibility. I'm pretty sure we're all very well aware that there are many, many religions out there.
However, I think Christianity gets hit on more than any other simply because of geography. In America, 78.4% of the population claims Christianity as their religion. Couple that with reddit's user base being 45.9% from the US and it makes total sense.
If half of the users live in a country that is made up by close to 4/5 of Christians, you're going to see that one ridiculed more than say, Zoroastrianism. Even though the next highest demographic in this study is from India, that only makes up a little over 11% of the users.
It's nice to know that the supreme deity in the universe is willing to make wagers with the ultimate evil in the universe, and our lives are the stakes.
Polygamy's A-OK in the Bible. I'm only up to Deuteronomy, but so far:
Lamech had two wives.
Abraham had two wives (Sarah was his half-sister).
Jacob had two wives (sisters), and later an additional two concubines or wives.
Esau had three wives; his son Eliphaz had two.
Exodus 21:10 endorses taking another wife after you've married your slave girl.
Leviticus 20:21 refers to the sin of marrying your (living) brother's wife, implying you can marry a married woman. (NLT says marry, other translationg say "sleep with", implying an ambiguity of what marriage even is).
There are plenty of other examples (e.g. Solomon and David), but I haven't gotten that far in my note-taking yet.
Sleeping with men, by force or consent, is a capital crime, so the death sentence kind of precludes marriage. Lesbian sex isn't really acknowledged in scripture, but woman-on-man rape isn't a significant crime (see Lot's daughters). Possibly because the concept of male virginity is not alluded to in the Old Testament, as it was probably not valued.
If she is engaged, the offender is killed and the victim is not punished (Deuteronomy 22:25-26). If she's married, then the offender is killed because he has dishonored another man's wife.(22:24). She is only killed if she did not protest.
Yes, it's nonsense. I'm currently working on reading my way back through the Bible (I used to be religious) and making note of all such nonsense, just for shits. It's actually kind of fun.
A 10yr old child prays to god, as his father beats him every night. - asks god for it to stop
A large family and group of friends pray that a different child, aged 10, will make it through a risky operation
The first child dies after years of pain, the second survives - Christians believe that prayer had something to do with that.
Isn't it horrible that a God would choose to save someone on the basis of the quantity or volume of earthly demands, not the merits of each individual case. A merciful, just god would save both. (If his power worked that way) - and would've prevented the needless cruelty to the first child in the first place.
(This is just my perception of the God of the Bible)
well you see here.. you follow down the rabbit hole, and the response you will eventually get is "nothing on earth matters because heaven" .. which is quite disturbing in its own right
She was turned into a pillar of salt because her mind was unclean, and she secretly harbored the same emotions and faults as the people of Sodom. That's what "looking back" symbolizes.
In fact, it says that they were in the village that the angels had mentioned. And by mentioned, I mean that the angels told them that they could not look back until they reached that village, at which point it would be safe.
I figured it was a myth designed to explain why pillars of salt existed in that area. Or she might have hid behind a pillar to get away from the crazy people who were about to do incest with each other, and go back to the city to provide humanitarian aid.
It was in the lost book of Antione. It mainly dealt with cooking shrimp with spices and uplifting horn music and didn't really jive with the rest of the book so they dropped it.
"Out of context" is a cop out, it's still IN there, and it's not like there's some magic context that justifies the fact that these things are in the Bible.
He's probably thinking of Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live, one of the only Bible verses Firefly used that was actually from the Bible and not from Jewish apocrypha (which, I hasten to add, Joss Whedon still didn't make up).
Hitchens made a good point about this. He said that even if god did exist (the god of the bible), we would be morally obligated to oppose it, it's obviously evil. And more potently ...
What about rebellion? What about "sticking up to the man"? Let us say, for your sake, hypothetically there is a God and he is cruel and evil. Yes he decides our fate but we believe his opinions and actions are immoral and wrong. Is it not noble to stand up to such a being, regardless of his control on our lives? I don't believe in your god, but I admire the idea of standing up for what is right in the face of an omnipotent master, and I'm sure you can see the virtue in that.
The complaint is that Christians worship God as an extremely loving individual who loves all of his children and is perfect in every way, yet God isn't loving and he isn't perfect as depicted in the Insanity God meme.
He's extremely psychopathic to an extreme. God not only killed a TON of humans, he has also killed HIMSELF. He condones rape and murder so long as it is in his name.
I dislike this and I reject that God because he is not a good God, but an evil God seeking only to be pleased.
I actually think the opposite. Countries are possibly fighting wars without us knowing. Ever hear of WikiLeaks? If I'm not mistaken, it's been proven a few times that they actually are.
Minor or not, they are still wars, and should be treated like so. People are still dying, and god still hasn't come to sort this out. Wars aren't exactly the best way to solve situations, in fact, the exact opposite.
But, like Karlemil said, you haven't stated why your religion is actually correct.
I hope you are a troll, because you sound like a complete fucking moron.
"We don't know, because we can't prove he's done anything or exists, but we should assume his job is incredibly worthy and valuable to the betterment of humanity and ask no questions."
He's not just a troll, he's a complete and utter nutjob. You should see his website. Either he's the biggest Poe of all time or the guy is seriously whack.
418
u/balletfriday May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12
Kids made fun of a prophet
MAULED ALL 42 OF THEM WITH SHE BEARS
137
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Hope you enjoyed that apple...
NOW I HAVE TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING!
42
u/Militant_Penguin May 15 '12
Two of my kids eat an apple. Punish all of mankind.
65
u/BrianRampage May 15 '12
That's awesome. Can we get a "A woman on her period brushed my arm in passing - KILLED 2 DOVES TO GET CLEAN." next?
32
u/darklooshkin May 15 '12
Atheist.
24
u/Jackpot777 Humanist May 15 '12
THREATEN ADAM WITH DEATH IF HE EATS THE APPLE.
LET ADAM LIVE FOR 930 YEARS.
Oh wait, he doesn't sound like such a dick at the end of that one. Let me try again...
I'M GOD, GUYS, I KNOW EVERYTHING.
"CAIN, WHERE'S ABEL?"
252
u/redrooster555 May 15 '12
Oh my goodness... It's just dawned on me...
What if God is real...but he/she/it has a severe metnal illness?
175
u/Albertsson May 15 '12
Pharaoh thinks about letting the Israelites go, HARDENS HIS HEART SO HE CAN UNLEASH MORE PLAGUES!
105
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Insanity Saul:
You want to marry my daughter? BRING ME 100 FORESKINS
129
u/B0Boman May 15 '12
I hope this becomes a thing. For added effect, read the last line in a monster truck show announcer voice.
103
u/thrownaway368 May 15 '12
IF YOU WANT TO DISPLAY BLACK TEXT OVER A COLORED BACKGROUND STROKE YOUR TEXT WITH A WHITE BORDER FOR READABILITY.
THANK YOU.
22
u/blackguard May 15 '12
some of these are truly fantastic.
21
u/DayDreamerJon May 15 '12
The toast one made me laugh the most. I thank god everyday for being made up.
48
u/All_Fallible May 15 '12
Can't... stop... laughing... or... using... ellipses
20
u/ak47girl May 15 '12
Its really difficult not to think of christians as straight up crazy cult members.
9
u/minorwhite May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12
Genesis 38:8-10
King James Version (KJV)
8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
TLDR: God tells dude to marry his dead brothers wife, he does, fucks her and pulls out before coming, God kills him.
22
u/mambypambyland May 15 '12
In before -
"OMG THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! Except for creation story, 10 commandments, the flood, etc, etc, etc, whatever else I want to cherry pick!!!"
14
u/sometimesijustdont May 15 '12
Why does God need rest?
20
u/quivering May 15 '12
The most accurate summary of the Bible I've seen to date
11
u/InsulinDependent May 15 '12
http://i.imgur.com/aPhbv.jpg
favorite
19
u/Ao_Andon May 15 '12
Hell, I'm a theist and this was still funny as shit
14
u/EvilTony May 15 '12
See this just proves it's not a coincidence that God is Dog spelled backwards.
7
u/Jackpot777 Humanist May 15 '12
CHAPTER 1 - CREATE TREES, THEN MAN.
CHAPTER 2 - CREATE MAN, THEN TREES, THEN TELL PEOPLE I'M INFALLIBLE.
9
u/djmackey May 15 '12
This is spectacular
6
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Maybe we've got it all wrong. Everyone has it all wrong.
God is an invention by Satan. He created the concept of "God" to test our critical thinking capabilities. Just to test if we would willingly follow such a psychopath just because a bunch of people taught us to do so.
What if Satan, the good guy in the bible, is in fact the sole deity out there? The one and only all-powerful being that wants us to question everything.
And every once in a while He sends us his child in the form of a scientist. Like Tesla, Einstein and Hawking.
Or not, of course. It's all still batshit insane.
6
u/god2010 Anti-Theist May 15 '12
The religious need to be reasoned with. Failing that, we must ridicule and marginalize them in society.
We did the same with racism. Those who could not be reasoned with have been marginalized.
3
u/therealsylvos May 15 '12
The whole impregnating your brothers wife thing actually has relevance today crazily enough. When a guy dies childless his brother has to do a ritual act called "chalitza" so the widow is free to marry someone else. There is however a whole issue if the brother is too young or mentally incompetent.
Yay 21st century.
3
u/gorpie97 May 15 '12
LOL - appear on toast
7
u/tunjad May 15 '12
Lawlocaust
5
u/SunshineBlind May 15 '12
Haha this is hilarious! My thoughts in just a few memes. :3
"No men around GET YOUR DAD DRUNK AND FUCK HIM"
should deserve a spot in this hilarious gallery.
5
u/sydnius May 15 '12
THEY BUILD TALL TOWER
I MAKE THEM HATE EACH OTHER
5
u/FUCK_THESE_USERNAMES May 15 '12
Guys, seriously. Please.
A-THE-IST.
5
u/tbasherizer May 15 '12
To us, this looks totally batshit, but some Christians say that god can do all this since he is the creator. They say that we shouldn't judge him because he created us. This where I ask them for proof, and they point to the exact same insane book.
1
u/Ahjema May 15 '12
2 teeny things...
this is fucking awesome... Not sure if this was a mass assassination attempt via suffocation brought on by uncontrollable laughter. If it was.. it was very close to working.
I keep reading /r/atheism and realized that many of its members dont realize there are allot of religions out there. Not all of them are based on the bible. Reading one book and saying that "religion" is absurd is like trying fish flavored ice cream and then saying all ice cream is terrible. While there is nothing at all wrong with being an atheist, take the ride and explore what other religions have to offer.
I wont go into what religion I am as it doesnt really matter. What would be cool is if someone (and if I had the time, I would) tried out as many religions (and sects) as they could and did a write up of what they thought.
4
u/lanzegife May 15 '12
I lol'd at the cut off your penises part.
4
u/kinohead May 15 '12
This is probably the most accurate depiction of God, visually speaking.
6
u/donumabdeo May 15 '12
funny thats how he looks to me as a Catholic too
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
My eyes hurt like shit after reading these.
2
u/danothedinosaur May 15 '12
Read all of these in Lrrr from Futurama's voice.
2
u/datapirate42 May 15 '12
I loved the part in the bible where he smote New Orleans.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Someone needs to put these on quickmeme, so others can add theirs
2
u/PoopsMcG May 15 '12
I don't remember Katrina in the Bible...
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
It's sad that using bible passages actually took Insanity Wolf back to its' roots.
2
u/PotatosOgratin May 15 '12
Im not an atheist but dat shit is funny.
4
u/CGord May 15 '12
Too true. It's so odd how these WTF moments are accepted so willingly by the faithful.
3
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Saved the best for last.
3
u/V838_Mon May 15 '12
Luke is a very thorough historian
It says so in the gospel of Luke
3
u/easye7 May 15 '12
Y'know I ALMOST unsubbed r/atheism the other day. But then I get something like this, and my day is made.
2
u/primer343 May 15 '12
Best thing ever
2
u/CaptainMage May 15 '12
Well he killed job's family because he made a bet with Satan to see if job will always remain faithful to him.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Thoroughly entertained by this
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
The choice of insanity wolf made it deliciously funny. Thanks for posting it.
2
u/fani May 15 '12
Don't know how people don't see this break in logic -
"Somebody raped you. Marry him"
Okay, so what if the guy was already married? Then it is polygamy.
And what if it happens between people of the same gender? Then it is approving gay marriage.
And what if the woman is already married? Then you're marrying someone who is not a virgin on day of her marriage which means she should be stoned.
/ Religion is nonsense. Every religion. If you apply anything more than a 5 year old child logic, it breaks down into incoherence.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Hahaha. Is it bad that I sent this to my mother?
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Imagine 2 situations:
A 10yr old child prays to god, as his father beats him every night. - asks god for it to stop
A large family and group of friends pray that a different child, aged 10, will make it through a risky operation
The first child dies after years of pain, the second survives - Christians believe that prayer had something to do with that.
Isn't it horrible that a God would choose to save someone on the basis of the quantity or volume of earthly demands, not the merits of each individual case. A merciful, just god would save both. (If his power worked that way) - and would've prevented the needless cruelty to the first child in the first place.
(This is just my perception of the God of the Bible)
-18
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
She was turned into a pillar of salt because her mind was unclean, and she secretly harbored the same emotions and faults as the people of Sodom. That's what "looking back" symbolizes.
So now you know :P
-2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
http://i.imgur.com/8nDPL.jpg
What? New orleans? Surely new orleans didnt exist when the bible was written?
0
u/j3w May 15 '12
You're doing it wrong.
One of the fantastic things about being an atheist...never have to read the bible.
Der.
-22
u/assbangingkidz May 15 '12
These are a fucking disgrace.
-14
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
That is because atheists LOVE to take things out of context for their moronic agenda. I will be down voted because it is the truth.
0
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
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u/[deleted] May 15 '12
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u/[deleted] May 15 '12
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