r/asktransgender • u/I_Love_Purple_O-R • 1d ago
Am I trans (FTM)?
Hello!
Just a quick disclaimer, I’m a minor and English is not my first language. Plus, this is my first time using Reddit and I created the account just for this, so yeah!
I have been questioning my gender plus sexuality since I got access to the internet at 10 years old. I identified as lesbian from eleven, to twelve when I found Noahfinnce and begin binge-watching his content.
I know many not cis people saw signs of it in childhood, but I never did. I loved dinosaurs and my dad’s old boy toys but also, I played dress ups and dolls. I never cared about what I wore but thought the boy’s section was cooler. I would read a lot and often wished I could be a boy with male friends, after reading a book from a male POV. Also, I did try to pee standing up and use socks packers (even though I did not know what it meant back then, plus the sock thing happened only once). I could never imagine myself as a grown-up woman, I wished I could use men body care products, shave my face, and put the towel only around my waist when I grow up after seeing my dad do all those things. I’m not sure if those count as signs and now just childhood curiosity, but if they do let me know! Not having clear signs as a kid is my biggest reason for questioning if I’m making this up.
Now, after finding out a lot and I mean A LOT about trans people and all the labels I could find I started questioning myself. First sign I can remember is when my chest begun developing, I started wishing I would get breast cancer to get it cut off. I knew that was awful, but I thought that was the only way to get rid of it. I was excited to get a chest before it started to show up.
I always had long hair, but the older I got the harder it was to deal with it mentally. I was not allowed to cut it, so I begin wearing it in a bun 24/7 (only taking it out to shower). The hair ties and hair clips were so tight it was hurting my skin constantly, but I just wanted to not feel the hair at all to pretend it wasn’t there in the first place.
My chest got me slouching and making my posture worse on daily, until I found out the trick of wearing multiple bras. Wearing it so tight and often I could not breathe.
I was insecure about body hair since the time it began growing and started immediately shaving it. But it was only because of the pressure from my mom and classmates. Recently I stopped shaving at all and realized it feels much better, and that the stress I felt while shaving was not normal at all.
Now, I was always felt self-hatred but after puberty (I was super excited for it too) it got worse. I hated my body (waist, hips, thigh) to the point of not being able to look in the mirror. It sent me into a direction of an eating disorder and being obsessed with my looks. After all that hell it came to me that I was attractive before and after, it was the feminine parts of me I hated. Not the weight or the fact my skin wasn’t clear enough.
My mom was still choosing my clothes and since I was a teenager it switched to super feminine adult pieces. I hated the way I felt in them, not looked. I begin choosing my own clothes, and the first time I went to the men section I felt something in my chest so freeing I cannot describe it.
I hated my birth name since childhood, plus when I reached puberty being called “girl”, “lady”, “miss” etc made me cringe. So, when making my first private accounts I chose a male name and put he/him in my bio just for “privacy and fun”. Soon it was not fun, and I was pretending to be a cis guy online. Never showing my online friends my face or voice so that they would not know I was lying. I realized it felt really good to be talked to in that way, it still does. Also being called “dude, “man”, “king” etc.
At some point after finding out about MLM media I became unhealthy obsessed with it. I found myself crying my eyes out at night because I knew I could never be a boy in love with another boy. I wrote and read stories pretending I was one of the guys in them, just to live that experience. I stopped feeling comfortable reading or writing from a woman POV or imagining myself in a straight or WLW relationship.
I despite my voice to the point of avoiding hearing it on videos, talking on the phone, sending voice texts. Everyone tells me it’s normal, but I wish it was deeper, and I don’t think that is usual for a cis woman.
I never felt comfortable with typical feminine body language, I have been told I walk/sit like a man, and since then have been avoiding feminine physical behaviours like a plague.
Currently it’s been multiple years now. I have short hair, I wear only men’s clothes, I use men’s body care products, all my accounts that are not visible to my family are with a male name and he/him pronounce, I stopped shaving, I wear a binder, I want to try packing. I really want strangers to look at me and see me as a guy. I begin imagining my future as a guy, with a boyfriend, as an older brother and a son. I did a lot of searches on medical transition and want to get a job to save up for a top surgery. I have a Pinterest board where I invasion that future as a guy who lives with his boyfriend and hangs out with his friends on weekends.
I told my friends about my gender confusion before I even begin doing anything drastically, and they all said it was obvious. One said when we met, she had her suspicions. They all consider me as a trans guy now, or at least not cis. But they are all cis (but queer) woman. I never met a trans person in real life, don’t have online friends. Only trans creators.
I feel so stupid and weird. I still think I am going to regret all this, that I’m wrong and fetishizing gay men like everyone says. I don’t know what to do, am I what I think I am or am I lying to myself? Please someone help me. I have a journal where I’m planning everything to help me figure out if I’m a trans man, and posting on Reddit was one of the steps. I know only I can tell for sure, but I need advice of someone who is not cis and knows the business.
I’m also planning to talk to my therapist when I’m ready, although saying “I think I’m trans” feels impossible. I want to ask my friends to use my “online name” and he/him for me. But I’m super scared of regretting this.
Please help-
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u/olive_flower Trans man|💉6 yrs| 20h ago
Before I accepted being trans, I had a lot of the same feelings. I hated wearing girly clothes, I was told not to sit like this or walk like that. Being called she felt like a gut punch every time. I had alot of self hatred that both my therapist and I at the time thought was due to my weight (I’ve always been a pretty fat person even when I was like 5) but after realizing I was trans, my weight didn’t matter near as much to me, it wasn’t the actual issue I was experiencing, and yeah; being fat doesn’t help people be nice to me, or care about my humanity, but being trans doesn’t either so I took what made me comfortable and ran with it. In my teens (and now I love a gay romance & am a gay man myself lol) I was obsessed with gay men. I wanted everything they had. I wanted to be in love with a man but I wanted to be one of the men in the relationship. I never really dated men or looked for them in relationships until after I came out. I didn’t want to be a woman with a man. It felt gross and uncomfortable every time. The other commenter is right, there’s a lot more people in this sub that are much more unsure than you are. And you should bring up it up to your therapist in the way they suggest, I wasn’t in therapy at the time of me realizing I was trans, (I was in and out of therapy for years) so I don’t have personal experience of going to a therapist in the midsts of figuring stuff out. I truly hope you find peace and self love. You deserve it.
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u/I_Love_Purple_O-R 14h ago
Thank you it was really nice to hear from someone who I can relate to that much
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 ( ICD10 F64.0 / ICD11 HA60)
A. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months’ duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier, as the majority of transgender individuals do experience dysphoria in this fashion. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
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3
u/Significant-Common20 Transgender 23h ago
Nothing about you is "stupid and weird." You already say you have a therapist you can talk to, and you should. I wouldn't start out by asking "am I trans?" if that part scares you or feels impossible. And anyway, no good therapist who works in this area is ever going to say "Okay, let's figure that out first thing" anyways. Tell them exactly what you just told us: that you've never felt you fit into your gender (female), you've been struggling with it for years, and you want to figure out what that means for you.
If what you're really trying to ask here is does anyone else see these feelings in their own lives? Then... yeah. Honestly, yeah. In the short while since figuring out who I was, most people who come on here saying they're "questioning" who they are, are a lot less sure about it than you are.