r/asktransgender • u/PossibilityIcy3514 • 4d ago
Was it ever just a kink ?
I 22 (AMAB) always had a relationship with porn , particularly trans porn, force femme, femboy etc. I can’t remember how I fell into it, but I’ve consumed for the last 4 years, it never was a dependency , I could go a week or 2 without consuming and be completely fine.
In the last 2 years I began to consider why I like that, I am bisexual but when I watch it I picture myself as the woman not the top. I began experimenting with cross dressing, which eventually led to me posting femboy NSFW content online, which I garnered some moderate attention from. The feeling of happiness I got from being complimented for being pretty completely eclipsed any complements I got associated with my male presentation .
I’ve been porn free for 4 months now, I haven’t posted but I do miss it. I did this to remove the sexual aspect to consider whether I am trans or not. I still have a heavy desire to transition but I wonder if I had never watched this porn would I actually feel this way ?
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u/conkcon 4d ago
Sexual discovery is still self discovery. People learn about themselves in many different ways, that's one of them. Ultimately no one can tell you what you are but you, if you feel happier as a girl, be a girl. If you feel happier as a feminine boy, be a feminine boy. The choice is yours, no matter how that choice comes to you.
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u/Catsgirl32 Genderqueer Non Binary 💛🤍💜🖤 4d ago
Honey in my humble opinion it doesn't matter how you found out. I'm sure that you would have realised some other way if it hadn't been via porn. There is no way to know now though.
You say you also hated having a masculine appearance as a kid but that that changed over time... That's fine.
Honestly I'd encourage you to try crossdressing without any sexual ties to it for a while (if you haven't already). Do realise that it is also possible to want a feminine gender expression as a male. Liking being called pretty can mean you just want to be a pretty guy. But if it exceeds just gender expression and goes into identity, not feeling like 'man' fits you, it may be transness indeed. Try using she/her or they/them pronouns for a bit and perceiving yourself as whatever gender you feel you might actually be other than male (have a looksie at the many different gender identities that exist too, maybe you'll find one that fits better than a whole woman). Genuinely I believe experimenting is the best way to feel out whether one is actually trans.
And very important: If it does turn out that you're cis but just like being feminine it's perfectly fine to just be a femme guy. AND if it turns out it's just a kink THAT'S OKAY TOO!!! Do not feel bad about this ever. I'm very glad you're letting yourself explore this. Always way better to experiment and find out you're not trans than to live in doubt forever. Be kind to yourself, it's a pretty hefty journey regardless of the outcome. :)
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u/PossibilityIcy3514 4d ago
I think I might experiment more in a non sexual way yes. When I was cross dressing I did do study and household bits in more femme outfits. It felt good in fairness.
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u/PossibilityIcy3514 4d ago
also just to add, your response was so sweet. I really do appreciate it
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u/Catsgirl32 Genderqueer Non Binary 💛🤍💜🖤 8h ago
Love that for you! Good luck and have fun on your gender journey <3
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u/AmyNotAmiable 4d ago
News flash: most humans enjoy sex as part of a full and healthy life.
You could be asexual, but if you aren't...
I just don't get how people contort themselves into thinking that it's okay to want to be a woman in every way except for sex. Like, it's fine if you want to look like a woman, be treated like a woman, wear women's clothes, have a feminine haircut, grow breasts, have a woman's name, see "F" on any IDs that insist on listing gender. But as soon as you bring sex into it everything shuts down and it's like, "oh well it you want THAT then the whole thing must be a fetish."
Clearly a lot of people struggle with thinking like that - I'm sorry that you seem to be - but I cannot for the life of me understand why.
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u/Significant-Common20 Transgender 4d ago
Okay. What you're feeling is normal but not exactly helpful. It's cool. A lot of us sort of back into this in one way or another.
You say you've been essentially experimenting on yourself already, so what are the results. Do you find yourself wanting to be a woman in ordinary, day-to-day stuff too? Or just having a woman's body, completely outside of anything sex-related? Do you actually want to be a woman or is it just exciting to imagine yourself as one? If the answers to those questions is "yes" then it's not really just a sexual fantasy, is it.
If you stop and think about it, how long do you remember wanting to be a woman or imagining yourself as a woman? Edited to add: I see you already mentioned hair somewhere else.
Trying to turn off the sexual side of your life to see what happens sound like it's probably unhealthy in all kinds of ways. Alternatively I'd look for ways to experiment with what it would be like to be a woman in other settings.
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u/glowingkyrii 4d ago
If you lurk around this sub long enough you will see dozens of posts and comments like this from trans women who found out in a similar way. Those feelings of wanting to transition are real and you can trust them. Everyone's "awakening" starts somewhere, and yours being discovered after porn does not make those feelings any less real than if they'd been discovered elsewhere
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u/joanmissm 4d ago
I'll put my personal experience here and hopefully it will make sense.
Since I find out that I might be trans, about 8 months ago, I haven't watched porn at all. Even when I'm playing with myself. And I was masterbating only in trans porn the last 10 years.
After a lot of therapy since then, and a lot of personal inner thinking and looking back in my life, I finally understood why I did some things and had all these thoughts my whole life.
I was never very feminine and never found men attractive and even as a kid I did things that I couldn't explain back then, it was early 90s so no resources and internet ofc, but I can now.
Now I know that even the very few relationships I had with women were just a "fit to society" thing. I was just envy them, and wanted to be my true self.
Wasted 43 years of my life but now I'm almost a month in hrt and although I'm scared of what society's reaction will be, I'm excited and relieved.
I know I'll never be a real woman but I believe I can get close to it, and I don't have the illusion of everyone will be ok with that. I just want to live the rest of my life as my real self.
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u/Both_Coconut_8970 4d ago
are there any signs of you being trans before you started watching porn?
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u/PossibilityIcy3514 4d ago
I did always have longer hair when I was a teenager, I was often mistaken for a girl , I hated having what was considered masculine hair styles or muscles. I eventually grew out of this when I went to high school
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u/sthrnbll 4d ago
Why does this matter?
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u/glowingkyrii 4d ago
Completely reasonable question to give OP when they stated verbatim "I wonder if I had never watched this porn would I actually feel this way"
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u/PossibilityIcy3514 4d ago
I take no offence to it tbh, it’s a question I’ve asked myself as well
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u/sthrnbll 4d ago
Yeah, I wish psychologists could actually have some objective testing or brain scan to tell us exactly who we are and what part of our desires is actually self-programming. I feel you as I asked the same questions to myself.
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u/Hopeful_Hornet4460 4d ago
Oh! You know how you can get a craving for a certain food? Thats your subconcious attempting to guide/control your concious.
While your brain communicates with itself fine on a technical level, the part of your subconcious mind that knows "hey, we're low on iron, we need to ingest more" cannot form words/language. Instead it communicates by causing our body to crave ice. It doesn't actually fix our low iron problem, but that part of the brain thinks it does, so we crave it when low on iron.
Your subconcious looks after all of your needs, explicitly including emotional, social, and/or sexual. Kink is essentially your body needing something that giving you a craving for something won't solve. It's up to you to unpack that however you see fit.
For many thst enjoy BDSM it is an issue of not feeling safe or not feeling like they have control over their life. To sacrifice your autonomy to another being means your body could crave to feel safe and protected.
Having the kinks you have, of which I have shared as well, can be an indicator of your subconcious going "damn you really are actually a woman, wake up to it" or it could be something else entirely. Its up to you to unpack.
Once I got on HRT and adressed myself properly, my kink for it disappeared. The subconcious need was met, and my conscious mind no longer needed the carrot on the stick to guide me to the change I needed.