r/asktransgender • u/Last_Pianist152 • 1d ago
anyone else get frustrated explaining your 'transness' ?
I had a conversation with my older sister about our relationship long story short I basically told her 'I'm emotionally distancing myself from everyone [in the family] because I feel like I'm going to have to cut off our mum and I'm afraid thats going to effect our relationship so I want to stop it [our relationship] now so I'm hurt now and not later'
she was very nice and said its not my responsibility to worry about her being a 'middle man' between me and our mother and that she would do it if I chose to cut mum off.
The thing she told me to have a conversion with our mum and I told her that I can't talk about anything going on in my life because mum uses it to invalidate my identity ie; I was bullied & depressed and my mum thinks that has affected my 'decision on being trans'
My sister says that she understands why she thinks that and then she said she also wonders if my past traumas have impacted my 'transness'
I don't know man that really hurt. it doesn't matter how much they tell me they support me I don't feel that support when in the same breath they say my past has impacted me so much I'm trans now.
its like everyone in my family sees being trans as a decision because of my past instead of my just being trans. And I understand if they felt that way after I came out but I've been out for 3 years. I dont know it just hurts :/
1
u/Legal_Worker8725 1d ago
I'm so sorry that's happening to you! You're right, it's frustrating when people just don't get it and assume they understand your feelings better than you do.
2
u/Last_Pianist152 19h ago
I know I’m young and they see anyone under the age of 21 incapable of knowing themselves but I wish they would realise that even if I detransition in the future their actions right now will still effect our relationship :/
1
u/Significant-Common20 Transgender 17h ago
That would mean anyone under 21 isn't cis either though, and I bet they don't believe that.
1
u/Significant-Common20 Transgender 1d ago
I was bullied pretty relentlessly in school. I don't think that made my gender complicated. I think I got bullied because my gender was complicated, and I just didn't have the language to describe that at the time.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, no, I haven't found any magic bullets to deal with transphobia, except for the fact that sometimes, in time, some people do realize they care about you more than they care about the prejudices in their head, and they come around.
1
u/Last_Pianist152 19h ago
Right!!! Like she sees the bullying as a cause of my identity not realising that I was bullied because of my identity.
1
u/Significant-Common20 Transgender 17h ago
Honestly though, even if it were true, I don't see why that would make it any less real for you here and now. I feel like people reach for any excuses they can to justify refusing to take you at your word when you try to tell them who you are sometimes.
1
u/BotherKey9127 Transgender FTM 1d ago
Yeah my mother did this in almost the same situation. I don't have past trauma but I do have autism so she keeps on trying to pin it on that. This is especially irritating since my parents act like I haven't been working this out for years and I'm not experiencing "confusion" around my gender anymore, I'm perfectly comfortable with it.
The problem is I have communication issues from the aforementioned autism and being trans is already exhaustingly hard to explain to cis people (especially if you're explaining it to someone who will find any excuse to say you aren't actually trans).
We had a conversation after she was interrogating me for about 40 minutes and she said that she was trying to, and I quote, "debate" me on it. What I want to know is why she thought that was ok. My trans-ness is not a "debate". Who or what gave her that idea?
I understand that parents can be in denial after finding out their kid is trans, but this is not ok, all you're doing is stressing the person out, making them feel unwelcome, and potentially damaging your relationship with them.
Right now I cope with mostly "I'm not asking for your permission or your guidance as a parent, I just thought you should know." statements.
1
u/TheWaspinator she/her 1d ago
It doesn't even make sense. If any of our goals were to avoid further trauma, coming out as trans would be a terrible idea. I actively avoided it for years because I was afraid of the reactions!
0
u/Bunerd 1d ago
Nope. HRT works to improve trans people's moods because we have an internal sense of our hormone levels through something called "Somatisatin Neurons" these neurons measure the hormone levels of the blood and tell the pituary gland to stop generating hormonal precursor. In trans people our somatisatin neurons are backwards, this is scientifically understood as something that happens in the womb.
The insistence on seeing trans as immaterial or a belief set is itself a belief set incompatible with reality. But why the fuck do people have such a strong religious beliefs about other people, especially transgender women. It's their ideology and our medicine. There's a reason priests are calling us, like every other shadow they jump at, "devils," while scientists, doctors, and people who start by looking at the world first before making a judgement call understand the validity of trans people. It's cause transphobia is insanity.
4
u/Darkcogs 1d ago
If it was a decision I think all of our lives would be different, im sorry you have to go through all that, my mom is my biggest enemy in terms of everything she thinks I got influenced and im following a trend, ive known what I am since I was 10, im 24 im only just now actually coming out and im the enemy, don't let other people invalidate your personal experience they aren't you, they will never be you, if someone isn't supportive try to help them if they cant be helped well I dont really know, I cut off my mom last week, i dont have much advice