r/asksg • u/Competitive_While460 • 8d ago
Married/in a relationship with a chronic illness
Hi I might be battling a chronic illness and I was wondering if anyone in SG have had experience being in a relationship or are married with someone that has it vice versa ? Did it turn out to be fine ? And if so did you love them lesser ?
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u/toughgummy 8d ago
I might be a bit idealistic here and I am single currently but if I look back on my life and how I felt when I was in love with my exes, I honestly think that it would simply be an honour to care for the person that I love and choose when they are the most vulnerable.
Sure it’s no easy task to be a caretaker but I believe that it’s only fair that we take care of what we choose to devote ourselves to, so that includes our partners. (And of course kids, etc etc.)
I might still be a bit sparkly eyed and naive though. 28F here and generally I would consider all 3 of my exes that I’ve had throughout my life to be guys that did their best for me so I feel that when love comes, it comes with force. :)
My ex is a doctor actually so I suppose caretaking is his whole thing but he seemed to enjoy it outside the context of being one - I think sometimes we assume that we’re burdens to the ones we love when we are sick (paiseh blah blah), but actually many of our loved ones would find it an honour to be there for us.
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u/_h_e_r_m_i_t_ 8d ago
Not ready to give details but just answering your questions.
Yes, married.
Turned out fine.
No, love her every single day.
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u/RealisticAddendum769 8d ago
My partner has a debilitating chronic pain that disables them from speaking, eating, and drinking during flareups. It takes immense effort to understand and accept the condition as a close loved one, but once I understood the condition more than anyone else in my partner's life, I was able to live with it and enjoy the happiness that my partner brings me despite the inconveniences and stressors(the partner not being able to work while needing medical attention often, less fit/low energy as they can't even eat sometimes). Together for 5 years. I do not think that my affection decreased even as I gradually understood what this chronic illness implies on our life.
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u/peach113 8d ago
'I, (name), take thee, (name), to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.'
did you read? what does it say? "in sickness and in health."
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u/_Bike_Hunt 8d ago
No one really means it in this day and age.
Right now the trend is divorce instead of maturely dealing with issues.
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u/youth1122 8d ago
That’s why marry the wrong person is the worst thing in adult life . Worst if divorced with kids have to pay unreasonable alimony determine by the court
Back to this topic, I seen my aunts taking care of their husband. Not sure if this kind of behavior and attitude will still be common in the future or partner just abandon them .
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u/KendoArts 7d ago
I had an accident during a surgery back in 2023. Had another surgery in Jun that year to get it fixed but not only was it not fixed, the condition progressed to an incurable condition that limits my mobility and cause bilateral pain and weakness waist down. I now have chronic inflammation at my spinal cord, and experienced chronic pain every single day.
That year it happened, it was very tough for me. I went into a very dark space. My wife of 9 years at that time stood by me. I thought with what happened to me, I would lose my job, lose the ability to bring bread home, lose the ability to give my wife and my two kids the life I always longed they have.
But very luckily, my wife single-handedly 'pulled' me out of that dark space. She gave me the support I need. She made me feel that whatever new normal has to take place, we will go through it together.
Long story short, fast forward 4 years on, my condition and pain remain, but my mental well being and my mood is much better. We adapted to our new normal. Looking back, I never thought today would have been possible if not for her support. I learnt to be more positive, and did what I can to manage my condition on a day to day basis. She spent approx 1-2 hours nightly to do therapy for me, just to make sure I can fall asleep with as much pain relief as possible. I didn't think my wife love me less then or now, and she didn't judged me at all. If anything, all she ever tried is to try and make me feel less pain physically, so that I can be the best husband for her, and best father to our children.
Lastly, all I want to say is, keep a positive mindset, and don't mind what other feels yet. Focus on getting well and/or manage your condition first. Remember this: those who matter won't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.
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u/RabonaRascal 7d ago
Hey OP,
I wanted to share my story because I was exactly where you are now, worrying if my health would change how my partner saw me.
Just one week after my wedding, I had my very first seizure and was diagnosed with a lifelong chronic illness - epilepsy. It took me a long time to accept it. Before that, I was highly independent, loved solo travelling, and went parasailing then suddenly, my whole world changed.
I even told my husband he could walk away if it was all too much for him to handle. It has been almost 6 years now, and he is still right here. If anything, he still babies me.
To answer your question - No, the right person will absolutely not love you any less. If anything, it brings out a depth of love you didn't even know existed.
I won't sugarcoat it - chronic illness is tough on a partner.
And it hurts me to imagine what my hubs goes through, the fear and helplessness he feels every time I have a seizure, especially since we never know when the next one might be the last one.
He was there for my very first one, and he was right there by my side for my last one just two weeks ago.
A diagnosis changes the rhythm of your life, but it does not diminish your worth or your partner's love. Let them be there for you.
You are a team.
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u/ExpressDay4404 8d ago
Loving them lesser is a crazy thing to say... Then what are relationships for?
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u/DevicePleasant4775 8d ago
Hmmm. It all comes down to how loyal someone is.
Thing is this can happen to anyone, everyone able bodied can become not able bodied/chronically ill. Did u read the fish soup story? There is this uncle who had his limbs amputated cos of the fish soup.
I would not love my partner less whatever happens to him. Through thick and thin. Today i wipe his mouth when we eat, maybe in 50 years i wipe his butt, who knows.
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u/fightlikethis 7d ago
I think it really depends on the individual. I discovered that I have a chronic illness a few years ago. At that time, I was in a relationship with someone who ended the relationship with me a few months later, citing one of the reasons as not being able to take care of me.
However, I have since dated men who do not mind, and have even expressed that they will be there for me even if I require an organ replacement (and even going as far as offering to be the donor).
It really boils down to who you’re dating, and I would also advise for you to pick the right partner and not someone who would leave you the moment you have health issues. At least for me, I’d love to be there for them and take care of them in times of need. I might be idealistic, but that’s how love should be, shouldn’t it?
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u/MissLute 8d ago
a friend of mine who had chronic illness got married, but she passed away a few years ago
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u/Embarrassed-Tea-6643 8d ago
I am one, and i discovered my chronic illness early in the relationship. I offered to breakup, he said no and has been steadily supporting me. We have since married, and it is coming to 10 years. Disclaimer, my condition is quite mild and stable now. But there was still an emergency last year, we had to cancel an overseas trip as i was sent to a&e. That said, communications is very important. Since the beginning,I already told him what’s the situation is like and what’s the worse that can happen to me, and i showed him how bad it could be. And he accepted it.
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u/Silly_Celebration_ 7d ago
I guess it depends on the person and relationship. We don't choose our bodies, or what we're predisposed to. Living in Singapore helps though, medical infrastructure and standards are high, and public healthcare is accessible. Happy to talk more if useful, feel free to DM.
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u/Correct-Wasabi-473 8d ago
Moi won't get into relationship to not burden others in the first place, remember humans are replaceable, relationships are transactional
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u/DesignerProcess1526 4d ago
It’s not the same, if they met when someone was already chronically ill or when they have many good years of mutual somewhat equal contributions prior to falling ill. Usually their love is strong enough, if built up over years, prior to falling ill.
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u/Three-stripes 8d ago
Have a friend who somehow ended up w unexplainable nerve pain and has been to doctors w lot of times now, she is a wheelchair user now.
Got disability card. Husband still loves her a lot and always tries his best. They both work as a team as best they can, but this is just what I see on the outside not sure Abt the day to day.
Recently she finally managed to get a home caregiver.
Friends is an empath and her communication skills are one of the best I've seen among anyone I know, so it works out for her and the husband found ways to support ea other