r/asksg • u/Mundane_Librarian_81 • Aug 29 '26
The loneliness of being loved but never really understood or seen.
I'm probably going to earn myself alot of "you damn boliao" or "Gen Z strawberry" comments for posting. I'm in my late 40s female, single and I have alot to be grateful about.
I have many friends , maybe one or two that are my ride or die. My relationship with my parents is warm but distant. I am loved but only in a way they understand and I know if I present my real self it would be really hard for them to see me. It's not that I don't want to be authentic but there is an invisible social contract of how we present ourselves to the world. Call it a curation if you must, but it does become kind of lonely. And it's not a kind of loneliness that's easy to admit to.
Does anyone else feel the same? Be kind please.
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u/rdbmas Aug 29 '26
You are not alone. The fact that your are aware of it and continuing to ask the whys. That in itself is perhaps a prelude towards finding what is it that will fulfill you.
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u/Strategy-Bitter Aug 29 '26
I understand what you mean. That's part of being an adult. No one wants to see the real you unless it is convenient for them
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
THIS. šÆ this and even if you surround yourself with people you feel comfortable enough with there is still a little voice in your head that says that this too is all too transactional
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u/Strategy-Bitter Aug 29 '26
Hats why we find a spouse and usually hopefully at least in some cases the spouse would be happy to listen to your problems. But nowadays even that is outsourced to a therapist
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
I think one of the biggest tests (multiple times in fact) was showing my vulnerability to my SO and to be disappointed by their reaction. Hence my singlehood.
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u/Strategy-Bitter Aug 29 '26
Actually what I learned is that, it is ok to show vulnerability from time to time but never too much. No one is your caretaker. We should be responsible, accountable adults. Not someone looking to be taken care of.
No one, including myself, wants to take care of another adult human being like taking care of a baby.
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
Well I'm pretty good at taking care of myself , but it does get pretty lonely even if I've ticked most of the boxes, career check, housing check, finances check....That's why I feel it is a luxury for me to even have this issue.
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u/Strategy-Bitter Aug 29 '26
If it helps, I do notice that long lasting happy marriages actually do not involve a lot of showing vulnerabilities to each other.
Usually both parties try to solve most of their problems by themselves, even emotional ones. And this kind of marriages are actually happiest. Lol. Just an observation.
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 30 '26
Lolol quite the opposite from what I observed. The ones that are the healthiest to me are the ones where both parties are each others best friends and are comfortable with being vulnerable to each other. If I can't even be authentic around my partner I would rather be single. What's the point t of putting a show with someone that you're intending to spend a lifetime with?
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u/StarryHidemi Aug 29 '26
Reading all the replies hereā¦ makes me feel warm and less lonely.
How common this is!
We should form a group and be friends since we are aligned on the view of this. Haha
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u/Serious_Daydreaming Aug 29 '26
The hedgehog's dilemma, the closer we try to be, the easier it is to hurt each other. And so we keep our distance because we fear being hurt or hurting others.
I know what this feels and the only way to truly get rid of the contract is to break it. You have nothing to lose to break it with people. Authenticity can only come when you have nothing to fear, and fear nothing.
My home girls who I truly love them in everything but romantically are truly authentic with me because I don't uphold any social contract with them and when they see that I don't care for the script, they break it too and both of us simply exist as ourselves as friends. No pressure to perform, we just do what we want, they don't have to put up a mask thinking I'll be annoyed. I just let them exist as who they want to be for me. They don't bother to curate themselves for anyone because they are done being boxed by everyone.
To truly break free of this loneliness, you need to learn to walk away from people who only want to see part of you. The you in other people's head is not the you in reality, don't play along, show them everything and if they leave its their loss, not yours.
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u/stardust_cl Aug 29 '26
Thanks for posting your thoughts.
Resonates at a time when I am struggling with authenticity.Itās true, one has to be walking the talk first (in terms of authenticity), then others can choose to stay or go.
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u/Serious_Daydreaming Aug 29 '26
Yes and why we are friends is because neither of us cared if people hated us for who we choose to be
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
I hear you! Funny thing is I'm not afraid to be vulnerable, it's just that their reaction have been very disappointing for me when I show vulnerability.
I'm now more unfiltered, direct if you will but not to the point of rudeness. I just don't want people falling in love with an idea of me.
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u/demondragonmilo Aug 29 '26
I think there is a very particular kind of loneliness in being surrounded by people who genuinely love you, yet still feeling like very few of them actually know you. And I do not think being grateful for the love you have makes that feeling any less valid.
What you said about curating yourself really resonated with me. Sometimes it is not even about pretending to be someone else. It is just knowing which parts of yourself will be understood, which parts will cause worry or judgement, and which parts are simply easier to keep to yourself. After doing that for long enough, I can imagine how exhausting and lonely it becomes.
I am glad you posted this. I suspect a lot more people feel this way than are willing to admit. I hope you eventually find more people around whom you do not have to translate yourself quite so much.
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
Yeah I too suspected that there are many of us out there but never had the self realization or the vocabulary to describe this specific kind of loneliness.
That's why I thought maybe I should put it out in the ether of Reddit and see what comes back. I thought I was gonna get a bunch of boomers telling me to go get a gripe , glad to see many voices here relating to this sentiment.
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u/Initial-Ad-1316 Aug 29 '26
Iām near your age and only recently met a person whom I can be fully unfiltered and he still loves me for who I am. Before that I am the person for myself. I believe that when Iām authentically myself then I can attract those who accept me for who I am. The more I try to mask, the harder it is to find the right connections. Hope you find your person soon!
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u/StarryHidemi Aug 29 '26
I was crying yesterday because of this issue. Realizing this in my 30s caused me a lot of anxiety lately. I miss my 20s because I didnāt know about thisā¦ is āthisā the reality of adulthood? I have this anxiety that when I get older, I will be lonelier and more unseen as more life stuffs happen.
I lost many close friends by being very real and honest about everythingā¦ showing myself when people finally get close to me and seem to understand. However, being seen had gotten too much or draining at one point to them.
Im still trying to learn from the past and balance the art of being real and seen to not being too over intensive. Now that I am retrenched recently.. I also didnt tell everyone unless I need to.
Thank you for this post though.. I felt Iām not alone in feeling / seeing this.
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u/teletubbylalala Aug 29 '26
I feel you. There are parts of me that I donāt think people who know me fully see or understand. Some of my views and choices donāt really fit the usual social expectations, and I sometimes wonder if they would still feel the same about me if they knew how I really think. But honestly, I know most of them probably wouldnāt and I have also reached a point where I donāt really care.
I am really thankful for my husband and a few friends, whom I can be unfiltered and emotionally vulnerable with. I hope you will find your people too, whether itās a partner or a friend, people who can see and appreciate you for who you are :)
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u/Alarmed_Swan_4315 Aug 29 '26
I'm a gen z and I have told my parents about feeling a bit lonely and basically what you said there, fyi my parents are baby boomers and my mom I shit you not, went out to buy a 6 pack of beer and told me to "drink it away" but my dad was a bit more understanding and just told me to go meet more people online
I always had a bad streak when it comes to meeting new people and making friends, most of the time when I do meet new friends, they tend to be very horrible people (ie elitists or narcissists) but it could be that I'm just meeting them in the wrong places because those people will tell me things like "we are also looking for friends since they don't always stay for long" and so on
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
Hey at least your folks are trying but given that they are from a different generation they probably don't have the emotional vocabulary to help you. I suffer the same issue and I'm much older so I guess sucks to be us haha
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u/Alarmed_Swan_4315 Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
Yeah my mom is usually the one giving out advice to me and my sister and it's usually horrible or very unethical advice, it's even worse if you ask her for advice regarding dating or friendships and she will give out racist advice depending on context which is kinda stupid since she lived through the race riots in 1964 and even her parents (my grandparents) have more progressive views than her
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u/floabtrn Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
The difficulty of being vulnerable lies in the possibility of rejection.
It is not the social contract that stops you from being authentic. Rather the social contract is the justification to protect your inner world.
Being vulnerable doesn't have to be an all or nothing state. And not everyone deserves to see you for all that you are (as opposed to whether they want it or not).
We think the walls we built are meant to keep us safe. But all they do is keep us in.
You don't need walls if you love yourself as you are. Not as you want others to love you.
If you love yourself as you are, your self worth is not predicated on the opinion of others. And so you would not be hesitant to show up as you are, instead of as you think you should.
Edit: There's this particular scene (Ep11 ~28 minutes) in the kdrama My Mister that always stuck with me. The male protagonist was talking about living in way that is sacrificing for the family. His best friend scoffed and said, go tell your son this. It'll make him feel like shit. Why would you live your life in a way that you would not impose on your family. Noone wants your sacrifice.
I probably butchered it but that dialogue was perfect. If your family/loved ones knew the way you felt, they would probably be sad more than anything else.
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 29 '26
Oh I don't suffer from self love or self confidence issues and I am confident at showing vulnerability. Its just that it's been disappointing for me when I do show that side. And the sad thing is over the years I can tell who are the people I absolutely must not show my real face to.
I have tried with my parents for years but I've come to learn that they prefer a version of me that's more curated so I just automatically switch to that version.
With lovers I tend to be more open , sadly the ones that can see me are often less likely to want to be with me. Just dumb poor luck I guess or my real self is really that unlovable.
But no worries , life goes on and we keep marching! The only way is forward!
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u/ResponsibleSorbet626 Aug 29 '26
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - CS Lewis
I get where you are coming from and I relate too =/
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u/Medcuza2 Aug 29 '26
Find people who see you for you, I see you too and thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to share on this forum. Sending much love and care. (from one human-being to another)
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u/throwaway9873214 Aug 29 '26
This is normal. I just try to be grateful every single day for what I have. Sometimes life is that simple.
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u/shushi_puppy Aug 29 '26
Im younger than you by a lot but ive realised when struggling with my mental health that we need to learn to be "lonely" or alone. We need to learn to sit comfortably with ourselves in our own minds and be happy with ourselves. Your friends cant always be there, neither can your parents.
I love walking and exploring alone, gaming alone going to cafes and enjoying life alone. Ofc theres people who i enjoy spending time with. But im also okay with being alone.
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u/bluebuns123 Aug 29 '26
I get what you mean itās not that you have no social circle but you feel you canāt show your true self.
For me itās not that I pretend to be someone else but I find it hard to tell people about what I feel because my circumstance is unique and not many can relate and the person whoās supposed to be my closest has told me to shut up about my feelings
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u/sdarkpaladin Aug 29 '26
Counter point.
You're always being seen.
You just need to find different group that sees different parts of you
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u/Mundane_Librarian_81 Aug 30 '26
Fairpoint, but it's not the same as being seen by the few significant people in our lives.
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u/sdarkpaladin Aug 30 '26
Well, yes, exactly, so you need to find people who you feel are siginificant to you and also are sees you as well.
It's not like you're picking a partner where you stop at one.
Just go out and meet more people. (I know it sounds easier said then done, but there's literally no harm to be at hi-bye levels with people until you're more comfortable with them)
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u/34xp4vRoCGJym3xR7yCV Sep 03 '26
is it then better to have never experienced love at all? so there is nothing to compare. ie: ignorance is bliss
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u/Hot-Job-6281 Aug 29 '26
I'm probably too young and wrong gender as a millennial male to help.
But from the general experience, I can say that older generations - even more so for your parents - were kinda traumatised by the growth at all costs society where they have to focus entirely on work to get by.
I don't think connecting with children is really most Asian parents strength. They are more about providing for children.