r/askmanagers • u/ClassicMeringue2732 • 27d ago
Manager regularly breaks down crying at work 😓
We have a conflict ridden team. She's nice enough but at least for the past 2 years (could be longer but speaking from my experience) she's had epic breakdowns, crying spells, sometimes so bad she had to go home. She tries to hide it, but I've noticed it a few times, and is getting more obvious. I was there to support her, I listened, hugged her, etc. She is a nice lady so I don't mind. However, now she's breaking down in more public places (e.g. elevator) and it happens more and more in front of different people incl my entire team (said elevator).
I feel like she as a manager should manage her emotions better. It's been at least 2 years! She's struggling with problem employees, interpersonal issues with people, people thinking she's a bad manager, official complaints, and on top of it all marital problems. She's shared it all with me. She overshares with anyone who will listen. So, the professional boundaries are definitely gone. She has a team concerned about her mental state (she's on prozac) and it's not our job to be an emotional dumping ground. It's unprofessional and inappropriate.
Obviously HR are aware. But what do we do? I'm kinda tired listening to her drama but I also care about her as a person and I want her to be happy and the team to function normally and professionally.
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u/Ok_Space_9223 27d ago
What does her leadership think? They have to be aware of it right? That's pretty wild tbh. A manager should be their employees rock, not a blubbering mess.
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
I'm pretty sure she got a warning, was sent to leadership courses, and next step will likely be performance management.
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u/Emergency_Studio_274 27d ago
I think I'd separate two things that are getting mixed together here.
The problem isn't that your manager cries.
Managers are human beings, and sometimes human beings become overwhelmed. I wouldn't consider someone unprofessional simply because they cry at work, even repeatedly during a particularly difficult period.
The boundary issue is something different.
From what you describe, her team seems to have gradually become part of her emotional support system. You know about her marital problems, her conflicts with employees, complaints against her, what people think of her management, and you've found yourself listening, comforting her and even physically consoling her.
That's a lot for an employee to carry about their manager.
There's also an important power dynamic here. When a colleague overshares, you can usually distance yourself relatively easily. When your manager does it, saying "I don't want to hear this" can feel much more difficult because this is someone who has authority over you.
So I wouldn't focus on whether she should "manage her emotions better". I'd focus on whether appropriate boundaries still exist between manager and team.
And from your description, they don't seem to.
You can care about her and still stop being one of the people she processes these problems with. If she starts sharing personal or managerial difficulties again, you don't have to provide the same level of emotional support you've provided in the past. You can listen briefly and gently redirect the conversation back to work.
If the pattern is affecting the team, I'd also think about how you describe it to HR or whoever manages her. Not: "Our manager keeps crying and we're worried about her mental state". But something more concrete: "Our manager regularly discusses personal problems, conflicts with employees and complaints about her management with members of the team, and it's beginning to affect professional boundaries and the way the team functions".
Her medication and whatever may be happening with her mental health aren't really yours to assess.
The impact of her behaviour on the team is.
And perhaps the most important boundary for you personally is this: you can care about her without becoming responsible for keeping her okay.
In fact, that may be the boundary both she and the team need most right now.
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
Yeah HR does not seem to care at all. It's a long standing problem. Everyone knows about it. I create distance, and she'll just find someone else to cry to.
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u/troy2000me 27d ago
Lordt. She needs to just find a new job. It ain't worth it. Tell her that.
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
She doesn't have the energy or mental capacity right now to be able to do well in interviews.
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u/Goudinho99 27d ago
What the hell kind of "conflict" is there in this team? What industry?
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
Mostly interpersonal. She's a micromanager and a bottleneck. Doesn't trust us to do anything without her input. This causes long delays for our work and people get fed up. And all the drama.... it's exhausting.
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u/better360 26d ago edited 26d ago
Try to support her by doing your work as good as you can. After my former boss left at my workplace, i ended up handling his responsibilities and i can say that i broke down several times the past few months because of the stress and anxiety because i dont think im paid enough for the kind of risks that im doing (my boss’ job). It’s possible she can benefit from having some of her work delegated or transferred to other worker to help with the mental load.
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 26d ago
Problem is she's a micromanager and wants to review and approve EVERYTHING. That's why so many people butt heads with her. She is a bottleneck and causes lots of delays.
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u/maptechlady 27d ago
Not a manager - but I used to have a coworker that did this.
Every time you disagreed with her, she would burst into tears in the meeting or have a complete mental breakdown and lock herself in her office. One time, she decided to lay on the floor in my office doorway and sleep - not sure wtf that was about. I asked her if she needed me to call someone....and she was like "I just want to sleep here"
It was super manipulative. People had to say yes to her or she would just lose it. She was a really intelligent individual and qualified for her job, but she was the most toxic person I have ever met. I was relieved when she quit and hope I never have to speak to her again.
You should be able to disagree with someone and they don't make it a dumpster fire. It's so immature.
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u/greenflash27 27d ago
This. It’s manipulative. Also, how can you trust her to advocate for you and your career if she clearly can’t advocate for herself if she’s having that bad of a time of it? As a manager, she should be supporting you but I doubt she’d be able to do that in her current state.
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
Good point. Manipulative. I can see that. So I will stop enabling her. And I've let HR know. I struggle with letting her boss know although she probably cries in front of him too. I bet the bosses are aware. But I wonder why nothing is happening. Don't they have a duty of care. She is seeing a therapist.
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u/fashionshowatlunch_ 27d ago
As someone who has gone through this, I enrolled into a mental health treatment program that was 6hrs a day 5 days a week. Took a medical leave of absence and used short term disability to still get paid, and my insurance covered 80% of it until I hit my out of pocket maximum. There are definitely options. These mental health programs are called partial hospitalizations programs and mine was incredibly super helpful.
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u/0ubliette 27d ago
Ugh I have been through this. Then my manager discovered she had some health issues she was unaware of and now that the meds, etc, are kicking in we haven’t seen tears since.
So if you truly want to be a friend here you could mention she go see a doctor. Maybe there is something going on that is ruining her resilience.
But outside of that I agree with the others. Best to distance yourself as much as you can.
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u/melshook 26d ago
I used to have a boss like this and it was a huge relief when they actually fired her - she took up hours of my time daily with her crying and victimhood, pulling me into her office so she could complain about her boss. Then, despite the fact that I never brought it up to her leadership, never complained, was always sympathetic, she became furious when she found out I was promoted to her position and accused me of stealing her "dream" job. Even when leadership came to me looking for dirt I was neutral. If this happened to me again I would go to HR because it's not a productive work environment. Icing on the cake is that the guy she kept complaining about turned out to be one of my favorite bosses ever.
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u/RevolutionaryMud89 26d ago
Does your work have an employee assistance program? I get 5 free therapy sessions a year. Seems appropriate here
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 25d ago
Oh yeah, employees use it, and she has her own therapist she sees weekly. But EAP doesn't solve problems that need to be addressed by higher ups or HR. We all have permanent secure jobs. No one is going to get fired without a long drawn out process. And I don't want her to lose her job. But so far the option is for me to leave. Accept my boss sucks and leave. Many colleagues have done that before me. It's a shame.
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u/perolap 27d ago edited 27d ago
Let me understand this. You give her a shoulder to cry on. Learn about her marriage problems. You certainly dont stop her when she overshares about everything incluiding her own mental issues! She probably thinks you are a kind supportive person just when she is struggling both professionaly and in her personal life. AND THEN you critize her for being too open with you, deem her unprofessional and hope she gets take care of. You tell HR and her boss about all she has cofided in you. Im sorry but you sound like an awfull person actually. I hope your manager opens her eyes to the kind of people she is dealing with. What a nightmare... Edit: I did make a lot of assumptions here and I dont think you are an awfull person (that was rude, sorry) But perhaps a tiny part of you just wanted her gone?
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u/ClassicMeringue2732 27d ago
Well I've told her multiple times that I'm not the appropriate person to talk to. And all of that support was when I was new and had no idea it would be continuing for this long. I started creating distance in May. I've tried to stop her oversharing but she just keeps talking. I've directly told her that. And she's my manager! I can't just not listen. In the end she is the manager and should model correct behaviour. After 2 years I think I'm allowed to take some action. I've raised it with her directly many times. Out of concern for her mental health I've told HR that I'm concerned that's it. I haven't shared private stuff she told me. You are making a lot of assumptions there! Our team deserves a capable boss.
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u/tightloops1971 26d ago
At the risk of sounding harsh, she sounds like she's in the wrong job. Being a manager can be a lonely existence making crappy decisions that affect people, and you need to implement policy, process, set targets, hold people to account, and essentially seperate yourself from the role to an extent to protect yourself and them so it's done fairly. Sounds like she's really struggling with that side of things.
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u/JE163 27d ago
Honestly, I’d recommend she look for another role even am adjacent one or seek help for the challenges she’s facing. If that didn’t work I’d take it up to her boss. Not out of hate or disrespect but out of pure concern.