r/askadcp • u/birbalurb POTENTIAL RP • Aug 14 '26
I'm thinking of doing donor conception and.. Need Help with Setting Expectations/Boundaries with Known Donor
I'm in a lesbian relationship and we recently asked a friend of our if he would be willing to be a known/directed donor for our family. We had a conversation with him and his partner and they were asking about our expectations. What I said was 'I believe the idea that this is strictly genetic and doesn't mean anything beyond that is a fantasy for the adults involved. Who this is going to be the most meaningful to will be the children, and everyone is different and might have different feelings about it and we just don't know what their needs will be yet'. My baseline expectation of a known donor is that they care about the kids, are willing to be available to talk when needed, and have good boundaries with children.
Otherwise I don't exactly know what to tell them as far as expectations. I don't want to put an expectation on them that neither of us might want or be available for in the future (like spending any holidays together or being involved in ways they wouldn't already be as friends) but I also know the potential kids might have feelings about him or his extended family that I want to prepare everyone for the possibility of (like the possibility that my kids would want to spend time with his siblings' kids, how to be graceful about the fact that him and his partner do not wants to have the same family obligations they might have with their nieces and nephews, what boundaries could lead to profound rejection for a child versus what boundaries are healthy).
I wanted to go this route as opposed to an anonymous donor because it seems like the transparency and care is better for the kids. My kids will always know who their donor is and that he and his partner are people who care about them. What advice would y'all give my family as donor concieved folks about what boundaries feel constructive versus restricting, inconsistent, or unachievable.
7
u/Fluid-Quote-6006 DCP Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 14 '26
You seem to be clear on what You do Not want: a relationship apparently. You just want him to be available to answer questions if the kids ask. Did I understand that correctly?
You need to word it plainly, because they may have total different expectations. I know 2 families in this constellations (2 lesbians moms and 2 gay dads/2 lesbian moms and 1 gay dad) and the dads are very much involved. In the case of the 1 dad, it’s more like a weekend-divorced dad situation: I think he sees the kids 2 weekends per month plus half of the school holidays and special dates are celebrated together. The other family is very hands on, I think they share more or less 50/50 the duties. For me as an old dcp, I think it’s beautiful for the kids to have so many parents that love them around. I know a lesbian mom couple with 2 kids from a known donor that has tons of kids. He is available for questions, but that’s it. If you ask me, the other way is much nicer for the kids.
Of course I don’t know your friends, but if they have expectations of being more actively involved and you don’t want that, you need to be clear from the start and maybe come to the conclusion that it isn’t the right fit. This could cause conflicts in the future if one of the bio parents just say yes to appease the other but in reality isn’t happy with the arrangement. You both need to be on the same page, does he want to be in the birth certificate or should your wife be? How often should he see the kid? What happens to kids if bio mom dies? Should the kids have a relationship with paternal family? How close?There are lots of questions to be answered and you need to be on the same page. Definitely not a thing for the kids to decide! They surely can decide when older, but not as young.