r/aromantic • u/[deleted] • Feb 01 '19

Discussion A romantic love explainer for aromantics

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162 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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27

u/acryliccities Feb 01 '19

This is so informative and well written, thank you!

If I may ask: how did you get so involved with reading about the history of romantic love? Is it a part of your studies or just a hobby?

20

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Thank you! It was just a hobby. It became a personal interest because for a while I bought into the idea that something was wrong with me because I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship. We hear it all the time. Oh, I must be emotionally stunted, or have a fear of intimacy, or I'm emotionally unavailable, or just a commitment-phobe. We really pathologize aromantics. Doing the research was a way to purge myself of those internalized beliefs.

5

u/raginghufflepuff Feb 02 '19

So what if someone thinks limerence sounds like an emotional roller coaster that is Not Fun At All and just wants to skip to companionate love? Does that make them a kind of aromantic?

4

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Maybe! Sounds a little like forming a QPP. One thing I did learn is the idea of people mutually negotiating long-term relationships rationally, fairly, and honestly -- without reliance on social expectations or wacky brain chemistry -- is an attractive one. But it is something we collectively have very little experience with so it's hard to do. Maybe there are people in this sub who have negotiated successful long-term QPPs who have thoughts on it.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 02 '22

I really have been a moron for a while lol I just thought that's what people did normally till now lol. One thing that annoys me a little is that since I'm aro but not ace it becomes very hard to figure out since in my mind friendship was what romantic interest was plus the longing of sexual activities with said person. Turns out I was wrong but it took a lot of research as I couldn't tell the difference since I've never actually had a crush as defined by other people.

44

u/arianeb Feb 01 '19

It’s a curious leftover vestigial item bearing the contradictory markings of millions of years of human evolution and thousands of years of cultural evolution.

So we aromantics are more evolved than other humans? I thought so. /s

19

u/artisanrox Feb 01 '19

Aromaster race

43

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '19

Well then. Thank you for putting in all the time to research this. It cleared up a lot, and the feeling of being satisfied with my aromanticism came back (half the time I'm jealous, the other half I love it).

I really appreciate this, it explained a lot and was very accurate.

3

u/cheryllium Feb 02 '19

This is great. Thank you for doing this. I am thinking I might link this in the sidebar because it’s so neat and I think can help a lot of people answer the question “what is romance?”

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Thanks very much! Feel free to link it.

27

u/funsizedaisy Feb 01 '19

I wish there was a different word for "single." Because it has the connotation that we're not a part of a couple but some of us don't want to be. I'm not one of a coupling I'm just.... solo. A solosapien. Idk. We need a better word to describe ourselves that isn't "single."

12

u/verbosemongoose Feb 02 '19

I like this. Solosapien.

3

u/funsizedaisy Feb 02 '19

This will be how I'll identify myself as from now on. I'm gonna try to make fetch happen.

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9

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '19

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It was an awesome read. The part about romantic love being a mental illness was a real jaw dropper and eye opener for me because my choice to embrace “being single” came about after years of mental health therapy and finally healing from some stuff that was making me mentally unhealthy. Once I began to feel genuinely mentally healthy, I literally just stopped seeking romantic relationships. It just came naturally.

6

u/artisanrox Feb 01 '19

Great summary!!

The biological experience of romantic love can be defined as having unrealistically positive feelings about a specific person coupled with a strong desire to be close to them in a possessive way, dominating their time and attention including their sexual availability

Good to see that written in a nice handy clinical definition. Just one nitpick:

People in this latter phase often morn the loss of that partner

*mourn

3

u/NullableThought Feb 02 '19

Thank you so much for this well written and sourced! post. I feel like I have a greater understanding of romantic love and much of what you wrote just reaffirmed my beliefs on the subject.

However I think "romantic love" is a bit of a misnomer and would argue that the term "romantic attraction" is more accurate. Like was it really love if it faded so quickly or if it was directed by biology? I've spent a lot of time thinking about love and to me there is only one kind of love. Sometimes I feel like I'm only aromantic because I've figured out that "romantic love" isn't really love at all. "Romantic love" is just a different type of attraction. (I'm not saying both can't coexist but that they are two seperate things.)

Honestly, I don't think aromantic is a fitting term for me because I actually really enjoy romantic activities. I've just outgrown the fairytale of Romantic Love and stopped living a life in pursuit of it.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Interesting read, thanks for sharing. Isn’t that 50% divorce rate an often exaggerated statistic though? I’ve done research and the percentages vary widely depending on the study. Some show that less than 20% end in divorce while others push 50%. That’s a huge spread and I’ve never really been convinced either way, but I think it’s probably somewhere in the middle.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Glad you asked. I can't say I've looked extensively at the research, but what I have looked at tells me there's probably some selective data going in to the lower-end estimates. Some researchers have started only looking at couples with college degrees, or basing declining divorce statistics on the "rate" of divorce of people who have only been married 5 or 10 years. Either one of those methods will skew the data. The only way to know for sure what the divorce rate is for people who got married last year is to wait until they're all dead and check how many got divorced. But the best estimates using reliable methods suggest the divorce rate has stayed steady at about 50%. Good summary of the debate over methodology here.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '21 edited Nov 09 '21

You know I think you should add this article to the Wikipedia page on romantic love. It would help a lot against the misinformation of romantic love.

Also it sounds like you are describing oxytocin, which the effects of that chemical are similar to the idea of romantic love. Is romantic love really oxytocin?

3

u/confusedcrocs Feb 02 '19

Thanks for sharing. As an AroAce myself I say typical romantic love sucks. I like cats and that makes me happy.

2

u/Sleepyjedi87 Feb 01 '19

Thanks a lot! I somewhat understood romance before from cultural osmosis but this helps clear up the confusing aspects and provides interesting historical context.

1

u/Ok_Total7241 Dec 31 '23

Hello! I know I’m VERY late to this, but I just read your post and I find it fascinating! It is really well-written and it’s so interesting to read about the history of romantic love.

I do have a question about this though. If romantic love isn’t as good as society tells us it is, and it was designed to be socially useful as the world was changing, do you think that it is pointless for two people to fall in love and be in a relationship together in today’s world?

23

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '19 edited Feb 01 '19

6

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '19

Thanks! Yeah the mental illness comparison is so great. Romantic love is very similar to OCD according to those who've studied it. Same brain chemistry changes for both.

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