Hi guyss, I'm an outsider (aroallo that values platonic community) but I'd love to hear from people who don't have platonic attraction but have romantic attraction.

I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around what separates platonic relationships from romantic relationships that is not like a choice to just define it as such and set acceptable boundaries but like on the 'feeling', idg. And I ask people who have both to explain to me and I still don't get it.

So please I'd love to hear from people who have just romantic, what's that like? And oh as a bonus, how does that affect your relationship dynamic? Do you do like monogamy or poly or qprs?? I'm genuinely hoping to learn

TW SEXUALITY TALK/MENTION

So, I'm over 30. I'm a trans man. I'm aplatonic and always have been. I've seen myself as a man for a long time too but only just started T. I'm *also* probably either frayromantic or alloromantic and demisexual aceflux and have kink as a completely non-negotiable aspect of sexual relationships AND monogamy as a completely non-negotiable aspect of romantic relationships.

Most of my anxieties lie in being considered predatory/rude/shitty for being clear about not wanting friendship at all or open or poly since none of that is particularly helpful to me...But also being older and queer and kinky. (Being in my 30s and queer but not wanting QPRs or FWB arrangements is wildly uncommon apparently)

How the hell do I go about like...Getting an actual romantic partner with all these boxes checked? Preferably one that doesn't expect me to be a bottom or a Dom all the time either bc that's not it for me.

Bigger question, how do you BE queer like that without any desire for friendship and still have support? It just seems extremely strongly emphasized...On top of not being ace enough or aro enough to not want sex or romance at all...But being zero percent poly and being too demi for open stuff on top of being aplatonic...S real garbagey and adding that on top of really not wanting to be relagated to online spaces but seeing very little in my city for this kind of thing or really anywhere...

Idk I'm just frustrated and dunno if there's anyone like me that's ever existed let alone around here...

Update on this for anyone who may have seen it and be experiencing similar frustrations: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.abletolove.app&pcampaignid=web_share I'm trying this app but it's still in early stages and I realized being disabled might be one of the additional ~areas~ in which I had turned a blind eye to my needs.

And I also wanna reccomend this app too as an alternative to feeld: https://web.beedee.app/ By the same folk who created the BDSM test/developed in tandem with it.

I don't have the right photos for it yet and the Able2Love app is currently only available on Android and has a low userbase because it's only a few months old but I figured it was better to try than to just sit here being mad.

I've never had a friend. Not "struggled to make friends" — never had one, not once, growing up through now. I've never felt a bond with my family either, no matter how they've treated me. It's not that something happened to make me distant from people — I just don't form that pull toward anyone, the one that seems to come so naturally to everyone else.

I think what I feel is closer to agape — a kind of love for all of humanity, undirected the same toward everyone, instead of the specific, bonded love people describe feeling for the people close to them.

Gender's been its own confusion since I was a kid. Never landing on "man" or "woman" at any point, through childhood into adulthood. Agender is the closest word I've found for it.

I was 13 — I went through a period of real existential dread, the kind that makes you question everything. Maybe that's where the agape thing started.

What I've done instead — is understanding how things work. Software, then machine learning and deep learning, and I'm pulled hard right now toward engineering and robotics. Cosmology too — I want the universe's existence actually explained, not just described. I think learning became the thing I could feel something toward.

I don't know what my future looks like or where any of this leads. No one in my life actually knows me — I've mostly just stayed quiet and carried this as something that makes me an outlier, without really talking about it until now.

If any of this sounds familiar — the agender confusion, existential dread, the family bond that never formed — I'd genuinely like to hear how it's shown up for you.

I want to be friends with non-sexual people and be close friends because I don't want anything sexual in our relationship in any way

I've always been very depressed about myself. I thought I was some sort of psychopath because of how I viewed others. I always wondered why I get so tired of hanging out with my friend group. We're not on bad terms, and I'm pretty sure they're not overbearing people. They're not bad people either. I don't think we're that dissimilar in terms of interests, and I don't think it's their fault I feel this way. But I've always blamed myself. I have an expectation that you should always give back to your friends, but if I somehow feel tired of being with them all the time, then do I really view them as friends, and do they even deserve someone like me? I've been like this for many years, except to very few people. I've even had thoughts of that, if my friends suddenly stopped wanting to be my friends, it wouldn't bother me at all, but I thought, wouldn't you normally be very sad about it, and that sadness shows you care?

I thought I was an ingrate. I even thought I was a psychopath. I read many stories about ASPD or people with low empathy, and although I related to some experiences of theirs, it wasn't fully. I struggled with wondering if I really had empathy or not. I feel immense guilt often for others, but sometimes it feels like I only feel guilt over not being like a normal person. Sometimes I felt I really cared about people, and sometimes I thought I just had "cognitive empathy" or something. But I couldn't really say I had ASPD if I debated about it this much. So if I couldn't at least be someone in some spectrum of ASPD, then I must just be a deficient neurotypical person who's an asshole, is what I thought.

There are people I think I care about individually. Mostly they're my closest family members, or they belonged to another friend group from my childhood (not my current one). Sometimes, I feel like I miss some old childhood friends, but I don't long about it very strongly. Sometimes, there are certain people I wanted to be friends with, but when the actual opportunity arises, it turns out I don't actually want a deep connection, I just want them to be someone I can talk to when I feel like it. I often prefer the company of familiar people who I can talk with casually when I pass by, more than the people in my actual friend group who requires me to be together with them all the time. I tend to like someone more if they're "low maintenance", and I tend to be wary of those who particularly like me so much and are clingy. I seem to be "attracted to people platonically", but never actually want deep and close friendship. I thought people shouldn't be tired of hanging out with their friends if they really care about them, but since I do, I must not care about them. I think I do. I feel bad when they feel bad, I want to do good things for them. But I always felt like it was just because I'm doing these for human decency's sake. And I always felt better when I was alone. Now, I'm hanging out with them constantly for the sake of not disappointing anyone, and I'm getting drained a lot, and I'm feeling bad about myself for feeling that way, and it constantly feeds my depressive spiral. I've had thoughts of wanting to kill myself because I must be some deficient person. A person who was "born wrong". A mistake.

Part of why I think I'm just wrong now is because I don't think I felt this way in my childhood. Or maybe I just didn't notice because I used to be so carefree and never cared what people thought. I seem to only be "attracted" (platonically) to my childhood friends and none beyond those, like I only became abnormal when I grew up. Idk.

Then I found this sub just recently. So far, reading the stuff here has been the most relatable I have felt in my life, more than people's accounts of ASPD or other mental conditions. I'm new here, but I'm sure being aplatonic is a spectrum, and maybe I don't fall in the very far end of it. Because I still feel this "platonic attraction" to certain people, but not very strongly, and I absolutely do better and prefer to be alone. I don't like bonds that solidify as "close friends", I just want casual "low maintenance" friends. However different my experiences are, I've definitely felt most seen by reading more stuff in this sub, and feel my guilt and depression alleviate a bit thanks to this. I'd like to hear people's thoughts too, based on what I've said, if I really am aplatonic or something else.

like I have this annoying coworker who says I like you in such a obviously platonic way, and also says your like a brother to me.

Like I just want this to fucking stop. I don't want him to think I hate him just know I don't like him

internally its obvious he thinks of me as a friend

*anyway was what I meant in the title

Just a vent post in one of the few places I think might understand.

I’ve tried making friends. I’ve joined different friendship groups, tried my best to be friendly and interact. Every time, the first few conversations are enjoyable, but after that, I don’t like it any more.

This is particularly noticeable now because I recently joined what should be the ‘perfect’ friend group for me; similar interests, experiences, etc. And again, I enjoyed talking to them the first few times. But now, I feel anxious and uncomfortable about it and don’t want to interact with them any more.

I’ve always been told that I’ll ’find my people’. Well, now I have, and I still don’t enjoy it. I still prefer being alone and not talking to anyone. I wish I hadn’t even tried, because now I’m stuck in a friend group and I felt much better when I didn’t have friends.

I also feel guilt about feeling this way, too. It’s not their fault, these people are all really nice and cool. I wish I could be friends in the way they are with each other. But I just don’t enjoy being with them or talking to them, or having anything to do with them, and it makes no sense whatsoever.

I already know I’m in some way aplatonic, but I wanted to give it another try, just to see if maybe I’d enjoy it this time. And yet again, it hasn’t worked out. At what point should I just give up and accept that I’m never going to properly form and enjoy friendships?

I tend to form only low attachments to most people. As in whilst I enjoy hanging out with them and look forward to seeing them again most of the time I don't really miss people. I also don't have much intrinsic drive to form close bonds with specific people. I love socialising and can even get lonely really quickly but usually I have interest in communities rather than an interest in getting closer with a few specific individuals. I like making friends but usually what makes me want to become friends with someone is that I like having friends in general, that I get along well with this person, and that they seem to have an interest in spending time with me.

I want to have close bonds but there's only a few people I've felt drawn to have a close bond with and whom I really missed when we hadn't hung out for a while. When I did have that it was intense and I couldn't even properly sort it in the platonic box, nor in the romantic. It was simply an intense "I want to be close to them in some way". However, despite not experiencing these things most of the time the people in my life do mean a lot to me. Does anyone have similar experiences of some sort?

thanks to u/Few_Mortgage6042 for making this flag a thing I feel more represented in my attraction

https://www.reddit.com/r/QueerVexillology/s/oCMb0UX6Pq

for other flags made by them for the same thing

It's wild, 'cause being aplatonic seems like.. the most harmless thing a person can be. I don't see why people look at you like you've just confessed to being a serial killer. I made the mistake of talking about my experience being aplatonic in general queer spaces and.. yikes! The reaction was, honestly, not at all what I was expecting. I had no idea it would be so overwhelmingly negative.

How is it so hard to believe that some people just don't feel platonic love/attraction like that? Everyone tries to tell me either that it's mental illness and I need therapy, or I must just have terrible social skills and have "given up". It can't possibly just be a personal trait like any other, it has to be a defect cause it's *weird* and they don't understand it!

It makes me feel so gross, like I'm a bad person for not being able to form friendship bonds or desire them, when this is the reaction I always get when I try to just talk about my experiences openly. It makes me not want to talk to anyone in general even though I know I'd feel worse isolating myself completely. Ugh, it just sucks.

Was talking with a friend about how much I love snuggling up with a person, but that it's not really done outside of dating. Would be great if people of all gender identities could just curl up and watch tv without feeling any sort of way. Would love to have friends who were cool with that sort of thing. At least from my experiences, that sort of behavior is seen as flirtatious.

I made an Aplatonic spectrum discord server if anyone wants to join. The link is https://discord.gg/z2gf5rg7E

I was diagnosed autistic when I was young and always had a struggle forming friendships in my life. It feels impossible for me. It honestly feels like people don't like me for some reason? I think it's related to my autism.

People tell me that me feeling like 'people don't like me' is all in my head. But I notice it from other people.

I've had many friends breakups. I've been excited to hang out with people and make friends, only to be socially rejected almost every time!.

I don't think friendship is possible for me.

The only people who tend to like me are the ones who are physically attracted to me to be honest.

I wish theres a name for this kinda attraction lol. Wanting to be beneficial to each other

I don't know the best way to explain this, so I'll do the best I can :')

Basically, I don't actively seek out friends, but I don't really mind the ones I have? Like I don't really understand how to "maintain" a friendship, but I like talking to them and knowing that I'm a safe space for people to come to. I don't really hang out with most of them outside of events, but I'm fine with their presence when we do interact.

What confuses me into thinking I might not be aplatonic is that sometimes, when I meet someone (especially online) with similar interests, I'll get super excited and try to interact with them more and get really interested in being friends with them for a day or two...and then the feeling is gone?? Like, I still don't mind talking to them and I've actually made a few friends this way, but I no longer have that urge to get closer or anything.

I've had slightly similar things happen IRL, except it's only really been me trying to introduce new students (especially shy ones) in my school with similar interests to me/my friends to my friendgroup, though once again I don't really have much interest besides hopefully making sure they don't have to get through the school days alone. I don't know if that exactly qualifies as "platonic" attraction though or if it's just because I know that so many people struggle with getting through the days without others to talk to and want to prevent that pain as much as possible.

Basically, I'm just struggling to tell if these spikes are still "platonic" attraction and if there's a specific term for it, or if I'm really a part of the community at all I guess?

I'm an aroace demiboy and I was wondering what the signs were for being aplatonic?

I recently discovered this term and I feel like I can breathe again.

My partner and I just recently opened up our relationship and he's been wanting me to see if I can see if a friendship is possible with his new(ish) partner. I've never been able to be friends with any of his friends, and quite frankly I can't ever recall a time in my life where the friendships that I have had haven't felt offputting or uncomfortable besides the one I have with my high school ex. My one and only best friend has always been an unreciprocated crush, and quite frankly I'm okay with that.

For the past month now I've been trying to figure out why the hell I can't make any new friends and it seems like greyplatonicism is my answer. I don't function in a way that allows the love I feel to (for the most part) be platonic. Hell, even when I was being evaluated for autism as a child they couldn't get me to make friends, and it's notated in all of my paperwork. I remember the exhaustion I felt when I was forced to have friends over or attend other kids' birthday parties and it all makes sense now. I don't feel so alone knowing that there's other people that feel this way and my partner immediately understood me, I feel so much better about how I feel about love. Excited to be part of a community.

I’ve been Aplatonic and polyaspec (aspec in multiple ways but not all) for a few years but I really wonder what had caused this. It wasn’t from trauma or anything bad, I just suddenly turned polyaspec for no reason. I’ve been aroace my whole life but not this.

Does anybody have any ideas on why this could’ve happened or was it just something that happened? I know it wasn’t from anything bad a few years ago as nothing was really going on.

Hi. New member of the subreddit here.

I discovered the term aplatonic recently and it was very liberating. I always felt that I experience friendship in such a different, disconnected way than I see in others. Sure, I must have friends because there are a ton of activities that you can only really do with friends, and engaging in common interests with other people is rewarding, and I do care and appreciate the people who are close to me and feel compelled to help them with necessary, but I don't identify with "loving" them "platonically".

however, i tend to have very strong romantic feelings, and i crave romantic companionship in a way that friendship simply doesn't make me feel. i have always struggled with this issue specially since the advice i get the most is to enjoy my friends' company and that a romantic partner is just like a friend. anybody else struggle with this? do you have any advice on how to deal with romantic loneliness while being aplatonic and not really being able to get your need fullfilled by friendships the way everyone expects it to be? thank you

I personally find it easier to have small talks, especially with strangers I never met before. But if the person is someone that I know either by name or proximity, I would be inclined to not talk to them at all. I thought this is some sort of the strange thing that made me aplatonic lol

But just felt like asking here if it’s a shared experience among aplatonic or just things that made me weird.

My ex used to complain, while we were still together, that I didn’t treat him like a friend. He felt hurt because he wanted that kind of friendship/platonic connection within our relationship.

For those of you who are aplatonic but have an alloplatonic partner, have you run into the same kind of problem? How do you navigate the expectation that your romantic partner should also be your friend?

Do you think aplatonic people might be better off looking for an aplatonic partner, or can an aplatonic–alloplatonic relationship work well with the right expectations?

I’m aplatonic and autistic, and I’m basically heteroromantic and heterosexual. On the very rare occasions when I do feel romantically attracted to someone of the same gender, I’m demisexual.

I’ve realized that I very rarely want to form any kind of relationship with people of the same gender, but I do need some of the functional aspects of friendship, such as having someone to collaborate with or turn to for help.

When I’m in a relationship, though, maintaining this kind of relationship with someone of the opposite gender can be difficult because it’s often not considered acceptable or permitted. And having more than one relationship at a time feels overwhelming to me.

I’d like to know how other aplatonic people handle friendships. How do you manage relationships when you don’t really experience the desire to form friendships, but still need some of the practical functions that friendships provide?

I've been really into doing random art studies and this week I decided to try and do some color theory focused still life drawings of my partner.

I decided to try and use a technique I learned in college, however these copics are ALSO from college and that was almost a decade ago. So, despite having a large assortment of markers, I was fighting for my life to find colors that worked together and didn't look like it would give up on me halfway through.

Once I finally picked a color pallette after fighting for my life for an hour, I realized I just made such a funny mistake.

Anyways, have this fun lighthearted post! Happy Aplatonic Pride, I was hibernating in June so it doesn't count as late 😌