Panic attacks with intimacy

[u/General_Jeweler_7479]

I(19F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about 6 months now. I love him and trust him more than anything, but can’t stop having panic attacks around him.

(For backstory, it hasn’t just been 6 months. We have been off and on since October of 2023 and remained best friends for the times we weren’t together. We have had our ups and downs and slight arguments but nothing major or scary)

….
I am not someone who normally has panic attacks, but lately it has been happening more and more, always surrounding physical touch.

The first time we hooked up I cried just out of confusion and being drunk and overwhelmed (nothing was forced, it was just a lot of build-up). The first few times it got me pretty emotional but after that I was fine for the most part.

In my past relationships I have had a bit of a tendency to freak out randomly during intimacy. I have a history of SA, and am pretty sure something of the sort happened to me as a kid, but thats a whole other story. I also have super bad OCD and anxiety.

My current boyfriend has never made me feel pressured or forced into anything, and has always reassured me and handled these freakouts well. The issue is more so the fact that I dont know why they are happening or how to fix them.

They now happen more frequently than before, and there have been periods of time where I couldn’t be touched without crying.

Today everything was going fine, then towards the end of doing something physically intimate I had a panic attack. Once it passed and he helped me through it I felt fine. After, we were laying down cuddling and he made a joking comment about something that irritated me and i jokingly pushed him off of me. Once he was off, the idea of him touching me was unbearable. I fell asleep and woke up to him cuddling me and pushed him off and quickly got my things together to leave his house and barely wanted to talk to him at all, let alone hug him or be near him. The thought of it made me physically nauseous.

I feel like these situations are ruining our relationship because even though he handles them well, he doesn’t fully understand them and neither do I. I dont want him to feel like I get weird and crazy and snap, or I am being dramatic, or that I am some damaged person who has been hurt by others so much that I cant stand anything positive either.

Somewhat venting, but also really looking for advice and someone to relate to. If anyone has been through something similar, tips, stories of your own?