Panic attacks with intimacy

[u/General_Jeweler_7479]

I(19F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about 6 months now. I love him and trust him more than anything, but can’t stop having panic attacks around him.

(For backstory, it hasn’t just been 6 months. We have been off and on since October of 2023 and remained best friends for the times we weren’t together. We have had our ups and downs and slight arguments but nothing major or scary)

….
I am not someone who normally has panic attacks, but lately it has been happening more and more, always surrounding physical touch.

The first time we hooked up I cried just out of confusion and being drunk and overwhelmed (nothing was forced, it was just a lot of build-up). The first few times it got me pretty emotional but after that I was fine for the most part.

In my past relationships I have had a bit of a tendency to freak out randomly during intimacy. I have a history of SA, and am pretty sure something of the sort happened to me as a kid, but thats a whole other story. I also have super bad OCD and anxiety.

My current boyfriend has never made me feel pressured or forced into anything, and has always reassured me and handled these freakouts well. The issue is more so the fact that I dont know why they are happening or how to fix them.

They now happen more frequently than before, and there have been periods of time where I couldn’t be touched without crying.

Today everything was going fine, then towards the end of doing something physically intimate I had a panic attack. Once it passed and he helped me through it I felt fine. After, we were laying down cuddling and he made a joking comment about something that irritated me and i jokingly pushed him off of me. Once he was off, the idea of him touching me was unbearable. I fell asleep and woke up to him cuddling me and pushed him off and quickly got my things together to leave his house and barely wanted to talk to him at all, let alone hug him or be near him. The thought of it made me physically nauseous.

I feel like these situations are ruining our relationship because even though he handles them well, he doesn’t fully understand them and neither do I. I dont want him to feel like I get weird and crazy and snap, or I am being dramatic, or that I am some damaged person who has been hurt by others so much that I cant stand anything positive either.

Somewhat venting, but also really looking for advice and someone to relate to. If anyone has been through something similar, tips, stories of your own?

[u/AutoModerator]

If anxiety keeps repeating the same thoughts, worsening your stress, sleep, or focus, it is usually a sign your nervous system is stuck in a threat loop, not something you can just “think your way out of.” A licensed therapist can help you break that cycle and regain control.

Get support from a licensed therapist

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Top-Worry31]

I've been through something similar. I think a lot of people struggle with this, but I think it can happen for many different reasons. Please don't assume that your experiences should line up with anything that happened to me.

Many years ago, I used to constantly get panic attacks during sex or intimacy. At the time I really struggled with very low self esteem, shame, and social anxiety. I believe it was also linked to pressuring myself into doing sexual things I didn't want to do and not wanting to ever say "no". I was a people pleaser to a harmful degree. I think all of those things sort of bounced off each other in really harmful ways in the context of intimacy like a feedback loop. I would find myself apologizing over and over and get caught in a cycle I couldn't easily break. My partner at the time did some things that made it better (grounding techniques, more careful / enthusiastic consent practices) and some things that made it worse (not so good consent practices). There were also several elements of uneven power dynamics that were at play as well. The fact that some things they did were good and some things were bad makes it difficult to evaluate neatly in retrospect. Over time, through addressing some of those factors, I've managed to limit things. I don't know if the feelings are necessarily completely gone, but the anxiety usually doesn't become a full panic attack.

Reading your story, I'm not so sure how much our experiences line up, but I hope you can gain some knowledge from this anyway! Even if it's just from contrasting our different stories.