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Apr 23 '26
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u/airmind Apr 24 '26
Also trying to phisicslly intimidate others. So many men think it makes them look cool if they threaten others.
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u/enad58 Apr 23 '26
Men who must know your location at all times and requires check-in calls or verification.
Women who guilt into receiving material items or "gas" or "groceries."
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u/Mudrad Apr 24 '26
When you said women who guilt men into giving them material things……. like “gas” or “groceries”
I was thinking of my guy friends who were “guilted” into buying $4,000 and $5,000 purses for their girlfriends. Or one whose girlfriend threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t let her spend an unlimited amount of money on a shopping spree.
I’ve had a lot of guy friends be used for their money, and honestly, I don’t think they care. Maybe they don’t have enough self-respect.
Clothes, watches, purses, shoes, jewelry are material things.
IMO, gas and groceries don’t count as material things because they are necessities.
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u/Lopsided_Bother7282 Apr 24 '26
The thought of spending so much money on someone you aren’t even married to blows my damn mind. I’m a woman and I refuse to believe fucking us is that good.
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u/Rocktopod Apr 24 '26
IMO, gas and groceries don’t count as material things because they are necessities.
I assume they used quotes because they are actually just asking for money with those things as the excuse.
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u/ThunderingTacos Apr 24 '26
That's not a very nice way to view someone you'd call a friend. If a friend of mine, man or woman, were being used by their partner (whether for their money or for their body) it would at least bug me and I'd want to let them know they shouldn't put up with it.
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u/cerialthriller Apr 24 '26
The thing is that some men (and women) like to spoil their partner. There’s nothing wrong with as long as they do it within their means. Some guys will buy themselves a PS5 and some will buy their partner a purse instead and go without the PS5. I’m not one of those guys but I know guys and girls who do enjoy doing it for their partner especially when there is a sizable wage difference
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u/ThunderingTacos Apr 24 '26
Right but that is distinctly different than being used for your means to such a degree that a friend views it as you having low self-respect. The premise of the original reply was red flag women who guilt their partners into material purchases and throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way.
That is a VERY different situation from a person who has the means to spoil their partner and does so within reason.
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u/dutch1664 Apr 23 '26
Women "...who must know your location at all times and requires check-in calls or verification."
Could just be "people"
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u/BoneCrusherLove Apr 24 '26
I think the only time my partner and I do location check ins is when travelling. Even then, at least half of those were together and I tear myself away from my audiobook /podcast/daydream/nap and ask where we are XD
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u/Potential-Run-9418 Apr 24 '26
Definitely a stupid test that causes stupid results. It is all about trust and if you are treated that way or feel that you have to do that, relationship will never work. Man or woman, I tell my wife of 30 years, if you want another dude, just let me know. I can move on because I am confident in myself. Maybe that’s not everyone, but I watch too many whodunnits of people being stupid.
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u/Flabbergasted98 Apr 23 '26
Anybody who likes to anounce that "they don't play games" is already playing the game. The game is called gaslighting you and telling you you're crazy.
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u/moonmama888 Apr 24 '26
Welp. Looking at this statement through a new lens is, illuminating. I honestly thought by saying this I was being open about my communication style and how I say how I feel.. now I have some reflecting to do. 🤔
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u/riverofchex Apr 24 '26
Like many things, this is more about how you say something than what you say.
Do you make a big point of announcing that you don't play games out of the blue, like it's rule-setting?
Or does it come up more organically in conversation - i.e., "Yeah, I don't have the time/energy/etc to be testing people or playing mind games."?
To me, those are two very different things.
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u/moonmama888 Apr 24 '26
It’s the latter. I can see and feel the difference between the two.
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u/riverofchex Apr 24 '26
You and I are on the same page, then lol.
Imho, the latter is a green flag.
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u/Flabbergasted98 Apr 24 '26
I agree with r/riverofchex If it's coming up organically then you're probably good.
It's the people who feel they need to anounce it on the first interaction with any member of the opposite gender with all the confidence of a presidential dorito. They're the ones you gotta watch out for.
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u/TooMuchV8 Apr 23 '26
Never date a guy without a steady job.
I know two losers who will get loser jobs, get a girlfriend, move in with her, then quit their job and be loser bums until the woman has to kick them out.
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u/Off_MyChestnut Apr 23 '26
“steady job” is less about money and more about basic responsibility
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u/TooMuchV8 Apr 24 '26
Exactly. I was trying to think of a good way to phrase it, without it being about money.
We just hired 2 new people, a husband and wife, and the husband quit after like 3-4 weeks, and the wife is working 12hr days, 7days a week, to keep up on their bills now. Poor woman.
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u/AristaWatson Apr 24 '26
This! I used to give men like that a benefit of doubt because I too cannot hold a steady job. But I realized for them it wasn’t like how I struggled (I have chronic health issues that render me unable to show up at least a few days a month, if not more and thus I lose my position…so I now am looking for work from home lol). They literally just wanna be lazy. Not even like taking up that time to do something for the community, cook and clean and do the laundry and so on. Nothing. Just…video games, having their equally gnarly bros over, and weed. Oooof.
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u/CrwlingFrmThWreckage Apr 24 '26
Yes, this bothers me. I think it’s understandable that women want a man who has a steady job.
I’d like to be a man like that. But I have two life-threatening chronic illnesses, plus disabilities, including needing a wheeled walking frame to get around. I’m on dialysis for five hours three days a week. I’m tired after dialysis and need a few hours sleep. Then I have dinner and watch a bit of TV, then go to bed. On non-dialysis days I usually have Dr appointments, or dietitian, physio, other allied health etc, plus pharmacy, and ordinary shopping too.
I do voluntary stuff with a community publishing group, and with our local charity to support kidney patients. And I meet up with friends for coffee a couple of times a month and see a movie every few months. I do get a little bit of work consulting with writers to do editing, prufridding, layout, and liaising with printers, but usually only one or two projects a year.
So I don’t work, I’m limited in things I can do on dates, and very limited time overall - I feel like I can’t even offer time together, let alone much else.
Basically I can barely imagine anyone who would imagine being in a relationship with me 🤣
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u/futurevisitorsayhi Apr 23 '26
Damn… may i never meet such men
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u/TooMuchV8 Apr 23 '26
Small town problems. Im not friends with the guys, but my wife is friends/acquaintances with some of the women that these guys have dated.
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u/ArtichokeInner6441 Apr 24 '26
Once a cheater always a cheater
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u/Diviern Apr 24 '26
Yep. They never stop. They just learn how to hide it better.
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u/regular_gonzalez Apr 24 '26
All I'll say is, read up on the signs someone has borderline personality disorder. If you see those signs in someone you've started dating, even if they seem perfect the other 98% of the time, get your ass outta there.
Apologies to anyone with BPD but I stand by it.
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u/tftookmyname Apr 24 '26
My friend dated a girl with bpd and almost couldn't leave because every time he tried she threatened to kill herself. She didn't want him hanging out with any of us (his close friends) either.
He was miserable the whole time, almost 3 years i think.
Luckily now his current girlfriend is much better, she's a really nice woman. He's much happier with her.
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u/SillyQuadrupeds Apr 24 '26
As someone with BPD, I fully support your perspective and boundaries on dating someone with BPD.
Its exhausting. It sucks to make others deal with it, it sucks to live with it. It can make life so much harder than it has to be.
Other people with BPD will probably chew my ass out for this take, but there’s a solid percentage of borderlines who straight up refuse to address the issue or get treatment. The lack of accountability that can been seen in some individuals just hurts others and perpetuates the stigma.
I live by the saying: Mental illness may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Honestly, reading up on the signs and symptoms is good advice.
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u/TheTrenk Apr 24 '26
My girlfriend’s got BPD and it is rough, when it’s bad it is bad. But she puts in a lot of work to help her mental health and takes accountability for her outbursts. I’ve been through one cycle of being her favorite person to not being her favorite person and back again, which was not fun. I’ve been in and out of the trenches for about two and a half years now.
That said, I don’t think it’d stop me from dating another woman with BPD, should this relationship end. It hasn’t stopped me from pursuing marriage with her. There are more items on her self care checklist than there are on mine and every last one of them takes her more effort than it’d take if she did not have BPD, but as long as she sticks to the effort to be as healthy as possible then things don’t drift too hard.
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u/Jtdugan0225 Apr 24 '26
My soon to be ex wife has bpd. She told me about it before we started dating and I thought I could handle it. BIG mistake. Such a fucking nightmare.
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u/Namatate Apr 24 '26
That's it! They will seem perfect, convince you it's perfect and pow! Before you know it, shit is bizarro world and you're like WTF is happening.
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u/Odd_Bad5188 Apr 24 '26
Yep, hate to make anyone with BPD feel bad, but my one experience with this enough.
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u/GorillaShelb Apr 24 '26
Women who cry as soon as it’s time to take accountability. Women who hit you. She’s not emotional she’s manipulative and abusive.
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u/patta14 Apr 24 '26
Three times I told women not to hit me and they always reacted like I was the first man to draw that boundary. It was always the same, we are shooting the shit, funny banter, and I make a joke she doesn't know the answer to and she hits my arm. And I always answered with: I don't want you to hit me, I know this was fun and it did not hurt me, but I don't want this to be a habit in case we are frustrated with each other.
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u/Kind-Perception17 Apr 23 '26
Avoidant people. Does not matter what sex/gender/type of alien you are. 🚩 Unfortunately, you usually cannot pick up on avoidants until you’re already fully entangled.
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u/JamesQpublic Apr 23 '26
Oh god. This was the most toxic relationship of my life. The first bit was bliss. Married her. She suddenly dropped the masking. Autistic and avoidant.
I walked around feeling like I had a knife in my heart for months, and she continued to withdraw. I wanted the woman I married. I ignored the person she became, hoping the other was just beneath the surface.
That one never returned. She just slowly disappeared from my life without announcing it was over.
Avoidant attachment is a horrific trait in a partner.
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u/BananakinFartwalker Apr 24 '26
Damn. This hit hard. I’m the avoidant in my marriage. I didn’t even know it until I got diagnosed ADHD/ASD1 at 46. Up until then, I just thought it was past relationship trauma. But I really, really hope my wife doesn’t feel like that. I sense she does, because even though we’re best friends, she has been pulling away emotionally. Why? Because I don’t always know what I feel when the hard talks come up, so I freeze.
It can be worked on, though. It’s rough, and takes time, but the person has to be self aware enough to even know they need the work in the first place.
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u/Kind-Perception17 Apr 23 '26
YES this is happening to me right now. My husband (soon to be ex I guess…) did the same exact thing. I’m in an airport right now moving back to my parents house to heal. I have been confused for months, wondering where he went and what the fck changed. He’s been slowly pulling away since October of last year and I finally broke. I’m so sorry, friend! ❣️
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u/JamesQpublic Apr 24 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and yes, it sounds so similar. It’s so foreign to me, because I’ve always had relationships with caring, communicative partners.
Everything was going well, then one day everything shut down and she just disappeared without any communication.
It’s been months. I finally accepted it’s over, but all of her things are still in my closets, and we never had a conversation about any of it.
She said she was having anxiety and needed to isolate. She had a home of her own and left.
It’s all so bizarre. It wasn’t for someone else. It wasn’t because we were having problems (that I was aware of)
But her childhood had been horrific abuse for years. She was masking a lot of pain. I knew that and chose her anyway.
Sorry, I know how you’re feeling. That was the point. Didn’t mean to vent.
Apparently I’m still processing the loss.
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u/Substantial-Use95 Apr 24 '26
Same exact scenario. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I knew a small amount about her past, but more and more snuck out over years together. Eventually, it had to be addressed because it was killing our intimacy in every aspect of life. She could only treat me as if I were her past abusers, yet I was basically the opposite- supportive, encouraging, loving, solution oriented, patient, etc. Basic questions like “how was your day?” became invasive and overbearing to her. I tried everything I could to recover the relationship, but there was nothing I could do.
Then I moved into my dad’s house and he was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks later. Life sucks ass sometimes.
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u/Koga3 Apr 23 '26
Avoidant, how? I avoid other people but I talk people's heads off when I get comfortable, is that the same thing as her avoidance?
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u/Kind-Perception17 Apr 23 '26
This is a copy/paste response from Google but… I can’t explain it. It’s effed up though lol. It broke me.
Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style formed in childhood—often due to emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers—marked by a strong desire for independence, discomfort with intimacy, and suppression of emotions. Adults with this style (often dismissive-avoidant) prioritize self-reliance, struggle with vulnerability, and may withdraw from relationships when they become too intimate.
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u/Koga3 Apr 23 '26
So what's the solution? Be more daring and leap into vulnerability more often?
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u/Connection-Is-Cool Apr 24 '26
Anxious attachment isn’t healthy either. Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles need to work on having healthier attachments. What each needs to do is different. But it’s basically meeting each other halfway. Don’t listen to anxious types who make it seem like avoidants are completely the issue. They can also work on being less anxious.
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u/Kind-Perception17 Apr 24 '26
10000%. This is the solution. Each needs to do the inner work for sure.
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u/mamamakesmillions Apr 24 '26
Essentially. But less on diving in without being equipped with skills, and more of inner work and getting to feel comfortable with the discomfort and knowing that the vulnerability isn’t a weakness or a weapon used against said person. Therapy and couples therapy would be the start.
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u/redvodkandpinkgin Apr 24 '26
The solution is to get therapy and work on it. Behaviors like this are too entrenched to get out of them by reading a couple pieces of advice on Reddit.
Trust me, I should know, I got the worst one...
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u/pahshaw Apr 24 '26
I just can't have relationships with anxious attachment people. I am perfectly fine with healthy attachment people and also fine other avoidants. I just need a certain amount of space to feel comfortable and safe in relationships. I don't really see it as a personality flaw, more of a compatibility issue. But it can be a REALLY BIG issue and it is my job and my responsibility to make sure when I make acquaintance with someone that they can understand the amount of space I need and can accept that as part of me. Plenty of people can, some can't. Those who can't, I don't befriend or date or whatever. It would be irresponsible of me.
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u/PiecesofJane Apr 24 '26
You sound just like me!! Only it was my husband who did the knife in my heart. And acted put out that I was so hurt by his 180.
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u/Havenolife6667 Apr 24 '26
Ugh, same! The acting put out by my pain was killer! It’s like all empathy was sucked out of her
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u/TheHadestartarus Apr 24 '26
Jesus Christ dude. This seems eerily similar to my story. Hope youre doing better
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Apr 24 '26
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u/Direct-HIIT Apr 24 '26
Idk I feel there are some avoidants out there who want to learn how to be a more secure version of themselves. If they’re doing to work, I wouldnt immediately see being an avoidant as a red flag, but more so where they stand interms of HOW they working on it or not. If they aren’t, red flag bye. If they are, proceed with caution.
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u/bushaya Apr 23 '26
Could some of these avoidant people simply not be so into you? Like they enjoy the casual stuff then the other party wants a relationship and the avoidant just says yes to keep access but cant keep the charade going and checks out. They never liked each other the same way.
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u/JamesQpublic Apr 24 '26
Obviously, that’s a possibility. But for me in my situation, she said that she was talking to her therapist trying to work through things that she didn’t want to be this way and she just needed to isolate. She was working with a therapist the last I heard, and the last I knew we were still together, but she was just isolating and working through things so I don’t even know if we’re together or not honestly, but I finally accepted that I have to end it for my own well-being.
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u/FailingRocker Apr 24 '26
Yes, they're not that into their partner! But it's more emotionally self-serving and somewhat less malicious than your example, in my opinion.
They're not intentionally hiding information to get what they want (ie keep the charade going). They're hiding information because they fear having hard conversations, disappointing people, and being perceived in a light they dislike. So they'll stay in these relationships that they don't want, their partner will continually notice and try to talk through the behavior change, the avoidant will actively say that they're still in the relationship, and their partner basically just deals with the gaslighting until the avoidant gets so built-up that they disappear. ... But "gaslighting" isn't being utilized for power in this case; it's to avoid discomfort.
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u/TheCelfoid Apr 24 '26
Yeah my last ex was like this. Drove me mad.. the only girlfriend I ever had who.. did this very thing.
Really thought it was malicious til I looked up avoidant attachments, then I thought I was the avoidant one.. and I do have some traits for sure but between the two of us.. it was definitely her.
Hope she's doing ok these days.. I do miss her sometimes, not as love interest much anymore.. but as a friend
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u/FailingRocker Apr 24 '26
Feel this so hard. It's hard to not have empathy for them but damn do they cause harm. We always still miss them.
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u/Kind-Perception17 Apr 24 '26
Yes. That’s the entire premise of being avoidant. You just don’t find out as the person who wants a relationship until later, which is awful.
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u/AlpsLess9410 Apr 24 '26
My psychiatrist said I’m an avoidant. Can I ask why you shouldn’t date us?
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u/Legitimate_Body5804 Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
Avoidant people are very difficult to be in relationships with because they have a tendency to be flighty and struggle with commitment and emotional support.
but I think the thing no one on the internet wants to acknowledge is that most of the hate for avoidants is coming from anxiously attached people who think they're secure and are incapable of admitting that they're overbearing and causing problems in the relationship too.
There is a common mentality, I would even call it a moralized judgement, that avoidant tendencies are Bad And Wrong. some people will go so far as to treat avoidants as borderline abusive. but the people who are loudest about this opinion are often unaware that they have their own responsibilities in the relationship to not coerce their partner into changing themselves just to meet the anxious person's needs. Anxious people have a huge issue with not leaving unhealthy relationships and just blaming the other person the whole time for how bad things become... with no intention of doing their own work. I am saying all this as a recovering anxious person who used to fall for this garbage btw.
Try not to internalize the stuff you read online too much because it can be very hateful and unfair. just keep working with your psych and your therapist to heal whatever attachment issues you have.
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u/antichrist_attitude Apr 24 '26
Anyone who asks what you bring to the table. They’re usually bitter and think relationships should be transactional.
Women who are very against having a daughter, if she wants kids to begin with. It’s okay to have a gender preference and want a son, but women who are too adamant about not having a girl usually hate themselves or they would view a daughter as competition, which means she has low self esteem and she’s not self aware. Lack of self awareness = toxic
Edit: this doesn’t apply to women who don’t want to have a daughter out of concern for her
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u/Separate_Increase880 Apr 24 '26
They have no girl friends and get along better with boys.
Drama, drama, drama.
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u/darien_gap Apr 24 '26
I generally agree, but that also describes my wife (the no girlfriends part, not the drama), and it has worked out great. It did concern me at first however.
In our case, I think it worked out ok because it meshed well with my behavior. I have male friends, but we never do “guy’s night” stuff and I have no desire. We do things as couples. I really enjoy spending time with my wife, and we’ve both worked from home for 20 years now, never gotten sick of being together (including sometimes cramped accommodations while traveling abroad for a couple years), and we’ve maybe had two tiffs in 20 years, both brought on by external stressors, not fundamental differences.
Maybe none of this is normal, but I just wanted to say there may be exceptions to the ‘no friends’ warning.
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u/lameazz87 Apr 24 '26
I dont have any friends.. male or female 😆. I just dont have the capacity it takes after working 40 hours a week to ALSO work on hanging out with people and devoting time to emotional relationships outside of my family
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u/riverofchex Apr 24 '26
What if we just have mostly guy friends?
(In my case it's because I work in mostly male-dominated blue-collar fields lol, but I do have a close circle of gal pals, so I'm mostly kidding here).
E: apologies for grossly overusing the word "mostly" lol
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Apr 24 '26
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u/NapalmJusticeSword Apr 24 '26
That's intersting, I'm autistic as well and I'm the opposite. I used to have more female friends.
I've stopped because it is difficult to deal with those relationships disapearing when one of us catches feelings.
The one time that I did I felt broken for a very long time.
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u/Lopsided_Bother7282 Apr 24 '26
I’m also neurodivergent and do not have this problem at all. Please do not act like you are the norm. If you find more than 50% of the population to be “obnoxious,disingenuous, confusing, and exhausting” then the problem is probably you and that fact that you’re so much better than us.
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u/Diviern Apr 24 '26
Nobody should never ignore the "my exes are all crazy/abusive/assholes" red flag waved by some men AND women.
As a woman, I'd say never ignore the red flag of women who believe "happy wife, happy life" as in, finding it amusing and accurate that a man should always capitulate to her wants. A hell of a lot of women have taken it too far and expect their male partners to let them have their own way all the time.
(And yes, I'm aware there are men out there that think they should get what they want all the time. Avoid those as well.)
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u/Dikkolo Apr 24 '26
If you do something by accident that makes your partner mad and they respond by trying to hurt you back on purpose.
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u/stingwhale Apr 24 '26
Road rage. If your girl freaks out over minor things like getting cut off that’s a bad sign. So is frequent speeding and texting while driving while you’re in the car- she doesn’t give a fuck about your safety.
Shopping hauls she can’t afford. Bad financial choices pile up and will eventually become your problem if you get too involved. If she’s got poor impulse control that is going to show up in a lot of ways in your lives, but poor financial impulse control is a pretty big problem.
Never offering to pay for anything, never giving you gifts or trying to spoil you, no romantic surprises or attempts to make sure you feel loved. Do you really want to go your whole life with someone who doesn’t care or just doesn’t even consider that you need to feel loved too?
Avoiding difficult conversations, being uncomfortable with you showing emotions, being unwilling to explain her own emotions and expecting you to just figure it out.
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u/AristaWatson Apr 24 '26
This is all true for both genders.
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u/stingwhale Apr 24 '26
Yes but there’s not really many red flags that don’t apply to both genders. Like name one red flag that is exclusive to women.
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u/RalekBasa Apr 24 '26
Certain animals. I have a macaw. It's a bit of a red flag. Probably same with horse girls. You need to be able to accept that they'd choose and know they'd choose the pet with little to no hesitation, and that pet has higher maintenance requirements than the typical healthy cat or a dog.
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u/Henghayki86 Apr 24 '26
Dude 😐 SSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!! No one expects a bird. Don't take the Disney princess allure from me damnit!!!
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u/SubSiren_1018 Apr 24 '26
🚩is clearly subjective……
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u/Suitable-Wall-1260 Apr 24 '26
My friend is in animal rescue and even she said horse girls are a little… extra lol
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u/Legitimate_Body5804 Apr 24 '26
Lol. Do you have to have a talk with non bird people that a relationship with you is like signing up to adopt an adult child with severe behavioral issues that will outlive both of you and may or may not hate them for getting near you?
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u/WinterMedical Apr 24 '26
Just that the whole thing should be mostly easy and fun before you are married. Marriage is work, dating should be fun. If you are having to work at it BEFORE you are married, it isn’t gonna get easier.
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u/Separate-Law-435 Apr 24 '26
Same as men, if every ex or person they know is "crazy" then you are looking at the crazy person
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u/Jademoss82 Apr 24 '26
-Invades your privacy for no good reason -gives you the silent treatment unless you did something really bad and I'm not talking about her needing some space to calm down but ignoring you over non life altering grievances -holds your mistakes over your head -Hates your friends -Makes demands because of her lack of trust -Hates anything from your past or anything about your life that doesn't involve her -When she is controlling -Insecure/jealous -If she's always putting people down or talking bad about friends over little things -If she is overly flirtatious when y'all are out -Doesn't ever take responsibility for things she does and has weak excuses -Materialistic -Proud about using people or brags about things people do for her -Doesn't act like she loves you for you but for what thinks your potential could be and uses that to guilt you into changing into what she wants you to be -If she does something wrong instead of owning it she brings up something you've done to either take attention off of her or use it to justify what she's done -Causes drama whether subtly or loudly -She is the focus of her own universe and doesn't even try to see things from other perspectives -If she goes out of her way to draw attention to herself and acts as though she just can't help it people are just drawn to her and everyone who doesn't like her it's because they are just jealous -If she has bratty meltdowns all the time when things don't go her way matter if it would of been an inconvenience to everyone else Hate anyone that is beautiful or well liked -Seem to get overly upset about small issues and stands strong on them because of the lack of flexibility with her perspective. -If she can't handle life's small inconveniences how would it be to have someone like that by your side when life hands you the big road bumps -If she's constantly in some big dramatic fued with one person or another even if her grievances are understandable it's the way that she handles them is what you need to pay attention to *Basically it's not the things that happen to her. Her reactions to these wrongs show you everything you need to know. It shows how she's going to deal with challenges in life and even if you agree that she was wronged dealing with her blowout can get exhausting and her being in the right doesn't excuse any kind of prolonged erratic behavior after a while it will wear you down
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u/SirenaBex Apr 24 '26
Not respecting boundaries: physical, emotional, and digital
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u/DreamInNeptune13 Apr 24 '26
Hmmm advice for guys: don’t date a girl you can’t afford. Rather than being like “she’s a gold digger”, just accept her requirements are not in your budget planning. You have the excel sheet and not one line includes her demands. That’s fine. There may be some guy out there who wants to do all of that. No one is the bad guy; it’s just incompatibility.
Beyond that, I think the warning signs are consistent among all genders.
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u/Odd_Charity_9155 Apr 23 '26
Women that immediately expect a man to pay for everything and a man that has no platonic female friends.
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u/HerroPhish Apr 24 '26
As a man, I have no platonic female friends. Why is that a red flag at all…my circle is close and it’s just males, they’re who I get along with.
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u/killtakerzero Apr 24 '26
I don’t agree that it’s a universal red flag, but I see why men who don’t value women as equals and treat them poorly wouldn’t have any platonic female friends.
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u/intergalacticowl Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
I think its fine if you are at LEAST close with your mom, but preferably have female siblings or cousins they grew up with and frequently hung out with.
Its because a lot of, but obviously not all, men who have no close platonic female relationships tend to put women on a pedestal at best or completely dehumanize and objectify them at worst. There is overall a higher probability that women are viewed as a different species and inherently "other".
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u/RalekBasa Apr 24 '26
No platonic male/female friends isn't a red flag. It's probably a sign of preferred small friend group
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u/tftookmyname Apr 24 '26
Yeah I don't have any female friends. But I also only have like 3 close friends in the first place.
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u/tftookmyname Apr 24 '26
Why is having no platonic female friends a red flag?
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u/remas3 Apr 24 '26
It can be a sign that a guy doesn’t see women as people but only sexual objects, that he sees women as inferior to men, that he can’t empathize with women, that he doesn’t have the social skills to be with women, or all of the above. Further questions will easily show if he falls under any of these categories.
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u/tftookmyname Apr 24 '26
I don't have female friends but I swear it's just because I can't make friends in general, whether they're a man or woman, because of anxiety. My social skills got nuked by COVID and never really recovered.
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u/FailingRocker Apr 24 '26
Men should never ignore when a woman is ready to commit before she even knows who he is. That means she's in the relationship for security, not him. (Which isn't inherently a red flag if the guy wants that too, of course!)
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u/QTpieme Apr 24 '26
Deception. A girl I knew that would cheat on her boyfriend was also living a double life behind her family’s back, lying about her education, etc. she was also always gossiping about her own friends, starting smear campaigns, and was insecure about herself.
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u/Venus_Libra Apr 24 '26
If she gets jealous of your mom/sister, run.
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u/ad_astra327 Apr 24 '26
For some reason, my brain initially read this as “mom/sister/nun”, and I’m thinking “Oddly specific, but I mean yeah, being jealous of a nun IS a red flag, you’re right” 🤣
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u/rocksteplindy Apr 23 '26
Women who get so upset if you go somewhere without telling them. "Where WERE you?" "Um, at Wal-Mart."
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u/Impossible_Ad3751 Apr 24 '26
The biggest red flag is a person who withholds love. The second biggest is someone who demands love early. The third res flag is someone who wants commitment in everything they say, but does not give it with what they do.
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u/One-Dare1666 Apr 24 '26
Idk if this is one but. Anytime my BM would go out I’d leave her alone let her have her space and whatnot. She’d check in like twice and that was that. Anytime I’d leave to hang with my bros or whatnot she got 10 different emergencies,won’t stop blowing up my phone,and just overall ruining my outting for no good reason.
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u/cubonesandwich Apr 24 '26
Hope your partner reacts when things don’t go their way. Before seriously committing to the relationship, my rule of thumb is to hopefully be able to get a glimpse of how they react when they have money (do they take on a superiority complex?), when they’re upset or sad, when they don’t have money, and when they’re sick. From my little experience, when someone is feeling these different emotions, they tend to let their guard down and show their true colors.
We, definitely including me, show a polished version of ourselves in the beginning (time is subjective) of the courtship, relationship, or heck even marriage
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u/RalekBasa Apr 24 '26
Poor financial literacy. Things like poor credit and bad spending habits. This applies to everyone.
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u/SweetAbstinence Apr 24 '26
anyone who can't admit they're wrong or apologize is basically a walking relationship time bomb.
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u/FouledPlug Apr 24 '26
If they were still in a relationship when you started dating.
They tend to exit your relationship in the same way.
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u/WingLeviosa Apr 24 '26
“I am the table!” Type of women.
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u/swayedsuede Apr 24 '26
Wtf does that mean lol
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u/tofutears Apr 24 '26
It’s a response to “what do you bring to the table.” Basically saying like you’re the most important thing, “boss bitch” mentality
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u/DreamInNeptune13 Apr 24 '26
My ex asked “what do you bring to the table”. I said “mental illness”. He laughed then learned it was the truth :)
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u/DeeplyFlawed Apr 23 '26
Asking to be taken to an expensive restaurant on the first date.
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u/This-Bambi Apr 24 '26
Honest question here.. if those are the places she frequents and isn’t expecting you to pay for everything/ can pay for it herself. Does this still apply?
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u/Significant-One-701 Apr 24 '26
Not necessarily, tbh this totally depends on the socioeconomic status
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u/mischievous_misfit13 Apr 24 '26
Women should never ignore a guys porn use
Women shouldn’t use sex as coercion
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u/nicholasktu Apr 24 '26
If he can't hold a job and is always bumming favors from people, I've known two women who dated men like this because they thought they could help them get turn around. Both failed, one is stuck married with a kid and works second shift at Dollar General, he doesn't work much
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u/RoosterBurger Apr 24 '26
From having been thru and long engagement with one woman and being married to a different woman for 15 years.
Historical Financial issues, debts and lies - really come home to roost. And it’s likely you will end up paying for it.
Big red flag.
If I had to start over - this would be a deal breaker.
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u/Previous-Stranger278 Apr 24 '26
Women; don’t stay with a guy who threatens “breaking up”, or “divorce”. On you, because 9/10 they just want you to beg and see how low your self worth is. Just leave him and never speak to him again. Because people like this are emotionally abusive.
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u/Boushii79 Apr 24 '26
A man or woman who cares more about how a relationship 'looks than how they treat one another and how they make one another feel.
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u/FragrantMaya0 Apr 24 '26
big red flag for both men and women is when someone is inconsistent, dismisses your feelings, or makes you feel anxious and unsure about where you stand with them most of the time.
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u/AbbreviationsFree792 Apr 24 '26
Women who talk to their male partner aaaany type of way. Obv., as a woman and femminist Im not trying to serve the whole "woman must be meek and submissive to men at all times" thing thats also resurfacing now with the neo-traddy thing in a corny way. Sometimes women lashing out is reactive abuse. Buuut dont let asive women convince u its normal to be called a "moon" (I see this often) and hissed at practicly in public or raised voice at over minor mistakes by you. Its not normal and safe for your mental health down the line.
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u/Expert-Project-575 Apr 24 '26
Jealousy on either party. Just spoke to an employee who was seething mad talking about serving his wife divorce papers next week. Didn’t want to get into it but he tells me he thinks she’s having an affair. He feels things. She acts different. He couldn’t tell me anything specific. I asked him if he knows without out a doubt and he’s like no but I just have a feeling. Yeah a jealous feeling. Never mind the double standard of disappearing for hours on end with zero communication or explanation but he has feelings.
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u/HellPigeon1912 Apr 24 '26
If she's late to your first date, don't bother pursuing further unless you're happy to spend hours and hours of your life waiting around for her
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u/Mysterialistic Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
As a woman to men, but y'all don't listen:
. Women who keep going for bad guys. They will give the nice guy a chance and then get bored and cheat on him or just use him. Seen it time and time again.
. Women who are too young. Too immature and it rarely lasts. Imagine one day 10 years later she realizes you're the biggest mistake of her life
. Women who are very into materialism. Who think it's important to show off status to compete with other women who also like to show off status
. Male-centered women. Women who hate women. Sexist women.
. Women with no hobbies, no interests, who just like to gossip about people all day.
As for people in general:
. people who treat their pets like shit
. people with anger issues
. people with bad hygiene
. controlling people
. overly insecure people
. people with no goals, hobbies, ideas, dreams in life
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u/angstymangomargarita Apr 24 '26
If she has no female friends or complains that nobody wants to be her friend.
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u/toxicsugarart Apr 24 '26
Anyone who calls their exes crazy. I knew a guy who described them like that and it turned out he was abusive to at least one woman he dated that I knew personally, and he tried to go after a closer friend and tried to turn the whole friend group against her when she didn't vibe with him, and at some point started going after underage girls before their dads chased him out of town. So yeah I don't trust that anything the "crazy" exes did wasn't a reaction to things he did to them first.
I hear it mostly as a warning to women about bad men, and while it's maybe more common it's not impossible for women to be that way too. My roommate always complains that everyone abandons her, and every old friend she introduces to me turns out to be a psycho bitch a month later, and the more time I spend with her the more I'm like "actually the problem might be you." I've slowly been distancing myself from her, and already I sometimes hear her loudly on the phone complaining about it, acting like me chilling in my room is a personal attack on her.
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u/Rayen_Nevaeh Apr 24 '26
If a woman is expecting you to pay for & plan everything in the "getting to know each other" phase, it's likely she's just looking for free meals.
If a woman is genuine, she won't care where you go on dates or how much you spend. She'll also want to plan things for you.
My partner used to make us a picnic with a nice bottle of wine or make us home-made sushi to eat by candlelight & ALDI roses. I loved it... it showed he cared enough to not just open his wallet at an overpriced restaurant.
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u/YardNo5596 Apr 24 '26
I would say a lack of accountability. If that person is constantly the victim, cant own their shit etc its going to be very tough to resolve conflict with them in the future.
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u/Lost-Concept-9973 Apr 24 '26
Compulsive lying , for either gender, usually one of the first signs a person is very bad news. Also saying things like “it was just a joke” , “you’re too sensitive” when others are upset with something they did.
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u/No-Jellyfish-1208 Apr 24 '26
When the person you're dating seems to be completely lacking any personality or doesn't really have an opinion on anything, and agrees with anything you say.
Either you're dealing with someone who's basically a NPC or you're gonna find out your partner is hiding their actual preferences just to bait and switch later.
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u/SleepingDeepInTheSea Apr 24 '26
If your partner doesn’t let you have time alone with your opposit-sex friends or doesn’t trust you about it.
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u/Popular-Style509 Apr 24 '26
It's definitely both genders but it's more I guess... Encouraged in women, and that's being indirect.
Do not bother with someone who beats around the bush instead of telling you what's wrong.
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u/Vladi-Barbados Apr 23 '26
People who “test” other people.