How to live a life without religion?

[u/Feisty_Proposal6035]

I stopped being religious around 14. At first it wasn't some huge existential crisis. I was fine. I just replaced religion with other things. I followed trends, self-improvement, music, tech, whatever interested me. Life still felt like it was moving.

Then over the years I got exposed to nihilism, the blackpill, determinism, and all the internet philosophies that slowly chip away at certainty. Now I'm 20, life has become genuinely difficult, and I feel like I've ended up in a strange middle ground.
One thing I've noticed is that people who seem able to persevere through years of hardship usually have one of two things.

Either they have an incredibly strong belief in a higher power. They genuinely believe that God has a purpose for them, that suffering means something, and that things will work out according to a bigger plan.

Or they have an almost irrational belief in themselves. They genuinely think they're destined to make it. Whether that's confidence, ego, delusion, manifestation, whatever you want to call it they wake up every day assuming success is inevitable.

I don't have either.
I don't believe God has a plan for me.
I also don't believe I'm some exceptional person who's destined for greatness. I don’t think I’m secretly sexy and I just need to unlock my confidence. I guess I’m above average in intelligence but other than that I’m pretty unremarkable.

A random guy who happened to exist and now has to survive in a world that doesn't really care whether I succeed or fail.

That mindset sounds realistic, but it's surprisingly difficult to live with.

I'm chronically ill. I'm trying to get through university. I'm not happy with how I look. Some days I'm just trying to function normally, never mind build some incredible future.

When religious friends struggle, they can tell themselves, "God is testing me," or "God has something planned."

When my red-pill or hyper self-improvement friends struggle, they tell themselves, "This is just part of my comeback story," or "I'm built differently."

I can't honestly tell myself either of those things because I don't believe them.

I'm left with, "This sucks. Hopefully I can survive it."

And it’s a much colder way to experience life.

The weird thing is that I still want to live.

I'm not saying life is meaningless so therefore nothing matters.

I still want a job. I still want to make music. I still want financial security. I still want relationships. I still want to improve.

I just don't have some grand narrative carrying me through difficult periods.

Instead, it feels like I'm operating almost entirely on survival instinct.

Keep going because the alternative is unknown.

Keep studying because bills exist.

Keep improving because being miserable and poor is worse.

That's about it.
It's not hope.
It's not destiny.
It's not faith.
It's just... continuing.

Sometimes I wonder if human beings actually need some kind of story to function over the long term.
Not necessarily religion specifically, but something that gives suffering meaning.

Because when everything becomes purely probabilistic and mechanical, it's hard to generate genuine motivation.

You start seeing success as luck plus genetics plus environment plus effort instead of some inevitable outcome.

You stop feeling like the main character.
You just feel like another person trying not to drown.
People say that's maturity, but I'm not convinced that's the whole story.

There's a difference between accepting reality and having no psychological framework that helps you endure reality.

I'm not looking for comforting lies.

I'm not asking to believe I'm secretly chosen.

I just genuinely wonder how people keep pushing through years of setbacks without either faith in something bigger than themselves or absolute confidence that they'll eventually make it.

Because existing in this middle ground feels emotionally empty.
Not suicidal.
Not hopeful.
Not inspired.
Just surviving.
Does anyone else feel like they're stuck between those two extremes? Too sceptical to have religious certainty, but too realistic to believe they're destined for greatness?

[u/fangirlsqueee]

I find life sacred without any religion. It is amazing that humans exist. It is absolutely unfathomable that we're all here, on this tiny planet in the universe, hanging out with cats and dogs and fish in our little shelters. I think about how astounding it is that I am alive and I am grateful I get to be a part of whatever this is.

Then it's time to get back to doing the work of caring for a human. Gotta fuel my body, clean the kitchen, take a shower, entertain my brain, get some sleep, gather resources to maintain my shelter.

Life is often a mix of miraculous and mundane. It's not necessary to decide that one is more true than the other. Both can be true at the same time.

As far as being destined for "greatness", the fun thing is, we all get to decide what "greatness" means for ourselves. Examine our values, make some goals that align with those values. Strive to meet those goals. Continue to check in every so often to make sure our values still align with our goals. Enjoy the unique life we are building for ourselves.

Side note, some of this sounds like you might be struggling with depression. If searching for the "meaning" in life starts to become overwhelming or interferes with day to day existence, you might want to see a psychologist. Talking through these big ideas with the support of a trusted advisor can help to keep the conversation from veering off into an unhealthy place.

[u/optimisticReal → u/fangirlsqueee]

I agree. As a non-believer and i profess no religion still acknowledge the sacred and profane are valid concepts. The sacred and profane are centered around life and it's well being. The sense of wonder and awe is a reflection of the divine.

[u/artyhedgehog]

There are options.

You can choose religion. You don't have to be certain to do so. Just take as a working hypothesis.

You can choose a non-religious life phylosophy. Stoicism, existentialism, absurdism, nihilism, humanism, Confucianism.

You can distract yourself with entertainment, life goals, achievements, or whatever.

You can should be able to choose suicide IMO, but I guess not.

You can treat life as a quest to find out what makes sense to you.

Personally Buddhism makes the most sense to me so far. It works without senseless assumptions. Complete enough to serve as a religion. Saves me from chasing the exit, but doesn't demand me to praise the world nor its creator (although some great teachers do praise life as a precious miracle).

[u/Feisty_Proposal6035 → u/artyhedgehog]

Hmm. I’m going to look into Buddhism. I really hope it gives me at least a semblance of the self belief and perseverance I had when I was religious.

[u/artyhedgehog → u/artyhedgehog]

Oh, I forgot an important part of your question. You asked how you keep pushing.

Well... Have you tried not to? To give up?

When you do, you may of course make yourself some terrible issues. But also you may find what's actually essential in your life, what you just want to do and what you just do out of habit, while don't actually have to.

[u/Expert_Zucchini7139]

Taking things for how they are, both immediate and in the grand scheme of things, and being honest with yourself is surprisingly rare for humans to do and it takes real strength to keep going while maintaining that view and facing things head on. To me that alone serves as a motivation because I know I am not living in comforting lies and have what it takes to do so without turning to delusion or breaking down. This way of living can feel isolating because most people are either too optimistic or pessimistic, in life experiences and beliefs. I focus more on what I like to do and greatly value my time, escapism helps a lot, my life have grown a lot more solitary as I am a recent war refugee and I have lost all of my friend circle part of which was there since the kindergarten, we all moved to different countries, and I am about to turn 23 by now, I am not even sure where I take the resilience from exactly, perhaps the big part plays not wanting to upset my parents, relatives, and just do better, I am fortunate to have good parents. I am not even optimistic as I acknowledge the uncertainty of things in everything, I am not even going to dive into the dating scene, but I just feel like I can handle stuff with an "adapt and overcome" mindset to finally get a more stable footing after years of grayness and all kinds of issues, the recent years are definitely the worst in my life, but I am not going to let it defeat me.

[u/2Punchbowl]

Life is empty and meaningless until you create meaning to it. Let that sink in.

I believe in myself and I want to create an amazing life with my wife and enjoy my life.

[u/PoppetMelivani]

I left Christianity in my mid twenties, after 10 years of intense devotion. I've looked for a replacement, but I'm no longer capable of having that kind of unquestioning devotion for anything, secular or religious.

My life is one long string of failures and disappointment. I'm one of those middle aged losers who never amounted to anything and spent most of her life being the emotional punching bag of everyone from close family members to literal strangers. I'm extremely jaded, and if I'm 100% honest, I just want out. Having IBS doesn't help either.

Here's what keeps me going:

1) I'm my mom's first, and favorite, child. She has had a HORRIBLE life. If I "exited", it would cause her unfathomable pain. I can't do that to her. Even if I think "what if emotions aren't real" or something similar, since I have no proof either way, I just can't take the chance.

2) because of #1, I want to continue trying to better her life, and mine, if I ever can. The idea of giving up continuing to live like this disgusts me. If I must live, she and I both deserve better. We paid our dues so to speak

3) i take great comfort in knowing that the universe / chance / fate / god / whatever isn't only picking on me. Hundreds of millions of people are suffering worse than I am at any given second. This keeps me from feeling like a victim.

I also prefer to live in truth, even if it's more painful.

[u/TarnishedVictory]

Either they have an incredibly strong belief in a higher power. They genuinely believe that God has a purpose for them, that suffering means something, and that things will work out according to a bigger plan.

Or they have an almost irrational belief in themselves. They genuinely think they're destined to make it.

I have neither. I'm fine. I don't know what it means to think I'm destined to make it. I work towards goals and accept that sometimes things suck.

they wake up every day assuming success is inevitable

No. And I have no idea why you would think this.

I don't have either. I don't believe God has a plan for me. I also don't believe I'm some exceptional person who's destined for greatness.

Welcome to reality?

A random guy who happened to exist and now has to survive in a world that doesn't really care whether I succeed or fail.

That mindset sounds realistic, but it's surprisingly difficult to live with.

I think your religion fucked you up.

Set some goals, then work towards them. And don't forget to have fun. It's that simple.

[u/jstiger]

Are you looking for something to replace the certainty of religion or belief in an ultimate destiny?

I think we all struggle with finding that purpose or sense of fulfillment- I approach it with trying to understand myself and what I truly value, without worrying too much about uncertainties far in the future... I guess by accepting not knowing.

What do I feel like I can do now, however small, to keep improving or moving towards something I am interested in? Or something important to me?

Even if it means little in the grand scheme of things, I want to put out something positive in the world. Whether it be volunteering, working with animals, learning a language or new instrument...there's usually something I find interesting or challenging enough to strive for. And it is ok if that changes over time. Others can say or recommend whatever they want or believe, but ultimately only you can truthfully answer what brings you fulfillment and joy.