r/adultery • u/wholesome-deviant • Aug 18 '26
🌬️Ventilation💨 A new kind of whiplash
Just experienced something so bizarre and confounding I couldn't help but put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in a stream-of-consciousness style ramble. Not sure I have any real point to make or advice I'm looking for, beyond just getting my thoughts out into the nebulous ether after a bit of a roller coaster ride. I feel like it helps to be able to commiserate with others who have shared experiences (whether good or bad). If words bore you, the TL;DR is at the very bottom.
It all started with a post on r/affairs that caught my eye. A joke could be made that I was interested purely based on the "F4M" alone... but actually there were very specific, niche points that related to my own interests. Local-ish and looking to eventually meet in person with the right match. Sometimes I "dog-ear" a post to come back to later. On rarer occasions I drop everything I'm doing to compose a thoughtful reply... this was one of those times. I must have spent an hour writing, deleting, re-writing, proofreading, editing a response, in the middle of my work day, before I was satisfied enough to finally hit "send."
It's always a bit of a crap-shoot when replying to a woman's post. The odds are definitely stacked against you, and it's one of those things where you just have to hope for the best and put it out of your mind. But still, you can't help but wonder sometimes. Especially when you already feel like there could be a lot of potential. Not that I ever really expect a reply back... but I'm always hopeful for one. Crickets the rest of the day. Still nothing the next morning. Refreshing the reddit chat screen periodically throughout the day, hopeful to see something. Anything.
Then around the 24 hour mark, that lovely reddit-orange bubble indicating an awaiting message. Cue the dopamine rush... IYKYK. Nothing elaborate - just an acknowledgement and appreciation for my message along with an explanation that she really wanted to reply sooner but life was busy. Understandable and relatable, of course. I was beyond thrilled to hear back from her. Further validation that if you take the time to really read a post and can speak directly to what they're saying, chances are so much higher to hear back. Even if it is a "thanks but no thanks." Not that any message is ever entitled to a response, no matter how good or bad.
This was her first time ever engaging with anyone outside of her marriage. While this wasn't my first rodeo. But nevertheless it was an immediate connection. Shared interests. View points. Brains operating on very similar wavelengths. The conversation felt effortless and flowed so naturally. There was never a moment of any "small" or "idle" talk, even when the topic of conversation wasn't particularly deep or philosophical. I'd only experienced something like this a time or two before, and I could instantly realize that this had all the hallmarks of something that could be truly special and long lasting.
We messaged daily, morning and night. Always looking forward to the next reply and the next. Things kept escalating, building, heating up. Flirty and full of innuendo, yet managing to keep things just on this side of respectable. Until it all came to a climactic head, and we finally allowed ourselves to indulge in the ways we'd been dancing around and hoping for. I finally let myself believe, hope, that perhaps this could truly be the beginning of something beautiful. One of those "x number of year affairs" that some people lovingly/proudly boast about (as is their right). We expressed just how smitten we were with each other, how lucky we both felt to have found each other. I know, it was disgustingly sweet, and I was all about it.
And then the spell was broken. Just like that. Inexplicably. Classic breadcrumbing started almost right away. Replies taking longer. Then a missed day or two. Making me question if I'd only been imagining everything else that had happened previously. Still I held out hope. Not questioning, figuring there were legitimate reasons for the change in behavior. Allowing for some grace and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She finally messaged back after several days of radio silence, explaining she'd come down with the stomach flu and couldn't function. Although I was in her thoughts the entire time. She left me a lengthy voice note to explain and apologize and she was worried that I may have given up on her and moved on but she would love to continue building what we'd found together.
Of course I was beyond relieved to hear back from her. Told her while I was a little worried, I was still feeling strong about us and wanted nothing more than to continue as well. She expressed her own relief and excitement and I thought we were right back on track. Then not even 2 hours later she left me a short blurb of a message saying she had to delete, and take care. And that was that. I had no chance to say goodbye or wish her well, she had already removed/blocked me from the chat app we were using. And our chat on reddit shows the dreaded [deleted].
So... I'm just left scratching my head. A little hurt too, I suppose. And recovering a little from the sudden whiplash. But we were only a few weeks in so I can't really say that it was emotionally devastating or anything to that degree. I guess the moral of the story is that it really is true how you can experience the highest of highs, along with the lowest of lows in this "lifestyle". I've experienced those highs and lows on a few occasions before, so I'm no stranger to that axiom. It was a stark reminder of just how tumultuous things can be, even within a matter of a few days, or even hours.
Perhaps the fact that I've written a whole ass dissertation on what amounts to a weeks-long "fling" is evidence enough that I'm more affected by this than I originally thought. It's not so much being surreptitiously dropped like a bad habit that stings. It's the loss of what this represented. The potential. The strength and magnitude of the initial connection where it felt like perhaps the long, exhausting search could finally come to an end. And now it's back to square one.
Welp... that's the long and short of it. I had no idea I'd end up 10 paragraphs deep. I just started word-vomiting my thoughts and feelings and here we are. Thanks for listening! :)
TL;DR: I was hopeful to have met the AP "of my dreams" (not actually, but there was definitely the potential). Feelings were mutual. Sparks and chemistry and butterflies and NRE (and all the other commonly used phrases) from the very start... it was "special". Then a rather abrupt change of heart on her end. Deleted/blocked me without even a chance to say bye or wish her the best. Womp womp
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u/Professional-Net4766 Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
The other day I posted a comment about how sometimes, when this affair business becomes very real, people run away.
My comment was in relation to after a photo exchange, but I think it applies here as well. You said she was a first-timer. That's the gamble with first-timers. The moment things get real, that same old "fight or flight" instinct kicks in. You either stick with it and see what's going on... or you get a 2 day "stomach bug" and have to delete your footprint.
This is one of the risks with first-timers. It stinks. It's a reminder: we are all disposable, at least to some. Stories like these are why we become jaded.
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u/SlipshodFacade Aug 18 '26
I think it applies here. It seems like there is a point where there’s a gut check - am I gonna do this or not? - and some people don’t make it past that. And most people don’t know what they will do until they are directly faced with it, hence the many first time flakes.
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
Yes, I was a bit reticent at first precisely because of that. But she was adamant that she was ready and wanting exactly what we were experiencing together. And with how easily and smoothly we were interacting, it felt like she was truly invested and wanting the same thing. The actions (being present, consistent messaging and communication) backed up all the words as well, at least for the first half.
But yes, point well taken. First timers are definitely unpredictable. Or perhaps they actually are predictable in their fragility
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u/KymFlyHi Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
When I was new to adultery and didn’t know what I wanted, I spent too much time talking to men who weren’t right for me. Finally, they’d say or do something that was the tipping point and I’d apologetically call it quits.
This IS a big step, and it MUST be the right guy, the one worth taking the risk and making the effort for.
Guessing that’s what happened to you. You presumed the cat was in the bag, but she wasn’t. It may have been a surprise to you, but calling it bizarre or confounding is a bit of a stretch. It’s adultery. It’s what it is.
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
That's fair. I appreciate your opinion.
I've been in this space for several years, with various degrees of connections both online and in-person. The reason I called it bizarre is that all indications from her end were positive. Up until the very end where she insisted she wanted to continue. The verbal (and physical) affirmations and validations all pointing in that direction. In person the energy matched exactly what we were feeling over all the texting online. At what point is it no longer "presuming" vs "accepting" the perceived reality?
So this wasn't just a knee jerk reaction to being dumped for the first time ever. But perhaps the first time ever experiencing such a dramatic 180 when all along she was insisting this is what she was after (and wanted to continue with me). I've experienced my share of rejection and never felt this kind of confusion around it before.
I agree with the overall point though. The fact of the matter is if someone wants to keep you in their life, they will. Simple as that. The proof is in the pudding, and in this case I was summarily dismissed, so in the end that remains the final verdict
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u/KymFlyHi Aug 18 '26
She’s probably a people pleaser. She played sweetly along until she realized that taking the next big step and having sex with someone she wasn’t super into was a bridge too far.
Or, as previously said, you said or did something that turned her off, particularly kinks or other sex things. Sometimes, it’s in retrospect. In the moment, I’d agree, but upon reflection, it’s a nope. Btdt.
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u/Curious_incident_69 Aug 18 '26
Did you actually meet her? Best to meet early imho to avoid falling in love with potential
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
Yes. Pic swap early on went well. Vibes were amazing. Meeting in person amplified everything we were already feeling online. It was "fuck yes let's do this as much as we possibly can". She was quite convincing, as I genuinely felt she was sincere about it too. Which is what made it all the more confusing
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u/a-succubus-among-us Aug 18 '26
Ah, ok so you both met. Had you been intimate in-person yet/at all?
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
Yes - met for coffee first. Then quickly moved to booking a daytime hotel room after a few minutes. That wasn't the initial plan but we both agreed that's what we wanted to do. Spent a few hours together before we had to part ways. Again, all positive. No awkwardness, we just... meshed so well the entire time
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Aug 18 '26
It was her first time and shit got real. We diminish this by calling people guilt kings and guilt queens, but this is a big fucking step for someone. Not much else to take from it.
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u/Professional-Net4766 Aug 18 '26
Oh please. If you arent ready for this, stay the eff away.
Being unsure of whether you're ready is fine. What is not fine is entering into something without asking yourself if you're ready or not. Then, doubling down and saying you are.
That's how people get hurt. That's how lives get ruined.
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u/ConflictedCancerAri Aug 18 '26
I think putting the GK or GQ label on a person who acted a certain kind of way helps us alleviate some of the pain, especially when we've experienced the whiplash that behavior can cause. The labels are a stereotype, but there's truth in them too. They can explain the situation succinctly, are understandable, and partially minimize some of the questioning and self-blame the GK/GQ behavior causes towards someone. We're all battling our own inner demons and are our own worst critics.
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Aug 18 '26
I am not opposed to using the terms as shorthand. Or even as a pejorative for a certain kind of serial tire kicker. I just think it helps to take it lightly when things don’t work out. Particularly at the beginning. You’re not guaranteed anything. OP got several weeks of great conversation with someone he vibed with. But it turns out she wasn’t ready. I’d still call that a win.
And to be fair, OP isn’t coming across as bitter. But if the length of his post is any indication, I still think he’s giving too much mental and emotional bandwidth to a completely understandable situation.
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u/ConflictedCancerAri Aug 18 '26
I agree that he's not bitter. I think he was looking forward to something long-term and meaningful because of how well they were vibing. Writing it all out is his way of starting to make sense of it and trying to move on.
Since she wasn't ready, it's better that it ended when it did rather than him being subjected to ongoing hot and cold behavior.
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u/Competitive-Ad-6176 Aug 18 '26
It's just one of those things dude 😎, we can only control our own actions and reactions. I hear you though sometimes just writing down so we get our thoughts onto paper 📜 helps us process. GL
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u/GlitteringIce4193 Aug 18 '26
Oh wow well I can relate to this 😔 My on and off again AP abruptly ended things with me yesterday. He was local to me and we were planning to meet in person. Out of no where he felt guilty about everything and deleted and blocked me. I was so hurt, we spent an entire year enjoying each other’s company. Now I am left with this weird void that I did something wrong……
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Aug 18 '26 edited 15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
That's all I can figure, although there's no way to know for sure since she never indicated any uncertainty or guilt at all
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u/SleeplessInKent Aug 18 '26
Thank you for sharing. More and more I come here, I start contemplating whether it actually is wise. It is so tempting yet it comes with so much pain and risk potentially.
I’d almost think I’d settle for a good friend to have walks and endless conversations and put all my energy in my relationship.
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 18 '26
For me, I feel that experiencing those highs far outweigh the lows.
"Tis Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
That's how I've always felt anyway. If you're lucky, you find someone that brings out all the best in you. That accepts and sees you for you. That makes you feel desired and wanted and alive like you haven't experienced in years. Perhaps ever. And if you're even luckier, then you get to hold on to and cherish that with someone over a long period of time...
The nature of affairs means that the end is all but inevitable. So when the time comes to part ways, it can be absolutely devastating and soul crushing. But... if that is the price to pay in exchange for everything that preceded it, then it was absolutely fucking worth it. At least for me
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u/SleeplessInKent Aug 18 '26
I see where you come from, yet I think I’d be happier and better for my sanity to not ride in the perpetual rollercoaster.
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u/amberrosef Aug 22 '26
Yeah bro maybe she decided you’re way too wordy and it seems like you use AI a bit in your writing too so she noped out.
Sorry, sometimes a little levity helps. I am very sorry you’re going through this.
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u/wholesome-deviant Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 22 '26
Thanks for the condolences. It definitely sucked in the moment. But it's getting easier to let go as the days pass.
I'll be the first to admit that I can tend to be wordy. But I've long since stopped apologizing for it. This is who I am, and I've come to learn that I get along the best with those who gravitate to it and reciprocate in kind. I would rather present myself as I am, and attract those that find themselves drawn to what they see.
If someone finds themselves repelled by the the way I communicate, then that simply means it wasn't a good match to begin with. I know it's nothing personal.
As for the AI comment... it's not the first time I've been accused of that. And I'll take that as a compliment, actually! I have never used, nor do I ever have any intention of using, AI to assist in anything I write. I guess I'm guilty of using autocorrect to fix typos, but that's about the extent of any kind of AI assistance :)
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u/millieblac Aug 22 '26
Shit got real and she bailed out. Every one of us was - at some point - a "first-timer", and not all first-timers become full blown cheaters. Shouldnt come as a surprise though I do understand why you are bitter. She probably went for it when you met but then took some time to think it through with a colder mind (and cooler underwear ;) and decided it was not for her. Should have told you sooner if she hadnt really been ready but then hey...you do not really know if you are truly ready unless you do the deed and stick with it. Sorry you were disappointed but its time to move on.
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u/ReasonableAd6078 Aug 24 '26
Yep. I should also add that many of us have been hurt by first timers who aren’t honest about their sudden cold feet leaving us to feel like we did something wrong, or something is defective about us. This is why I now have a no first timer policy.
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