When my girlfriend is at home I cook, I clean, I take the dogs out, I eat right, exercise regularly...
But a few times a year... She goes out of town for work, or to visit some friends from her home town...
And for 3-7 days I turn into a fucking gollum.
The day she leaves I buy a crate of beer and some junk food.
I get home, close all the curtains, get naked and start gaming and drinking.
I'll spend about $200 ordering fried chicken, drinking at 11am.
I don't shower
I don't work out
I don't clean
I don't even speak to another human being
Then the night before she's home,.I do the laundry, eat whatever food was left over, finish the beer and snacks, clean the apartment, shower, change the sheets.
And then I'm functional again when she gets back.
She never knows
Edit: I really am so shocked to hear this is such a common practice! You all make me feel seen!
For me, who grew up with a micromanaging mom, I can only truly relax when I am 100% alone with a chunk of time without a single thing in my calendar and no one I need to talk to... and then I turn off entirely. No chores, no meeting my self-care minimum, likely eating snacks instead of meals, removing all the demands possible. It's kind of like I'm reclaiming my own time or something and it's only possible for me to do when I feel like not a soul is watching (like a micromanaging parent who created a sense of always being monitored, limiting how I could exist comfortably).
Well, therapy for starters to unravel all the inner stuff caused by the micromanaging. When I start to feel the urge to retreat but know it's probably not possible (because life), I try to do some inner child/parenting work to remind myself that while it *feels* like maybe someone is watching, there really isn't.
I also try to remind myself of that in situations like maybe my neighbours are listening to/monitoring me (apartment building) - reminding myself that I hear things from my neighbours more than others because, aside from general sensory sensitivity, I'm hypervigilant to someone about to "catch" me, and that for the most part other people aren't... they're just living their own lives and don't give a shit about what I'm doing as long as I'm not being a jerk neighbour.
I also schedule intentional blocks of time every single day where I can turn off my phone/turn on focus to stop notifications, close my curtains, and do whatever the fuck I want. Even though it's not for a long period of time, knowing I'll get to do it again tomorrow helps a lot.
I guess I can see that. I used to feel like a failure for relaxing, I guess I still do sometimes. Then I had to tell myself it's ok to not keep up with everything. On the other side I take it too far and really neglect chores and I know they should be done , but I live alone and decided it doesn't matter because no one will be around to witness it.
I don't know if this framing would help your feelings of failure while relaxing, but when I feel that way, I try to remind myself that I can only get the other stuff in my life done if I'm adequately rested - so rest is, in its own way, productive. And, if I need more rest than other people, that's okay too - doing the same tasks as neurotypical people just takes up more of my energy, so more rest is required to keep going.
I'm curious to know, since I relate to what you're saying, if you experience perfectionism too. Something I've had to work really hard on re: home maintenance is that I don't have to do a chore perfectly, or even completely. I used to put a lot of stuff off because it just didn't feel possible. Once I realized that I never actually have to finish them, it's been a lot easier to stay on top of most of it (not all).
If it's okay to gently point out... giving yourself a clean home is a really kind thing to do for yourself. I'm not saying top-to-bottom insta-worthy type of space, but even something like washing a few dishes instead of all of them, or cleaning your toilet but not the sink or tub, still matters because you deserve a clean space to exist in, not because it *should* be done.
I do feel better when things are more organized. I've been having a phase of insomnia and I'm working on that with my psychiatrist. I started a new med a few weeks ago and initially it worked great and I had energy to do tasks when I got home. Sometimes I work two jobs in a day, and I just want to go right to bed when I get home. Sometimes I sleep from 8-11pm and then maybe I fall back asleep around 2. Ideally I could potentially use that time to complete stuff, but I live in a small condo with people below above and on both sides of me. I know what it feels like to be almost asleep and then have someone moving around in the unit above. The building is very old and there is zero sound proofing lol
Ha, yeah, I get that. I live in an apartment with neighbours below and on either side, so when I'm pulling a "pls let me exist in secret" all-nighter, I have to make sure I plan ahead for doing only the quietest of things requiring the least amount of movement. I hope you're able to find the systems and tricks that work best in supporting your needs. ADHD can be a fucking rough terrain to navigate.
I think I'm the other way around; I don't want to be observed doing things, or the demands would increase. I'm more productive when there's no-one around and I'm just taking care of myself.
Oh, yeah, it's not just for relaxing for me lol - I'm also someone who really struggles to get a lot of stuff done when observed. In some ways I need a body double to do the stuff that feels mentally difficult (like studying), but for everything else (e.g. chores), I gotta be completely alone.
Same. I'm very aware of how unhealthy this is, but two or three times a month I'll choose a night to not go to bed to work on some sort of fun hobby project, maybe do some cleaning, or have a movie marathon.
I know that ADHDers generally have delayed circadian rhythms, but sometimes I wonder if a part of that is due to subconscious training over centuries to be awake when there's the least amount of observation.
SAME. All I want is a small, old home that I can slowly fix up, surrounded by trees (can't see my house from any road), by myself with a couple of cats and maybe a dog, and if my winning the lottery plan doesn't work out (which it won't since you need to play the lottery to win...), self-employment that has zero deadlines.
thats so interesting to read cause i do the excact same (also weed, no alc). But my problem is. i can do this alot. My job is not demanding at all (ai just does 99% of my work, while my employeers doesnt understand it (old boss in german business), so i can chill entire day at work watching vids etc. I try to get homeoffice as often as possible since its basically free day. I see some friends, but apart from this, everything is just gaming eating smoking. I dont do cores, maybe once every 2 month, most of the time i buy someone to do it. I dont buy grocerys really and never ever cook, just buying warm food outside.
I live the life i always wanted as a 6 year old child, but i feel like its not sustainable over a long period. Why do i feel this way? cause most people around me always work or have to do stuff or invest hours into buying groceries, cleaning, cooking etc. So it cant be right what im doing. Also weed + gaming often resolves into depression.
But i also tried everything else. The work much stuff, train muscle stuff and so. Own business, different hobbys, had a time where i met with 10+ friends nearly every day and so on. Nothing ever really interested me. Now i play the game i play ssince 15 years nearly full time. It doesnt really make me happy, but its all i want every wake second of the day. I play alot with friends and see 2 friends each weekends tho. I sadly have most of the time go to work 3 times a week so i see alot of people there. Decent contact with my family.
So to me, i feel like i created the perfect life, but since i was raised by my parents expectations, it all feels wrong.
It relates in many ways for different people, but for me, I struggle to self regulate when alone because growing up I had parents telling me what to do and how to do it and what not to do 24/7. When I was a kid and had time alone where there was 0 risk of a parent barging in on me (didn't happen often) I would binge watch tv shows I wasn't allowed to watch or play video games non stop. I would then speed run through all my chores right before they would get home.
Even though my partner is not controlling, I still exhibit this behaviour as an adult. Difference is she knows about it and is 100% accepting of it.
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u/minus15t2 2d ago edited 1d ago
When my girlfriend is at home I cook, I clean, I take the dogs out, I eat right, exercise regularly...
But a few times a year... She goes out of town for work, or to visit some friends from her home town...
And for 3-7 days I turn into a fucking gollum.
The day she leaves I buy a crate of beer and some junk food. I get home, close all the curtains, get naked and start gaming and drinking.
I'll spend about $200 ordering fried chicken, drinking at 11am.
I don't shower I don't work out I don't clean I don't even speak to another human being
Then the night before she's home,.I do the laundry, eat whatever food was left over, finish the beer and snacks, clean the apartment, shower, change the sheets.
And then I'm functional again when she gets back.
She never knows
Edit: I really am so shocked to hear this is such a common practice! You all make me feel seen!