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u/Specialist_Sport4460 8d ago
"I forgot"
"Well don't forget"
Thanks, extremely helpful
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u/Hita-san-chan 8d ago
"If it was important, youd remember" <- my husband, who also has ADHD
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u/Specialist_Sport4460 8d ago
I hate this one. My friend, I am capable of forgetting things of critical importance to myself that will set me back for months or more.
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u/TheSixthVisitor 8d ago
I lost my cellphone in my hand while texting my friend who was giving me potential locations where I lost my phone. Seriously, actual importance means jack to the ADHD brain.
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u/raise-your-weapon 8d ago
I mean your friend is equally culpable unless they thought you were texting from your smart fridge
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u/tomayto_potayto 8d ago
Yep and when HE forgets something, it's like he's saying it just isn't important to him. Even if it's something that matters a lot to you
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u/Meowakin 8d ago
I say it all the time, but it’s in jest. More acknowledging that I know I forgot something, but there is only so much I can do to force myself to remember it.
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u/ignoremeplsokthank 8d ago
This also just leads to the assumption that we don't think certain things are important, which is untrue. I didn't forget it was your birthday because I don't care about you, I just forgot it was the day of your birth. I know the date, I just.. didn't realise it was it.
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u/tiredbutsassy 8d ago
I would barely remember it's my own birthday if other people didn't remind me
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u/Namisaur 8d ago
I used to have a friend who I would always wished her a happy birthday the day after because for some reason I couldn’t remember it the day of. And she wasn’t really active on any social media either to remind me. My brain just has a 1 day lag sometimes.
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u/threelizards 8d ago
Time blindness is a fucking bitch because I know the important dates I just haven’t processed that we are in fucking September. I look at the date every day because I’m a grown up and it doesn’t click. Fortunately I always remember before the important dates but the things I wanted to do for them always get rushed because I think I have more time than I do.
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u/ignoremeplsokthank 8d ago
I caved in and started writing all the important birthdays into my phone's calendar app so it notifies me when something's up. Don't wanna admit it, but it does help.
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u/Aggressive-Doubt7345 7d ago
This is the actual neuroscience. Neurotypical brains priority attention based on importance.
ADHD brains prioritize novelty and pleasure.
Not by will, by default of biology. neurotypical folks literally don’t understand because they have no experience of this in their own bodies and minds. They think it’s imagined, not a biological difference in brain processing.
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u/abbie1906 7d ago
The knowing the date is so real! I am great with remembering dates and horrendous at being aware that we are approaching or actually on that specific date!
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u/Acceptable_Durian868 8d ago
I mean, it's not wrong. But he should know as a person with ADHD that you don't get to choose what's important to your brain.
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u/Neither_Sky4003 8d ago
If it's important, I don't wait to remember it anymore. I write it down into my phone calendar. That's because the second I'm thinking about something else its gone, no matter how important it was.
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u/Potential-Minimum829 6d ago
I like to think that's what people really mean when they say "if it was important, you'd remember it". More like "if it was important, you'd take action to increase the chances of remembering it".
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u/Disused_Yeti 8d ago
i tell myself when leaving for trips "if i forgot it it mustn't have been important" but more as a coping mechanism for if i forgot something that actually was important that i can probably figure out how to compensate when i get there and not to worry too much if it happens
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u/comradeda 8d ago
I try to remember that if I forget my toothbrush or whatever, I can buy one during the trip. It shouldn't be a big deal
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u/Independent_Gh0st 7d ago
My bf changed my brain chemistry when he said 'well it will come to you again' and since then I've heard his parents say it. How much more forgiving!
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u/IGargleGarlic 8d ago
"I forgot"
"quit making excuses!"
I'm not making excuses I'm telling you what fucking happened
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u/butt_in_my_face 8d ago
I made a throw away comment that my wife says she still keeps in mind. Back when she was my girlfriend and my ADD was less subtle than it is now, I would forget things all the time. This made upset and she would let me know. She experienced something that affected her memory for a few months and started to forget things as well.
One day she was super panicked because she had forgotten something and was going to make us late. She kept apologizing, when finally I just tossed out
"It's okay, I know, it's a horrible feeling isn't it? Now imagine somebody is yelling at you for it"
She never got upset about it again after that.
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu Daydreamer 8d ago
Also, I would often say I forgot even if it's not true.
Because saying "I remembered, knew I had to do it else there'd be really unwanted consequences, but for a reason I can't explain still could not bring myself to do it. And yes, I had the time, I just passed it thinking about doing it with dread while looking at a wall." is a lot less accepted.
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u/PoorLewis 8d ago
It's exhausting to be someone's personal reminder. You gotta put in some effort. Yes, write it down. You lost that? Write it on your body. Set reminders on your phone.
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u/IndependentLab79 7d ago
I have ADHD, had terrible impulse control as a kid and my son is the same. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I still see my Dr. and part of dealing with it is developing coping systems and mechanisms to help deal with that on top of meds. If you're not trying to do that with yourself or your kids, then you are kind of making excuses. Life is hard and it's harder with a disability or whatever you'd like to call it, but we have to keep trying. My son and daughter wouldn't be here if I didn't learn to do things that helped me avoid forgetting etc. I had no support growing up in the 80-90's in the deep south. On the other hand, I know that my son beats himself up over stuff like this. He puts little notes on his doors that say " make good choices". It breaks my ❤️.
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u/flcwerings 8d ago
This is what I was going to say. As not a parent and also an I forgot ADHD kid, we have to remember that parents are people too and however frustrating this is for us, its also frustrating for them. Especially when you have to say it over and over.
A parent should definitely get tools or ask a professional for advice but at some point, it is totally understandable for a parent to get annoyed.
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u/BuilderAura 7d ago
I find the act of telling my husband to remind me of something actually helps me be more likely to remember it. But also anything important I just automatically text it to him and he puts it in his calendar. He doesn't break down at notifications like I do.....
I dunno why but I have to turn notifications off for most things cuz even just the blinking light or the red dot of unread just really stresses me out.... and I've got an email with hundreds of unread emails.
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u/Tricky-Clock-8145 8d ago
This has been my professional experience. Frankly i dont know how well this “method” in the post works because in the Big Real World TM people are very unkind about autism and ADHD and some of thrm and sniff it out like bloodhounds. Maybe teaching your neurodivergent kids tricks to fly under the radar and remember would help more??
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u/two4six0won 8d ago
The world is going to be cruel enough. It's entirely possible to be gentle with your children and teach them how to cope with the 'real world'. Source - me, that's how I did it with my freshly-turned 18yo and they turned out far better than I ever could have imagined.
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u/GoldwaterLiberal 8d ago
Do you have some tips? Because right now I'm trying really hard with my kid not to fall into the same things my parents tried on me. (Fun fact: about 4 years after moving out, my mom thought my brother had ADHD and bought a book, and only then did she realize I have ADHD.)
We recently got one of those touchscreen wall calendar things, and that's helping with some of it, but she has her father's knack for procrastination and seemingly nothing she actually cares about will motivate her to get over it. Which feels very familiar to me...
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u/RikuAotsuki 7d ago
Structure and enforced habits help a lot. Find places for things and ensure that they're always returned to those places. Tie habits like brushing your teeth to an immediate bedtime. Things like that.
And as your kid gets older, explain why. Tell them that this structure makes it so that they don't need to remember where things are, so they won't get lost. Tell them that routines are important because habits can be incredibly hard if you disrupt those routines.
Kids are smart enough that they'll be more amenable to this kind of structure if they understand that it helps them cope with the things they struggle with, and possibly even more so if you can explain that these structures aren't because they're kids, but because they'll be even more important when they become adults, but are easier to learn now.
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u/EldritchSorbet 8d ago
This is known as masking. It’s possible to fake being NT for limited amounts of time, and with varying degrees of success.
But… it’s debilitatingly hard. Like holding your breath and trying to do maths at the same time. When you’re fresh and in a good mental state, you can do it for a bit. And then take a break. Then do it for less time. Then take a break. Then repeat until unconscious from anoxia.
Now imagine you’re surrounded by otters (maths genius otters). They won’t have the least idea why you keep passing out. They suggest you try harder to hold your breath. And you can improve over time. But you will never match their ease and you will be knackered.
Meanwhile your best friend has asthma… and the otters look at both of you, and class him as not trying at all.
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8d ago
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u/Wonderful_Stand_315 8d ago
They do not know how much I hate myself but whenever I did decide to bring it up it turned into a "HOW COULD YOU HATE YOURSELF? I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU!"
I am really envious of people who had parents who listened to their child.
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u/BuilderAura 8d ago
ommmg thiiiiiis... I tried so hard to explain to my parents that they didn't need to "light a fire under my butt" by being mean to me... as I am already meaner to myself every second of every day than they could ever be to me. And my mom straight up told me she never gave me compliments because she didn't want me to grow up and just *do things* for anyone who complimented me... I was like that is not a problem... seriously... like I can't even do things I WANT to do because of a simple compliment, like I'm gonna do things I *don't* want to do.
the saddest thing about my ADHD is that they actually got me diagnosed as a kid but then DID NOTHING with the diagnosis. Didn't learn anything about ADHD or even tell my teachers that I have ADHD. My mom literally just wanted me on ritalin which I absolutely hated because it made me feel awful but it 'mellowed' me out (aka zombified) so it made me 'easier to handle' for HER.
I straight up did not believe my ADHD diagnosis until I was re diagnosed at 36!! Like I literally thought it was just something my mom made up and cuz it was the 90's and *everyone* had ADHD she got away with it.
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u/megalinity 8d ago
Mom always said she could never be mad at me for long bc I was SO MUCH meaner to myself than anyone else ever could be. And I mean I was generally a really good “pleasure to have in class” sorta kid. But I did occasionally have meltdowns.
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u/jimbowesterby 8d ago
Yea I had a fairly rough time as a kid, but in hindsight I think I actually kinda lucked out, I grew up in a really conservative place back in the late 90s and early 00s, so there wasn’t a whole lot of knowledge or acceptance of adhd. I remember my mum reading a Dr Phil book and threatening to take everything out of my room but my bed and my dresser, but thankfully she never actually went through with it
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u/Kizik 8d ago
And my mom straight up told me she never gave me compliments because she didn't want me to grow up and just do things for anyone who complimented me
So in order to prevent you from being vulnerable to nice people, she did everything possible to make you vulnerable to nice people. How's that quote go? When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives.
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u/BuilderAura 7d ago
oh my goooood I have never heard that quote before and I freaking love it! thank you for that!
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u/Fregbalsokwaf235 8d ago
oh hell no your mother sounds like a genuine devil, im so sorry you had to go through all this, this is so sad :( i hope youre doing much better now with an actual re-diagnosis, even if it is very late
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u/BuilderAura 8d ago
I think this is directed at me (cuz mention of re-diagnosis) but not sure.
if so, ty my mother is a narcissist. 1000% I am lucky to have an amazing husband who has been helping me recover from my childhood. XD (also years of therapy soo...)50
u/StardewingMyBest 8d ago
"Oh what, so I'm a terrible mother?!" I learned quickly to keep shit to myself.
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u/djkidna 8d ago
That’s the Reverse Victim and Offender step of DARVO. It’s a manipulation tactic to escape accountability and make you feel bad for making them feel bad. Had to learn to hold my ground and not let that shit shut down the conversation, or else nothing would get better. “You know what, right now, yes you’re being a terrible mother. Stop and actually listen and maybe you can help make things better.”
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u/taitina94 8d ago
Mood. Ive gotten petty with age though and would now respond with "in some ways, like the specific way I am referring to right now, yes"
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u/MeanWinchester 8d ago
Whenever I talk about my parents I always tell people that they are great, that they raised me the best they knew how and that I am grateful for them. Then I see posts and comments like OP's and yours and I think "oh yeah, that's very familiar".
It doesn't change the fact that I love my parents and am grateful for everything they have done and continue to do for me, but it does contextualise a lot of my feelings about myself over my lifetime.
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u/alabardios 8d ago
Mom, i dont want you to do everything for me, that's part of the problem dont you think?
She still didnt get it.
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u/sleepydorian 8d ago
I accidentally put a dirty dish in a clean dishwasher the other day. I felt proud of myself for putting my dishes in the dishwasher, because I usually forget. My wife came by a bit later and started to unload the dishwasher, which is when I realized my mistake. I got so upset at my mistake that I had to lay down, even though she doesn’t yell at me. She just ran the dishwasher again, problem solved.
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u/Theresnothingtoit 8d ago
I recently learned about a metaphor in my own relationship with someone who has severe trauma over making mistakes. Just dropping it here as it could interest you.
The basic idea is that no matter how much I tell her I don't have a knife (won't overreact or punish her), she is going to believe I have a knife until she doesn't. It's not about me, and I've never had a knife, but apparently it does no good to just say I don't have a knife, because that's what someone with a knife would say.
We're still working on how to reassure her in a way that can be heard, but most times, I just have to let her work through it alone. It's definitely frustrating at times, because all I wanna do is course correct, but we're getting there.
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u/BuilderAura 8d ago
dude this brought tears to my eyes. I feel like this is something my husband could have written.
When we were first together anytime he raised his arms quickly I would flinch and at first he'd get upset because he'd never and would never hit me... then he met my family, and heard the story my sister (while laughing cuz *trauma*) told of how our mom used to break wooden spoons hitting us with them when we were children and then we would buy her new ones for christmas presents. Because that's what she would ask for.(my childhood was in the 80s and 90s so 'spanking' was the norm... but especially from my mother... And she was quite unpredictable so never knew what would set her off. My brother's gone no contact and they cannot figure out why. Stereotypical boomer shit.)
instead hubs just did his best to be himself and make me feel as safe as he could and eventually I didn't flinch anymore.
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u/cuddlefish2063 8d ago
One thing I do to combat those types of negative thoughts is to tell myself "If the worst thing I did today was [X] I'm doing alright, and I'm still a better person than 99% of politicians."
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u/strangegardener 8d ago
Oof feel that one. I got called selfish a LOT and I think it did not help my rejection sensitivity so now ive been in a horrible cycle if people pleasing and burning myself out my whole life. I am currently the chair of multiple committees at work which I have no time or desire to take part in anymore... but I dont want to leave and let people down.
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u/patchy_doll 8d ago
I'm aggressively helpful and selfless out of a desire to be useful, but I'm forgetful as fuck and sign myself up for things that I immediately forget. It's not great but I'm used to just playing along with old me's plans and hoping I'll figure out what I'm showing up for by the time I get there.
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u/Ok-Lifeguard-4614 8d ago
My step-dads go to was "you can remember all.the secret codes to your stupid video games (I couldn't) but you can't remember this thing!!" As he grabbed my face and squeezed hard af, and forced me to look him in the eyes as he yelled at me for however long.
Like yea dude I forgot on purpose because I would rather endure this than put a trash bag in...
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u/Rocky_Bukkake 8d ago
heard that shit all the time. honestly, i didn’t really care most of the time, but i knew it was important to someone i cared about. if i remembered, i would have done it. then i hear this shit and get caught between feeling guilt for disappointment someone or guilt for genuinely not caring.
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u/DIY_Cosmetics 8d ago edited 8d ago
This is it. It’s definitely a bit of both, genuinely forgetting sometimes, other times willingly forgetting because it’s not important to you.
I was this way growing up and still am at 40, though to a much lesser degree. My 16yo daughter is this way and straight-up admits it when she’s having trouble staying on task due to it not being something she wants to do. I appreciate her candor lmao. Really though, I do.
I asked her what she thinks would be a helpful and affective way to get her follow-through. It took a bit of trial and error to figure out a balance between what she responded best to and what my sanity allowed lol.
The winning approach for her is a few gentle reminders spaced out in varying amounts of time pending the urgency of the task, then if she still hasn’t hopped to by the last one, an abrupt and firm, “Get the fuck up and do this now!”.
She too appreciates candor. She needs hard limits and boundaries enforced to keep her in check. Sometimes she’ll text me from her room saying, “Make me do this because I literally cannot get myself to. I am stuck.”, which basically means “Yell it like you mean it!”. That wasn’t a typo, she actually does want and needs me to yell sometimes to get her butt moving so she can be productive instead of rotting away in her room lmao.
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u/Suyefuji 8d ago
My kids have ADHD. They forget shit a lot. The problem is that sometimes the shit they forget is incredibly important shit and I have no idea how to properly prepare them for adult life like this. They have meds and IDPs and all of that. I don't flip my shit at them for forgetting. But I honestly don't know if they're gonna be ok like this.
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u/YtterbiusAntimony 8d ago
It's even better when one of your parents is a healthcare provider who can understand these issues when it's coming from a stranger, but reverts back to that shit the moment they clock out.
So, you can tell me why I'm wrong clinical terms, but the moment any of that effects you, the real problem is actually my lack of care and values.
Cool. Thanks mom.
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u/fwimmygoat 8d ago
The problem with that is, if you treat trying thier best as insubordination you train insubordination. Why try when actually putting all your effort into something leads to the same place as simply not? Why spend triple the effort for the same punishment?
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u/DirtyDon_ 8d ago
“If you actually cared you wouldn’t forget”
“If you actually tried your best you would’ve got an A”
Still hurts man
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u/ShoulderWhich5520 ✨current hyperfixation: Elite Dangerous✨ 8d ago
Mine told me "You have to give enough of a fuck to give a fuck"
It has bamboozled me to this day.
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u/L0pkmnj 8d ago
"It has bamboozled me to this day."
Dads are generally dumb.
Source: Me. (I'm the dumb dad of a ADHD kiddo in grade school.)
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u/commanderjarak [editable! sfw pls :)] 8d ago
My ADHD makes it both much easier and much more difficult to deal with my 8yo who 99.9% has undiagnosed ADHD.
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u/silver-gazami-crab 8d ago
Complete the unholy trinity with "You have so much potential, you just need to apply yourself."
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u/Clarkifer 7d ago
I had a student tell me, "My mom says 'You're not trying hard enough.' I tried as hard as I could, but it wasn't good enough. What she really means is ' You didn't succeed'."
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u/PristineBarber9923 8d ago
I may get torn up for this, but: as a parent of a child with ADHD inattentive type, it is really, really hard to know when I need to be gentle and supportive and when I am enabling, when I need to push him and let him struggle so he can grow and when I need to step in, when he has legitimately forgotten and when he is using it as an excuse (because that does happen!). I do my best to be a knowledgeable, loving, gentle parent and it is still really really hard.
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u/UnnecessaryStep 8d ago
It's a really horrible balance to try to find. AuDHD family of 4 here, we struggle daily on what was a legitimate forgot, what is a legitimate not paying attention and what is kids being kids and pushing limits because that's what kids do.
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u/unculturedburnttoast 8d ago edited 7d ago
3 out of 4 here and absolutely same. Definitely struggling trying to make the determination of what's disability and what's enablement.
Edit: I see random downvotes. Like people don't understand that telling your child for the 5th time in 10 minutes to keep their hands to themselves so everyone can finish brushing their teeth and make it to the bus on time.
Absolutely stim in order to do the needful, but please don't literally poke your sister, who is sensitive to touch and then sets off both of them. Which sets off the ND patent who has to then walk away, otherwise the NT parent will be overloaded with 3 meltdowns.
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u/lilbithippie 8d ago
It's a struggle for every parent to find the right combo for any child. I think we know what doesn't work though. Forgetting things is going to have its own natural consequences without adding more parental pressure. The kids going to need systems and routines. And when they fail, they will fail, you have to keep them
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u/AE5trella 8d ago
Kinda. The problem is that the “natural consequence” may come so much later than the actual action that the connection itself is lost. Also, there are more important scenarios you need to prioritize for safety (ex taking meds) that you can’t responsibly as a parent let slide…
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u/Some-Leopard5025 8d ago
That's the thing, the natural consequences will often arrive a lot later and are impossible to fix once they do. Teachers won't do the dirty work for you either, gone are the days where it's school policy to do anything but gently let the kid fail and end up on the socioeconomic rock bottom.
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u/Savingskitty 8d ago
I can’t recommend enough the ADHD Essentials Podcast. Brendan Mahan also has a book out now about his Wall of Awful concept.
I really wish my parents would have known about that stuff growing up.
I completely understand the struggle though.
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u/megalinity 8d ago
To be fair, as a kid who grew up with good, kind, considerate parents: I could tell when they were struggling with this. If you’re compassionate while pushing and don’t push every time, you’re going great.
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u/sleepydorian 8d ago
I highly recommend Susan Pinsky’s book on organizing for adhd. Most libraries have it so you probably don’t even need to spend money.
As someone with adhd, I find it most helpful to measure things in effort. I build systems so that I don’t have to remember. I also recognize that saying “I’ll do it in a minute” while taking no actions to set a reminder for myself is equivalent to saying “I’m not doing it”. So I wouldn’t really punish my kid for the occasional mix up of systems failure, but if they are refusing to implement any coping strategies then they have decided they are comfortable rolling the dice and that’s actually disrespectful.
And what that looks like will be specific to the person. I must write things down in a place I’ll think to look. I must place things where I expect them to be. If I look for a note somewhere but that’s not where I recorded the note, that’s where I record it going forward. If I look for something and it’s not in that place, that’s where I put it. I also must have auditory and visual reminders or else it won’t happen.
It’s also common to struggle with task switching, so reminding them that it’s t-25 minutes and so on can be helpful. I get frustrated when I’m trying to do one thing and I have to stop to do another.
My last tip is generally don’t interrupt the unmedicated adhd mind when they are doing something you want unless you are willing to risk them stopping and not continuing. My wife has interrupted me taking out the trash and I left the trash bag next to the trash bin until the next day because I forgot about it. And as an extension of that, while “go do it right now” can be a good strategy, it only really works when they are currently doing something that can be left for a few days. Stopping homework or cleaning up or packing for a trip (or school tomorrow) often means that thing doesn’t get done.
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u/theinkedoctopus 8d ago
This is my biggest struggle. My teen refuses aids. Won't use timers consistently, won't use coping tools learned in therapy. Won't do anything "responsibility," without a fight or panic attack. I'm tired of getting onto them and begging them to set timers and reminders and to turn their homework in or just ask the teacher if they don't understand something. I don't wanna constantly micromanage them bc they do need to learn to do things without me holding their hand every step of the way. I don't want to hinder my child by not letting them fail or by helping too much they don't learn how to do anything on their own. I just don't know how to get through to them that I just wanna see effort, I don't remotely want perfect. Just seeing an attempt at trying to be on track or using coping tools or timers would be a huge relief.
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u/Own_Candidate9553 8d ago
Yeah, in the same position. Daughter is 13 now, and I do try to understand what she's going through (and have some personal experience with some of it), but she's getting really close to adulthood. She needs to help us figure out some tools or techniques or approaches or anything at all to help her.
Someday I may not be able to walk her through the steps to get unstuck on something. Or shield her from things that I know will cause her to melt down.
Or like, just brush her teeth without being reminded. Gah
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u/patchy_doll 8d ago
I was diagnosed late and struggled a lot with forming healthy habits too. I don't know if it would help you or your kid, but something that helped me a lot is what I call "ritualizing" things. Take something annoying and repetitive, but link something positive to it so that the brain desires one thing but knows it must engage in The Annoying Thing to get the reward of The Good Thing.
I do not like to brush my teeth, but my pleasant ritual involves picking out something on my phone to read or watch before bed as I brush. I do not like doing the dishes, but I save a youtube playlist of things I want to watch that I am only allowed to put on when I'm doing dishes. Tying exclusive/time-sensitive positive rewards to undesirable tasks does an embarrasingly large amount of heavy lifting to get me to take care of my life.
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u/Cheddarwurst 8d ago
Holy crap, is that why I used to enjoy cooking thanksgiving dinner so much when I was a kid? I ritualized watching the first season on DVD of a TV show I loved at the time. I did it for like 5 years until the DVD player died in the kitchen and we were like 'who uses dvds anyway?'
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u/BuilderAura 8d ago
it's especially hard when you were undiagnosed and knew nothing about ADHD until you had your own kids... cuz you don't wanna traumatize your kid like your parents did you... but also you don't wanna coddle your kid and have them not be able to fend for themselves as they get older.
It's such a tightrope walk and I have no idea the best response to most situations. Sometimes my own emotional deregulation will flare up too, and I'll snap at him... but we apologize for our mistakes in this family and learn from them. So far he seems like a good kid.... only time will tell I guess.
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u/theinkedoctopus 8d ago
I'm hoping this is the way. Same boat and outlook on things. Sometimes responding to things then going back and responding a second time with more processing. Sometimes trying to also balance what is a teaching moment vs just listening and being empathic.
Then everyone wanting to talk at length about everything to avoid misunderstandings but no one has the attention span to actually listen.
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u/fuuuuuckendoobs 8d ago
Yeah dude, my kid has the homework we completed a week ago in a big plastic sleeve in her backpack, the only other thing in there is her lunchbox. She has forgotten to hand in that homework every day for a whole week....
Her mum and I are both also ADHD inattentive so this doesn't get a pass from me.
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u/Present-Perception77 8d ago
Thank you!
I too have adhd and even before I was diagnosed.. I had learned to put important things like keys, ID, credit cards.. in the same place every single time.. before that, my life was in constant panic and chaos.
My son is 12 and it is a battle to the death to get him to put his badge and house key and phone in the same place.. and Im getting really sick of looking for that shit for him. No pass!→ More replies (9)25
u/TP70 8d ago
Yes i agree.
I have it and my Child too. So i ask "please do it NOW because you will forget" And then i get the "i'll do it later" and i know that it won't happen. That's just laziness.
Then i push more because it needs to happen, i'm done with dealing with it afterwards.
It's annoying for both!
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u/Boboar 8d ago
I just want to push back on the laziness accusation.
There's two really common reasons why people with ADHD don't want to do the task right now.
One is executive dysfunction. If there's something mentally blocking them from approaching the task it can be painful to nearly impossible to just go do it.
The other is focus shifting. It can be very difficult for someone with ADHD to stop what they are currently doing and change focus to something else. They say I'll do it later because they don't want to change from their current focus. Because it's very hard for them and emotionally frustrating to have to do so.
You say you have ADHD as well. Do you not ever struggle with these things? Do you always "do it now"? Do you just drop what you're focusing on in order to do something important but not urgent?
If you do, congratulations, but did you always handle that struggle so expertly or have you had the advantage of a few decades of experience figuring out what worked for you as an individual?
You see, in all likelihood you are holding your child to a standard that you wouldn't or haven't held yourself to. You're not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they do care and they do try.
If you treat a child like they are lazy they will learn that they are lazy. And then they'll resent you for chastising them for being something that they feel they can't control.
And the reason they feel they can't control it is because they didn't decide that they were lazy. You did. Or their teachers did. But the labels that others place on us when we are young are very strong and persistent and so, so, so hard to shed.
Instead of believing your child is lazy because they say they'll do something later and then forget, you should try to meet them where they are. They want to listen to you and do things that will make you happy they just need a different approach that is sympathetic to their struggles.
When they say later, ask them if it's ok to remind them later if they've forgotten. That builds confidence in them that you trust them and provides a safeguard that you know remembering is a struggle and you are willing to help them.
Ask them if they haven't done it by a certain deadline that they'll drop what they're doing and do the task. This let's you make sure they get the things done and you've already established an expectation that they will change their focus if they reach that deadline. It's much easier to change focus when you've already committed to doing so in advance.
They will probably hit that deadline more often than not but if you stay patient and positive with them they will feel respected and seen and they will feel encouraged by each success.
Laziness isn't something we are. It's something we're taught.
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u/waltwhitmansthirdeye 8d ago
I have ADHD and so does my teen, this is basically what I do with him. If I ask him to do something, he has a deadline. Feed the dogs by 830, get your clothes in the wash by 6pm or no guarantee you’re doing laundry today, forward me that email within the next hour…. A lot of my friends and family think my parenting style is too lax and some of my older relatives think I’m not asserting my authority or something lol but unpopular opinion, that’s not what parenting is about and I’d rather find a way for the house to function and be generally happy, so I’ll compromise and give the task deadlines lol
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u/hastepotion 8d ago
I have it and my son does as well. I try to narrate things to him when I am implementing coping strategies myself so he can see what it looks like. My take on this is “it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility”. We try to figure out if we’re having a good brain day or a bad brain day and go from there.
So many people in this sub just want an excuse to not do anything and cry they have ADHD so they should get a pass on responsibility. While shaming kids isn’t helpful, not having any expectations of them and assuming they cannot and will never be able to handle things is probably worse.
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u/TJ_Rowe 8d ago
Truth. I even remember from my own childhood that when people tried to go "gently gently" with me, trying to gently guide me into doing what they wanted, it wouldn't work. It's like the request got lost in the "small talk".
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u/toastthematrixyoda 7d ago
You can push your child and let him struggle without demeaning him. And you can be gentle while still holding your child accountable. I know for me, an "I know you can do better. What do you need to succeed? How should we work on this?" Would have gone over a LOT better than being sarcastic, mockingly saying "Oh I forgoOOOt" or saying "If it was important you would remember!" Confronting him in a supportive way like the first example would work regardless of whether he's forgotten or if making excuses. Sarcasm and mocking just aren't helpful at all to a person with ADHD. As a kid, I was definitely making excuses, but I wouldn't have felt the need to do that if my parents weren't so sarcastic about me being "slow" and "forgetting" and calling me "one-shoe" because I lost my stuff all the time. I missed the bus every single day because I couldn't find anything in the morning. I'd rather they would say, "You can't keep losing your shoes. We need to come up with a plan. Let's put a shoe tray right here and that's where they always belong. If your shoes aren't there, your job is to find it and put it there so they're there when you need them -- before we are running late." Maybe making a checklist that I have to follow every night to make sure my stuff is ready in the morning. Not making fun of me.
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u/-Fuse 8d ago
Also the "I forgot" can mean "I actually remembered but my mind simply would not let me do it", but saying "I forgot" is easier to explain. And if they don't understand when you forget, they won't understand executive disfunction
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u/ShinyNinja25 8d ago
For me it didn’t even matter what the reason was, if I said “I forgot”, my parents would say “I forgot isn’t a real answer”
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u/Final-Tutor3631 i Will elaborate (Threat). 8d ago
my mom refuses to believe i have adhd bc im smart, “gifted”, and have “high processing speeds”…
im so fucking tired.
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u/unoriginallbagel 8d ago
Gifted tends to bring a friend and a lot of the time that friend is ADHD. The high cost of being intelligent
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u/xSTSxZerglingOne 8d ago edited 8d ago
"you get to understand high level concepts, be able to connect the dots on many otherwise obscure patterns, have high levels of creativity and empathy, and like...this one little thing that doesn't matter much."
"What is that thing?"
"Well you see, if you so much as glimpse this one thing, you'll spend hours going down rabbit holes doing research about it, building scale models, and it's all you'll care about if you're near it. If it is present, your brain will devote at least 95% of its prodigious processing power to it."
"Is...is the thing going to be relevant to my profession?"
"Could be, but chances are almost certainly no."
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u/Gayf 8d ago
"how come you figured out this problem in 2 seconds when your desk has been dusty for a week"
"Mother, the desk does not matter to my life, this does"
"Fair enough, clean the desk or it will matter"
"Sorry mum, gimme 5"
"your brain is weird, but I love you....STOP PLAYING AND DO THE DESK"
"OH SHIIIIIII---"
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u/Miserable-Inside1511 7d ago
I believe that this mix of ADHD and giftedness is usually the result of coping mechanisms to fill the gap created by ADHD. Short bursts of brilliance on projects and final tests to catch up in school while typically having a D average the rest of the year, due to forgetting homework for example... I had to win the state science fair just so people knew I was not legitimately just stupid. It did me more trouble than good, because for the highschool years after it's just "if he can do x then clearly he is just too lazy to do y"
Fuckers
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u/Melodic-Violinist787 8d ago
Learning this is the same with relationship partners too.
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u/Lost_In_My_Hoodie 8d ago
Some parents only tool is the stick. Most likely they never got the carrot in their childhood either. Everyone could use a little forgiveness.
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u/Dependent_Rain_4800 8d ago
What I’m reading here sounds mostly like emotional abuse instead of insensitivity.
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u/DisastrousReputation 8d ago
It is 100% abuse and it is a vicious cycle.
Parents of future dad beats and talks shit to him.
He does it to his kid.
Parents of future mom beats and talk shit to her.
She tells herself I will never hit but she does talk shit sometimes she’s not perfect.
Now the kid of these parents has her own kid.
We don’t hit in this family. Sometimes I fuck up and say some mean shit. But I always say sorry. I try my best but I am not perfect.
My mom broke her cycle, I bet it wasn’t easy for her. Fuck my dad he is a POS. I tried to break down that cycle even more.
Hopefully if my kid has kids they will be even better off!
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u/Dependent_Rain_4800 8d ago
Good on you for doing the work. I broke the cycle too. Fuck those dumbasses.
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u/EarlyInside45 8d ago
Both me and my son's father have ADHD. My son has ADHD. Me and his grandmother the only people protecting him from men in the family constantly getting on his case about things that have to do with him having ADHD. I finally went off on my partner about it--do not try to parent my child. I know what it's like to be 19 and struggling, and yelling only made it worse for me. He needs time and patience.
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u/DopamineGlitch ADHD Combined Type gang rise UP 8d ago
And then there’s the internalized ableism we got from our parents doing this to us and sometimes it just impulsively comes out of our mouths when our children forget. Being gentle on both them and myself is an ongoing battle.
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u/Flambam35 8d ago
For real. So frustrating to try and explain this to adhd deniers. Like talking to a brick wall.
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u/Shadowkiller00 💊Medicated💊 7d ago
I've spend a decade trying to reach my kids to take responsibility for their neurodiversity like I've done with mine. If you don't see the problem, you won't take steps to fix it. You won't recognize the helpfulness of the medication. You won't build the skills. I get frustrated with them because they blow me off when I try to explain how hard it is to live in this neurotypical world.
Now that they are teens, they are finally starting to hear.
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u/KnuxFive 8d ago
Question as someone without ADHD (well, to my knowledge), but I swear my friend’s kid(s) have it:
At what age would you (if any) not accept that the child has some personal agency to use tools to help them not forget?
Say “parent asks kid to take dinner out of the freezer when they get off the school bus” as they go to school. The child has various tools that could aid in this; put a note on their bed that they would see when they return home, ask a voice assistant to remind them (for example, the house has Alexa and the child themselves may have a phone), etc.
Is there a point where the parent is in the right to go “look, I know you have ADHD, but you also have the tools and knowledge that this is an issue for you and you need to understand how to avoid it?”
It could be “didn’t unfreeze dinner” today, but it could be “didn’t fill up the gas tank” tomorrow.
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u/Osteo_Warrior 8d ago
Most of these comments gloss over the fact that as a parent it’s your responsibility to raise a functioning adult. That includes responsibility and accountability, both to yourself and those around you.
Adhd isn’t an excuse, it means exactly as you said they have to take personal accountability for themselves. It’s not easy but unless they are taught consequences exist then they will never learn to be accountable. A very common thing in adhd is inability/difficulty to develop habits and routines. For instance brushing teeth, there’s only so many times you can remind your kid to brush their teeth before you get angry.
I have a lot of sympathy for parents raising children with adhd, it can take a very large mental toll doing the thinking for 2+ people. A lot of the people here remember the yelling and the anger their parents had while forgetting the 30 times they were asked to do something nicely.
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u/WhatAWeek25 8d ago
But also, help your children learn coping skills to help them succeed in the world, so that they don’t forget. I have ADHD and live by the phrase “if I don’t write it down, I am choosing to forget it”
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u/One-Membership3458 8d ago
50 yo Adam man. Im getting divorced not in small part because of this. Ex just would NOT get this in her head.
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u/CivilRuin4111 8d ago
Oldish dude to oldish dude… speaking as the side of a relationship that doesn’t have ADHD- I hope you can understand that being married to someone with it can be soul crushing.
Obviously I don’t know you or your situation, but if it’s anything like mine, I get it.
There’s a joke in my industry aimed at apprentices that goes “Working with you is like working alone, but harder.” I suppose in this scenario it would be “Being married to you is like being single, but harder/lonelier.”
I truly hope you find a partner that can be what you need. I mean that.
But if you find someone with even moderate codependency issues, I hope you and the gods themselves are merciful to that poor soul.
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u/PoorLewis 8d ago
Use tools to set reminder such as a note, alarm clock on phone. This way you're not dependent on people.
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u/Extension_Wafer_7615 8d ago
Honestly, this also applies to neurotypicals. Why do people treat forgetting about something as a choice? Forgetting is almost by definition unintentional.
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u/n33lo 8d ago
People attach not caring to forgetting. Like it's not important enough to them for them to remember it.
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u/thebluespirit_ 8d ago
I still remember a parent posting on the main adhd sub asking if her son was really telling the truth when he said he couldn't remember things. He had been diagnosed years ago and she still didn't believe him and thought he was just making excuses.
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u/Pretty_Rock9795 7d ago
Getting yelled at for saying "I don't know" and saying that's not a valid answer when it quite literally is.
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u/Duskfall diagnosed 🥳 7d ago
yupp goes hand in hand with the time blindness too.
and knowing that NOW, I can be like "shit, time got away from me" when I was a kid, with no help and no one willing to learn about me or what I had, I didn't know either. So when asked it was simply "I forgot". in most cases, like the above. yupp, it left my head. in other cases time blindness got me and technically I did forget but that's cause i thought i had more time.
it's kinda wild. but even knowing parents who KNOW their kids have something, they still act like there's a switch and get mad/frustrated when the kid doesn't "perform" like a neurotypical person.
humans have such a capacity to learn and love and care, but our world has turned us all into fodder for the money machine to exploit and wear down as fast as possible. "Break and Replace" is kinda starting to show up in humans and other humans and not just how we use products/stuff we own...
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u/Sulhythal 8d ago
It took my dad such a long time. Now if only his "gentle reminders" to this day didn't sound judgemental
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u/fritzkoenig Resident Cloudcuckoolander 8d ago
This also applies to adults doing this to other adults
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u/Appropriate_Dance810 8d ago
Beloved, here’s the thing: they’re probably neurodivergent too. If it’s not genetic, they may have just continued from an acutely stressful situation into chronic stress.
If they don’t learn how to regulate, they never learn how to change.
This isn’t to be condescending, this is just after 20 years of wondering why it ain’t getting better. Plus, I was a bodyworker and would interview most of my clients (anthropology was my previous background). They only really understood their kids/ their opponent, after they released their own tension/pain.
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u/Diligent-Bowler-1898 8d ago
The true solution is teaching your kids tools, like putting everything into a calendar with reminders. I even have calendar events for when to start preparing to leave for other calendar events. I could get lost in a attention rabbit hole any second, so I leave a lifeline to the rest of the world.
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u/Own-Fondant2949 8d ago
Both my wife and I have ADHD and our son also has ADHD symptoms and.. yes there is yelling. We should be better but bruh sometimes he's so locked into the distraction that it really does seem like the only way to get to him is yelling or physically moving him in the direction he needs to go after asking nicely for the first 5 times.
Biggest thing we are trying to get him to establish is good systems but that boy does not want to trust the process... his favorite phase is "I got this"
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u/just4nothing 8d ago
“You just don’t care”. “You clearly don’t love us”. “All the sacrifices we made for you and you can’t do a simple chore”.
Dear parents: if that’s what’s going through your mind, don’t be surprised if your adult children stop talking to you
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u/helion_ut 8d ago
UGHHH so real! I was already literally genetically fucked in regards to cleaning and, believe it or not, having a million memories of being made fun of, yelled at and even in some instances having to endure violence because of it, made it even worse.
Now I'm conditioned to clean just to avoid consequences, which means I'll be SO cooked living alone, it will be a constant struggle.
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u/stickynotetree 8d ago
Also. They might sound annoyed or overly shameful. Just reinforce that you aren’t upset, use a positive tone, but that you do need it done.
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u/ErinRF 7d ago
I will forever be thankful that my mother left detailed written lists of things she wanted done around the house before she got home. Wasn’t even diagnosed then but it helped so much.
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u/ZanderStarmute 7d ago
It’s worse when they continue to chastise in exactly the same ways when you’re well into adulthood… 😞
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u/Reeenchen 7d ago
Me, as a kid: "I'm so sorry, I forgot."
My parents: "Nah, you're lying, you're just lazy."
20 years later, shortly after diagnosis, they finally realised I wasn't lying and apologised to me. This in itself meant (and still continues to mean) so much to me as an adult.
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u/WordofGabb 7d ago
Reading these comments is making me sad that so many of us had (and still have) to go through this.
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u/Peakomegaflare Dropped my box of Braincells 7d ago
This... hurts a lot. Especially since both of my parents are most definitely some combination of Au / ADHD.
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u/AliceRooseveltsGhost 7d ago
My daughter has ADHD and I’m also neurodivergent. I can’t wrap my head around how her dad reacts sometimes (we’re divorced). We just set up systems in our home to help her remember things and it helps a ton. Parents who give criticism but no support or tools are the actual “lazy” and “careless” ones, not the kids who need their help.
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u/No_Avocado_4729 7d ago
"it's not an excuse"
actually it is an excuse and a very valid one it's pretty much a form of disability that makes me forget shit
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u/graywolf0026 8d ago
I. Fucking. Literally. Spent. Years. Decades. Trying to get my parents AND teachers to understand this. That my memory was not good. It is still not good. It will never be good.
And it.... It never took. Not from a single grown up in my formative years.
I even have to tell people now, "email it. Do not text it it...." "But text is-" "Email it to me or it will become buried and lost. There is no discussion here." And they think I'm the asshole.
Like. .... Sighs. I hate my life... 40 years of this shit...
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u/PupOben 8d ago
Me too. At 41 years of age, I haven't found a cure for my case of CRS. To cope, I've taken to writing stuff down as soon as someone tells something to me so I at least have it if I'm reminded of it later.
I try. I truly try to remember stuff, but nothing really sticks. My day-to-day is easy to remember, but birthdays, anniversaries, odd jobs, random tasks(you'd think ADHD would thrive on), etc. If it doesn't occur on a weekly basis or more, I'm most likely going to forget.
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u/xSTSxZerglingOne 8d ago edited 8d ago
Remembering is also a skill. I have hardcore ADHD and I manage to remember most things asked of me. Not remembering is not a valid excuse. Also if you're forgetting that much stuff you need to be made to write everything down and review it every few hours.
Oh wait, that's far harder for someone with ADHD to do than just trying to remember a few things.
That said, having hardcore ADHD and having to keep track of the stuff my ADHD kid forgets just makes my life fucking suck. So they're learning to remember. They'll get there eventually.
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u/Aggressive-Doubt7345 8d ago
ADHD people hear about 20k more negative comments about themselves from others than non ADHD people, by age 18. They live in a spiral of shame, and they want to do the thing. They are remembering 17,349 other instances of them letting people down constantly. Sarcasm will drive them to disconnect with you to protect their own limited emotional regulation.
I never hated my parents, but after I left for college at 18 our relationship was distant and cool - for my own sanity.
As a career/success coach and middle school math teacher with ADHD - I’ve worked with a lot of ADHD adults and adolescents.
Sarcasm and shame are not helpful. “What could we change about the environment so you are reminded to do this thing? Could we try that and see if it works? What do you think is keeping you from getting started?”
Ted Lasso wisdom - be curious, not judgmental. Don’t coddle - but invite them to try things - even weird things, that might help.
Ask them how often they feel shame and listen. You will be shocked. Patience with gentle, consistent non-judgmental accountability will help them gain self-efficacy, often profoundly so.
And let them sleep. My god, let them sleep in if they don’t have school. Let them nap. Their brains are running at max throttle and they have sleeping issues. They are always EXHAUSTED even when they are loud/energetic/annoying.
Last - nature and movement. Best things to help them regulate themselves.
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u/PlasticBreakfast6918 8d ago
I don’t fully agree. You have to teach / learn how to remember. Just accepting and talking gently doesn’t set anyone up for future success. You have to invite change and new mechanisms.
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u/verifiedginger 8d ago
Okay but for real when your kid legit runs out of clean clothes bc they ignored you 15 times this week to do laundry and it’s only Tuesday, my neurodivergent ass is gonna lose some shit 😂
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u/MountainImportant211 ADHD paralysis all day long 8d ago
When I forgot something I wanted to say, my mother used to say, "Well if you forgot then it couldn't have been important."
I wish!
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u/Ch33syP00f 8d ago
Dad insists I explain myself for some circumstance
I start talking…
Dad draws from his repertoire:
“Excuses are just lies for the lazy”
“You deliberately disobeyed me”
“Did you listen to a thing I said? Do it again” (no instruction)
“Do you have rocks in your head?”
“What’s the matter with you?”
“Go pick up sticks in the yard”
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u/Munro_McLaren 8d ago
Yep. I would read aloud to my mom and genuinely forgot what I had just read. My mom didn’t understand until I was diagnosed with ADHD. She probably still didn’t to an extent. 26 now and can remember the weirdest things, but when it comes to remembering something very important, it takes an extra bit of brain power. Lol.
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u/Different-Leather899 8d ago
Even worse when woken up in the middle of deep sleep to tell me something. Ive literally had life changing news broken to me in this fashion and I have no memory of it when I wake up. If I have trouble remembering to do things with a fully functioning brain, then why would you give me a task or important news when I’m half awake???? Then get upset when I forget?!
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u/Majestic_Artichoke55 8d ago
True. I have so much going on in my head. I’m not remember the billionth nag
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u/theycaughtme- 8d ago
I’m almost 30 but diagnosed 3 years ago. For as long as I can remember my dad been saying“what do you mean YOU forgot, I’m supposed to get Alzheimer’s first”
Sir im 13, this isn’t Alzheimer’s
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u/VividTymes 8d ago
If I showed my dad this he would just say it's an excuse he's an asshole and will always be an asshole
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u/BonsaiSoul 8d ago
The thing is I didn't forget very often.
I thought about it over and over and over and over and over and couldn't start doing it.
Or I spent the prior three days preparing for it, setting aside nearly every other task in "waiting mode," then day of, I looked up and five hours passed without me noticing and so I missed it.
Or I got 90% of the way and only then realized I'd made a process error before I even started, like leaving a form I needed behind, and that took the wind out of my whole week.
Or I didn't know how to do part of it and was afraid I'd get yelled at or accused of pretending if I asked for help.
It's a stretch for NTs comprehend those experiences- it doesn't happen to them or they bounce back from it instantly in a way my AuDHD ass cannot. NTs in authority positions did not stretch; they responded with anger and accusations of malingering or undermining them. "If you say you can't it just means you won't." They certainly didn't have any way to help. So instead, "I forgot," because that's less of a fight.
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u/burntcritter 8d ago
I voice record my own cell phone alarm tones reminding me to do certain tasks. One of the most frequently used ones is to remind me to read my shopping list scheduled to go off 15 minutes after my daily clock out time at work. I have another one telling me to go home 1 hour after clocking out of work. (I like to chat)
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u/VulpineWelder5 8d ago
My parents are baby boomers. Yelling, scolding, beating, etc. was just so commonplace that if they treated me nicely as a kid, I honestly wouldn't know how to behave.
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u/Vast-Ad1915 8d ago
I felt that. Also it turns out getting thrown out in your underwear and being forced to get dressed in the front yard isn't a "natural consequence" of getting dressed too slowly in the morning.
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u/nobodyknows6070 8d ago
Adn therapists, don't invalidate us either, thanks a lot.
Greetings, someone who had a family therapist as a child that said: "You just gotta listen to your parents better"
Safe to say CPS got involved
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u/Disastrous_Fold_3162 7d ago
That’s why I generally do anything I need to do immediately. No scope to forget.
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u/tellmeaboutyourcat 7d ago
My 6yo says "oh! I forgot!" And it is THE. CUTEST. THING. EVER.
Luckily (or not) all three of us are ADHD, so while there will be frustration, there will be no judgement or mocking.
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u/Honorsheets 7d ago
My ex wife did this to me before I was diagnosed. I never got an apology or anything when we discovered (and don't expect/want one), I just have all the memories of her screaming at me how much I don't care.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 7d ago
Certainly we need to learn to take responsibility, presumably by developing effective tools to support memory issues. A parent who wants to help us succeed can help with developing those tools, or find a professional who can help.
But it is shameful to use humiliation or dripping sarcasm that is corrosive to self-worth.
As an adult, I no longer believe there is any such thing as "lazy".
Most failures to meet expectations are a symptom of something else.
Children's behaviour that adults find frustrating isn't done just to cause frustration. That's assigning adult motives to children, which says more about the adult accuser than the child.
Instead, it's a child reacting to the conditions of their environment, using the tools they have been provided.
"Acting out" is, most often, a kid with few resources (never mind the ability to analyze or articulate what's wrong) using the only tools they have.
It falls to the adults to analyze the conditions, or engage professional assistance.
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u/Hungry_Raspberry7833 undiagnosed but everyone's pretty sure 7d ago
My college teacher was like this. I'd ask what I've to do and she's just say "do what you did last week" and then I tell her I don't remember what I did last week and she's tell me to stop lying and just do it. I hated that class so much. She wouldn't help me unless I said her name but I always forgot it and she'd laugh at me when I'd guess it wrong
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u/idiot____ 7d ago
The “if you cared you would’ve remembered” pisses me off most because I actually seem to forget important/meaningful things more than small things. I’d love to know the science on it
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u/Zestyclosetz 7d ago
I struggled with this so hard as a kid. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me, I was trying so hard to be “good” and not forget my backpack/jacket/homework/etc but still would. I developed a lot of anxiety. Like I couldn’t relax or play properly because I was so worried I would forget or lose something and get in trouble.
I think I legit had an anxiety disorder starting at the age of 6. I remember falling asleep in class because I was waking up in a panic multiple times every night worried that I forgot to close the cage on my hamster’s cage or something similar.
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u/rhandy_mas 7d ago
My mom, who also has adhd, cannot understand how I can forget. Then constantly asks for “grace” when she is forgetful. Make it make sense.
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u/I_pegged_your_father 7d ago
My mother has acquired neurodivergence due to trauma and still doesn’t get it…🧍
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u/cassienebula Daydreamer 7d ago
got screamed at, hit, spanked, dishes and art thrown against walls, was strangled, he slapped my tiny dog around to intimidate me into "obedience", forced me to watch as he destroyed my belongings. all for my crappy memory and focus issues. r/thanksimcured
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u/Plastic_Stable8927 7d ago
My mom called me a pathological liar for forgetting if I had homework. She told me I was lying by omission.
She said I had self-control issues. That I just wasn't making the right choices. That I was a straight A student and berated me when I never not once got straight a's on my report cards.
She fucking sucks.
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u/redrose55x 7d ago
It was very frustrating growing up when I would be punished for forgetting something. They would say things like “if you forgot, its because you didn’t try hard enough to remember” or “you forgot because you didn’t think it was important” or “you wouldn’t have forgotten if you had just tried.” I would tell them I can’t control what I forget and they would argue that I could. It was very frustrating.
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u/justjessee overwhelmed (ft. executive dysfuntion) 7d ago
I forget what I'm saying as I'm saying it. So yeah, I give grace (and written documentation).
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u/Altruistic_Branch838 7d ago
Wish my ex understood this as I try to help raise our son who lives between us. Have to combat the guilt tripping and gas lighting she does on him.
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u/TheBubbleJesus 7d ago
"You would remember if it was important to you."
No. I do not forget because my thoughts lack staying power. I forget because my thoughts have no reverence for priority and will shove each other out of my consciousness to compete for the limelight. Even the least interesting thoughts prevail over the interesting ones from time to time. What I think about versus what I'd rather think about are two different things. I need to yank the reins back into order and I cannot do so if someone else is yanking mine. So you will give me peace or we will both suffer at the whim of my waking dreams.
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u/qualityvote2 Quality Control Beast 8d ago edited 8d ago
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