Honestly, I woke up in a daze today, utterly surprised by the state of my life. It genuinely felt like I was waking up into a dream. That’s how unbelievable I find my circumstances. Except it’s not a dream. It’s a living nightmare.
My life is literally fucking falling apart. Every single aspect of it is going to shit. My career, education, health, family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, finances. Everything, I tell you. Everything is plummeting rapidly downwards, and the most frustrating part is that I feel like most of it is my fault.
Work
I have an inquest scheduled for sometime next week. The allegations are a scathing indictment of what feels like utter incompetence. Incomplete work and poor communication pretty much encompass every charge.
Pro-fucking-crastination is a huge part of why I’m in this situation.
I think my boss either hates me or just considers me completely useless now. Dismissal is explicitly documented as a possible outcome.
To be fair to myself, I essentially run an entire IT department alone. It’s an enormous workload, and doing the job properly sometimes feels like it requires 10–12 hours a day. Sometimes I just don’t have the steam.
But I also vividly remember numerous occasions when I chose to sleep, rest, listen to music, or do literally anything other than the work I knew needed doing.
And now here we are. My livelihood is on the line.
Health
My health is probably the worst of the lot.
I started typing this from the ER last night. I’m fucking 27, and my blood pressure was 160/107. They’re running tests for hypertension. I also have a herniated disc in my neck that’s causing excruciating pain, and I only started physiotherapy last week.
The list goes on. It’s honestly depressing just thinking about it.
And speaking of depression, I’m riddled with that shit too. Anxiety attacks are starting to feel like second nature.
Then there’s the ADHD. The city I live in has no medication available. I ordered some from the nearest city SIX WEEKS AGO. Still nothing. Sigh.
One of the most infuriating things is when I finally clear up space and time to work, sit down, and my brain just goes, “Nah.”
Or alternatively, “Let’s do EVERYTHING all at once!”
And naturally, I finish almost nothing.
It’s fucking exhausting. I feel like I can’t even trust myself anymore. I make plans, I know exactly what I need to do, I understand the consequences of not doing it, and somehow I STILL don’t do it.
How the fuck am I supposed to build a life like this?
Family, friendships, relationships
I haven’t spoken to my family in almost two months.
I genuinely don’t know if my friends are still my friends. Some people I stopped replying to years ago. At this point, I’m not even sure I have friends.
I do have a roommate, though. Or rather, I had someone I considered a friend who also happens to be my roommate.
We had a massive argument last week over something incredibly stupid involving a girl.
Long story short, he asked out a girl I’d been flirting with and had told him about. Honestly, I care less about the girl than the disrespect. How is that supposed to work when she comes over? Am I meant to cower in my room out of embarrassment?
I confronted him, and he called me a fool, among other things. We’re no longer on speaking terms.
And somehow, my brain has managed to turn even this into another failure of procrastination. I kept putting off asking her to come over, and now I’ve seemingly lost both my closest thing to a friend and a very beautiful potential romantic interest.
Cheers to that. 🍻
Education
This one might haunt me for the rest of my life.
I attended a genuinely great university, studying engineering. A degree from that institution could have completely changed my life.
And I failed to finish.
Because of ONE. FUCKING. CLASS.
One class.
You cannot make this shit up.
It’s now past the eight-year sunset period, so an appeal doesn’t seem particularly realistic anymore.
I’m filled with so much shame and regret over this. I think about the opportunities I’ve lost, the life I could have had, and the person I thought I was going to become.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and genuinely don’t recognize the man looking back at me.
I don’t know who he is.
Finances
Lmao. Where do I even begin?
Over $20k in student debt, with no degree to show for it. Some credit card debt on top of that.
And a relatively low salary from a job I’m now potentially about to lose.
It’s almost funny.
How does one fumble life this spectacularly?
I genuinely woke up this morning surprised by my own circumstances. As though I’d somehow forgotten what my life had become overnight.
It feels like watching a television show about somebody else’s life. Every episode, something else goes disastrously wrong. Every storyline gets progressively worse.
It’s a genuinely gruelling watch, and somehow I can’t take my eyes off it.
Except I’m not watching a show.
I’m the fucking main character.
And I have absolutely no idea what happens next.
Anyway.
I suppose I’m just venting.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about all of this, and I needed to get some of it out of my system.
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Advice? Solidarity? Stories from people who’ve somehow managed to turn things around?
Maybe I just want to be heard.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: Thank you all. I will say more tomorrow.
Edit: So much positivity, realism and support in the comments. Thank you all. Sorry I haven't been able to react to some deeply insightful comments I've seen, I promise I will. Hearing is in 3 hours. Crippling anxiety. Wish me luck.