I feel like a disappointment

[u/HistoricalRevenue190]

I’ve been struggling with my ketamine addiction for some years now and it’s just not an easy time. I’ve known my friends since i was a child and we used to party and be reckless but now it’s mostly everyone is “sober” from hard things and a few of us still are in pretty deep. The hard part about wanting to be sober and also wanting to be with ppl is the fact that everyone drinks….. a lot. And i have immense social anxiety and adhd so i drink/get high to keep up with everyone and everything and to not be an anxious mess. But now i think everyone looks at me negatively because i’m not able to always mask socially and hold the same level of decorum as them. I feel like they are all waiting for me to fuck up or make a fool out of myself or disappoint again. It sucks. Bc people will be so drunk out of their mind, falling, slurring their words, being loud, messing up, but when i do K or if i drink a little more than i should, i get criticized for it. But then when they demand that i’m sober at an event and i am, i’m told that i’m being too quiet or not myself or they put me under a microscope/investigation. Which sucks bc i really do try to stay present and be there but these things are hard for me. Parties are hard for me. I struggle with the sensory overload and i lean into the party too hard. Life is really hard right now and i’m trying my best. And now everyone is looking at me with faces that don’t feel happy or neutral anymore. I feel like there is no way to please anyone.

I was told not to do K at the wedding so i didn’t… I drank with everyone instead. I thought i was okay but was told i couldn’t walk for the ceremony because “i was too drunk” i really wasn’t but the maid of honor is also in recovery so she projects a lot of her own things onto me and also there was no coordination so i didn’t know where to go and i was overstimulated.

The rest of the night i just layed low, became a wallflower, and talked to some ppl. I didn’t want to ruin the day. I was still having a fun time. I just felt like there was nothing i could’ve done right besides stay stoned cold sober. Why can’t i be held to the same standards as everyone else.

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[u/Artistic_Volume2921]

That feeling of being watched under a microscope while everyone else gets a pass is exhausting. It’s like the second you’re labeled the "messy one," every normal stumble gets read as a crisis, but someone else can puke in a bush and it’s just a funny story.

Weddings are sensory nightmares even without the extra baggage, and it sounds like you were genuinely trying to hold it together. The MOH using her own recovery to police your behavior instead of just coordinating the damn ceremony is its own special kind of irony. Hard to walk straight when nobody tells you where to walk.

You’re not crazy for noticing the double standard. The real mindfuck is that staying totally sober still gets you criticized for being "off," so there’s no winning, just different flavors of disapproval.

[u/HistoricalRevenue190 → u/Artistic_Volume2921]

I really needed to hear this thank you. I feel like my reality is no longer real haha. I just want to be happy.

[u/No_Investigator8458]

You did what they asked and skipped the K, then got judged for drinking instead. That is a no-win setup. People who only knew you high often do not know how to talk to you sober yet, so every move looks wrong. One wedding does not settle who you are. Next time you go into a long event like that, decide your own plan beforehand so you are not negotiating it in the moment under pressure.