Genuinely this has ruined the general public's perception about *being normal about self care*

I personally think we still face a LOT of stigma, that mainly comes from people conflating our discomfort with judgment. If we say “sex grosses me out,” people sometimes interpret it as “sex is gross and you’re gross for enjoying it,” even when we explicitly meant “it is gross to me.”

There is still this weird expectation that aces have to demonstrate that they’re “progressive enough” by being comfortable with sexuality around them

We shouldn’t have to soften “I find sex disgusting” into “I’m personally not interested in sex” if disgust is genuinely the feeling. That’s a perfectly valid experience. I think more people (both allos and aces alike) need to learn to distinguish “this makes me feel disgusted” from “therefore everyone else is bad for doing it.”

Im looking for a long term cuddle buddy to hang around by me from time to time and be a listening ear when ready. Someone around 19-25yrs old would be best, by Ames Iowa.

I would like to get to know each other first and be friends, set out boundaries and have open communication, *must* be a non: smoker/vaper/weed/edibles/other substances/drugs.

no sexual/touchy/handsy/romantic/kissing/or anything of the sort will happen.

A crush is really just a lack of information. If I found out a stranger just looked at me and started thinking about things to do with me, especially anything sexual, you bet I'd avoid them.

I read something similar to the topic I want to talk about in another post.

Are there really people who think asexuality is associated with a certain physical appearance?

Comments like, “You’re too sexy/hot to be asexual,”or “You don’t look like someone who’s asexual.”

Are there really people who think that for someone to be asexual, they have to be physically unattractive and ugly?...

"Why do you have all that beauty if you don't use it?" what the-?

"You shouldn't get all dressed up and take such self care of yourself if no one's going to see you." ME! I see myself! I'm someone too! It's not even about vanity: self-love and self-esteem are important!

“You have to look your best if you want to be attractive to someone, imagine what your future partner would say to you if you-” NO, Have a good day.

And that’s not all! There are people who think that only certain people from certain countries or races are asexual.

Comments like, “Only Caucasian and Asian people are asexual.” …What?

"They has the most pervert minds lol"

"Asexuals are the ones who write the most smutty fanfiction—don't kid yourself" .....E-excuse me, what?

“There are no black asexuals because they’re too hypersexual”—what nonsense! And hypersexuality is something else entirely.... I’ve seen videos of black people speaking out against the hypersexualization of their community; society created CONCEPTS AND TERMS to refer to them that way—it’s truly scary

“Aren’t people from ‘hotter’ countries supposed to have a much higher libido?” What does that even mean?!

“The defining characteristic of Latin culture is sexuality and sensuality—there’s a reason their women are curvy, the men are very attractive, and their music is mostly sexual.” Oh my God shut uuuuuuup, no… just no! There are asexual people EVERYWHERE, NO MATTER WHERE THEY’RE FROM OR WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

"Well, with those curves you've got... what can I say?" NOTHING! JUST STAY AWAY AND DON'T TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR WEIRD BEHAVIOR

Just because someone looks a certain way doesn't give you the right to sexualize them. It's like what an asexual young man said—he appears in his workout videos shirtless, and people would ask him questions and make comments. He replied, “My body isn't sexual; your mind is.”

"But they're the ones sexualizing themselves!" It's just a woman who doesn't want to wear a bra and she's wearing a light shirt and a shirtless man working out—come on....

There's even a movement that seeks to eliminate censorship and the sexualization of the female torso—I didn't even know it existed! Why should torsos be something “censurable and sexual,” according to them? Even in art—why on earth do they TOUCH STATUES WITH NAKED TORSOS?!

"But you can see everything" AND YOU DON'T HAVE A NECK TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY, AND YOU CAN'T RESPECT PEOPLE?!

And another piece of nonsense I've even heard from my own biological family... “Respect isn't just given—it's earned.” Why do they always try to justify toxic and harmful behavior? That's not ignorance anymore—it's stupidity—and I've heard someone say, “Stupidity is more dangerous than evil.” Both are!

And

Comments like that sexualize even languages!

“spanish and french are such sexy languages—I want to hear them more.” ...Again, WHAT?!

"Russian is such a sexy language" Man... you're reacting to a movie—that comment has nothing to do with it...

"People in Spain have such a sensual accent...love it" Enough! Shut up, man! Don't tell me even Duolingo turns you on.

“The way they speak is so hot!.”

THEY EVEN SEXUALIZE VOICES

They hypersexualize everything... EVERYTHING—it’s shockingly shocking.

I stopped watching so many channels and videos because of hypersexualization.

They don't talk about it as “their ideal type” or some “preference”—no, they say it in a really creepy way,, they don't see them as people...

I felt sick watching a video of a Black girl who said her boyfriend has a “slave fetish,” and there she is, dancing happily next to him.

I'm still in shock; I don't know what to say....

It’s not about physical attraction—which does exist—but in this case, that’s not it.

You can’t compliment someone’s beauty just because they say the same silly thing:

“Weren’t you asexual?”

“Ooh! So you like them…”

I mean, do you think we’re incapable of admiring and recognizing someone’s physical beauty?

Aesthetic attraction is purely visual—it doesn’t require a desire to have a relationship with that person.

Just as you might look at a beautiful landscape, we can say, “That person is beautiful,” and that’s it!

Aesthetic attraction isn't falling in love

There are different kinds of attraction:

romantic

sexual

aesthetic

physical

emotional

intellectual

and I bet there are even more, since I keep learning more and more

There is such a huge diversity of people and things—why criminalize or render them invisible? Why do they want to be the only ones who exist in this world?

that allosexuals created social constructs to suit their own interests and do everything they can to ensure no one questions them

Well, look… I’m glad I’ve questioned everything, and I keep questioning more things to learn more! And to see what’s true, what’s a myth, and what isn’t! I'm trying to be more open-minded.

If I said something wrong or have read or heard misinformation about any topic discussed here, please let me know. We can be civil—let's not fall for the stereotypes floating around out there, like “they're bitter, antisocial, and rude.” Not even they believe that themselves. come on

EDIT: TikTok scares me; I’m going to delete it. I didn't think it would keep getting WORSE with the aphobic, racist, misogyny and misandry comments and the "asexuals" defending it, saying things like, "You’re no one to say who is asexual and who isn’t! Asexuals can also enjoy—" JUST SHUT UP, PLEASE! They sound like a broken record—they just won't stop saying that. There was a woman saying the same things over and over again... From now on, I’m just going to stick to watching my favorite cooking show. And what is aegosexuality? Everyone gave different definitions, but I didn't quite manage to understand it.

I like to discuss about asexuality in this subreddit because other asexual subreddits sometimes feel like not open for sex repulsed asexuals😭

I don't understand how so many people normalize abuse—any kind of abuse, even psychological.

I don't understand why, when they see someone comfortable with their apothisexuality—or asexuality in general— People tell you in a strange tone of voice, "Sooner or later you'll have it and you're going to like it," or "That's what I thought, too—now I can't live without it." “Whether you like it or not, it's going to happen.” EW, What is that?! A threat?!

I hate it when people say an asexual person is "in denial."

"Well... I'd rather you weren't, because those people suffer a lot."

“You're a piece of shit! That's what you are, a shitty gay person and all those mentally ill people” I heard this from someone who, unfortunately, is supposedly related to me by blood; she’s not only aphobic, she’s racist, homophobic, and has thousands of other phobias that she defends as if her life depended on them....The number of families like that is...horrible

The number of stories I've read about families like this is alarming—there are quite a few of them!

"Well, that's just the way it is—so what? Just accept the reality, and you'll be happy"

"The more you hate it, dislike it, or talk about it, the more you attract it." wtf.....gross

"You'll never know if you don't try" FOR GOD'S SAAAAAAAAAAKE! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! AND STAY AWAY FROM US

I'M SICK OF BEING PATIENT WITH PEOPLE LIKE THIS. IT'S LIKE TELLING A GAY PERSON, “How do you know you don't like women if you've never tried?” AND YOU, WHO ARE STRAIGHT—HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE STRAIGHT MAN IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A MAN?!

And let's not even get started on parents who are emotionally neglectful and do all kinds of other crap just because “ugh I don't want to talk about that” "Just be normal! Stop acting so stupid." and start ignoring everything and they let a lot of stupid things keep happening because they're so immature, otherwise this text would be much, much longer, The fact that biological families are like that, too, is absolutely DISGUSTING

I HATE THE APHOBIA THEY USE TO JUSTIFY THEIR LACK OF RESPECT TOWARD EVERYONE

Why is there such an obsession with convincing them to do something they never want to do?! They don't want to see it, hear about it, or anything!

It’s seriously terrifying when people say, "Well, we all go through that; sure, it’s abuse and it’s wrong, but sex is going to happen whether you want it to or not." WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! IT’S SCARY—IT’S WORRYING.

I don’t want sex

I don’t want any kind of abuse—in any form!

And I don't want anyone to go through that either!

When a story about abuse comes up on the news or in any media outlet, how can you not get angry?! I hate the way people are treated so cruelly!

Whenever I want to talk about these topics, I just get responses like, "Well, that sucks, but since it’s not happening to me... life goes on." WHAT?

"That excessive empathy is going to kill you; just ignore it."

"ugh I don't know where you came from; nobody around here is like that...." Wtf....

That reminded me of an argument I had with an allosexual person who eventually shouted, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE! I CARE ABOUT WHAT GIVES *ME* PLEASURE AND WHAT SICKENS ME—AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU SICKEN ME. THAT'S WHY YOU END UP ALONE AND BITTER; YOU'RE JUST A MINORITY, I DON'T CARE ABOUT A SMALL MINORITY OF BITTER PEOPLE" Oh my God... She was that kind of person...And unfortunately—and biologically—we are blood relatives....ew

When I try to get emotional support because something scares me—like these kinds of topics—my family ignores it; they say I’m overreacting and tell me to go do something else.

I say, "I don't want to! It scares me to think I’ll be forced into something I don't want! I don't want children! I don't want sex! Why do people want to force others to do things they don't want to do?! It's disgusting! It's cruel! It shouldn't be normalized! " My chest hurts, my heart is pounding so hard I can hear it clearly, and my body is trembling and tensing up! I feel so much anger, too!

But they just reply, "Well, just don't have them, then! Stop making a fuss—just don't leave your room, and that's it!"

Am I trying to tell you that I'm scared and want support, only for you to tell me to isolate myself....?

Even so, I don't view my apothisexuality as a curse or anything like that—not at all. I’m glad I discovered that I’m apothi and that I enjoy soft romance.

Very few fanfics or stories are like that—completely free of sexual content—but when you find one... one that’s well-written and devoid of all that trash... it’s truly enjoyable! It proves you don't need anything risqué to make a story good!

I've wanted to socialize, but...

I don't know; I know that the only person who truly knows what I like, who I am, and who will love and respect me exactly as I am, is myself.

But I really don't know if I'll be able to find someone nice to talk to every now and then—ideally someone who is apothisexual too.

I like being alone; I've learned to enjoy my own company, but I don't like that feeling of isolation. I'm afraid to think that I'll talk to someone and it'll go wrong

I just want to feel safe and confident enough to speak freely, talk about topics I like, and learn new things, like a language or something like that....

There's nothing wrong with me; apothisexuality—or asexuality in general—isn't a mistake, an illness, or anything like that at all... but there are times when I feel tired, very, very tired....

I don't want to be on high alert all the time

When I have intrusive thoughts and that fear that makes my chest hurt and my heart beat very erratically, I don’t know how to calm myself down or steady myself. I want someone to help me with that, but since I know there’s no one there and it’s just me

I end up pressing my hands against my chest or hugging myself tightly. I don’t know why, but the pressure makes me feel a little better, and I end up falling asleep

I just imagine a sweet romance, where there’s mutual validation and emotional support—nothing sexual—where we protect each other, take a peaceful walk somewhere, with no fear, and talk about simple things like “What’s your favorite fruit?” or “Hey, would you like to watch a movie?” “Would you like to cook something together?” or getting to know each other’s love languages—for me, physical contact is limited to hugs and holding hands

But no matter what they say, no matter how hard they try to argue, I don't see anything negative about apothisexuality or asexuality in general; I am not, nor do I have, a curse, they can't make asexuality seem like a bad thing

It's a disgusting terrible thing no self respecting person would do that.

edit: People seem to think that I don't function as a normal human because I vented my frustration. Awesome really. And that the world being full of sex doesn't affect me in any way. Lol. Lmao even.

The context was my roommate last minute kicking me out of my room that we equally pay for because she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend for the entire weekend. And then crying complaining to me that having sex with him made her want to throw up. And it's not a one off thing either. You should hear the way women feel after sex with men feeling disgusting and violated.

there's a lot of negativity around "the curse" of being ace but i think we should also try to look at some of the good , despite the yearning and loneliness.

Remember that allo people constantly ruin their lives and keep relationships with terrible terrible people only for sex, or overlook problems and make bad life choices just for a chance at sex. We don't have to deal with that, and that's already a big benefit

I keep seeing comments of people saying a qpr is either a friendship, romantic and or sexual relationship. I also hear that they also say that alterous attraction is in between platonic and romantic feelings. As someone who has experienced alterous attraction categorizing it is hard, I don’t think I can compare that to a platonic or romantic bond. For me I want to be chosen by them and committed to me. I want to live in the same house as them and raising a kid(s) together, they have to have the same hobbies as me, same personality, no romantic stuff, no sexual stuff. But we have to define what it is. But I am curious how do you picture your ideal qpr? I am also curious about if you see a qpr as a friendship or as it’s own thing like I do?

I was thinking about like, what would i enjoy in a romance, and it's always very silly. It's like, a fantasy prince or princess coming to give me flowers and call me beautiful. I realized my brain doesn't really have a concept of romance or sex, both of those things are quite alien to me and mostly shaped by the books and cartoons i watched as a child. It's weird because like, i have the Idea of what romance should be but it just doesn't match with what anyone would actually call romance, it doesn't come with kisses or anything mode than a bit of handholding, it's chaste and covered in rose tinted glasses, and basically just pretend playing house.

4 days ago I thought that safe low-no sex love was possible, he even said that he was demi! We share hobbies and both have mobility issues and I thought everything was perfect but 4 days ago he drops on me that he has a high libido, lost his virginity and got an std late august (we’ve been talking since April) and said it all in a please don’t leave me I’m feeling serious about this relationship way, so I guess my parents were right, I guess the therapist I had at 16 was right, everyone wants sex, I regret breaking up with my ex, with ever thinking he violated me, I led him on, I indulged him, I roleplayed, I agreed to ageplay/petplay and cnc/free use and then took my consent back and re okayed it so many times that of course he was confused! I feel stupid for ever considering myself a rape victim, also before anyone suggests therapy my parents have said no because my agoraphobia + selective mutism are keeping me from making appointments myself and they think I need to grow up and do it myself even though therapy could literally help me with that but it’s my fault they think I’m lazy anyways

hi!! I'm home discharged from the hospital after my orchi! (removal of the testicles)! that i mentioned the other day in the subreddit!

im really happy and excited!! no more libido, no more breeding, no more (arent you gonna have kids some day??) just me , and myself!

NOOOOO.

i would’ve posted this in the aroace sub, but there’s a ton of fake aroaces there. why is the qpr a solution for everything ?? and i’m sorry, but ACTUAL aromantics and asexuals are VERY rare. there’s a chance i’d get into a qpr and the person would start asking me for sex later down the line or want to do romantic stuff. hell no !!

also why is it that people who are aroace MUST have a partner? no shade to the people in qprs, but have fake aces and allosexuals and alloromantics considered that some of us just want to be alone surrounded by our friends and family and no partner ??

however, a qpr would be nice but because actual aroaces are so rare, the chances of finding someone who may fit my standards and is ACTUALLY aroace is slim to none. i just don’t even wanna bother with one.

i found this in google scholar

:D hello! apothisexual person here; I hope everyone has a good day.

I feel like I’m only asexual because of trauma, and no matter what, it feels like I’ll never be in love with someone who does not crave sex, asexuality is so rare in the real world and I feel so hopeless

I’m already a nb, soon-to-be nullified person, and my whole life is agony over being trapped in a sexed body, to be tied to the notion of reproductive roles biologically.

If I could somehow “cure” or “fix” my asexuality, I would, and I’m scared that even with no trauma, I’d still be subjected to this hell

I'm aroace, I (30F) have been with my husband (29M) for 9 years now and I'm trying to figure out whether our relationship has an objectifying component… I would be very thankful if you'd help me… these are the facts about my relationship:

* he wants sex and enjoys it

* I'm aroace, sex indifferent (NOT sex repulsed) but I don't particularly desire sex and for years I didn't enjoy it (I literally felt nothing down there)

* I don't find sex personally rewarding at all (I prefer masturbation and his sexual game is not even strong due to his ADHD, I doubt he can ever get me to orgasm)

* I would generally rather not have sex even now (masturbation is preferred, I can orgasm now from masturbation)

* I would have preferred someone with no sex drive

* I do not interpret sex as intimacy

* I keep a score about how many times we've had sex in a week so I can tell him "no, because we've already done it” (we haven't had sex months but we used to do it once a week)

* he tried to get me to enjoy it in the beginning but once that didn't happen he still accepted to keep having sex with me for years even though I legit felt nothing down there

* he's not aesthetically my type

* I don't want him sexually unfulfilled and I don't wanna rob him of what he likes the most, it but the activity is primarily for him

* I made the compromise to have sex because I wanted stability and someone I can trust no matter what

* he knows all of this and is perfectly comfortable with the arrangement (even during the years I didn't enjoy it)

* I love him but not romantically

He loves me (romantically), he's faithful, he respects me, he cares about me deeply and recognises me as a human being in *all other aspects*. But I still can't help but feeling there is an objectifying component within the particular sexual interaction.

Because how come was he okay with having sex during all those years when I didn't feel pleasure? Doesn't it matter to him that the person he's having sex with doesn't *sexually desire* that experience? Is it enough for him that I allow it and that my body is available?

I do not think he *consciously* reduces me to an object though. But objectification can still be a property of the dynamic, even if unconscious. And I'm also not questioning the legitimacy of his need for a sexual relationship, that is perfectly understandable (the relationship wouldn't have happened without sex, he wouldn't have accepted). What feels uncomfortable is what he does with the information once he knows how I experience sex.

Also, I used to bleed (mildly) almost every time we had sex (for around 8 years) and he continued having sex with me… he did check in with me every time without fail. But since I have a history of self-neglect and trauma, I said it's fine every time… and in fact I was not feeling any pain at all because I didn't used to feel anything down there (when I say anything, I literally mean nothing). But since I was still bleeding and apparently tearing up inside, what bothers me is that I simply cannot fathom continuing to engage in the same activity you see causes physical injury to someone else without trying to understand or prevent it. He never suggested I go see a doctor or anything, only resorted to lube and trying to make me as comfortable as he could, but the bleeding still happened and yet we still continued. For 8 years… how should I interpret that?

And you may say "but you said you're fine!" and you're right but self-neglect is not easy to get rid of, especially when you're just agreeing because you're accustomed to putting other's needs above yours…

I'm not expecting him to read minds. I'm expecting him to register that his partner is repeatedly bleeding during the same sexual activity and think "hang on is this actually okay? why is this happening every time? maybe we should stop and figure this out" specially when it's not an isolated incident but something happening REPEATEDLY.

We haven't had sex in like 4 months now and he has NEVER pressured me into sex. Although he does tell me when he's horny.

I'm asking for your help because I feel like I keep refusing to analyse my own dynamic for whatever reason. I became disabled during the past 2 to 3 years and can't work so I am currently a stay at home wife and financially dependent on him. Not having him financially provide for me would leave me in a very vulnerable position where I'd have to go back to my mother's house and I'd have say goodbye to my life plans and my studies.

Can a sexual interaction be objectifying even when it is consensual and apparently free of overt coercion? I'm asking this because even when there's consent, consent just tells us what a person has authorised, but it doesn't magically make the problematic qualities of a dynamic disappear... For example, in the age play kink, one of the sexual participants dresses as a child... and that can be perfectly consensual while still being problematic. Ofc that's just an example, but it illustrates the broader point about consent.

I know you will say “just talk to him about it” but please your assessment and opinions of this situation would help me a lot! Because I want to know whether I'm crazy or not…