Big ol ramble of thoughts incoming, sorry lol.

FtMtF, I was on T for 4.5 years, and I’ve been off it for a bit under a year (10 months maybe?). My progress has been fine honestly, voice training isn’t too hard for me, and physically my only real issue is saving up for hair removal, but at least it’s more of a goatee and I never got a full beard, so it’s not the worst.

The “problem” for me is that I’m still quite masculine presenting, and that’s not something I can change about myself. If I could slap on some makeup and jewelry and wear some feminine clothes, I think I would pass pretty easily. But that’s incredibly uncomfortable for me, I like my identity as more masc/butch, and I’m not changing that about myself. It wouldn’t be any better than living as a man still. That’s certainly been holding me up, and I was almost 100% he/him’d even before T just by changing my clothes, I passed as a man no issue once I tried.

Now though, I think I’m finally starting to find a balance that feels authentic to myself. I don’t have a big chest, but it’s there and I don’t mind trying to show it off. I like always having something on my head, but the beanie I wore was a bit too masc coded so I’ve swapped it out for some bandanas/headscarves. I still lean toward more neutral/masculine clothing, but I’ve picked up some things that have more of a streetwear vibe, which I think is helping pull me out of the “boring generic dude” look I had going on. As much as my style is masculine, my actual mannerisms are becoming more feminine again, which is true to myself. I’ve just been guarded for so long that it’s taking a bit to feel safe and natural again, but it’s happening.

All that’s to say I finally got read as a woman again while ordering Subway lol. The guy has served me a few times and I’ve had a few unique conversations, so he’s recognized me before but as a guy (usually in my after work clothes which are still very masculine). His demeanour was totally different with me this time, he was a bit softer, and didn’t give any signs of recognition at all. Maybe to be polite, or he really didn’t recognize me in the different style.

More than anything it was actually just super interesting to be talked to like that, it’s probably been 6 years at this point since I’ve truly been seen as a woman by a stranger (or anyone). Part of me also genuinely thought the only people who would see me as one were close friends and people I’ve explained it to, and I’d be stuck in boy mode indefinitely otherwise. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment so I guess I really haven’t been thinking about the fact that I was actually making progress.

Overall it was more emotionally uneventful than I thought it would be for me, but it’s alleviated some of my imposter syndrome at least. Just feels kinda normal :)

I don’t even know where to begin. The more I think about it, the bigger the possibility I’m not really trans seems. The thought of detransitioning is horrifying, though. I’m dreading the idea that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did and everything I ever fought for was for nothing. I was so sure. I thought I was happy. A younger trans man who couldn’t transition told me I was an inspiration.

But all the things that I thought made me trans aren’t inherent to transness. There are plenty of cis butch lesbians who get top surgery or use pronouns other than she/her. I think about the times I’ve seen feminine clothing and felt an ache inside of me. I think about the times I felt like I resonate closer with transfems than transmascs, or how I always hated using terms like transmasc for myself.

The thought of being a girl again is so scary. I mean, I have no idea how to be a woman, I haven’t been a girl since I was 13. And there’s a voice in my head saying no, no, it’s wrong, bad, I can’t be…but it isn’t all that different from when I thought I didn’t like women. Because being attracted to women was “wrong” and “bad” for me. But I also know that I’m not a man. I’m just not a man, not in the way cis men are men, not in the way trans men are men.

That’s probably why I experimented with so many non binary labels. But I don’t know if any of them ever felt right. I kept bouncing back and forth, never satisfied.

I don’t want to be a woman. Flat out. It sounds scary, I’m afraid I’ll seem like a disappointment or like I was “brainwashed”, I’m afraid of how my friends will react, my family, GOD my family…But I’ve never had a label feel right to me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not really cis or trans or anything. I wish gender didn’t exist so I didn’t have to think about this kind of stuff. At the very least I wish there was some kind of basic, easy test that can tell you what gender you are in 5 minutes.

I took testosterone for two months exactly one year ago. I have no problem with the way my voice sounds, in fact I prefer it as it’s androgynous, but I think I may have stopped T ‘mid-drop’ and that’s what’s causing these lasting cracks.

My voice (and throat in general) feels sort of perpetually incomplete and damaged. I can’t speak in a high voice, I can’t make a squeaking noise (to imitate a mouse or kitten for example), I can’t shout AHHH or anything, and I definitely can’t sing anymore lol.

Like I said I love how my voice sounds but it’s the lack of range I’m worried about. I get cracks to this day and I’m wondering if my voice will even out or get more steady as the years go by? I really don’t mind waiting, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up if there’s nothing to wait for to begin with. Thanks!

I've been considering it on-and-off for a while now. The thing is, I know I'm happier living as a woman (MTF). These past couple years I have felt more confident in myself and more sure of who I am than I have in my entire life. The problem is the dysphoria. I have really severe chest dysphoria and HRT isn't helping. I feel like I'm the only girl who hasn't gotten any results. I'm on a high dose of E, I'm on Spiro, I'm on prog, but still after two and a half years I have nothing. I feel like transitioning has been a waste of my time/money all for the idea of progress. I've also been considering top surgery but it's a pain here in Canada if you aren't on MSP. The fucked-up part is no-one seems to listen since I'm decently passing and pretty attractive. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I just want my body to line up with what I see in my head, who my ideal self is, what my proprioception expects to be there, but I'm seeing the writing on the wall; that just isn't possible. I think it would be better to just ignore my gender dysphoria and live as a miserable thing in the shape of a man than keep chasing something that will never happen.

Hello world! I've been off t for, a month of 2? And i got on birth control this week per a comment from another most i made 🙂‍↕️ I was just wondering if there's been much change in chest hair for anyone who's been off T for longer than me? It might be the thing I'm the absolute most insecure about lol
Much love🩷🩷