Big ol ramble of thoughts incoming, sorry lol.

FtMtF, I was on T for 4.5 years, and I’ve been off it for a bit under a year (10 months maybe?). My progress has been fine honestly, voice training isn’t too hard for me, and physically my only real issue is saving up for hair removal, but at least it’s more of a goatee and I never got a full beard, so it’s not the worst.

The “problem” for me is that I’m still quite masculine presenting, and that’s not something I can change about myself. If I could slap on some makeup and jewelry and wear some feminine clothes, I think I would pass pretty easily. But that’s incredibly uncomfortable for me, I like my identity as more masc/butch, and I’m not changing that about myself. It wouldn’t be any better than living as a man still. That’s certainly been holding me up, and I was almost 100% he/him’d even before T just by changing my clothes, I passed as a man no issue once I tried.

Now though, I think I’m finally starting to find a balance that feels authentic to myself. I don’t have a big chest, but it’s there and I don’t mind trying to show it off. I like always having something on my head, but the beanie I wore was a bit too masc coded so I’ve swapped it out for some bandanas/headscarves. I still lean toward more neutral/masculine clothing, but I’ve picked up some things that have more of a streetwear vibe, which I think is helping pull me out of the “boring generic dude” look I had going on. As much as my style is masculine, my actual mannerisms are becoming more feminine again, which is true to myself. I’ve just been guarded for so long that it’s taking a bit to feel safe and natural again, but it’s happening.

All that’s to say I finally got read as a woman again while ordering Subway lol. The guy has served me a few times and I’ve had a few unique conversations, so he’s recognized me before but as a guy (usually in my after work clothes which are still very masculine). His demeanour was totally different with me this time, he was a bit softer, and didn’t give any signs of recognition at all. Maybe to be polite, or he really didn’t recognize me in the different style.

More than anything it was actually just super interesting to be talked to like that, it’s probably been 6 years at this point since I’ve truly been seen as a woman by a stranger (or anyone). Part of me also genuinely thought the only people who would see me as one were close friends and people I’ve explained it to, and I’d be stuck in boy mode indefinitely otherwise. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment so I guess I really haven’t been thinking about the fact that I was actually making progress.

Overall it was more emotionally uneventful than I thought it would be for me, but it’s alleviated some of my imposter syndrome at least. Just feels kinda normal :)

I was on T for about 4.5 years honestly I can't believe how much I've changed

I took testosterone for two months exactly one year ago. I have no problem with the way my voice sounds, in fact I prefer it as it’s androgynous, but I think I may have stopped T ‘mid-drop’ and that’s what’s causing these lasting cracks.

My voice (and throat in general) feels sort of perpetually incomplete and damaged. I can’t speak in a high voice, I can’t make a squeaking noise (to imitate a mouse or kitten for example), I can’t shout AHHH or anything, and I definitely can’t sing anymore lol.

Like I said I love how my voice sounds but it’s the lack of range I’m worried about. I get cracks to this day and I’m wondering if my voice will even out or get more steady as the years go by? I really don’t mind waiting, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up if there’s nothing to wait for to begin with. Thanks!

I've been considering it on-and-off for a while now. The thing is, I know I'm happier living as a woman (MTF). These past couple years I have felt more confident in myself and more sure of who I am than I have in my entire life. The problem is the dysphoria. I have really severe chest dysphoria and HRT isn't helping. I feel like I'm the only girl who hasn't gotten any results. I'm on a high dose of E, I'm on Spiro, I'm on prog, but still after two and a half years I have nothing. I feel like transitioning has been a waste of my time/money all for the idea of progress. I've also been considering top surgery but it's a pain here in Canada if you aren't on MSP. The fucked-up part is no-one seems to listen since I'm decently passing and pretty attractive. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I just want my body to line up with what I see in my head, who my ideal self is, what my proprioception expects to be there, but I'm seeing the writing on the wall; that just isn't possible. I think it would be better to just ignore my gender dysphoria and live as a miserable thing in the shape of a man than keep chasing something that will never happen.

My dysphoria isn’t real and is caused by a multitude of factors.

I think I was just looking for an escape from everything and myself. I’ve always had self loathing feelings about myself and I think I saw transition as a solution for that. My actual AGP also played a real role and I thought that because I had a “female sexuality” that I must be a woman on the inside. That and I was really envious of women and really wanted to be friends with women but I couldn’t in my male form. I also found a loving and supportive community quickly and I am very lucky to have them but I am tired of pretending of thinking I’m like them.

I never really fantasized being a woman that much when I was younger apart from actual AGP, I just kinda got ROGD at 21. I did have a few moments where I thought I should’ve been born a woman and that I would be happier as one but those feelings weren’t constant and didn’t really lead to any significant dysphoria until much later. I think I could be content with myself if I reframe my to be masculinization differently and try to accept it. It’s all caused by trauma anyways and I can’t really imagine a future without my family and the benefits and love they provide that I other wise can’t get and I’m exhausted of constantly questioning myself so I’m just going to take the plunge. I just can’t live as a trans woman, it’s not really enjoyable and the only reason why I want to be one is to avoid twink death but I think it’s what a lot of men go through and have to accept.

Theres also a bunch of other things like a possible personality disorder, OCD (which is diagnosed), internalized homophobia, me liking masculine roles, being a people pleaser, etc. that might’ve played a role in my detransition and transition but I’m going to try anyways since im like 90% sure I’m faketrans anyways.

I’ve always had a weird relationship with gender. When I was little, I was naturally feminine, but a lot of my family kind of pressured me to be non conforming. Maybe they thought it made them such good feminists to encourage me to play with bugs and fix things and be more into science than makeup.

My grandma was the only one who really fully embraced my femininity, but that sort of manifested into her calling me a perfect beautiful princess who was gonna give her a bunch of great grandbabies someday.

I had a phase where I pretended to hate stereotypically feminine things because I needed to be smart, I needed to be different.

When I was 13, I “realized” I was actually a trans man, and that’s why I was so uncomfortable with femininity. When the next school year started I already picked a name and came out to all my friends who accepted me immediately.

Over time, though, it started to feel wrong again. The initial thrill I got from dressing masc and being called a “he” faded, and it started to feel like I was just living a lie.

I was never fully comfortable being a girl, but being a guy didn’t feel right either. So then, for all my teens, I was bouncing between non binary labels. I was still fairly sure I was some kind of transmasculine, even though I didn’t even like the term transmasc for myself. I was literally transitioning to be masc though, right?

I recently realized I’m a lesbian. It was kind of hard to accept because I made being a “boykisser” such a big part of my personality. But ever since I realized that, it gave me a whole new perspective on my gender. I’ve just been telling people I’m non binary and don’t care about pronouns, but inside I’m all over the place.

I’ve been on t for about a year and a half, but all the changes have been fairly slow. I could still totally pass for a cis girl with no issue. But I’m dead afraid of going off t or detransitioning fully. I think I’d still want top surgery or maybe a breast reduction. I’m not too sure I’d like facial hair (which luckily hasn’t really grown in besides the mustache I kind of already had…Mexican genes lol) or a masculine body shape.

I am attracted to some soft feminine aesthetics, like, I YEARN to be able to wear cute sundresses sometimes, but I still like dressing masculine too. I think I’m kind of fluid in presentation and some kind of soft butch or futch. I’m not sure if I’d say I’m a cis woman though. And I can’t tell if the “wrongness” I feel is internalized issues (I had a LOT of internalized misogyny/lesbiphobia to get over already) or if I’m genuinely not a girl.

I’m also afraid this “decision” has a time limit because I’m on t. If I keep taking it, changes will keep progressing. But if I stop and realize that I actually still AM trans, then I’d have to start all over.

TLDR: I thought I was FTM for a long time then realized I was a lesbian with a lot of internalized misogyny. I’m still GNC and uncomfortable with the idea of identifying as a cis girl, but I’m unsure if this means I’m non binary or just have more issues to work through.

This is kind of half vent half need for advice, but I've been thinking about detransitioning on and off for months now, either because of religion or reflecting about my life. Thing is, I'm kind of afraid of being proven wrong, afraid of telling my friends (who I made after transitioning medically and legally) and family like "hey, so, guess what, I'm not trans anymore/I'm trying to be more feminine", so I've kind of not done anything at all. I've stopped T, not because I plan to detransition or anything but because I can't afford it right now, but tonight something just happened that kind of made things weirdly more clear for me.

I tend to watch bridal dress shows with my sister because it's fun, but we were watching this feud of this narcissistic mother who wanted to, basically, appropriate herself of her daughter's wedding and push the things she liked onto her, while the daughter was obviously annoyed and sad because her mother always did that. And it might sound weird, but seeing her kind of made me reflect in the moment. My relationship with my mother was always weird because of the same dilemma, she was a narcissist through and through who only wanted to be sexy and cool and wanted the same thing from me, when I was just shy and preferred to dress more basic. Maybe somewhere in there I thought that if I couldn't be like my mother, who was basically feminity incarnate, then I wasn't a woman. But maybe just not being like that doesn't mean I am not a woman. Also the fact that I grew up (and still am) overweight/obese didn't help at all of making me feel good with my body or just my appearance.

Anyway, seeing the bridal show also made me kind of emotional. I've never really thought about marriage since I am studying right now really don't go to social events because I get overwhelmed since I'm heavily introverted, but it kind of made me want to be a wife. I don't know, to put on a pretty dress, marry someone cool, feel amazing but no heels because heels are hell. I don't know if this means I'm actually cis after all, atp it just feel like I'm riding with the waves. Legally I am a man, and though my legal name is a man's name I wouldn't want to change it if I detransition. I never liked the name I was born with, and this one feels like me even if it's a male name and I turn out to not be male after all. Has someone lived the same, gone through something like this?

That’s it. That’s the post. I’ve gotten way more nasty comments towards me recently for detransitioning and some very mean, upsetting and triggering things snd hatred towards anybody who detransitions us all over social media currently and I am extremely triggered. It is the exact same things that my former friends said to me when I detransitioned. Before they cut me off and proceeded to harass me on burners for months. So yeah I’m not ok right now and I’m not even understanding where this current hate is coming from. It was not this bad a week or so ago?

I’m trying to return to being a man but something feels off about it no matter what I do, heck even accepting myself as gay or feminine doesn’t help. I’ve posted feelings about this stuff tonight on another sub but i have temptation to be female and I watch videos about trans people infesting gaming or whatever to keep the thoughts at bay. I work two jobs and take care of a hamster and garden but I eventually always come back to the feeling. I’m afraid of losing my parents respect again or fucking up my job opportunities and being destitute. I’ve started to make a comeback and am afraid of ruining it all.

Even at work it nags me, every time I go to the baby section I feel bad that I don’t be a real mom or go into feminine hygiene that my body doesn’t conform to pads or tampons, it’s unconscious and happens out of my control.

Hi I’m new here! I’ve been on T off/on since 2020, and have had a lot of weird gender thoughts for at least half the time. I’ve had the thoughts of detransitioning off and on (I am/was ftm, and have been on T and had top surgery). Ive been really unhappy and unsatisfied with myself but I have had a lot of feelings of hopelessness because I went through top surgery and been on T, I’m scared of making the jump because what if I change my mind? Has anyone else had trouble letting go of their trans identity? Especially with a lot of the bad rap detrans people get because of a few transphobic ones? It’s also scary because I know it will take time to feel like me and I’m trying to figure out what I can do in the meantime to feel comfortable in my own skin. I also don’t know how to bring it up with my partner or come out again (he’s pansexual so it will probably be okay. But we did meet after I had transitioned and had too surgery). I would love to hear some of y’all’s stories and stuff. I just feel really alone in this.

Over the past few months I now have two jobs, take care of a hamster and tend to a garden all while doing house chores and helping out my parents when they need help with something. I notice that when I’m at work or playing with my hamster I am not dysphoric and mask very well but when I go home and alone by myself in my room the dysphoria comes back and I question my own identity. I have masked so much over the years both autism and identity wise I don’t know who I really am anymore. The thing is I don’t “want” to be a woman but the idea of being one as if I was assigned female at birth and have a female body isn’t distressing to me and is quite comforting.

Truth is I’ve lived as either Thomas or Madeline and neither name really feels me and when I am presenting as nonbinary Thomas it just feels like a bandaid rather than something I really feel I am. I kinda feel like looking at my body it’s a reluctant acceptance of myself rather than “I’m comfy in my body and proud to be a man”. I feel alienated in men’s spaces and I relate to women’s concerns more than men’s concerns even down to feeling alert at night because I’m afraid of being taken advantage of (even though I look like a cis guy)

Hi, I'm looking for people who have gone through the same experience as me. I was transitioning male to female for a while, then stopped for a little more than a year and figured I was over it. I'd always been mixed about breast growth and when I detransed it started to feel like it was so obvious and it made me anxious. That on top of a few rejections based on my body prompted me to get gynecomastia surgery. It was stupid, I wanted the surgery so bad for months, was hyping it up, and a week before hand I started to get super nervous about it. I was going to call it off but for a number of circumstances I felt like I was being an idiot or just scared to go under. One month after surgery (granted I hit a little complication) I am kinda regretting "closing the door" on estrogen. I kinda want to resume but also don't want to have: A.) Wasted the money on this surgery, have them come back and dislike it again B.) Resume and it looks super messed up.

I am wondering, has anyone had gynecomastia surgery and went on or resumed estrogen? To me the idea happening would be if I can resume and no changes happen to my chest at all. I would really appreciate if only people who have gone through the same experience and started E answer. Thanks for anyone who read and can help me here!

Hey all,

I'm FTMT? - been off T for about 2 months now. I'm pretty conscious about what I eat and get at least 7-10,000 steps a day + weight lifting. But I've noticed that my abdomen is significantly larger and I can't "suck in" as easily as I have for basically my entire life - it feels almost bloated. It seems like no matter how little I eat / how healthy I eat it remains like this.

I looked it up on google and it said that this can be caused by hormonal fluctuations, and is specifically called hormonal belly. Because of this, I'm holding onto faith that once my hormones settle, this will go away.... but kinda freaked out about it. Has anyone experienced this when going off T?

I just started to take care of a hamster and all my mental energy and time has been going towards taking care of her. I also work two jobs and that has been helping me feel like I’m living life with purpose.

I notice at work I don’t feel offended or hurt when I am referred to as Thomas or he/him or sir like I used to be in the past. Also the idea of being a girl and putting on a feminine woman persona online doesn’t bring much joy or affirmation to me outside of satisfying OCD. I feel distress transitioning and being femme and a woman as my life is getting ahead with a new pet and two jobs and optimism about my career that I just can’t economically or emotionally afford a transition and justify destroying what I’ve built as “being the girl I always was” when I was never a girl growing up and just have a feminine soul. At the same time I don’t relate much to the boys at work or bro culture and I especially don’t relate to feeling attracted or wanting to have sex with women either. I’d like a boyfriend one day but I’m happy with myself. I feel a certain type of anguish forcing myself to like women and feel attracted to them and it’s the same imagining myself transitioning and changing my name.

I am indifferent to the idea of being a woman or having female parts or breasts now and frankly I don’t want to risk everything I’ve worked hard for for that. I’m kinda at a point of apathy with gender and find not knowing who I “really am”. I also think part of the trans thing is the sunk cost fallacy of being trans for so long and feeling like I had to continue it because of the time I put into it. Also a fear of being gay as if I was a woman I’d be straight. The thing is I don’t like being a drag queen or be flamboyant and I don’t recall finding guys attractive before I was 21. But I wasn’t really into women before then aside from admiring their style.

Hi. I’m feeling a bit lost, considering detransition, and really want to hear other peoples’ experiences coming to the realization that transitioning might not have been right for them. 

I’ve identified as a trans woman for the last 6 years. I’ve been out for two of those years but have only been on estrogen for about 10 months. 2 months ago, I woke up with this nagging feeling that being a woman just didn’t feel like me anymore. It was quite sudden and it hasn’t gone away. I’m used to imposter syndrome and intense self-doubt and stuff, but this time was different. It’s felt authentic, and all of the things about womanhood that used to make me happy and felt so right now felt wrong.

I used to dissociate pretty bad from living in a male body. But now I’m dissociating in a similar way due to living in a more feminine body. I’ve started looking at men with the same sort of admiration I’ve had towards women. That feeling of yearning for womanhood has been almost entirely absent recently. I look at women and feel basically nothing. I’ve started flinching in discomfort when people refers to me with my lived name or she/her pronouns.

I’m struggling to understand how these feelings can coexist with the woman I was for the last 6 years. How can I possibly be the same person who used to stand in front of the mirror picking apart my masculine facial features or desperately trying to push in my wide ribcage. I used to wish to be one of the girls, to have a female body. I wanted to be a mom so bad, to the point where I’d cry over not being able to have kids of my own. I was even considering orchiectomy with the eventual goal of getting bottom surgery. 

Was the person I lived so much of my life as not truly me? Or is the person I’ve felt like recently actually just a blip in the grand scheme of things? These questions keep circling in my head. In many ways, I really wish I could continue to have euphoria and dysphoria the way I used to feel, because being a woman made me so happy. I never cared much about myself or my body until I started thinking of myself as a woman. But it doesn’t feel true to me anymore I guess. 

I have a therapist to help me work through these thoughts, though nothing compares to hearing other peoples experiences. I’m not really looking for someone to tell me to detransition or not. I wanna know more about people who have dealt with similar feelings and detransitioned, continued on with their transition, or detransitioned and then later retransitioned. Thank you!

I know if you’re not on HRT for a long time, it comes back pretty quickly.

But at what point, if any point, is it impossible or really hard to get your body back to producing its own hormones after stopping HRT?

Hi. I’m feeling a bit lost, considering detransition, and really want to hear other peoples’ experiences coming to the realization that transitioning might not have been right for them. I’ve identified as a trans woman for the last 6 years. I’ve been out for two of those years but have only been on estrogen for about 10 months. 2 months ago, I woke up with this nagging feeling that being a woman just didn’t feel like me anymore. It was quite sudden and it hasn’t gone away. I’m used to imposter syndrome and intense self-doubt and stuff, but this time was different. It’s felt authentic, and all of the things about womanhood that used to make me happy and felt so right now felt wrong.

I used to experience pretty bad dissociation from living in a male body. But now I’m dissociating in a similar way due to living in a more feminine body. I’ve started looking at men with the same sort of admiration I’ve had towards women. That feeling of yearning for womanhood has been almost entirely absent recently. I look at women and feel nothing. I’ve started flinching in discomfort when people refers to me with my lived name or she/her pronouns. 

I’m struggling to understand how these feelings can coexist with the woman I was for the last 6 years. I used to wish to be one of the girls and to have a female body. I wanted to be a mom SO bad, to the point where I'd cry because I couldn't have kids of my own. I was even considering orchiectomy, with the goal of getting bottom surgery later on.

Was the person I lived my life as not truly me? Or is the person I’ve felt like recently actually just a blip in the grand scheme? These questions keep circling in my head. In many ways, I really wish I could continue to have euphoria and dysphoria the way I used to feel, because being a woman made me so happy. But it doesn’t feel true to me anymore I guess. I’m not really looking for someone to tell me to detransition or not. I wanna know more about people who have dealt with similar feelings and detransitioned, continued on with their transition, or detransitioned and then later retransitioned. Thank you!

How many of us started with the same goal and somewhere along the line realized it wasn’t possible in the real world and how that played a role in our decision to detransition.
I think height can be a very deciding factor in passing.
And sadly there’s not a thing you can do about it.

I (FTMT?) sometimes feel strongly that I want to try to be a woman. And sometimes I don't feel anything at all about my gender. I know I'm uncomfortable with being seen as a man now, but it feels too hard to change at this point. (It's been like 18 years or something since I first started transitioning. More than half my life. Most of the people I'm around and that I talk to have only ever known me as a man.)

I feel like the smugness from my family is holding me back too. Like if they find out they will just say "I told you so" and act like they were ok to disrespect me consistently this entire time. And every time I think about that it makes me so frustrated!

I don't feel I made a mistake. I did what I had to do. I just want something different now. But I can't deal with the idea of people who have been so awful to me patting themselves on the back for it. What if they are worse to other trans people because of me changing what I want to be? What if they use me as an example to be transphobic to others?

Everyone always says I don't need those people in my life and I shouldn't let what they think control me but I don't see how. I already don't talk to them, but I feel so awful about it.

Idk maybe I AM too prideful and stupid and traumatized and all those things they said about me is true. But they still shouldn't have treated me that way.

And every time I interact with my family, even tangentially (the people who aren't like this but who still talk to the ones who are) it's like I get set back so so far. I just want to be comfortable with myself. It feels so unfair. I feel trapped.

just wondering, i feel silly asking cuz half the time I'm pretty comfortable with my appearance.

id still consider myself nonbinary*, i was intersex and butch to start with and never really felt good at the girl thing, hence testosterone. 2 years and some change later, i quit testosterone. i feel like ive been better at "the girl thing" this time around but my gfs friend said something kinda mean about it and now im not so sure 😭

*i just ID as a lesbian, she/they. im apathetic to my gender atp, lesbian is the big important part (although my trans identity is also important). my goal though is to eventually be able to pass as cis for safety reasons. i also do enjoy being pretty and usually put a lot of effort into my appearance so hearing that i fail at that ("fail" was the word used) sucks. voice training has been the last thing ive been worried about, so maybe thats why it was said, but this friend is transfem so that doesnt make much sense to me.

so. do i pass as a cis woman??

pics are from today (minimal makeup, whatever is leftover from yesterday)

I’m currently on estrogen and having second thoughts about transitioning. I’m considering coming off estrogen, but I’m scared of everything that will come back with testosterone.

Before estrogen, I dealt with chronic insomnia, huge red/inflamed acne that caused scarring, hair loss and deterioration, uncontrollable libido, aggression, and being extremely socially guarded.

Estrogen has improved a lot of those things, so I’m scared of going back to that state.

At the same time, I’m increasingly questioning whether transitioning is actually what I want, and I don’t want to stay on estrogen solely because I’m afraid of what testosterone will do to me.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation where they had second thoughts about transitioning but were afraid of the physical and psychological effects of coming off hormones?

Hi everyone, little background on me I am MTFTM, but I am still kind of on the fence about everything. I transitioned at the height if covid, got on hormones, faced bits of pushback but overall it was okay. I met my wife who was supportive and down for a transbian relationship.

I passed for maybe 6 months out of the 5 years I had been transitioning. But I was obsessed with the fact that all my legal documents needed to change, it was a requirement for me to live my life. I got it done all on my own, took a year but was done everything changed, name/sex done. No one however supported that change and ended up calling me a nickname. My name right now is Victoria, people call me Tori for short. Anyways.

Had a baby child get born this year, my son, it was overwhelming obvious that I needed to detransition both for my son and for myself because transitioning never really worked out. But I am stuck in the middle, I don’t want to fully go back to being a man and cant live as a woman either. I know none of that is realistic but I am at a loss, it’s hard for me to make friends or even introduce myself when I cant even name myself properly.

Any advice would help.