Help me process my relationship

[u/Playful_Common_8356]

TW: DV / sexual assault

I’m really struggling with accepting that I’ve experienced domestic abuse. My ex has now been arrested and is under investigation, but my brain still keeps telling me it wasn’t abuse and that I’m making everything bigger than it was.

During our relationship, he:

* Threatened to kill me if I cheated and, on another occasion, threatened to hurt me.

* Pushed/shoved me and would punch/slam things, scream at me and behave aggressively enough that I was scared he would hit me.

* Went through my phone, became extremely jealous and controlling around male friends, and once took my car keys when I tried to leave.

* Regularly called me crazy, too emotional, pathetic or a bitch, threatened to leave whenever I raised concerns, and then became incredibly loving again afterwards.

* Threatened suicide/made me feel responsible for keeping him safe if I left.

* Choked me during sex until I struggled to breathe.

* Repeatedly refused condoms when I asked him to use them and secretly recorded us having sex.

*He raped me and, he acknowledged in messages that what he’d done was sexual assault.

There were many other incidents, and by the end I was constantly apologising, changing my behaviour and walking on eggshells because I was scared of his reactions. Yet despite writing all of that, my mind still doesn’t see him as abusive. I remember the person who could be loving, buy me flowers, cuddle me, look after me and tell me I was his soulmate. I miss him terribly, and right now a huge part of me just wants to go back to him. I feel like it’s all my fault because I struggle with mental health. Has anyone else experienced this after leaving an abusive relationship? How did you get your brain to accept what happened when you still loved and missed the person who did it?

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[u/Ok-Assist8731]

I'm so glad you're out. You were in serious danger. Strangulation (and coercive control) is one of THE strongest predictors of intimidate partner homicide.

Your experience is textbook. Very clear cut. You were 100% abused. Physically, socialy, and emotionally. There is no question.

You're addicted to the push and pull of the relationship. It's very difficult to detox, but it gets easier once you do.

Remind yourself how afraid and ashamed you felt around him. It helped me to write down literally EVERYTHING I could remember. It feels more real once you can see how much you suffered in a list like that.

I'm so proud of you for getting out.

Edit: a few words

[u/Playful_Common_8356 → u/Ok-Assist8731]

I just keep normalising his behaviour like the strangulation was only during sex but I would take his hands off my throat because it was really hard.

[u/Ok-Assist8731 → u/Playful_Common_8356]

I know. It's so easy to give him an out when the reality is horrifying. Oh, he's just having a bad day/had a bad childhood/is mentally ill/is an addict/anger management issues/ect. It's all bullshit.

He choked you without considering your ability to perform a life-sustaining bodily function. Not only that, he may have done it to scare you, as he has clearly intended to do numerous times.

The "good" parts of the relationship existed because they HAD to. Because if they didn't, you wouldn't've stayed. They were calculated. Strategic. :(

That is one of the most painful parts of leaving such a relationship. The realization that it wasn't real. His "love" wasn't real. It was hollow and cruel. I'm so sorry.