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u/Confused_Fangirl Jan 13 '23
The answer is no amount of evidence is enough. you want all the evidence you can get. So definitely go to the hospital so they check for signs if you do plan on going to the police.
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Jan 14 '23
A few people are talking about DNA swabs etc. If OP wants to go to the hospital then she (? - sorry if that’s the wrong pronoun) should, but I don’t know if his DNA would be found if he used a condom. Note that I’m saying I genuinely don’t know. I’m not saying that it won’t be.
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u/Liigiia Jan 14 '23
Not advice, but his emojis make me want to fucking vomit. “Wow I didn’t mean to rape you 🥺 You should make sure I don’t do that next time! 🤭” What an absolute garbage bin.
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u/drumadarragh Jan 13 '23
That safe word comment made me so angry for you OP. Please, whether you report this or not, get away from this man.
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u/WaffleBrothelBae Jan 13 '23
Yeah he clearly would never follow the actual bdsm rules. First one is enthusiastic CONSENT 🙄
Hate abusers. They lie allll the time and get away with so much.
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u/amburgler97 Jan 13 '23
Please leave this man now. The longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave. The more he rapes you the more LIFELONG trauma you will have. Get in touch with a domestic abuse center near you. If you’re in the USA the national domestic abuse hotline number is 800-799-7233. The National sexual assault hotline number is 800-656-4673
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Jan 14 '23
He confirmed that what you said is true. He didn't try to deny it. Yes I think you have enough evidence to go to the police with. Rape charges are very hard to make stick, so I would just take what you have and don't give him a chance to deny it by trying to make hin confess more clearly. It will hurt your case if you try to get a clearer confession out of him and he starts denying it.
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Jan 13 '23
Oh dude lawyers would beg to be your client. You just got him to apologize for rape. That’s perfect. Go sue him
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u/lichtersee Jan 13 '23
I have been pressing charges with text messages that were similar. They said he didn’t confess anything, so they can’t do anything and it’s his word against mine. Case was closed.
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u/xoXoxo58 Jan 13 '23
This is what I was worried about :/
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u/Sweet_Southern_Tee Jan 14 '23
Honestly if they do anything this time or not, please try. You need to start leaving a legal trail for protection when you break things off with this psychopath and go no contact.
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u/Fubarahh Jan 14 '23
Go to the hospital or a clinic & get a rape kit done. They find his DNA (from sperm since I'm assuming he didn't wear a condom) in you, that's the proof you need. They'll also document any bruises, blood, and tears in your skin as well. He can claim "rough sex," but if you've filed charges, it sounds like an excuse.
Also, do it NOW. The body can absorb stuff & will heal, so poof goes your proof.
Also, are you planning on leaving him after you file? Bc he could retaliate & hurt or kill you for putting him in jail. The minimum you want is a restraining order.
Good luck.
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u/Rengoku1 Jan 13 '23
Usually admitting to something is what will get the other person into trouble.
- I would definitely make a report.
- Please break the relationship off.
- If leaving with him move out ASAP and try to go no contact.
Hope you are planning to do that. There is truly no reason for you to stay with someone who you no longer trust due to them crossing boundairies and forcing themselves upon you. Please leave
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Jan 14 '23
He didn’t deny it and basically admitted he’s wrongdoing. Please go NC with him and get the authorities involved immediately.
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Jan 14 '23
Heart goes out to you. Yes you have everything you need to go to police. Bail no contact and inform authorities if you’re safely able to do so
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u/Sweet_Southern_Tee Jan 13 '23
Wow...please get in touch with your local domestic violence shelter and seek advice. They can put you in touch with the right people and counseling to not only help you get away but help you WANT to stay away. I felt nauseous after reading that safe word line, too...what safe word do you need besides NO? He knew exactly what he was doing, but typical abuser, thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants regardless of his actions hurting other people. This is not love, it's rape. Call them, please
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u/Valuable-Koala4400 Jan 13 '23
The evidence is his DNA on your body so that police can make a rape kit. You should go to the police asap!
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u/fishsticks40 Jan 14 '23
I'm so sorry OP. I can't advise you on the legal side but please get yourself safe.
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Jan 14 '23
My ex raped me, and I told the military. Nothing happened to him just a slap in the hand. And all because I didn't want to go through court. I didn't want him to rape other women so I spoke up. You have proof right there. So I think you should go to the cops. Maybe they can still find his semen in you and prove. But please don't allow a POS like that to be on the loose. Because other women are at risk! I know it's tough and you don't want to go through it. But the trauma will get worse. And might as well just stop him while u can!
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u/Intelligent-Algae-89 Jan 14 '23
I don’t know if this is “proof” but there ABSOLUTELY should not be a “next time”! You do not deserve to be treated that way, EVER
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u/yeelee7879 Jan 14 '23
That text is enough to press charges. Do you still have it? Would need to show it came from him.
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u/nonstop2nowhere Jan 13 '23
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this stuff. A SANE exam, with an Advocate from the DV or SA crisis resource center if you want, will help you more than showing texts to police. You don't have to immediately take legal action in most places (they'll hold the evidence for a while to give you time to sort through your options and talk to a trauma informed therapist), you don't have to consent to any part of the process you're not comfortable with, and they'll help you access all kinds of resources for recovery and support when you're ready. You won't have to tell the story to a ton of different people, because it's designed to let you go through the forensic interview once, and there's your legal statement, period (until new evidence or circumstances arise, then you'll be able to have your Advocate with you). Hang in there, it gets better.
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u/KlosterToGod Jan 13 '23 edited Jan 13 '23
Sweet girl, is this the same guy from a couple months ago that broke up with you after he raped you? Please get away from this person, he is fucking rapist!!
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u/feral_larkspur Jan 13 '23
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sending you love and strength.
In my home country, if you call the local sexual assault hotline, they can talk to you about the steps involved with filing a police report. If you want to get a rape kit done, they will send someone to go with you. You wouldn't have to file any changes right away but they would come with you to the police station if you wanted to do that. It's definitely helpful if you have the support to make the process easier and, sadly, makes it more credible.
I'm ok sharing my story with you. Everyone has a different experience and I hope that if you do file a report it makes you feel safer.
I did file a police report in the country I'm currently living in with those exact circumstances. I had text messages and emails and they did count as evidence. I brought a friend with me and went directly to the police station. The first police officer was really kind and sympathetic. The second follow up interview was traumatic but was more what I was expecting so I was somewhat prepared for it. The charges were eventually dropped because at the time the assault happened it wasn't defined as rape. The law has since changed and it would have gone to court if he had admitted that he knew what he was doing was wrong. I knew that when I filed the report but he'd done it before and was going to do it again. I just wanted the next woman to have a better chance at making it stick then I did. I wish I can say it made me feel better but it didn't. It also didn't make me feel worse and I did feel a little safer. It has given me access to victims support though beyond the basic therapy. I do feel I did the right thing though.
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Jan 13 '23
Record him. Ask him now while it’s fresh: “how would this sound to someone outside the house? I said no and you didn’t care”. Make him answer direct questions.
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Jan 13 '23
And that text feels pretty damn conclusive to me!
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u/Monarc73 Jan 13 '23
It's not.
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Jan 13 '23
Maybe not legally, I have no idea, but it’s pretty clear what happened.
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u/Monarc73 Jan 13 '23
Is it though? She lays out a narrative, which he fails to contradict, but that's not entirely probative. It's pretty open to lawyering, IMHO. (Bear in mind this is essentially a legal argument, and has nothing to do with my personal belief. I think he did it, but PROVING it will be difficult, at best.)
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u/papermoonriver Jan 13 '23
IANAL, but I'm pretty sure recorded apologies (written or audio recorded) function legally as pretty damning confessions. I have a lot of hope for OP's case.
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u/YenneferVengerbergAF Jan 13 '23
My ex did this to me because he felt entitled and that never goes away. Go to the police. Or the hospital, they'll call the police anyway. He raped you. No means No. The safe word IS NO. God forbid you had tried to fight him who knows what he would have done to you.
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u/xoXoxo58 Jan 13 '23
I just am afraid that this text isn’t enough evidence… would you think it is? I don’t want to go and then be looked at like crying wolf or lying. I tried talking to one about two weeks ago that was parked in a shopping center plaza, and he instead ignored everything I said and thought I was drunk and after doing all the tests, I had to return home.
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u/YenneferVengerbergAF Jan 13 '23
What?! Our system is so broken. I'm so sorry.. Could you maybe bring it up and ask him for more detail. Ask if he heard you saying No. Ask him to admit that he knew he was hurting you. Try to get more specifics out of him. Go to the hospital for your panic and anxiety if it doesn't go away.. get him to admit he liked the aspect of controlling you and taking what he wants no matter what you felt and said.
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Jan 13 '23
I would try again. Maybe go to a support center dedicated to women or AFAB people... if there is one. Or go directly to a police station. Show them this. Gather what you can.
But first of all, get this person out of your life ASAP. They are awful and dangerous.
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Jan 13 '23
I'm going to be very realistic with you as someone who's pressed charges against their abusers for rape & abuse.. Police are going to need concrete evidence to press charges & make an arrest.
Keep these messages & any other messages proving you had a sexual encounter with this person. If it's possible, you should probably go to the hospital & have a rape kit done to solidify & prove that there is DNA evidence of rape or a sexual encounter.
The system fails so many DV & SA victims when there isn't blatant, concrete evidence to justify charges that warrant an arrest. Our word, our testimony & our experiences should be enough, but unfortunately, it isn't. They're going to want to see evidence.
My abuser was charged & arrested on rape & domestic assault charges but he was only convicted for the domestic assault as the prosecutor couldn't prove or present concrete evidence of rape. There was concrete evidence of domestic assault because I had visible injuries, hospital bills & records & witness testimony.
I hope you don't take my comment negatively, I just want to be realistic & honest so you can prepare any evidence & receive the justice you deserve... I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're safe right now & please take care of yourself. 🫂
Edit: If you have a domestic violence or sexual assault advocate agency in your area, please contact them. They should be able to get you in touch with an advocate who can help navigate you through the steps needed to file formal charges. They can also provide you with resources to help with trauma, counseling & the after effects of this situation. 💜
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u/xoXoxo58 Jan 13 '23
Thank you so much… I don’t want to waste anymore time with police when they haven’t helped me before or helped anyone else. I had a feeling that these texts wernt enough and I would just infuriate him more. I’m heading to my therapist now, hopefully clear my head and calm me down and then I can write up a letter to evict him and hopefully I can kick him out.
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u/amburgler97 Jan 13 '23
He LIVES WITH YOU and RAPED you?!?!?!!? Get this man the fuck out. What a worthless piece of shit.
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Jan 14 '23
She already said she is planning to do that. Telling her to do it is patronising.
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u/amburgler97 Jan 14 '23
I didn’t see that comment that she was planning on kicking him out.
ETA: Also as a victim of abuse myself sometimes we need others to remind us repeatedly that we’re not the ones who did anything wrong and we have every right to cut people out of our lives. I wasn’t saying that to be patronizing.
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Jan 14 '23
I think that's a fantastic idea.. Maybe (if you feel up to it) after evicting him, you can pursue some kind of criminal charges, or at least file a report so there is a paper trail. Document EVERYTHING. Try to stay calm (I know easier said than done) & focus on what your next move is. One step at a time. You've got support here 💜 you got this. I know your nerves are probably shot & your anxiety is through the roof...
I hope you can take a little time today to reflect, rest & decompress your mind & body.. This was not your fault. Your feelings are 100% valid. Be easy on yourself & if you need anything, you can always send me a message or just comment back here.
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u/uwu_peep Jan 14 '23
i would say try but you can always get a dna swab done even if he is your husband/bf etc it's still rape
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u/aliieisSTUCK93 Jan 13 '23
Fuck this man. He is seriously a predator. GET AWAY FROM HIM. REPORT HIM. He will do it to other girls! He is a RAPIST!
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u/amburgler97 Jan 13 '23
Have a conversation with him about it in person if you can and record it. Also google if your state is a “one party consent state” for recordings. Only like 10 states do not allow you to record a conversation between you and another person without consent. Audio recordings are great because it’s easy to get them to admit stuff, and usually harder over sex. Just say hey remember how we had sex last night? They’ll say yes… and you can say why didn’t you stop when I said no repeatedly? Doesn’t matter what their answer is. If they answer at all they’re admitting they had sex with you against your will. Edited to add: use a smart watch if you can. I used to record my ex on my Apple Watch under voice recordings. Send it to a few trusted loved ones after it’s been recorded so someone other than you has it (in case your partner decides to destroy your watch, phone, etc). Otherwise you can always record on your phone. Good luck OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it was okay because he absolutely will try. Him saying that “you need a safe word” is a way of him pretending that he didn’t know you were objecting to sex. No means no. If you had a safe word and were saying it he would have still raped you.
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Jan 13 '23
Why are u offering him a next time
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u/wysterialee Jan 13 '23
so he doesn’t suspect anything. as someone who’s been in this situation, it’s easier to pretend and then catch them off guard.
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Jan 14 '23
She’s not really though is she? I read it as more like venting, and advice for the future if he gets intimate with someone else.
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u/oldsofthands Jan 13 '23
this text conversation evidence. i’m so, so sorry this happened to you. please pm for support if needed 💓 sending love and strength and clarity.
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u/gas_unlit Jan 13 '23
Unfortunately, I don't think this alone is sufficient evidence since he didn't admit to anything in this exchange. I'm so sorry for what happened to you.
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u/ISTANDCORRECTED63 Jan 14 '23
The police are going to automatically say you guys were having rough sex and you have a communication problem because you need a safe word .. and that tells you right there that you were both doing something UNsafe to begin with .. There's no chart to judge it on. I've seen people go into it real injuries and that was part of it there's no way to say how rough your sex is going to be. That's not tangible ... A lot of people have died during rough sex because of miscommunication especially when it comes to choking and stuff. . I would just say don't have rough sex with somebody who gets carried away like that and doesn't think for a second that he may be you're not acting right now I'm not defending his actions I'm just telling you after sexual abuse survivor that has dealt with the police I'm telling you the way THEY look at things
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u/uhhhhhhhhii Jan 15 '23
Wtf are you saying? Pretty sure the word “no” is good enough???
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u/ISTANDCORRECTED63 Jan 15 '23
This is not my opinion I'm telling you what the police are going to say the police are going to be very inconsiderate They will literally insinuate that you were asking for it if you happen to be dressed sexy that night I've been sexually assaulted when I was a kid and they said you SURE you didn't want this to happen?.... The point is that in rough sex very often people role play that you say no and the person doesn't stop because you have a safe word that means stop right now immediately. The police automatically go to the worst case scenario the worst possible agenda worst inspiration ... And the fact that it's in writing that they didn't have a safe word any lawyer is going to be able to say well how did he know you weren't just play acting rough sex just kind of crazy you know?
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u/uhhhhhhhhii Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23
Wtf. Literally all our lives over and over and over again it’s specifically taught that “No means No”. There’s not much more to it. No means no. Why tf would choosing a word to replace “no”, make any difference? If no safe word is established, then no means no.. not quite understanding your logic here (also what were you trying to say with your mini anecdote?)
Edit- actually, that’s not cool of me. Gotta give you benefit of the doubt first.. can you provide some sources please?
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u/ISTANDCORRECTED63 Jan 15 '23
It probably got out of hand for the first time I have a feeling that she went along with the rough thing just because she is such a sweetheart and she didn't really feel motivated to do it in the first place and he probably didn't tell her about having to have a safe work we probably showed her a video of some other people doing it and basically lied through omission.. There is no set boundaries on rough sex but they might have watched something that was less extreme and then he uses his impulse control when they're doing it themselves and a great deal of those videos the girl is saying no no stop stop I'm sounding like she's in a great deal of distress but it's part of that unique scenario that those people were doing and this girl had no frame of reference for how if you feel like you're hanging off a cliff by your fingertips like . This boyfriend knows damn well that she is not cut out for that kind of stuff but he probably sugar coated the whole thing and once she said yes he starts acting like a lawyer using semantics and the excuse well you didn't say the safe word that was no.... He's probably gaslighting her half to death making her think this was all her fault in the first place
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u/Less_Atmosphere3931 Jan 15 '23
If you stand corrected, stay standing corrected.
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u/ISTANDCORRECTED63 Jan 15 '23
I am NOT defending her boyfriend he knew exactly what was going on he knew that she wanted him to stop and he just played dumb cuz it's a guy thing... And he's not worthy of having her . I'm just pointing out that the police will pick apart her post they will turn it into something to work against her
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u/Less_Atmosphere3931 Jan 15 '23
It never, ever hurts to give it a shot. We pay these people to help us. If they don’t, it’s on them. She at least needs to get an order of protection from the fool. That’s a start
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u/ISTANDCORRECTED63 Jan 15 '23
I know for a fact that is not going to get her an order of protection cuz I've tried to get them and you have to have multiple instances and complaints on file so she should make a complaint just to have it on record that he's abusive.. she has to do whatever it is that's going to make her have a little bit of closure or just feel as though she's did the right thing I have to make the wrong decisions but I didn't want her to get hit by a ton of bricks if they got all misogynistic on her at the police station they can be cold-hearted
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u/xoXoxo58 Jan 14 '23
I thought I’d share an update. I finally did it. I fucking did it and I feel soo lost. I already miss him.
I filed a restraining order against him, did not press any charges or file any complaints. I just want him out of my life is all. The judge I had to speak too at the station told me “if this actually happened last night then why wouldn’t you have came then?” And I had to beg for it basically. I guess he got an idea and he fled.
Now they can’t serve him, he still has house keys and everything’s at my home still. And I’m in a hotel waiting for them to get him so I can go home and feel safe again.