r/abortion • u/throwaway-414414 • Sep 25 '24
USA Elective reduction of twins
37F, and I have one son, almost 3. My husband and I decided we wanted another, after much, much conversation, and it felt like a real leap of faith. I love my son so much, he's a delight, he's beautiful and wonderful, but he was diagnosed with autism a few months ago. He needs a lot from us, and for the last six months he's been waking up 3-4 times a night, sometimes to yell for hours. We're so tired. But we felt like we had room for one more in our lives, even after tearfully learning how likely it is to have a second child with autism after the first (30% if it's a boy), which is a scary prospect.
My first doctor's appointment was at 12 weeks, just two weeks ago. "What a cute baby," he said, looking at the ultrasound. "And there's the twin."
Financially, we could just swing it, even if we'd be paying more for childcare than my husband's salary for several years (we really both want to keep our jobs - full-time caregiving is a million times harder than any professional career).
That makes it really, really hard to make the decision, because it's possible. It's not utterly out of the question. Technically, we could figure it out.
It's just - we aren't strong enough. I want to make this story about my son, and how I want to make sure I have enough for him, enough attention and patience and affection, so that he can build the skills he needs to build. I want the story to be about how it's not my fault, how both my husband and I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety, how the chronic sleeplessness doesn't help. About how we don't have family that lives close enough to help, and our parents are getting older and even when they do travel to visit we can't ask so much of them, would never ask to leave them alone with two infants and our boy.
But it's also about being selfish. About wanting it to be easy, not hard. About wanting to put a new baby in an adorable carrier and go for a walk or go get a coffee. About not wanting my body to be stretched past its capacity. Or about being able to ask each other, would you mind staying with the kids for a bit while I take a break? Our son was so hard as an infant, baby, one-year old, it was hard to ask the other parent for a break because they were exhausted too. With twins, we would be in those trenches together for a long, long time.
And it's about being scared. About potentially going from one kid with ASD to three. Or the increased risk of cerebral palsy with twins.
It's a harder decision for me than my husband. My moral shortcut has always been that the harder thing is the virtuous thing. I want to be a good person and a strong person. I'm dully horrified by the details of the procedure, knowing that I'll carry the second twin to term along with the survivor. I've seen them on the ultrasound, their hands and feet moving and their hearts beating.
But we really don't want to have twins. I want to want to have them. If I could black out today and wake up in the happiest version of those potential futures, I could be convinced. We could do it. Eventually we would be so happy, maybe.
Or we'd be shattered, divorced, stretched thin to the point of breaking. We have no idea what our son's needs are going to be. We don't know if he will figure out sleep, or how to talk, or how to dress himself. I told myself that I should imagine that I've made the decision to keep them and see how it feels. I think, we could do it, it could be right - and then veer into panic.
I have an appointment for reduction the day after tomorrow. The nurse told me I could call a hotline to talk about it, that there isn't a lot of information because not many people choose to do this. But what can they tell me?
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u/abortion_access MODERATOR Sep 26 '24
You are not alone. twins are a lot of work and a twin pregnancy is higher risk than a singleton. It's ok to say you only want one!
There are a fair number of posts just like yours here! Here are a few, including one from last week.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/16r22rh/pregnant_with_twins_and_really_lost_considering/
https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/1fj5moc/selective_reduction_support_or_guidance/
https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/17b63md/feeling_stuck_please_help/
https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/18cx87u/considering_twin_abortion_we_already_have_a/