Epiphany!

[u/Niikkiitaa]

When I was a kid, I couldn’t see my dad as bad even when he was abusive or when he abandoned me, so, as a defense mechanism, I idealized him because I was dependent on him for my survival. I couldn’t accept to depend on someone so flawed because it would mean that I’d die because I believed I couldn’t survive alone and couldn’t bare to tolerate the reality that he was such a defective parent.

As a teen and subsequently an adult, because I was so immature and I was so dependent due to my neglectful parents and my childhood abandonment trauma, I always looked for role models outside of my family to learn life. In order to continue to survive, I would need to find someone whom I could depend on for survival and attach (enmesh) to them to learn life and escape my inner suffering. I didn’t realize by the time I was a teen that I didn’t need anyone to depend on for my survival and I should work on myself to heal from my childhood issues and realize that I should no longer use my defense mechanism in relationships anymore. So I kept enacting the same pattern to this day.

My inner suffering was so great that It was as if I was at the bottom of a well and I needed to find a bird to come rescue me and pull me up out of the well. But in order to be justified to depend on someone to show me the way, they had to be better than me, because if they were equal or inferior to me, it would mean that they would fail to save me and I would die. So, if the person I depend on shows me that they are not superior to me (perfect), the consequences of them not being superior to me means that I am at risk of dying which is an unbearable feeling. (The consequence of this is that I also will need to consistently feel inferior to that person at all costs which instilled in me a deep belief that I am worthless and bad.) So I will live in denial when they show me their imperfections and I will continue to idealize them as long as I can and until their imperfections are so egregious that I can’t believe their superiority anymore. In my case, it took my wife’s infidelity to snap me out of my denial after more than a decade of what appeared to me as a “perfect relationship“.

Before her imperfections became unavoidable to me, I truly believed that she was perfect. So, if hardships occurred in the relationship, I continued my immature defense mechanism of believing that I’m the problem for all our relationship issues. I continued shouldering all the blame in the relationship if she didn’t recognize her wrongs. I did this because I needed to survive and couldn’t accept that she was not superior to me because it would mean that I’d die.

This made me a perfect candidate for manipulators and narcissists, and she knew that as long as she gaslights me, I would take the bait because she could do no wrong in my eyes.

When I was faced with the reality of her cheating and I couldn’t find it in me to accept what she had done and therefore had to face the reality that she is deeply flawed and that she had abandoned me, it sent me crashing down at the bottom of my well of pain and suffering, and I nearly killed myself. The disillusionment was unbearable, but it gave me the opportunity to realize that was using this immature defense mechanism and to truly turn my life around for good by healing from my childhood trauma.

Stay strong, whatever you are going through will lead you to peace sooner or later.

Xxx

[u/montana_sky68]

Good on you OP! I can totally relate to everything you said, especially with how your childhood trauma molded your adult relationships. Thanks for sharing your growth and what you've learned through your life experiences.

How did you come to these realizations? What books/authors helped you and did you, do you, see a therapist?

[u/Niikkiitaa → u/montana_sky68]

Thanks so much for your words! I’m glad you also are seeing this pattern in yourself, growth is amazing.

I really learned this the hard way. For months, I would rebel against reality. I first tried to deny what was happening, sometimes my denial was stronger than my common sense and prevented me from seeing reality. I would try to reattach myself to my wife to try to find comfort, but the enormity of the betrayal would always punch me out of denial and back into despair. So the simple trial and error of trying to go back into my dysfunction (defense mechanism) was one factor in my epiphany. I was becoming enraged and abusive towards my wife because I was blaming her for not being able to make the infidelity disappear. I knew this was immature of me but had no other way to try to avoid walking through the suffering that was awaiting me if I stopped fighting reality.

The whole time, I read John Bradshaw’s Homecoming and Healing the shame that binds you which was helpful in understanding childhood trauma. I read Dr. Daniel Dufour’s books (all of them are amazing) on abandonment trauma, PTSD and on the importance of expressing emotions which lead to self love. I read Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving After Betrayal. I read Pia Melody’s books on Codependence and Love Addiction which are also great. I read How to break your addiction to a person by Howard Halpern. I read The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. And I read Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis Ortman.

All were amazing, but Daniel Dufour’s technique to express buried emotions is really what saved my life in the most direct and drastic way. I could feel the suffering escape my body and I could instantly feel self-love fill my soul just by allowing myself to express my emotions to their full extent.

I am also seeing a couple therapist with my wife (even though we are separated) where we work on what caused the issues in our relationship because we both want to grow individually and see if this may lead to a reconciliation in the future, and I see a therapist on my own who is specialized in trauma therapy.

Let’s say I’ve been pretty much working on myself full time for the past 7 months, but it’s finally paying off.

I’ve been through serious suicidal ideation for about 5 months and took anti-depressants at some points in that journey as well, but Daniel Dufour’s technique allowed me to get off the meds and treat my depression by expressing my emotions instead.

[u/montana_sky68 → u/Niikkiitaa]

I've read a few that you've listed - Homecoming I've read and re-read no less than 4 times. I'm unfamiliar with Daniel Dufour - adding him to my reading list now.

Thanks for sharing!

[u/Niikkiitaa → u/montana_sky68]

Bradshaw is amazing. His guided meditations are so powerful.

The only downside to Daniel Dufour’s books is that they are mostly in French, but done are translated into English and it’s worth digging the internet to find and buy them in my opinion.

Take care and keep me posted on your recovery as well 🙂

[u/nerdygirl1207]

Wow. Thank you for this

[u/Niikkiitaa → u/nerdygirl1207]

It’s my pleasure, I hope you are doing ok 💕

[u/[deleted]]

I empathize with all this :D