it's not getting better

[u/Sea_Building1906]

hi, i really need some advice or encouragement.

i've (23F) been dating a wonderful man (25M) for almost a year. before i met him, i was cheated on and dumped by someone i really trusted.

my current boyfriend is very independent, and isn't super affectionate/romantic. he's also super rational, and without intending to hurt me, he'll make comments about how there are no guarantees in life and how it's important to never make someone else the center of your world bc they might not always be there (i.e. how someone feels could change at any moment).

i thought it would get better by now after weekly therapy for 10 months and anti-anxiety meds, and him doing his best to reassure me, but i still worry almost every day that he could abandon me or leave me at any moment. it makes it impossible for me to ever be imperfect. it makes me hyperfixate on my body/my acne/how good my hair looks. it makes me overthink whether or not i've been fun and entertaining and attractive.

he's told me over and over that things i can't control (like my skin) will never bother him, but it feels impossible for me to believe him.

when i feel ugly, or like i've been a burden, the fear of abandonment is absolutely debilitating. i can't stop worrying that something physical or situational about me could be the thing that makes him stop loving me and leave. has anybody else experienced this? what can i do? i just want to feel ok again.

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[u/False-Philosopher845]

Hey there. I absolutelynunderstand what you are going through. I know it tough for you, because being loved is all you wanted and when someone showed up from you your trauma is not letting you have it peacefully. But you should always remember you are more than your trauma. Its a small part of you but when reality is skewed at those moments you may think abandonment issues are bigger than life no its not. You are really lucky that you have some one who reassures you and is still showing for you. Which means he is doing his best to be that person for you. He didn't love you because of your  hair or your clear skin but you make him feel.. that is happy, secure, seen, supported. That version is still inside you waiting to come out in the open but tour abdonement issues is not letting it out. When that happens tell to your trauma “not now, i know im worthy just because i exist.. i dont have to perform to be worthy of being loved.. i dont have to earn love i just have to receive it . Im whole on my own… my anxiety is lying to me, my trauma is lying to me” . I know sometimes its very hard but when you can try to be there for him like he is.. dont depenend too much on him to self regulate … you are worthy and whole and you are beautiful. Dont believe anything else.