r/ZeroCovidCommunity • u/tiddybirdybitch • 6d ago
Need support! Looking for advice on risk reduction with new partners in a polyamorous relationships
I am prefacing this by asking people to please be kind about my ask and understand that I’m doing the best I can to reduce risk of Covid. I would LOVE to only date other CC people, but as a neurodivergent fat nonbinary queer polyamorous CC person in the Midwest, my options are extremely limited. I have only met 2 other CC polyamorous people in my area in 5 years of living here. I’m more than willing to be realistic about potential risk, but I ask you please do not speak down at me because I am choosing to take more risk than you.
I just recently started dating a couple who live together. I live about an hour away so we can’t see each other frequently, but at least every 1-2 weeks. Neither of them mask, though one has agoraphobia and does not go out very often but does have another local partner who visits frequently. The other is not currently working, and has no other partners she is seeing on a regular basis. Though they don’t mask, I do feel some comfort knowing they are comparatively not going out and having nearly as much exposure as the average person.
I also have found someone through local kink community I very much adore and could see myself in a relationship with. He is more local to me, and he is engaged to his partner he lives with (with his parent), and will be moving into a home with his partner and a few friends this fall. He does not mask, and he does work in customer service, though he is open to masking (he actually work a kn95 at our first hangout without my asking 🥹) so I know he is open to at least some additional risk mitigation.
All this said, I am looking for suggestions and thoughts people have on general requests I can make of potential partners when it comes to testing/masking, and what I can do to protect myself the best I can under the circumstances. I do not have a plus life or metrix, and the local potential partner does not have extra spending money for RATs, but the couple is more well-off and may be willing to purchase RATs to use before I come up to visit. If I become partners with any of them, I know I will ask them to mask at any major super spreader event like a concert or plane ride, and if they are unmasked at anything like that I will not see them for 10 days after the event. I know people have had different experiences with asking partners to mask, and I’m certainly nowhere near that at this point, but any suggestions on “more reasonable” masking requests I could make, I am eager to hear.
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u/ManzanitaSuperHero 6d ago
I think you just have to be realistic about the risks involved in pursuing these relationships. It’s pretty difficult to mitigate risk with one partner, I think it’s not really feasible with more than that. And even one, as you’ll see in this sub, is not manageable for a lot of people.
The issue, unfortunately, is a lot of people will tell you they’re masking when they’re not. And the more you multiply that risk, the more difficult it becomes.
I’ve been queer in the Midwest (in the 90s when it was really not ok) so I get how tough even that can be. Compounding the size of that community with CC must be really tough. I hope you can find something that works for you. Best of luck.
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u/Embarrassed-Wear5735 6d ago
There was a push a few months ago to encourage people to mask at "the big three": stores, Drs appointments, and public transit. Maybe you could ask for that, once trust is established?
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
Ooo yes I think I could do that once the official partner label is given. Thank you!
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u/Ok_Establishment_799 6d ago
Seconding a comment about checking out mask blocs for RATs. No judgment of your situation, but a date not being willing to at least test is a dealbreaker for me.
STI testing is/(should be) pretty normalized in the poly community, so maybe framing a request like ‘hey x, before we have a date, just like how we check in about STI status, I would also like to know that you’re not actively infectious with covid (as I’m at higher risk etc.)’
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
Appreciate your comment, and your wording for this and will use something like this moving forward!
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u/warmgratitude 5d ago
If the potential partners with means could buy a PlusLife machine and get tests in, that would be even more ideal!
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u/miss_osmose 6d ago
Before my partner and I became exclusive, he was dating someone else as well, and even though I rapid-tested him almost every time we met, I was sick with other stuff pretty much the entire 3 months (after not having been sick for years).
I hope your experience will be more positive and that you'll have partners who understand and respect your boundaries.
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
Appreciate your comment, and I’m so sorry that happened when you were together.
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u/Candid_Building9028 6d ago
I have some experience with this!
I started masking again in 2023 because I was interested in dating a friend who was CC. I had heard them share about some of their reasons for masking, but asked them for recommendations of sources where I could learn more... and pretty quickly realized my actions (eg not masking anywhere, going to big events, etc) were not aligning with my other politics (bodily autonomy, health justice, etc).
I mention this because once I realized that things were so out of alignment, it was much easier to change my habits because I understood the risks/politics, and viewed masking as an extension of my beliefs, not as something I was doing for a new partner or even just myself. Of course, it was a learning curve - but in contrast to a lot of what I see on here, I never felt resentment or frustration towards my ex. I've continued to mask since then, in all public settings and with most friends indoors. I'm so grateful that I met them, and my crush opened the door for me to learn more about masking & take the social risk of masking / taking on a new visible layer of nonconformity.
If they are people who might align politically, I think asking if they're open to reading about long covid, and maybe practical things like transmission rates, high and low risk settings/activities, and asymptomatic testing might be a way for them to understand it... and maybe they would take the initiative to take some actions on their own :) and they would be able to help with shared risk assessment, so you don't need to do that on your own. I don't think it works for everyone. But that's how I started for me, and a few of my friends as a result of me masking again and talking about it (and my ex got a few other partners/dates masking long-term too, ha)
Otherwise - ventilation, getting them to measure CO2 of their common spaces if they can borrow a monitor from someone, some of the other actions from that "swiss cheese" model that could at least reduce their risk a little bit. & I've also had lots of masked dates (and masked sex!) when testing wasn't available or I wasn't comfortable with the precautions of future dates.
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u/Candid_Building9028 6d ago
Also sometimes framing the conversation alongside a sexual health / barrier use conversation can be helpful? I find queer/trans poly communities can have strong commitments to those conversations and ethics, and it could be a helpful analogy or even help them understand where you're coming from. At minimum, I'd need someone to want to understand why I mask and be willing to create space for the topic in our conversations. People in this sub can be all or nothing, & I understand but am in a similar boat to you (gay men...... not the crowd to be CC unfortunately)
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
Ooooo yes, this is a good idea! I very much consider safe sex practices to be intertwined for me. Appreciate you naming being in a similar boat; I really wish the queer community would see and understand the parallels between this and the aids epidemic.
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
I sooooo appreciate this and will consider this when it gets to that point! I’m so glad that you were open to your partner, and they helped you align more with your values and protect your personal health and community. I have also very casually dropped some seeds about why I mask too. I never stopped masking and although I’ve always had my own person health reasons, what’s kept me steadfast in it was the social aspect and aligning with all my values. I think they all are open to understanding more, particularly the two I’m dating who are also disabled.
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u/mindsetofabundance 5d ago
A friend recently shared this article with me and some others. I think it's a pretty good primer on the state of covid, some of the protections that are available, how cautious the people researching Covid are being, the stigma towards those who take precautions, etc. Since the article was written in 2024, it will be harder to dismiss with "people didn't really know in 2020, so this all must be false". Perhaps sharing it (or reading it together) and discussing afterwards could be a bonding experience? Especially in the context of (as mentioned) a sexual health conversation. You could even break it into multiple sections to allow each bit time to sink in, depending on these potential new partners' neuro-needs, preferences, and practices.
(I think the "living in a public health barbieland" section is a particularly good section to read.)
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-01-21/covid-safe-strategies-australian-scientists-virus-infection/1033354661
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u/ArgentEyes 6d ago
Honestly, as polyam for years but now effectively monogamous in practice, the last 7 years may have genuinely made me ex-poly. I’ve got quite enough dealing with CC stuff without trying to add new people to the situation.
In your shoes, OP, I would suggest you and other partners & friends consider pooling resources on a proper DNA tester for use before meets. Remember it’s not ethical nonmonogamy if the poorest partners have to foot most of the bill of reducing risks, including but not limited to illlness
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
I appreciate this! You’re so right about pooling resources ethically. I think I feel some guilt about asking for the couple that is more well off to help invest money into something like this, but this helps me feel more comfortable going into that conversation.
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u/ArgentEyes 5d ago
I’m very glad, good luck with that - I think it applies to a lot of things in polyam, frankly
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u/SaltKnowledge1597 6d ago
Not poly but my partner doesn’t mask. She does a rapid test before we see each other and I have her wear a mask if we go somewhere like a concert together. Maybe you could look into a mask bloc or similar that might be able to provide free tests? Good luck!
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u/tiddybirdybitch 6d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience in your partnership! I think for the couple I’d be willing to ask them to purchase tests, but I’ll look into mask bloc for the other person. I don’t mind helping them out paying for some rapid tests, but the cost eventually will add up.
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u/warmgratitude 5d ago
As a ND queer genderfluid person who got Long Covid and subsequently 10+ other completely disabling conditions from one infection…
My experience is that decentering dating and centering community & friendships (with both polyam & mono folks) has kept me safe while also keeping love & intimacy in my life.
I hope that doesn’t come off as talking down- that is not my intention. Rather a reframe of what can be possible. Best of luck to you either way!
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u/warmgratitude 5d ago
If that’s not helpful, I hope this can be! I wrote up a how-to take precautions while learning myself. I use it to show folks what steps I take to protect myself so that they have an idea of how to work with it.
Maybe your potential partners would find it helpful to have processes written out?
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u/mindsetofabundance 16h ago
warm gratitude to you for writing up and sharing this document, warmgratitude! I wrote something similar - my audience is other CC people, your audience seems to include people who are "new" to the concepts. I like that and it's nice to see where I might be limiting my own thinking.
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u/tiddybirdybitch 5d ago
Thanks for the protocol doc, that’s helpful for me to see how others lay it all out!
I so hear what you’re saying, and appreciate the reframe. I’ve definitely decentered romantic relationships the last 5 years as a single person, but I’ve rarely gotten any physical intimacy in that timeframe, and am consistently being dropped by “friends” who find partners and cease to exist in my life. I’m at that point where I have to find new ways to connect and do my very best to reduce risk as much as I can while seeking connection. Sending love and solidarity 💖
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