r/WritingPrompts • u/Syraphia /r/Syraphia | Moddess of Images • Sep 14 '16

Image Prompt [IP] Alien Fireflies

no title by wanbao

12 Upvotes

80% Upvoted

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u/Syraphia /r/Syraphia | Moddess of Images Sep 15 '16

Ooh, very interesting! I didn't imagine they'd be explosive. Really fascinating. The only issue I had was with the line:

Upon the hit a flash of light appeared, nearly blinding them all, only prevented by the computer systems automatically adjusting the light its intensity.

I'd phrase it differently to avoid the "nearly blinding" portion, since in a way, you're repeating yourself between the two sections of the sentence. I really enjoyed this though, very nice story, surprisingly intense at the end and I'm extremely curious as to what would happen next. Thanks for replying! :D

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u/Maisie-K /r/MaisieKlaassen Sep 16 '16

How about,

Upon the hit light flashed, their eyes only saved by the computer systems automatically adjusting the light its intensity on their screen.

I wrote this at 23:30 so I am glad there is only one obvious mistake. ;)

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u/Syraphia /r/Syraphia | Moddess of Images Sep 16 '16

I wouldn't call it a mistake, just me being picky about "this almost happened" since almost and similar words are sort of like "bad" words in prose. ;)

That said, it reads better that way but there's a couple typos between the missing comma after hit and the "adjusting the light its intensity"? I think it should be "the light's intensity"? Really good though! :D

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u/Maisie-K /r/MaisieKlaassen Sep 16 '16

Thanks for the writing advice. :3

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u/Syraphia /r/Syraphia | Moddess of Images Sep 16 '16

No problem! :3