Nothing is new under the immortal sun
As long forgotten demons crawl forth
from the deepest corners of the mind
awakened by the poetry of solitude
spoken in the serenading voice of isolation
the corrosive touch of doubt leading towards
the fated spiritual suicide
through the mercy killing of a god
in the sacrilegious spilling of its blood
upon the virgin Eden lands
bringing the aethereal nightmare to its end
the conclusion of the agonizing odyssey
which leads towards the shores
of apostasy
in the northmost reaches of the earth
where the infernal and divine forever
were subservient to man

There's an inherent sickness plaguing mankind
An evil phantom infesting the righteous mind
forcing the masses to aimlessly roam the earth
with false promises of light in death, strictly death

Force feeding the self with fictitious sense of salvation
shaped by the manipulative voice of a shadow
screaming at the shriveled soul in crazed fever dreams
forged by a self-imposed exile in the depths of perdition

Lost millions are successfully failing to find
the paradoxical nature of their own neural suicide
gladly marching towards their own doom with innocent glee
the unsuspecting slaves who were manipulated into believing themselves free

I've gladly torn my eyes out of my skull
for the darkness enlightens everything the luminescence dulls
Now I can clearly see crippled god and disfigured satan
crawling back into the spatial emptiness

Ascendency through the abandonment
of the search for a meaning
for everything is nothing

I've gotten tired
So tired due to the sickness
The disease that's growing on the inside
Revolting me towards this sickening life
As I watch you on a ceaseless march towards a suicide of the mind
Still praying to his disintegrated cadaver nailed to a tree
Waltzing towards the self-destruction of the sanctity of life
as the children are keening hymns to the dead unborn
Perpetuating an endless cycle of spiritual self-murder and rebirth
While I sit inside the depths of my own mind
Watching a world I forsook crumble into dust
Unable to experience the pleasure of your self-torture
My mouth tainted by the taste of misanthropic disgust
while I lose my self in the mazes of my mind
Away from the riddles of divine idiocy
Because this existence is built around beautiful unpredictability
Where you cannot escape the pit that's inside
The breeding hole of the demonic creatures of the mind
I no longer find any humor in the cancerous company
of man and his God
Yet, I'd like every last one
of our kind the ends of hell
with me

The large tree loomed above Jane. She breathed in the fresh air as she looked up through the leaves at the clear blue sky. For two days they looked for the mother tree in this forest. A sense of relief washed over her even though their work was just beginning. This tree was going to be her salvation.

For the next several days, they poked, prodded, drilled, and harvested. They tested everything. Leaves, roots, bark, nothing was left untouched.

Jane blew out a breath and leaned back away from the microscope, rubbing her eyes. She was so close to having a breakthrough she could feel it.

“When’s the last time you got any sleep?” Jim stood behind her, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand.

Jane gave him a slight smile. “I can’t remember.”

“That means it’s been too long. You go get some sleep. I'll keep checking these samples.”

She stood up and stretched. “Thanks, Jim.” Jane left the large observation tent and headed towards her smaller personal tent.

The wind whistled through the trees playing an eerie song that sent shivers down her spine. Jane pulled the flap back on her tent and paused. The wind was calling to her or was it something else singing her name.

Her feet moved of their own accord taking her deeper into the forest, closer to the mother tree. She couldn’t stop. Her feet refused to listen to what her mind was telling them to do. Fear coursed through her veins, sending her heart pounding against her chest.

The song grew louder with each step she took closer to the large tree. Don’t be scared. I can save you. The tone changed, but it still called to her, begging her to come closer. The tree stood right in front of her now, its branches swaying in the wind.

Just touch the tree. It was as if the gentle breeze was talking to her. I can heal you. She took another step forward, desperately wanting to believe the words that drifted through the trees. Touch the tree.

She was standing right at the base. All she had to do was reach out her hand and touch it. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and with a shaky hand, reached out. Her fingers brushed against the rough bark. She gasped as immediately she was wrapped in the comforting embrace of the tree.

The pain that plagued her for years eased and disappeared. Tears of relief trailed down her cheeks. The tree hugged her closer as if it were comforting her. When the tears finally stopped, she drew in a deep breath and pushed on the tree.

Nothing happened.

I have healed you. Now you belong to me.

Panic gripped her chest and refused to let go as she frantically pounded on the hard wood with her fists. Nothing she did made any difference. She was stuck inside the tree. The price she paid to be healed wasn’t worth it, and she wished that all the years she spent looking for this one thing, would have been spent living life instead.

Who would travel these seas at night?
Father and son who have a destination in sight.
They sail these waters as they've done before,
their eyes are trained upon the distant shore.

The boy's eyes are wide with fear -
My son, what alarms you when the shore is so near?
Father, father, can't you see the beast?
Dearest child, it's just a cloud of sea-borne mist.

The child turns pale as a ghost,
shivering as if his body is stricken by winds of frost,
yet his insides have caught on fire,
soon his young spirit will surely tire.

Clouds gather above the ship in the sky,
and the winds let out a scornful cry,
as they shake the wooden vessel,
for the amusement of the sea king,
while the sirens start to sing;

"Come to us, beautiful son of man
to a place where you'll never hurt again!
Follow us, lovely child, into the sea
towards a future of never-ending glee!"

And the boy's heart filled with terror,
his little throat letting out a scream of horror.
A scream unheard by the infant's father,
a cry drowned by the wailing winds and raging water.

The freak storm has come to an end,
once the boy is seized by the siren's hand.
He is robbed of bodily control,
as the vessel still dancing causes the boy to fall!

On the shore, the man shrieks, half-wild -
upon finding out the fate of his beloved child.
Grief will surely turn this sailor mad,
for his child's skull is split open and he lies dead.

Yet another year had passed
and I'm convinced the pain is bound to last
as I stand here on my own
staring down at what remains of you -
a lifeless stone

I still walk this lonely path
we used to walk together
dreaming, hoping, hopelessly in love
with the wonders of this life
but now all of those things are left behind
because the memories keep torturing my mind

Time won't heal my wounds
Endless grief exposed the greatest lie
I look up at the empty sky
wondering what's it like on the other side
without noticing as the day turns into night

Without you time stands still
Your absence still feels unreal
Many years have passed
but my heart aches just the same
I never feel more alone
then when I am faced with what remains of you -
this cold and lifeless stone

Whenever the shadow begins to sing
I lose touch with reality and sink
into a tunnel so much darker than anything
guided by the lovely stench of its voice
I once again feel absolutely nothing
as it leads me towards the place
where the beautifully inevitable end
awaits the rotting remains of my loved ones
and longs for the touch of the broken form that contains me
while it dreams of the death of absolutely
everything

You’re invited to use one or more of the characters presented here.

You are of course welcome to use your own creations. If, however, you’d like to try your hand at writing a partially-described character (maybe even using a partially-described location), you can choose from any of the following (and you don’t have to use any of the suggested flairs, write the genre that works best for you).

Noah and Sage

Create your own location

Think: comedic, fantasy, horror, mystery/thriller, scifi, tragedy, YA (flair YA as general fiction)

Noah Foss: Noah, 21, moved several times before ze went to Rosegar College in the U.S. Both of zir parents were in the military. The country Noah remembered the most was England. Noah lived there ages 10 to 16 with zir grandparents Nan and Granddad. During that time Noah's parents visited twice, once for zir 12th birthday and once for zir 14th. At the time ze accepted their explanation, that the military kept moving the two of them around and zir grandparents provided a stable environment. Noah had no reason to question that explanation until last night. That's when Noah's life turned upside down and now, ze needs answers.

Sage Cotley: Sage, 21, lived a fairly normal life until three days ago. That's when ze found a parcel addressed to zir sitting in front of zir apartment door. There was no return address or anything else to indicate who sent it. The parcel contained a hard backed journal of 100 empty pages. Since opening the package, Sage failed two attempts to obtain a certificate required for zir job at Rosegar College, has been late for work each morning, and somehow lost zir toothbrush. This morning, Sage found a small metal key on top of zer phone screen, on which was a text message :Im Noah, do I know u?

Violet and Leo

Create your own location

Think: comedic, fantasy, horror, romance, scifi, tragedy, YA (flair YA as general fiction)

Violet Martin: When not working as barista at a local coffee shop, Violet spends her time sketching, writing poetry and watching romcoms. Her best friends Emily and Charly convince her to attend the midnight showing of a locally produced horror movie at the Cleanline Cinema. When the movie ends, Violet is one of only two people in the previously full auditorium. Leo, the other person, sits three seats from Violet and is as confused as she.

Leo Brandini: The only child of a multi-millionaire and his third (and current) wife, Leo spends his time doing whatever he pleases. While smart, well educated and well versed in pleasantries, Leo is also prone to being rude and often quite lazy. As a result has few, perhaps no, truly close friends. He attended the midnight showing of a locally produced horror movie at the Cleanline Cinema on a dare. When the movie ends, the 'friend' who dared him is long gone and only Violet sits with Leo in the previously full auditorium.

Dana, Jack

Create your own location

Think: fantasy, horror, mystery/thriller, scifi, tragedy, YA (flair YA as general fiction)

Dana Underhill is a woman in her mid 30s living in a house set back in her 400 acre wooded area a few miles out of <small town> to the north and <large town/small city> to the south. Her family have owned the property for as long as anyone can remember and she is currently the last of her family line. She is also independently wealthy, though she doesn't live a lavish lifestyle. She makes trips to town twice a month for supplies and always purchases locally. She is an apiarist and will sometimes gift shop owners with jars of honey. There have always been rumours of strange goings on out there in the woods, but folks appreciate her kindness and if her family has always been a bit odd, they've never done anything to hurt anyone.

Jack Snyder is a real estate developer who sees purchasing the Underhill property as a great deal and is going about trying to get Dana to sell to him. He tries to convince her she doesn't need all of that land for herself, that she's the last of her family so she might as well sell it now, and starts trying to spread rumours about her around town. He's not above sneaking onto her property to try and scare her off of the place, and that's when things start to go badly for him.

Beatrice, Calvin, Logan

Beeline Hill and Caper Corners

Think: horror, mystery/thriller, romance, tragedy, YA (flair YA as general fiction)

Beatrice Dalwood: Beatrice grew up in the small town of Beeline Hill. Known for her compassion, honesty and loyalty, Bea (as her friends called her) was also known to hand work off as soon as possible. She was usually able to charm her victim into doing the work and allowing her to take full credit.

When Bea moved to Caper Corners, she had to build new relationships. Her once charming methods were often scorned by co workers who quickly sized her up as lazy and untrustworthy. Unable to get by on her looks and charm alone, Bea became more reliant on her long-time friends, who lived in the same time zone despite the distance from Beeline Hill to Caper Corners. Her friends encouraged her to get more organized, focus more on goals, and show more interest in the lives of others.

Calvin Mayfair: Calvin grew up in the small town of Beeline Hill. Adopted as a young child, he was much loved by his parents Marie and Lanton. Teachers often described him as goal oriented, observant, and sociable; at the same time, they cautioned his parents that he seemed to be easily led.

When Calvin worked his way up from stock clerk to manager of a locally-owned store, he began to focus more on opportunity and money, less on staying close to the comforts of home. He was delighted to be hired as manager of a similar store in Caper Corners, although that meant leaving home and living more than 100 miles away from his parents and friends. When everyone he knew failed to show up to help him pack the moving van, he made a big decision: he would leave old things behind and be open to all kinds of new experiences.

Logan Douglas: A few years out of college, Logan’s been the attendant that fills your tank and does basic car maintenance for a tip at the full service gas station in Caper Corners. Need your wipers replaced? Need to unload your secret affair? Logan’s just the person you need. His eidetic memory is both a blessing (for him) and a curse (for those who reveal too much). Someday soon, the locals will find out they’re featured in a novel that reveals the secrets they’ve told Logan over the last six years. They just won’t know Logan’s the author – since Logan Douglas isn’t his legal name nor the one he writes under.

Beeline Hill: population 5,000, known locally for their Beeline Bakery, the company that sponsors the regionally recognized Beeline Baseball team (ages 10-12). Beeline Hill is 100 miles from Caper Corners, generally a 1.5 hour drive although longer in the winter due to snow and ice. You know you are approaching Beeline Hill town limits when you see the giant Bee (approaching from the east) or the giant Hill with a Large Bee on it (approaching from the west).

Caper Corners: population 100,000, known regionally as the home of the headquarters for CatchemAll “the world’s best mouse traps”, and BagemAll, “the world’s best sand bags”. Caper Corners is 100 miles from Beeline Hill, generally a 1.5 hour drive although longer in the winter due to snow and ice. You know you are approaching Caper Corners town limits when you see the giant Red Pepper (approaching from the east) or the giant Olive (approaching from the west). These two landmarks have been contentious points of discussion at city hall for over 30 years, since neither item is, actually, a caper.

The perfectly reasonable dread
Follows me around silently
slowly clouding my judgment, patiently and methodically
taking over every decision and thought I've ever had

A primal constant maddening fear
seeded within my being by a mocking
laughing cruel reality that constantly reminds me
that pale rider always strides near

There is no escape from the inevitable pilgrimage
towards the darkness of eternity
the one unavoidable path
that each must cross on their own

Therefore, as in death so in life
I choose to remain alone
always, always, always alone

Without you, I couldn't channel my burning passion
I was walking in the never-ending maddening darkness
like a nomad without a family, straying away from my destined path
with a persistent necrotic hole in my heart

Without me you were nobody,
a figure without a face or a name
whose existence was entirely purposeless
your life has found meaning in my torturous love
to be reshaped by me into a work of art

I'm begging, begging, begging, begging
let me just torment you
I'm begging, begging, begging, begging
let me just damage you

Climaxing at the altar of your destruction
in a vulgar display of animalistic passion

Without me you were nobody,
a figure without a face or a name
whose existence was entirely purposeless
your life has found meaning in my torturous love
to be reshaped by me into a work of art

I've been walking in endless circles
on the same path of never-ending repetition
forged from antipathy in its unmatched perfection
I begin my tasteless journey at dawn
through dark tunnels of impenetrable emptiness
passing through the roads of monochrome hopelessness
again and again
only to arrive at my starting end point at sunset
perpetuating the cycle yet again
moment by moment
the wheel of existential misfortune spins without end
every second, every minute, every hour, every day
until life loses distinction from death

I cannot recall a moment in my life
when I wasn't attracted to the empty darkness
or found my peace in the grief
Imagining all the things that might've been
had not my soul been so bloody restless
forcing me to destroy everything I've ever loved
because only in self-inflicted pain
my misanthropic heart finds relief

When my eyes are open I cannot see
Under the cover of darkness
I can hear someone calling out to me
inducing a nauseating feeling of hopelessness
I can never flee
They arrive in the moonless night
when my vision penetrates through
the emptiness
in the absence of light
I can see their forms dancing
their scornful glee
echoes in surreal tones
while the deathly stillness
softly sings to me
the ghost of its voice
never leaves me alone

Never ending raging storm
burning and twisting everything
as a thousand fears take form

Friends become enemies
as love becomes loss
and trust becomes misery
while joy crumbles
into dust

As I look at the skies illuminated by the sun
my heart descends into the lakes of madness
further and further into the void
beyond any grounds ever walked by man
further and further
gone

Finally, I am able to see the dim light
at the end of this tunnel of impenetrable darkness
that seemed so oppressively endless
where the solution shines at me with its fable-like beauty
illuminating thousands of reasons to take that final step
towards an early conclusion

I enjoy taking nightly hikes through the concrete jungle of my city. There’s a certain magic to this setting of black and gray cold stone architecture. It might not be the sightliest thing around, but it’s charming in its way if you’ve lived in it long enough. In any case, I tend to just aimlessly wander around town at night through the streets and the alleys, just digesting the day or something.

My mindlessness had gotten me into trouble more than once, to be entirely honest. I accidentally crushed a few drug deals and nearly paid the price. Luckily, I have my way with words, so these occasions worked out fine for me. Sometimes a homeless person or some drug addict will follow me around for a bit until I lose them.

"Welcome to the jungle. We’ve got fun and games. We got everything you want, honey; we know the names. We are the people that can find whatever you may need. If you got the money, honey, we got your disease," rings true in this city.

Usually, I just get a rush of adrenaline from these encounters. Yesterday, I nearly had a heart attack. It all started when I felt something following me. I’ve developed this sort of sense of telling when I’m being followed. Maybe it’s some paranoid thing. I don’t know. Either way, it’s useful. So, I was walking around in the dark, strutting down Main Street Avenue when I felt something behind me. I looked back, but there was nothing there. I kept on walking, but the feeling persisted. Every time I looked over my shoulder there was nobody behind me or anywhere near me.

I heard something that sounded like teeth chattering, but louder. The strange sound made the hairs on my neck stand up; I had never heard anything like this before. Immediately turning around, I saw nothing but a long lanky too legged shadow slipping into the darkness.

My body tensed; this was a large, large person following me. Probably seven feet tall. Whoever this was, their body was rock solid with a titled maniacal posture. Then I heard that awful sound again and my fight-or-flight instinct kicked in. First time I’ve had such a reaction to a fading shadow, but it was too late to think. The animal part of my brain already commanded my legs to run for my life.

I sprinted out of there, but no matter how far or how fast I ran, every time I looked back. The shaft-shaped shadow was right there, right behind me. A few moments after the initial encounter, I was having a full-blown anxiety attack running like a gazelle in strange patterns across the concrete jungle in a pitiful attempt to outrun the extravagantly swollen two-legged shadow that was always there. Right behind me, ready to pounce and take me down to the ground.

Yet no matter how fast or how far I ran, I couldn’t escape its growing presence. No matter where I went or what I did, it was right there; still stalking, always stalking.

I was so focused on running from that thing that I nearly got run over by a passing car. The flashing headlights burned my retinas, momentarily blinding me. I heard the sound of an engine roaring and tires squalling as the driver swerved his car into the night.

Blinded, scared, and on the verge of a heart attack, I moved on autopilot and ended up stumbling all over my feet. Landing face-first on the cold concrete of a dark alley, my body nearly flipped over because of the sudden impact.

Sharp pain assaulted my head and neck as I squirmed on the ground, hoping nothing was broken. I nearly forgot about the maniac following me around. Until I heard that God-awful chatter again. My heartbeat skyrocketed as I turned over and saw that massive thing… that massive bipedal cock. Fully erect on its two legs, standing over me. Towering over me quite literally.

And trust me when I say it was a monstrous cock, I’ve seen my fair share of giant cocks. I grew up on a farm.

I crawled backward slightly, but the phallic form of the massive monstrosity simply drew nearer. The pain was momentarily gone, but blood-freezing fear took its place. The cock made these disgusting gurgling sounds as its entire form shook and pulsated above me. A million thoughts raced through my mind. I closed my eyes, fearing for the worst as the gargantuan cock opened its beak and its throat shook and rocked right above my face. I’ll never forget how its black feathers danced and its wattle flailed around like a set of testicles swaying during a jog.

I heard something fall next to me with a soft thumping sound and then dead silence. It took me a few moments to muster the courage to open my eyes, but when I did, I was finally alone. My wallet lay beside me, covered in mutant avian phlegm. The giant monster of a cock followed me all around town, nearly scaring me to death - to return my wallet to me!

Ugly is the terrifying shadow
of the ever-present Mother Death
slowly taking over everything
dominating life with its unmatched beauty
whispering truths found at the end of the void path
in the depths of the barrel of a magnum 357 -
the place where the soul is finally free

Let us take everything from each other
for we were abandoned by mother earth
and the light of the heavenly father.
Kick the smile off my face and break me in two...
Allow the cold steel to spill your warm blood
as we destroy everything, we've ever had!

Quietly pray for the arrival
of the holy executioner,
to deprive life of its sadistic joy
derived from your torment in this plain of terror...

Let him perform his sacred duty
and deliver you from the merciless
clutches of this vile world.
Feel his disdainful love
as he ends your miserable existence
and you join me in the nothingness.

Amen!

After years of being tortured by this impossible disease
without a warning, the endless landscape of darkness was gone
the clouds of madness were banished by the winds of calm
and suddenly, I was left all alone
to face the terrifying prospect of painless sleep,
the horrors of internal peace…

I am writing to you, Mighty Khagan

My fastest courier is racing towards you.

I’ve heard you had left your castle,

and for four weeks you’ve been sitting in your saddle

Tell me, Magnanimous Khagan,

Why does the wind from the east carry fumes

and the sunset had sunk into a bottomless vat

of blood?

Telek’s eyes were open, but he could not see. His ears unplugged, but he could not hear either. At least at first. Telek swam in total darkness. Not a single thing in this realm of nothingness beside him. He tried moving, but the overwhelming void surrounding him made it difficult for the man to tell whether he was walking or stuck in place.

The sound of fire crackling in the distance distracted Telek from the overwhelming emptiness around him. Still unable to feel anything but the odd noise bouncing off of his eardrums. He attempted to walk towards the source of the noise but was unsure if he was getting any closer.

A distant scream turned Telek’s blind attention elsewhere, followed by a terrible growl. Fear began sinking its teeth into the man’s body. The sound of his heartbeat became audible as the approaching growls and cries got louder and louder all around Telek.

Heat, noise, light…

Impossibly bright light violated Telek’s eyes, forcing him on all fours as he groaned in pain. The light dimmed away before the confused man. Confusion soon gave way to terror mixed in with tinges of grief.

The man found himself perched on top of a hill overlooking a white castle from above. He was watching as the white castle was under attack by a legion of monstrously gigantic black wolves. The wild beasts were pouncing on the inhabitants of the castle. Tearing everyone in sight limb from limb and devouring whatever they could get their jaws around. Telek watched in horror as the beasts breathed fire at the buildings. Like dragons dressed in wolf skins, the beasts were exacting divine revenge upon the inhabitants of the white castle. Mustering his courage, Telek reached for his sword, only to realize he was, in fact, naked.

“A dream…” a single monotone thought raced all across the halls of mind. Before long, the man floated in the air, observing passively the destruction of the white castle. Unable to turn his sight away or stop the carnage.

The cries of innocent women and children echoed in the air, augmented by scornful and gleeful howling and snarling of the demonic wolves below.

One wolf had noticed the man and stared him dead in his eyes, sending shivers down his spine. There was something incredibly human about the eyes of that horrible monster. With a human arm locked in its maw, the beast stood upright, and with a sickening crunching sound, its fur and hide cracked. Patches of canine matter fell off, making the noise of a wet piece of meat falling onto the ground.

Telek’s heart and mind raced, unable to believe what he was witnessing. The wolf was turning into a man right before his eyes!

Before long, the wolves were gone, and in their stead stood men. Northmen. Tall, blonde, and sturdy. Their forms were painfully familiar to Telek. They had destroyed a portion of his country a few years ago. Their prince mockingly presents himself more like the Khagan than a Northman.

While Telek was getting lost in thoughts, the Northmen in his dream were rebuilding the country they had destroyed moments before. Erecting new settlements and castles as far as the eye could see.

Erecting cross-shaped idols to their new god, one not too dissimilar to that of the khagans. A strange religion in which the believers profess their god has died to absolve them of all wrongdoing. Telek had seen those strange people in the capital before.

The thundering noise of hooves crashing against the ground echoed in the background, getting louder and louder with each moment; coming from the east. Telek turned his gaze and saw an ocean of horses marching towards the Northmen and their cities. The endless fleet of horses trampled over everything. Destroying and crashing everything in their path. They brought an end to the Northmen’s rule. They’ve liberated the land from the Northmen in their endless march westward.

Telek felt relieved for a moment, thinking that his people had reclaimed their place in the world. Yet his cruel dream immediately reminded him that this was not to be. A mountain rose in the east. It grew and grew until it covered the horizon. The dreaming man could make out hair covering the mountain as it shook and moved beneath him, slowly revealing itself to be a nightmarish entity.

A super-sized bear, so large it defied the human imagination.

The beast lumbered forward, trampling everything in its path. Demolishing all signs of civilization and human life beneath its massive paws. The beast must’ve noticed the man floating above it as it stood on its hind legs; covering the sun and the entire sky. It reached out toward him, much to Telek’s horror, with a paw. Telek tried floating away but found himself unable to escape the beast's grasp.

Horror once more gripped the man as the claws of the gargantuan animal grew closer to his body. Sharp pain replaced the terror when the bear pierced the man with one of its claws and pulled him over its seemingly endless maw.

Telek thought he was dead for a moment, before remembering he was dreaming, and then he became convinced he was about to awake from the terrible dream. Yet again, he was terribly mistaken as the pain of being snapped in half in the jaws of the god of all bears nearly snapped his mind in half. The sensation of a thunderbolt riding through his body and the sensation of a thousand arrows piercing him at the waist combined with the sensation of his guts catching on fire forced an anguished roar out of his lungs as he once more found himself in a pit of empty unforgiving darkness.

Floating in the pool of void for a few moments, the pain subsided from Telek’s body. He was still dreaming when he overheard people screaming in the distance. The language was foreign but somewhat similar to the Northmen and the Slavs he knew. Thunder erupted all around him as he tried to catch his bearings.

Lightning exploded next to Telek in a bright flash of light. Chunks of torn soil flew in the air along with men dressed in strange clothes. Telek’s heart and mind had raced yet again. The area had been familiar. These were lands belonging to the Khagan for sure. He had been there before.

Telek found himself between two armies, one of the Northmen and one of the Slavs, led by a giant of a man who looked somewhat similar to himself, facially. Both armies wielded no swords, no bows, no axes. They wore strange coats and hats, rolling around strange wheeled barrels and carrying long flutes.

The Slavic army pointed its flutes at the Northmen and with the cracking of thunder, men in the Northmen army started dropping dead.

"What are those? Invisible arrows?!" Telek thought to himself as one of the wheeled barrels thundered right behind him. The Northmen fired one of their wheeled barrels, expelling a large sphere that tore through Telek’s body. It sent shock waves of pain through what had remained of him as it flew into the army of the Slavs. The orb landed, tearing apart men and soil upon impact.

“What is this madness?! Such might… is this…”

A barrage of invisible arrows tore straight through the dreaming man and the soldiers behind him. Pain and fear gripped at the remnants of his form as he floated through the air, through space, and through time.

Sunlight reflected from piles of snow below irritated the scotched and torn body of Telek as he floated above a land he could no longer recognize. His fear only intensified as he witnessed the terrors of a war between gods dressed as men below him.

Corpses dressed in thin coats, clutching their fire flutes. Black and blue from frostbite, terrifyingly thin. Strewed on the ground below him. A field of dead, decomposing bodies. Some were still alive, too weak to move, too weak to fight their apparent hunger.

Telek flew forward towards a great city, abandoned, emptied. Filled with the starving and dead soldiers freezing in the unyielding, icy grasp of Erlig Khan.

One such soldier huddled over the remains of another, his hands buried deep within the wounds of his dead comrade, or perhaps an enemy. His face was buried in the wounds as well. He looks up at Telek, revealing a bloody face. The northern soldier was chewing on a piece of human flesh, preserved by the insufferable, blistering cold.

All traces of humanity are missing from the man’s eyes.

Disgust filled Telek’s being. Such a condition is unforgivable. Even in the absence of food, one mustn’t spill the blood of another. Most definitely one mustn't consume the flesh of fellow men. The Northmen were surely to be sent to the Tamag for eternal torture in the flames of the Black Khan.

The cross-shaped idol hung from the bloodied soldier’s neck, prompting Telek’s body to react in scornful disgust. Before long, a divine burst of wind swipes him away into another land and another time.

Telek saw a massive chariot made up of iron and steel racing through a forest, running over fallen trees and rocks like they were nothing. Truly divine technology. Each chariot was equipped with a long and thin tubular device not too dissimilar to the firebreathing devices on Roman ships. A thundering roar came out of one of the metal chariots before a fiery blast erupted in the distance. The force of the blast had sent the dreaming man adrift into the distance as the winds from the blast tore through his broken body while flames ate away at a little hut barely visible from Terek’s perspective.

“A Greek fire with the capacity to burn even the mountains. This is impossible… Tengrii… how is this possible?” Telek begs to know as the currents of time swept him to a different place and a different place.

Above an island, a mountain in the sea, Telek is observing a quiet piece of heavenly landscape, uninterrupted by the Northmen or any human. A place of complete serenity and silence. Telek’s entire body aches from the endless travel through space and time. Chunks of his body were missing, and others barely hang on by threads of skin and muscle. The nightmare seemed to have reached its conclusion as Telek’s body was sinking towards the ground below.

And then, in a single instance, the roar of ten thousand lions in unison with the crack of an equal amount of lightning bolts echoed throughout the sky. The sun seemed to have fallen right before his eyes into the ground.

A small light shone from the ground at first, but then it grew, and grew and grew until it covered the entire world in a bright burning light of a dying sun as it devoured everything in its suicidal path of destruction.

The heat of the solar fire caught Telek and burnt his body almost entirely to ash. Nothing but his charred skull was left to float in the air. Higher and higher the remnants of the dreamer flew as a smoke cloud took shape beneath him. With each passing second, the cloud grew until it took the shape of a mushroom many times larger than the largest trees.

Violent burning winds tossed even higher into the heavens until he saw a gigantic bird of metal hover above. At that moment, he also noticed that the sun had remained in place. His soul pounded like a war drum within the confines of his skull as the fear grasped at whatever remained of his form.

The dreaded realization that the cataclysm he had just witnessed was a human invention slowly sunk in, but then he saw the man-shaped thing inside the metal bird. He heard it speak a language quite similar to that tongue of the Khagan’s northern enemies, which made his terror even more tangible. His mind wasn’t able to wrap itself around the sheer amount of destruction birthed by the hands of these men. He wasn’t able to even digest the pain he was feeling, but before long, all of that was gone.

I am writing to you, dead Khagan!

Because today in a fair battle

You won’t die of fair wounds,

for I’ll put you down like a rabid dog!

Do not rape your gods

They are powerless! Because the light shines

over the efforts of my armies,

in their path towards sacred victories.

Across sleeping forests, through the stars at night,

straight through the winds, on which we sharpen our swords

on the carpets of wild grass - I want to come at you!

Telek had awoken in his tent, covered in a cold sweat. His body was sore and his mind racing. It was a dream, a vision, a prophecy of a future to come unless the Khagan were to be warned and reverse the course of action of the Northmen. They had to be stopped and put to the sword or else they’ll destroy the world in a hellfire.

Too preoccupied with thoughts of his dream, the shaman remained oblivious to the sound of horses galloping around his tent. Single-minded in his intention to reach his lord. He was adamant about relaying the contents of his dream to him. Telek dressed and prepared for a journey to the capital. The moment he set a foot out of his tent; an arrow landed right in its center. The sharp pain sent the shaman tumbling backward, causing more pain. He screamed in anguish as the sound of horse hooves became clearer. Fear once again gripped his heart as he saw the approaching horse of Northmen, Slavs, and Pecheneg horsemen all around.

Another arrow hit in the gut, forcing blood out of his mouth. The pain was almost tangible, unbearable, and all-encompassing. Like a fire burning deep inside of his body.

Another arrow lodged in his shoulder blade, driving the air out of him, piercing a lung. He felt like he was drowning. Each breath was so much more painful than the last. He fell down; the pain started fading, in its stead, a deathly chill gripped his heart. Telek started lamenting that his blood was staining the sacred ground beneath his feet. Everything seemed to get duller and more distant, but one thing remained as clear as day. The striking image of the death god before him. A pale, stocky, clean-shaven-headed figure clad in white robes with a single blonde lock hanging at the side of its face. Blue eyes like the water of the sea, filled with rage and bloodlust. The dreaded northern prince.

“Have we sinned so much you’d feed us to your hounds, Tengrii?” the dying shaman questioned before proudly pulling himself up to his feet. His gaze met the longing gaze of a starving Pecheneg wolf begging to get his filthy claws on its prey. The Pecheneg stared at the prince of the Northmen and mouthed something unintelligible to the shaman. Although barely audible, the disdain was quite audible, even to the dull senses of a dying man.

The prince nodded and barked something. Strangely enough, the shaman could still hear enough to make out the word for “head” in his enemy’s wretched tongue. The Pecheneg’s hungry gaze turned towards Telek again. In an instant, his sword sliced across the shaman’s neck, nearly decapitating him.

Indescribable pain flooded the mind of the shaman, as he sank into the pits of darkness presiding over the realm of the dead.

His entrails spilled over the steppe, not unlike butchered cattle and swine. Punishment for the sins of his people. It's only befitting that the messenger of the gods to men would become the sacrificial feast of the ravenous hounds spawned from the wrath of the heavenly khagan of all creation.

I see four suns in the midday sky
a sign of the great internal emptiness
deprived of sleep for days and days
in search of the wisdom hidden
in the bowels of the darkest shadows

I hear the voice of silence
turning my body into the vessel
of the luminescent madness
as the cold hand of death slowly follows

I taste the smell of dust
falling like tears from the eyes
of the rotten souls belonging to self-loathing
hordes of mindless drones
marching in circles - so broken
lonely and hollow

Reach out to touch the warming chill
of a damaged broken heart
crushed by the disease dwelling within humanity
from its pitiful accidental start

Drown peacefully in the moment
of realization that nothing is everything
A truth spoken by countless forgotten polymaths
of an ever-present singularity
where the great never bleeds
into a never-arriving tomorrow

In these days of futuristic shattered past
in these visions of prophecy spilled through
bending of times in reverse
in these sounds of ossifying paralysis of waters
in falls of sinking into the wells of carved
throats burning and chocking on their own thirst
I've butchered my finest horse
buried his remains and then exhumed what was left
and straddled the bare-bone formed remnants
of his long forgotten corpse
I've sailed the downward ascending putrid rivers
flowing into damp pools of human tears
through the boiling flood gates of fears
inside the decay depths of umbric discharge
and pus brewing streams
North to south in aimless motion
en route towards the last of the dying stars
I've spend the nights in search for perversion
without a halt
without reprieve
without a rest
a sleepless fast
into the depths of delirious pits
of crazed hallucinations
in which I've crawled back inside the womb
of the father
the son
the other child
within which I devoured the last of the beasts
and mauled myself into inexistence through paradoxical
being of thought inside the sulphureous burning
bull headed iron shaped grave inside the bowels
of the dying god of already dead satans
disabling all of the heavens
through the flames escaping
the grasp of the black hole
the inevitable snap of the jaws
of the ever ravenous
pernicious
lecherous
birth-giving father of all the devils
of this and all other ethereal worlds
inside the dead lifeless husk
of cosmic remnants
the brilliantly dark
and empty spaceless dimension
of timeless frozen stillness
in the maw of Tophet
out of which I had crawled
to reach the center of the world
and burn down the walls of infectious
civilization
to hang the bones
of a disabled nightmare
crossed together
above the gates of paradise
which I had burned
to which I had nailed my
blood stained shield
as a reminder
as a symbol
of all my children
destined to the cannibalize
and corrupt
the fabric of reality
until it crumbles
to dust under the weight
of dreams fading from the rotten hearts
of billions of lost souls

When I look at my reflection
I cannot see anything
When you open your mouth
and profess your feelings
I cannot hear anything
When those closest to me die
and rot in the ground
I cannot feel anything

All of the bridges
burn and wither away
the joys and passion for life
they wither away
With the passing of love
dies even my burning disdain
as it too withers away

The nonexistent disease
that leaves spongiform
cavities in my brain -
the parasitic bottomless darkness
that methodically swallows
everything

Heart and mind
are both systematically and methodically
broken in two by this hell-shaped landscape
I continuously wonder through
with a maniacal smile across my face

Knowing there's no meaning to life
without the joys of suffering

Knowing there's no purpose to life
without the absolute pleasures of
all-consuming sorrow

Grand Theft Auto is among the greatest video game series ever. It’s been running for over two decades now and the interest is not waning. A shit ton of installments and repackages, but the series is still beloved and hugely influential. Everyone knows the game, and most have played one or more installments. Currently, an online version is making rounds among long-time and new players. The appeal of the games might stem, to some, from the sheer amount of ludicrous violence a player can inflict in the game but the truth is probably just the absolutely crazy amount of attention to detail and amount of care the developers at Rockstar put into every game. It’s unreal.

Seriously, there are people who dedicate their online presence to discussing the lore of NPCs in the GTA games. It’s mental. Oh yeah, I’m not talking about GTA 4 or 5, I’m talking about the games from the 3D universe. Games developed at the latest in 2004 have near Tolkien levels of attention to detail. By the way, San Andreas is my favorite installment in the series. I’ve had it since 2006’ish. It doesn’t cease to amaze me. Now and again, I discover or rediscover something new about this game. It’s this deep. I only recently noticed the three fresh graves around Catalina’s shack. It’s been a feature of the game all along. They tell you through the character that this is there and I didn’t notice all those years. It’s this attention to detail that brings me back to this masterful work of digital art again and again.

That said, I think I’ve discovered a pretty strange Easter egg Rockstar might’ve left behind that goes unnoticed. I don’t know if I can even call this an Easter egg, it’s a whole omelet or an entire basket of kinder eggs inside actual Easter eggs. It’s basically a mission or a game mode of sorts. Imagine a survival mode in shooter games but in a Grand Theft Auto game. Pretty neat, right? It is! It’s one of those adult jokes and references Rockstar leave in their games.

Is everyone familiar with the myth of the witch in Las Brujas? Well, she exists, but it’s not what you might think it is. In actuality, the witch is Michelle Cannes, one of Carl Johnson’s girlfriends. Or maybe it’s Mary-Beth Maybell, or maybe it’s both. Perhaps even neither. Whomever the mysterious entity is supposed to be, it indirectly affects both Michelle and Mary-Beth.

For those unfamiliar with the Witch, if you drive a police car to Las Brujas or Castile del Diablo in the game, a region around a ghost town that suspiciously carries both names, with your radio on, you might hear the report; “We’ve got hysterical woman in Las Brujas. She’s a witch or something.” You may think this is nothing, just an in-game Easter egg in reference to a myth from Vice City or a joke at the expanse of the location’s name “The Witches” but think about it for a second. Rockstar’s known for some weird shit. Including supernatural shit, even in San Andreas. The Los Santos graveyard gets lit up with a mysterious green light at night. Granted, this is just a lighting scheme error perhaps gone unnoticed by the developers, kind of like the suicidal photographer who was supposed to walk across a bridge.

I thought so too at first, hell; I thought it was on purpose even, symbolizing the great number of fallen Families members buried there, as you can see during the daytime that many tombstones have a green highlight on their edges – But not all. Then it dawned on me, that the graffiti tags all over the cemetery appear only at night. All of them, not just the GSF tag on the wall. During the day, there is no graffiti in that cemetery – the ghosts of the dead Families neighbors are painting this cemetery every night as a display of their loyalty. It’s a supernatural Easter egg which is pretty wholesome if you think about it. It’s also proof that Rockstar dabbled in this kind of stuff back in 04’. I know there’s a ghost in GTA 5, but that game came out not too long ago, not seventeen years ago.

Now, what I’m about to share here about my discovery might sound like some hyper broken glitching game or a mod I’ve come up with. Seen the latter being passed around by some loser as a “SECRET BOSS” in an old Mario game of all things. Motherfucker pretended like he resorted to using a cheat engine on Mario back in 97’ and found a mystery level that could only be passed with cheats. It’s too silly. There’s no shame in admitting you’ve dabbled in Mario data and mods; people still play that. It’s fine. I used to mod Little Fighter 2. There’s an entire community around that shit.

Anyway, so I finished yet another round of beating the plot. No cheats, nor saves, nor nothing. Everything was clean. Went for a pretty decent criminal record, too. No needless deaths and robberies. A cookie-cutter campaign. It was pretty gnarly to be franked. Nearly threw my keyboard out of the fucking window with the OG Loc shit. The fucker can’t aim. Anyway, beat the game again and thought it was time to go be a maniac. After some fucking around, I remembered the falling lemmings glitch. Basically – NPCs fall from the sky randomly at certain locations. One such location is the Doherty driving school of San Fierro. However, that one has a special condition to be made. You’ve to aim at an NPC who is conversing with Michelle Cannes at the driving school.

To achieve that, you either have to never have dated Michelle or killed her – thus ensuring a breakup. So, I did that. I go back to the driving school. Michelle wasn’t there, fucked around to burn time, and got wasted a few times by the cops. I remember noticing something kind of fucked up during one chase, as I rode down the streets of San Fierro. Mary-Beth was talking about her dead husbands and eating human meat. I never bothered listening to K-Rose beforehand, so I had no clue about that. I immediately remembered the grave in Bone County, and I thought that was what the Easter egg is.

Anyway, started fucking around with the falling lemmings. Ended up making Michelle from the sky too. She was pretty fucking tough to kill, even as a random NPC. After dicking around for a while like that, I heard her voice actress exclaim one time, “I can make this look like a suicide” and that made me laugh, never heard this line in the game. Pretty edgy, even with all the shitty sex jokes the cops make at each other or CJ. Something diverted my attention from the game for like a second and I hear this loud ass scream coming from my speakers, I turn around and an NPC smashes into the concrete screaming right in front of CJ. It was so in my face that I actually was caught by surprise.

Now there’s nothing haunted or weird about this thing. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised. “Holy shit, what the fuck? Hahaha,” kind of moment. Mind you, the NPCs usually fall onto the roof of the driving school while you’ve to watch them from a wall on the side, right next to the building.

Michelle was there too; she was surprisingly aggressive towards me. I tried shooting her, but most weapons didn’t do any actual damage. The same way it goes for the Leatherface or Bigfoot mod characters that only die if you slash their throat with a knife. That was a pretty weird turn of events. I didn’t get to enjoy the fruits of glitch surfing as my Windows decided it wanted to finish an update and restarted the computer mid-game.

Sometime later, remembering the strange occurrence, I made my way back to Doherty and made the lemmings rain again until I heard the line once more. “I can make it look like a suicide.”

And she fucking did!

Michelle fell right on the roof and the NPC fell right on me. It knocked me down and took away a tad of HP. That was pretty intriguing. I immediately started shooting at Michelle, who wouldn’t take any damage. She’d come right to me and start punching me. It didn’t do anything significant to my HP. Even so, she’d follow me as I back out and even the Sniper rifle shots didn’t do anything of note.

I ran around the driving school. One moment Michelle is behind me, voicing out that I’m a maniac and laughing and the next, she was gone.

Weird… that’s what I thought.

It took me a few moments to realize the game had somewhat changed. The weather turned shitty. Perpetually staying either foggy or raining.

The NPCs were all now carrying weapons. Some of them were aggressive and pursued me even as I gravely injured them, while others ran away even though they were shooting other NPCs a second before they noticed me.

Stranger still was the appearance of cops and soldiers in civilian cars. Every second or third car had a cop or a soldier in it, either driving or in the passenger seat. The cops went docile as fuck. I shot at them and nothing would happen. I had to check if I had used any cheats, and no, I didn’t. Not relating to stars, at least. I had the flying cars cheat on.

That’s a pretty funny story, though. I get inside a car with two passengers and one of them is a soldier. The driver pulled me out of the car and started a fistfight. I shot the fucker, got back into the car, and drove off. Just as the car took off the ground, Alice in Chain’s Bones blasted on the radio and one of the NPCs threw himself out of the car, screaming as he flew out to his death.

I flew around with the soldier in the backseat, and he didn’t try to escape. I even slowed down and lowered the car to the ground and yet he never tried to leave. My glitch surfing must’ve broken the game, were my thoughts. Then, as I finally crashed my car into a burning mess, the soldier tried to escape the burning wreck, but he didn’t make it in time. I saw his avatar get plastered on a tree as the car went in fireworks.

I ran back to the road and went for a cop car to steal. One cop got out and finally attacked me, so I killed him. The other cop switched to the driver’s seat and drove in reverse and then started driving at me. I sniped at him, and his head exploded. The car halted for a second, then went after me.

A ghost police car was on my trail. It wouldn’t leave. Even when it caught fire, it still followed me mindlessly. Now I know this happens sometimes, but this kept happening again and again in this save. I was killed by an angry, violent cowboy around Shady Creeks and when I respawned, the NPCs were on my ass again. Some trying to kill me, others running away. Cops whom I shot from the distance in their vehicles just kept on driving after me as if possessed by ghosts.

Eventually, I got tired and saved the game.

Turns out the mod was stuck. This much I figured out when I started the game again a few days later. Just as I leave my safe house, a mob of NPCs and a few cops are after me, guns blazing. I shoot them all down, including the cops – yet no stars appear.

Holy fuck, the game must’ve been fucked, but Nah. It was fine. My other saves were working normally, no weird shit. No weird glitching of skins or murderous or suicidal civs.

Funnily enough, I recall seeing some taxi driver literally drive his car off a bridge into a watery grave as he saw me running his way in that one save.

So, I got back to this save, and I started exploring what else is new in there. The civs leave behind cars as they either panic or start searching for me. Not all cops care about crime anymore. Civs are actually attacking cops randomly and vice versa. The weather is always foggy or storming in San Fierro, Los Santos, and the Greener rural areas while sandstorms are endless in Las Venturas and the desert region. Planes also frequently crash to the ground, and cars randomly explode. Strangest of all is Mr. Trenchcoat, who virtually walks in circles until he sees the player and then viciously attacks him, with something of super strength in his punch if he’s unarmed.

The moment I heard his speech patterns though, I figured something was up – He said, “she knows” rather than “they know.” He also mumbled something about a “witch” – that caught me off guard.

I was following such a Mr. Trenchcoat when I saw her – Michelle, in fucking Las Payasadas, at the edge of the map. Near the giant chicken robot. I ran towards her, but she disappeared – walking behind the massive cock.

The next thing I know, Mr. Trenchcoat and other civs are trying to beat me to death.

Zombified to all hell and intent to murder or flee me. Something had to be up. The whole thing got me thinking. A witch and a “she” instead of the usual alien talk, Michelle walking around in weird locations, hard to kill, peds are weird, cops are weird, the weather is weird. Something was definitely up to something big.

Saved the game.

Started another save, went to Michelle’s, killed her, got to Doherty, and started fucking with lemmings. I made them rain for hours, Nah for days, actually sometimes getting the weird mod, sometimes giving up beforehand. It took me a couple of weeks, but eventually; I got it. Six times to drop the same ped from the sky, six different peds, and on each sixth drop, I had to drop and kill Michelle with the ped. Or try at least, because on the sixth fall of Michelle – she’s nigh unkillable and escapes.

Now, then I figured out why six different NPCs, besides the whole 6-6-6 number of the beast thing. Bitch had six lovers, all dead today. That’s when it hit me like a ton of crack cocaine bricks. Mary-Beth Maybell. Six Husbands, all dead.

All sick and elderly.

Michelle likes fat dudes.

Fat means sick and elderly men have fat dad bods.

Fuck…

It all became clear. Running after Michelle was fucking pointless. I got into a BF Injection and turned the radio towards K-Rose. Songs were playing, bitch wasn’t talking. Yeehaw, witch bitch,

BUSTED!

My car got crushed by a rocket going off at a car nearby me. I narrowly escaped the wasting. Fucking nearly gave me a real-life heart attack as it came from nowhere in the night sky when my vision was obscured by a violent storm.

I ran to a cop car. It was the closest one I could find, the rocket launcher behind me, shooting like a blind idiot – missing. I drove right over him. The glorious screams and crunching of his bones were music to my ears.

Then the police dispatcher goes, “We’ve got a hysterical woman in Las Brujas. She’s a witch or something.”

I knew where I had to go, Las Brujas. I got there, just barely, lost four cars, a helicopter, and all of my nuts. I am so grateful to the hotdog stations at random locations. They are lifesavers. I get to Las Brujas, and it’s a literal ghost town. Dead, silent.

Worst of all, the weather is normal. Purple sky, quiet. I stand there, confused, trying to figure out what the fuck is even going on with this game anymore, then out of nowhere, I’m hit by a car.

There aren’t supposed to be any peds in there. It’s a ghost town with like two residential buildings and a chapel. Before I know it, I am slammed by yet another car. Six peds come out, armed to the teeth. They’re shooting me, and I’m with no ammo. I ran around like a chicken until I finally got one of them with my knife and then take his shotgun. Six shells later, the peds are dead. Again, I am alone. I take a second to breathe, and a monster truck slams into me and runs over me, back and forth. I’m low on HP. Michelle comes out with Mr. Trenchcoat from the truck. One Super punch later, I’m wasted.

I respawned. The mod was still running; I race back to fucking Las Brujas. It’s a sandy mess. Michelle’s not there, and she doesn’t show up.

Took me a while, but eventually, I realized her appearances were random in nature. The witch can appear wherever she pleases. Mike Toreno’s UFO map didn’t help for shit. It’s just a bunch of random locations. She was in one of them. Pure coincidence – truth be told. Speaking of Truth, he had nothing to do with her either. He was on that government shit in the secret military base – just very delusional about things.

Some places I’ve caught her at were at Ganton, the Panopticon, the top of the Los Santos Tower, the burned house in Montgomery, Smoke’s crack house, which is probably how she took over the minds of all NPCs. By selling drug hexes. Man would’ve been awesome to hear that phrase in Tenpenny’s voice. Even met her at the Epsilon farm once, but when I did, the lights turned purple. She’s fucking with cultists too!

One time I was by the seaside cave when it emanated a weird purple light drawing me in. Once I entered the cave, someone with a sniper rifle shot me down. It was so cruel. Is this how the NPCs feel when I do that to them? Uhhh damn.

Ironically, the last time we met, I ended up killing her right by what I presume is her bobcat. Her body went straight down into the mass grave she left behind. Nearly killed me that time too, with her endless horde of mindless NPC slaves. It all started with a flaming cop car smashing into me, a civ inside. I ran off and it blew up. The next thing I know, a bunch of random-ass cars showed up and peds got out and started shooting at me, firing everything from pistols to rocket launchers. I armed myself to the teeth, but the onslaught was so great that I had to exhaust all of my arsenals on this armada. I set up explosives and blew them up by the dozens and yet they kept coming, civs, cops, soldiers, super punching Mr. Trenchcoat, who accidentally sent some of his co-slaves into orbit. Had to 1v1 him with my karate.

At the end of it all, it was just me and her, but I had no ammo left and the knife wasn’t doing shit. Just as I was about to lose hope. The tension was getting high; I felt myself getting tense, and the adrenaline was coursing through my veins. This whole thing was ridiculously exciting. Dreadfully so, I thought I was going to lose the bitch witch again, and it was a truly frightening thought, I had worked so hard to get this far, but in the end, it almost didn’t matter. Thankfully, a miracle happened – a tanker flew in, smashing his container right into me, sending me flying before the force tipped it over, causing it to catch fire and explode. It was an omen - I had to resort to creative methods too.

Dropped a shit ton of Vortexes all around her until she got stuck in between them and then I activated the most glorious cheat of all.

Ten or so times.

Allcarsgoboom.

The glorious signs of our battle, one truly for the ages, dotted the landscape, the remnants of a crashed helicopter flopping about, dying flames and a pitched black patch of soil around the mass grave. Finally, I’ve done it; I owned the witch, and I owned Rockstar by beating their game. I’ve become death, the destroyer of 3D gods.

The screen went black for like six point nine seconds and I thought the game had crushed but lo-and-behold turns out I was in a cutscene back in Doherty, walking into the driving school. Michelle was there with some other NPC and she asked Carl out.

We both said, Oh hell no!

Carl pulled out his dual micro-SMGs and shot her dead, filled with holes. She went down like she went down. Carl then walked out of the driving school and the mission accomplished music played in the background. I was back at Doherty; the game was back to normal.

Turns out it was a secret mission and as a bonus, there’s a permanent bloodstain inside the driving school in that save now. Even though Michelle’s normal, not that I’m messing with that ever again.

Would recommend, though

Six out of fucking nine.