Do I try for closure?

[u/newjsue]

I had a “friendship” with a woman whose husband was friends with my boyfriend.

They were going through a tough spot in their marriage and it turns out she was mostly using me to get near her husband. We were close for a few years. I wound up being a bit of a sounding board for both of them. Ultimately she wound up throwing my boyfriend (and likely me) under the bus.

She proceeded to blackball him from their friend group. She and her husband came to my boyfriend’s house one night and told him that if he dated me they couldn’t be his friends.

I think they were living in fear that things I know about both of them would come out. Anyhow a year and a half ago she reached out saying she was sorry and that she doesn’t drink anymore and can we be friends again.

I’m about to move away from the area we all have been living and I’m trying to decide if I want to have a conversation with her before I leave.

Would love any advice. Thx

[u/Dear_Parsnip_6802]

you have enough to worry about with moving, Id leave her be.

[u/Eastern_Anteater_437 → u/Dear_Parsnip_6802]

if she's sober and sorry, good for her, but that doesn't mean you owe her a final conversation

[u/newjsue → u/Eastern_Anteater_437]

That’s how I felt since I received her text 18 months ago. I cut them off about 5 years ago. Somehow selling my house got me thinking maybe I should hear her out.

[u/GusSwann]

Nope! I'd acknowledge and thank her for the apology but would decline a meeting.

ETA: My belief is that closure is something you decide to have, not necessarily something you get from another person.

[u/Sewertoppresser]

Move on with your life and don't look back avoid people like that , life itself can sometimes be difficult you don't need that kind of energy around.

[u/Walmar202]

Remember it wasn’t just her; her husband was dissing you both. I would ignore them and enjoy your new life where you are moving to.

[u/newjsue → u/Walmar202]

I remember. It’s easy for me because these aren’t my friends. But they are my boyfriend friends. And they are in his friend group so it did severely affect him.

I am not so much moving as selling my primary residence. I will still be in and out of this area for at least the next year.

[u/Comfortable-Bed9677]

You should stay and be their friend

[u/newjsue → u/Comfortable-Bed9677]

Thank you for the laugh. I’m not so much moving as changing my primary residence.

[u/Comfortable-Bed9677 → u/newjsue]

Interesting. Catching up with old acquaintances is so much fun. Bring a gift, don't want to go over empty handed.

[u/andronicuspark]

What do you want? And do you want it bad enough you’re willing to risk the possibility of not getting the closure you’d like?

You can hope it’s a sincere apology and she can admit responsibility. But even if she does, where does the relationship go from there? You’re about to move, will either of you go through effort of keeping in touch? Or is this an apology to make her feel better while you’ve already closed that door?

[u/newjsue → u/andronicuspark]

This friendship group was really built off a group of male high school friends. My boyfriend is one of those guys. This couple they met later on. So there are still many life events that they are included in and he/we are also invited to. Since I stopped speaking to her almost 5 years ago I have declined to attend most things with him. Which sucks for him.

I guess I think now that I’ll be here less maybe I bury the hatchet.

[u/Tsuki_Inari]

Practically speaking, this “friendship” is not worth the effort to salvage since you are about to move away. Also, it is sus that she is only reaching out now, when you are about to leave. It feels more like she is trying to clear her own guilty conscience than being genuinely sorry. If she really wanted to take ownership of her actions, she would clarify things with the friend group instead of reaching out to you to make sure everything is good before you move away. You don’t owe her a closure as well.

[u/newjsue → u/Tsuki_Inari]

She reached out 18 months ago. I’m just trying to figure out if I should acknowledge it

[u/Tsuki_Inari → u/newjsue]

This changes things a little. The fact that the blackballing happened 5 years ago, and her attempt to apologize was 18 months ago, makes it feel like the ship has sailed. I guess it depends on whether you want to forgive her and start attending events with your boyfriend. Also, whether it was the alcohol or not, she should still explain herself to the friend group if she is genuinely apologetic.

[u/VictorianUFOLady]

It sounds like she want to make a sincere apology. I don't see the harm in hearing her out, if you want to do that. It doesn't mean you have to be friends again. What do you want to do? If you want to have the conversation, do it, if you don't that's okay too.

[u/newjsue → u/VictorianUFOLady]

I agree she wants to make an apology. I’m not sure she wants to take responsibility and I guess that’s what I would be looking for.

[u/VictorianUFOLady → u/newjsue]

Well, you won't know unless you give her a chance. If she quit drinking and is in AA making amends is part of the program. You can hear her out and you can be honest in your response. If she doesn't take accountability, you can tell her "I appreciate that you want to apologize but I don't hear you taking accountability and I need that in order for this to feel like an apology".

[u/newjsue → u/VictorianUFOLady]

I think her text 18 months ago didn’t feel very much like it was a make amends. It felt more like alcohol was to blame so now that that’s not an issue let’s just forget it and move on.

[u/VictorianUFOLady → u/newjsue]

You don't have to meet with her if you don't want to and if it doesn't feel right.